INT. RECEPTION HALL - EVENING
A GROOM and his BEST MAN sit at the main table of a large wedding reception, while WEDDING GUESTS finish their overcooked chicken. The BRIDE is busy talking with her MAID OF HONOR, so the two men finally have a chance to talk.
GROOM
All ready for the big speech.
BEST MAN
I should be. Been practicing for the last ten years.
(beat)
Don't worry though, I won't embarrass you too much.
GROOM
I know you won't. Actually, I'm sure you won't embarrass me at all.
The red dot of a laser pointer appears on the Best Man's lapel.
BEST MAN
Don't sound too sure of yourself. I have the dirt on you, my friend.
GROOM
Yes, you do. Of course, I prepared for that.
BEST MAN
Really?
GROOM
Yes, I did. Look down a second.
The Best Man looks down at his chest and notices the red spot on his jacket.
BEST MAN
What the--?
GROOM
That's the laser sight of a high-powered rifle that is actually aimed at your
chest. If you utter even one mention of something I might find disheartening, your heart will be ripped apart by
several hollow-tipped rounds.
The Best Man face holds a lock of horror as he freezes. As everyone in the reception hall freezes.
The ANNOUNCER enters.
ANNOUNCER
Your wedding day is stressful enough. Now, having to worry if your drunkard
college buddy is going to tell all your
friends and family that the two of you
double-teamed a girl with a lazy eye at
some college kegger is not something you
need to be concerned with. We here at
Mutual of Des Moines now offer you a
service to alleviate this specific
anxiety. We call it, Best Man Insurance.
(beat)
Our hired professionals can prevent your
Best Man from telling your bride about
the anal sex with the Maid of Honor, the
thirteen-year-old Thai transvestite or
even your Enron involvement. At your personal discretion, your best man can be permanently removed from your wedding
ceremony at a moment's notice. And for a
small extra premium, we can institute our
Patsy Clause. What is this clause? Why
don't we watch our scene play out?
The participants of the wedding reception unfreeze and continue with their festivities. No one notices the Announcer.
BEST MAN
How can you do this? Don't you think
someone would wonder about me being
gunned down at your wedding?
GROOM
Oh, I'm sure they will.
(beat)
Until they went back to your apartment and found the evidence I had planted there.
BEST MAN
Evidence?
GROOM
Sure, various gay pornography, sexual "devices" and a huge treasure trove of Email from your psychotic gay lover.
BEST MAN
Lover?
GROOM
My father-in-law. He paid for the wedding, so he's filled his purpose.
(beat)
Well, time for your speech. Now, make it good or you're dead and your mother finds out you have a closet filled with rubber cock.
BEST MAN
How?
GROOM
(smiling)
Mutual of Des Moines .
ANNOUNCER
(also smiling)
See, Mutual of Des Moines can fulfill all your insurance needs.
FADE TO BLACK
"BEST MAN INSURANCE" © 2002 Michael Wojciak
