THE INEFFECTUAL MAN - FIRST PART
Over a field of black:
MATRONLY VOICE
You are never going to amount to anything.
GIRLISH VOICE
I can’t believe I wasted so much time on you.
JESSICA RABBIT VOICE
Don’t delude yourself. You have never been important to me.
A doorway opens from the darkness into a room of warmth, light and comfy furniture. THE INEFFECTUAL MAN a.k.a. EDWARD, looking exactly like Tim Roth @ the beginning of “Pulp Fiction”, is responsible for opening the door.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Randy?
Standing in the doorway is WILLIAM a.k.a. RANDY, a clean cut fellow resembling Charlie Sheen @ the beginning of “Wall Street.”
WILLIAM/RANDY
Edward?
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Come on in.
He ushers Randy in. Randy gives the impression of being apprehensive as Ineffectual locks the door behind him.
WILLIAM/RANDY
Do you prefer Edward? Or Ed?
The lack of a quick response causes William increased unease.
WILLIAM/RANDY (cont.)
Or Eddie?
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Whatever you prefer is fine, Randy. I’ve never put much thought into it.
WILLIAM/RANDY
I’m sorry if I seem nervous. This is the first time I’ve done something like this.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Like this?
WILLIAM/RANDY
Meeting a man..
A pause as he is unsure if he should continue.
WILLIAM/RANDY (cont.)
Under the pretense of..
A pause as he is unsure how he should continue.
WILLIAM/RANDY (cont.)
The pretense of..
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Sex?
WILLIAM/RANDY
Yes.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Really?
WILLIAM/RANDY
It’s not that I’m a fag. It’s just..
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Do you tell suitors these claims of innocence because you’re ashamed of your homosexuality or in order to insure your role as the submissive, William?
WILLIAM/RANDY
I’m not a hom--
(pause)
What did you call me?
INEFFECTUAL MAN
I call you by your name.
WILLIAM/RANDY
My name is Randy.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Your name is William Isaac Malick.
William sits for a moment stunned.
WILLIAM/RANDY
I should go.
William gets up and heads towards the door.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Your wife’s name is Alicia.
William finds the door bolted shut and cannot find a way to unlock it.
INEFFECTUAL MAN (cont.)
You have two children, Michael and Mary Beth.
WILLIAM/RANDY
Let me out. Let me out right now.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Your mother is 68 and lives in Toluca Lake.
William reaches into his jacket for his cell phone.
WILLIAM/RANDY
I’m calling the police.
The Ineffectual Man produces a phone of his own.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
And I have all them on my speed dial, including the police. We can call anyone you like. Personally, I would love to hear you explain why you’re here in the first place.
WILLIAM/RANDY
OK. Don’t call anyone.
William carefully returns his phone to his jacket pocket. Almost making a show out of it.
WILLIAM/RANDY (cont.)
Listen. I know your name and I know where you live.
(pause)
You don’t want me coming back here and making trouble.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
No, you know Edward’s name. You know where Edward lives.
WILLIAM/RANDY
I don’t understand.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Edward is unconscious in his bedroom. After I let you go, I’ll wake him up.
(pause)
I have no problem with Edward. He’s not a hypocrite.
WILLIAM/RANDY
I’m not a--
INEFFECTUAL MAN
(interrupting)
Oh yes, you are. Edward is completely ‘out’ in relation to his sexuality. And, while he does partake in anonymous sexual trysts like the one you two had planned, he does not leave a loving wife at home to wonder what she is doing wrong in the relationship. He does not spend his children’s college fund on hotel rooms and male escorts. He does not spend a better part of his workday watching Internet transsexual porn.
WILLIAM/RANDY
How do you know all--
INEFFECTUAL MAN
(interrupting again)
I make sure I know about the lives I affect.
WILLIAM/RANDY
What do you want? Money?
INEFFECTUAL MAN
I want you to shit or get off the pot.
WILLIAM/RANDY
What?
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Tell your wife the truth. Hell, tell everyone about your dirty little secret. I want you to be honest about who you are.
Dramatic pause (because this obviously ain’t a comedy).
WILLIAM/RANDY
No.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
For every day, you choose not to reveal your secret, I’ll take something from you.
First, I’ll take your car, then your money. If you still lie, I’ll have you fired. Then, I’ll take your family – your wife, your mother, your kids. I’ll frame you for their murders and you’ll go to jail, thus stripping you of your freedom. Hence, if your secret is so important to you, then in the end, that will be all you have.
William is near a state of shock.
WILLIAM/RANDY
I don’t-- I don’t believe you.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Then, you’re welcome to test me. I’ve made all the necessary preparations, Mr. Malick. I am ready for you.
(pause)
I am a force of nature all set to take you down. Whether you choose to believe in me or not is not important.
William stands and begins to frantically pace around the room.
WILLIAM/RANDY
I don’t get it. What do you have against me?
INEFFECTUAL MAN
Even though you are a living a lie and keeping your wife in a loveless marriage, this is not about you. You are just a chess piece. This is about my ability to move the pieces around the board. This is me having an effect on the world.
WILLIAM/RANDY
Then, pick someone else. If I’m not important, choose somebody else.
The Ineffectual Man stands and proceeds towards the door.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
You have 24 hours to act before I take your car. That is, legally have it repossessed for non-payment.
WILLIAM/RANDY
Listen, there has to be something you want.
The Ineffectual Man opens the door and indicates to William that he is free to go.
INEFFECTUAL MAN
You’ve already given me what I want. Now, if you’ll please leave, I have to go wake our dear Edward. Good day, William.
WILLIAM/RANDY
But—
INEFFECTUAL MAN
(interrupting)
I said ‘good day.’
Walter grudgingly goes out the door. The Ineffectual Man calmly shuts the door behind him returning everything to darkness.
INEFFECTUAL MAN (o.s.)
And with that, the voices will recede.
INEFFECTUAL MAN (o.s.)
For a short while, at least.
INEFFECTUAL MAN (o.s.)
Until I feel ineffectual again.
END
"THE INEFFECTUAL MAN " © 2003 Michael Wojciak
