And I'm Not Talking About The Porn Version of the Fairy Tales

As an adult, I find myself having a real problem with Fairy Tales. The one common thread of those classic stories that bothers me is the ungodly lengths the male characters seem to go to in order to get some trim. You have princes going after chicks locked in ivory towers, asleep in magical comas and, even, lodged in the belly of a transvestite wolf.

Where, may I ask you, were all the whores of the time? Prostitution is the world's oldest profession. Therefore, they were around back then. Their services must have been available. Did these princes know this? Did they know that they did not have to face mythical beasts and bitchy witches in their pursuit of the fuzzy clam? Hell, even a saucy bar maid in one of those stories would sway some of my concerns.

Now, Kings knew better. They had the ladies chasing them. They must have known where to get some on the side because a lady's bedroom skills alone were not enough to ensnare one of these fine fellows. To get their feminine grips into one of the "Big Boys", ladies needed to weave gold or, at least, have a magical pet. Proving again that it was good to be the King.

I know what some of you are thinking. These Fairy Tales have been lightened up for the sake of the children over the years. They used to be much darker and more diabolical. Maybe there once was a version of these tales were Prince Charming got bored shagging bar wenches and chambermaids and wanted to track down some of the "Hard to Get" ladies. Maybe he went after them on some sort of dare from his drinking buddies. I'd rather have that then the current versions with their misguided, puritanical views of the opposite sex.

These fairy tales, as they stand now, really have great affect on young formative female minds, creating unrealistic expectations for the male populace. These stories cause many ladies to forego sex with many nice, able-bodied men in their quest for Prince Charming or a Knight in Shining Armor. Don't believe me? Do you imagine Prince William would get as much play as he does if he was the son of a roofer from Torrance? (Not unless he ended up in a boy band.)

So, what can we do about this problem? Besides making even more pornographic versions of these classics and switching them with the versions in the children's video section, I suggest a treasure trove of "lost" fairy tales be "found". They could be like the Dead Sea Scrolls of Aesop or the Brothers Grimm. I can envision the titles now: "The Juicy Adventures of Wendy, the Bar Wench", "Unicorns with Soft Fleshy Horns", "Mystical Dwarven Gang Bang".

These new tales could teach prepubescent ladies that there are many ways to "live happily ever after" and guarantee the men of tomorrow will be better off. (Then again, what have the "men of tomorrow" done for me?)

wojr  ¶ 2:36 PM