This Is Probably Why Frito-Lay Customer Service Does Not Have An Email Address

Contents of Actual Letter I Mailed June 10, 2004:


Frito-Lay
Consumer Affairs
PO Box 660634
Dallas TX 75266-0634

Dear Mr. And Mrs. Lay -

After a long sojourn from the pleasures of junk food, I have been lured back into the fold by one of your alluring products. The Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon and their renowned prowess in the art of crunchy seduction called out from the supermarket shelf and brought an avalanche of calories upon my health-conscious eating habits.

However, the dent in my diet is not my main complaint. Oh, certainly not. The Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon have committed a more nefarious act than the simple addition of fat to my midsection and bottom.

After devouring two complete bags of your fiery product, I was surprised to find my hand covered in a mysterious red substance. As I mentioned previously, I had managed to avoid junk food for an extended period of time. Thus, I had forgotten how your non-Flaming Cheetos would leave an orange residue on one's fingertips. Excluding further scientific study, I think it is safe to assume the same goes for your Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon.

The scarlet residue from your product is not only difficult to remove by simple washing, but it contains the same catalysts that give the product its Flaming Hot kick. Whatever mystery spices you are using in your product, they appear to be quite caustic. Speaking from personal experience, one should avoid any eye contact or, even, carnal activity with this substance on parts of your body.

Thus, the question begs to be asked - is it possible to make your fabulous food products free of this residue? Is the excessive food coloring really necessary? Doesn't America know by now that Cheetos are the cheesiest? Wouldn't you guys still be the cheesiest without the unnatural orange hue? Will the Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon be any less flaming if they were a nice mauve color? They aren't green, yet the eating public still understands there will a lime/lemon aftertaste. If you are extremely attached to your present color scheme then maybe a tasty covering be applied, one that provides a layer of protection between the eater and the cheeto (almost like an edible shellac)?

These are just a few possible solutions. I am positive Frito-Lay has smarter men than myself that could come up with even better ways to rectify this matter. I hope those men can get this quandary resolved shortly. Until it is, I'm going back to Weight Watchers. Their food may not hold the same delicious allure as your products, but they won't burn my eyes or my lady's nether-regions. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Michael Broncatello

"I know it was you Frito. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!"

wojr  ¶ 2:46 PM