HOW CAN YOU START AT THE END IF IT'S THE SAME AS THE BEGINNING?

As I get utterly bogged down by my crazy so-called life, here's the introduction to my latest and greatest, THE INFECTIOUS FICTION OF SHUT-INS:

FADE IN:
INT. ARTHUR BOTCHOK'S APARTMENT (PRESENT) - DAY

A small, cluttered living room of a small, cluttered apartment is littered with papers and film scripts. On the floor in the middle of the room, ARTIE BOTCHOK, an elderly Jewish man with a sizable silver Afro, lies face down in a pool of his own vomit.

ARTIE (V.O.)
I hate when movies open on a dead body.
(beat)
Then the focus immediately locks onto that person's death.

Against the far wall, an antiquated desk and typewriter are buried beneath even more discarded paper.

ARTIE (V.O.)
All everyone cares about will be how that person died and never how they actually lived.

Beside the desk, shelves that are built directly into the wall, are overflowing with more film scripts.

ARTIE (V.O.)
This story is not about my death or even my life.
(beat)
It's about the moments before the latter and after the former.

Hanging from the shelves is a loose page of a script. It contains the exact dialogue Artie just uttered.


INT. SHOPPING MALL FOOD COURT - DAY

INTERVIEW #1: Talking directly to the camera, BETH is sitting amid a sea of haggard shoppers on their fast food respites from consumerism. A striking beauty, Beth is the epitome of 'prim & proper', dressed in a conservative navy business suit. Her long blonde hair is pulled up tightly behind her head with not a strain out of place.

BETH
I had a blind date earlier that night. Really good-looking guy, but totally dull. I was going to sleep with him though, until he asked me to split the check. After that stunt he didn't even get a peck on the cheek from me.
(beat)
So, there I was on my way home, stuck with all these prior
expectations of frivolous sex and not looking forward to another night of mechanical love, if you know what I mean. I decided to stop at this dive bar up the street from my place. The crowd there is hit and miss; sometimes young and hip, sometimes old and toothless. That night, it was definitely a miss. Except for this young couple playing pool. Both of them were extremely attractive, really firm and athletic. I figured "What the hell? I need a good threesome story." Several drinks later, Scott, Terry and I are all pretty blotto and I offer my place to sleep it off. They accept. Steve and Terry had been dating for three months, banging their brains out for the last two and a half of them. In spite of that, I could tell Steve was starting to lose a little interest. It explained the way he was checking me out. Anyway, I'm digressing. Long story short, we all end up on my bed going at it like bunnies.

Beth pauses briefly to gauge the reaction of her unseen interviewer.

BETH (CONT'D)
Terry definitely got into it. I think she had some lesbian tendencies lurking there. I liked it. All my parts were getting the required attention, but I prefer to be the star of the show, not a guest player. So, when Terry and I headed to the bathroom to freshen up our girlie bits, I made my play.
(beat)
I told her that Steve was my brother and we had been playing this game with all his girlfriends since he moved out here to L.A. Typically, she freaked out. Grabbed most of her clothes and headed for the door, cursing both our names the entire time. Now, poor, cute, dumb-founded Steve had no idea what happened. I explained what I did. I also told him he could go after her and try to work things out. He would need to produce some family documents or, at the very least, introduce her to his parents. Or he could stay there and continue to f##k me into oblivion.

STEVE, a generic handsome man in a navy suit matching Beth's, enters and gives Beth a tender kiss on the cheek.

BETH (CONT'D)
Hi, hon. I was just recounting how we met.

Steve addresses the camera as well.

STEVE
Interesting story, isn't it?
(beat)
Just think, if her blind date had only paid the whole check, we might be together today.

Beth smiles broadly.

Feel free to email me any thoughts, comments or criticisms.

wojr  ¶ 2:43 PM