Wojr's Guide to Dating - Entry #3,567:
'As Long As You Aren't Ass-Raped, Prison Can Be A Lovely Dating Tool'

Even though my current dating status is 'Eternally Engaged', I'm pretty much an old married man. Carmel and I have lived together for over three years and have no intentions of ceasing that romantic arrangement.

So, I feel that I can start relinquishing some of my utterly stellar dating guidelines.

Today's tip: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A CRIMINAL RECORD.

Most men prone to acts of moral turpitude like myself classify women via two categories, short-term and long-term. Long-term relationships usually equal "eternity", while short-term ones can range from "nanoseconds after the orgasm" to "nanoseconds shy of eternity."

When dealing with members of the second category, when you know marriage just is not an option, never overlook the usefulness of a solid criminal record; whether you actually have one or not. (Translated implication: if you don't have one, make one up.)

Not only do you get that bad boy vibe which is quite hard to muster otherwise, you are immediately slotted into their short-term category. This lower classification frees one from the numerous "where are we going?" discussions that men considered 'marriage material' need to suffer. With the criminal history, you are going just as far as she wants, which if you're receiving a consistent supply of nookie should suit you just fine.

Speaking of the macking, being viewed as dangerous does open up new realms in bedroom area. Even George Costanza knows that the best sex is the conjugal visit sex. Just be sure to be clear that you weren't on the receiving end of any jailhouse dick and that the only tossed salad you've eaten has been from McDonald's.

Yet another benefit of the criminal history is the utter readiness of foolproof excuses. Want to head back to your crib during the pre-dawn hours? Claim that you need to run off to do your community service; just don't tell her which highway you are supposed to be picking trash from. Stopped by for some after-work boom-boom but still want to meet up with the fellas? Tell her the halfway house you are assigned to has a curfew. Don't feel like calling for a week or two? Just explain that you were in 'County'.

The key to it all is the avoidance of specifics. There is no need to go overboard on the details. Her overactive imagination will fill in the blanks. Lines like "don't worry, it's only a misdemeanor", "I was just holding something for a friend" or "I was reckless, you'd think I would know better by now" will keep you and her afloat for several weeks. Afterwards, well.. who wants a relationship to last longer than SEVERAL weeks?

Stay tuned for the next entry in Wojr's Guide to Dating
'Alcohol & Your Penis: A Give and Take Relationship'

wojr

Labels: Advice, My Writing, Sex

  ¶ 11:58 PM