Wojr University: Thirty Percent of Our Graduates Go Straight to Pan-Handling

Yesterday, the ever-endearing Villanova magazine arrived in my mailbox. I believe I have mentioned this publication here before, lambasting it as the statistical recording of my peers current standing in the race to mate, reproduce and die.

This issue had numerous entries from my graduating year. Thankfully, no tallies in the death column. Since I only knew one name in the whole update, however, the continued existence of the names I saw did not carry much weight for me. (FYI - the one name I knew - Scottie Nolan. Even he has beaten my engaged ass to the altar.) But I will admit I was a little taken back by the many names I did not know.

I don't have many skills in life, but remembering people has usually been a forte of mine. True, Villanova was not the smallest of schools and I did spend much of my time there in an alcohol-related stupor. But to not recognize any of these people besides Nolan? Thus, I came to wonder about these individuals. Who were they? Where had they (or I) been hiding during our collegiate years? But more importantly, had I ever wanted to have sex with any of them? So, I did some research and by "some" I mean cracking open the yearbook.

The first names I found were of unattractive women. If you think that sounds cruel, I can use the term 'homely' instead. I'm perfectly open with both adjectives to describe these women. So, I can understand not recollecting these names right off the bat. I lived in the same dorm as Tom Clancy's daughter freshman year and I can't remember her at all thanks entirely to her homeliness. (That was also proof positive that I'll never marry for money.)

However, besides those furry females and some very odd-looking fellows, most of these people were nowhere to be found in my "research materials." It was like they just materialized from the vapor.

Then I ask myself, "What if they did?"

Imagine this. You run a prestigious university and for the past three or four months, your alumni do absolutely nothing of interest. No one dies. No one marries. No one reproduces. No new pseudo-possible galaxy is discovered by your astronomy geeks. No highly improbable cure for Athlete's Foot is worked upon. No new books, art or missionary trips to Zaire are undertaken. For over a hundred days, your alumni work at their boring uninteresting jobs, leading boring uneventful lives. Well, how would that reflect on your university? What parent would want to spend over a hundred thousand dollars to send their future world conqueror to that school?

So, wouldn't you "punch up" the alumni newsletter? If the New York Times can do it, if the film industry can do it, why can't a tiny alumni magazine do it? Use a little creativity (a.k.a. outright lies) to paint your 'product' as the best option out there. Because when you get right down to it what is that alumni magazine but marketing. Simple altruistic advertising telling you that you are part of a very special community, reminding you that you are not alone in your struggle to live, love and reproduce. Now, all they need is your credit card number and they can make sure you remain a member of that special group.

Please be advised that representatives of Wojr University will never ask for your credit card information. Dollar bills can simply be inserted in their g-strings.

wojr  ¶ 3:59 PM