FEBRUARY 3, 2065 - Renowned author and poet, Michael 'wojr' Wojciak, died last night at the age of 91. Medical reports are still pending on the cause of death, however, experts are speculating that his death was the result of a massive bowel movement gone awry. A final confirmation has been delayed because, as one inside source confirms, the bowel movement in question was a 'no-wiper' and left no trace evidence on his person. "He must have let that bad boy bake inside him for a couple hours," one excretory analyst hypothesized.

His wife, Charell, discovered the body. Ironically, the couple had only been married a month following their sixty-three yearlong engagement. "I think it may have been something he ate on our honeymoon that killed him," his wife theorized. The pair had just returned from their honeymoon in Mrs. Wojciak's homeland of the Canada . "His stomach never really liked my culture's food," she stated "but at least he died in his favorite room. It's exactly how he would have wanted to go."

After decades of struggling to succeed with his film and comic writing, wojr (as he known by his fans) found international fame and fortune with his collections of "Really Bad Poetry". When his poem "Dork Me" was used for Vanilla Ice's 2042 hit song of the same name, wojr was propelled to international recognition. According to his longtime business partner, Michael Broncatello, "[wojr] never wanted to be known as a poet. He thought they were a pretentious bunch of twits. Well, except for Bukowski."

Emulating one of his literary forbearers brought Mr. Wojciak a diverse but loyal fan base, mainly consisting of "over- or underweight guys who don't get laid". Success in this precious demographic opened the once closed doors in the film and comic book industry. In a few short years, Michael was able to rack up a dozen movie credits and penned the scripts for literally hundreds of graphic novels. His screenplay for the Marvel Comic property, "Daughters of the Dragon" is currently being made into a feature motion picture by New Line Cinema.

"I'm sorry to lose such a talent and such a good friend, but I call dibs on what's engraved on his tombstone," comments Broncatello, whose likeness as well as Mr. Wojciak's is the basis of the popular web comic, "Bored Crackers". By the utter glee in which Broncatello took in the thought of inscribing the final epitaph of his hetero life partner, this reporter wonders if there might have been foul play involved in the writer's death.

Besides his newlywed bride, Mr. Wojciak leaves behind three sons, Marcus, Milton, and Thomas or as Wojr commonly referred to them as the Smart One, the Fat One and the Gay One. "When I was four, my father sat me down," Marcus said "and told me that he would only pay for the smartest one of his children to go to college. Since I was the youngest, he said that I had a lot of catching up to do." "My father was full of lies and hate," quips the effeminate Thomas. "He told me semen was composed of sulfuric acid and would burn my throat. Boy, was he ever wrong."

Despite claims to the otherwise, his wife, Charell, insists that "[Michael] loved all his children. He just didn't respect them all, especially the one in the helmet." "I have a fragile skull," Milton exclaimed. "If Daddy was respectably endowed, then he could have the broadened the path more for my delivery."

Also surviving Michael are his two cousins, Ryan and Kyle Cordwell. According to his widow, Mr. Wojciak "viewed the pair as brothers. Well, maybe half-brothers. Actually, maybe they were more like really close cousins." When contacted to comment on his cousin's passing, Kyle would only proclaim that "'Dork Me' was all my idea. Mine. I needs to get paid." "He never stole anything from me besides clothes. Now, get off my property before I need to blast away your kneecap, Yankee, " commented Ryan Cordwell, a former police officer.

Other friends and family only had remarks that seemed to be alcohol-related in nature. "I wish I remember all our wild bachelor days," Mr. Broncatello reminisced as he eyed some mysterious scars on his hands. "But I have all the mementos, if not the memories."

"I will always remember Woj as a bright light in a sea of darkness, " recounted a shockingly sober Darragh Delaney, "especially when he was actually on fire." "Michael always had a flammable personality," a somber Phillip O'Neill added. "He was also prone to losing articles of clothing, especially after imbibing some fruit desert wines. So, has anyone asked Charell out yet?"

"Wojr was a college buddy," claims famed philanthropist, Daniel McLaughlin. "I remember the time they found me passed out at a Stonehenge memorial and also the trip to Mexico that I forgot clean underwear. So, I had to wear my high school gym shorts the whole week. Who were we talking about again? Who are you? Mommy! Where's my mommy?" Mr. McLaughlin is currently having problems with senility.

"Any Wojr bio must contain his immortal statement - "It is my opinion that Rosie looks better than I do naked," claims an enigmatic figure describing himself only as "The Indian". Michael Rosiecki, an old college roommate known to his friends as Rosie, has long since passed due to a freak weight-lifting incident and could not be reached for comment. His widow, Claudine Rosiecki-Berger, was quick to interject, "I've seen them both naked and Rosie wins hands down".

"I think it was fate that Michael died on Groundhog's Day," stated one ex-girlfriend that requested her name be withheld. "Not only was it his fourth favorite holiday, but he was a really big Bill Murray fan. He even liked 'What About Bob?'"

"You really need to stop and ask yourself - 'What is the connection between famous people and dying on the crapper?' It's like little kids on the escalators. Bad things are bound to happen," rants fellow New Jersey son, filmmaker Kevin Smith. "That is exactly the reason why I only shit into paper bags."

Michael Francis Wojciak was many things in life: Accountant, Neglectful Father, Poet, Government Test Subject, Drunkard, Chronic Masturbator and Self-Proclaimed Hypocrite. The list definitely does not stop there. To give the man a proper epitaph would take a greater writer than myself, but ...

In a 2012 interview conducted with 'SWANK' magazine, Mr. Wojciak was quoted as saying, "I write because that's what I do. If I didn't, I would probably spend all my time on the shitter." Truer words were never spoken. Maybe Mr. Broncatello would like to carve that into Wojr's tombstone.

-fin

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