Wojr's Guide to Dating - Entry #3,568:
'Alcohol & Your Penis: A Give and Take Relationship'

[Note: This entry unavoidably contains some of the profanity, but it is all for the good of the young ones.]

Freshman Orientation. In a few brief days, college officials and overzealous upperclassmen inundate incoming freshmen with an overwhelming amount of introductory information. Most of this instruction is quite useful, since a large majority of neophyte collegiates lose all common sense when rewarded with the freedom of college life. These proverbial "cubs in the woods" require education in the areas of blood alcohol contents, meal plans, drop/add slips, and most importantly, sexual consent. As Saturday Night Live has reminded us, the purchase of the surf-n-turf platter does not automatically equal consent.

However, it has always bothered me that the facilitators of said orientation never took the young men aside and told them what to do when true disaster strikes; when they drink to such an excess that their dicks cease to function. There is no Saturday Night Live skit instructing them on that horror, my friends. And that's where Wojr's Guide to Dating comes to the rescue.

We here at wojr.com understand the important role that alcohol plays in the collegiate seduction process. A fine alcoholic beverage and/or fruit desert wine could be all that stands between a night with the girl of your dreams and a night with only your fist and your dreams. The hooch can turn the tight loose, the ugly beautiful and, surprisingly enough, your body against you. To the doctors of the world, it's called 'alcohol-induced erectile dysfunction.' However, most know it as 'whiskey-dick.'

Now, don't let the name fool you. Whiskey is not the only perpetrator of the dreaded 'whiskey-dick.' Any alcoholic beverage can be the culprit of this heinous crime. Although many of my African-American friends have told me that with "gin you can always sin." However, I have no hard evidence of this. Personally, I think these gentlemen just like to rhyme.

Anyhow, that is not what I'm here to talk about. I can't help you in the prevention of the penis of the whiskey. That involves not drinking to excess and no one here at wojr.com has figured that conundrum out. I'm here to offer your best chance of surviving whiskey-dick with your sanity, reputation and manly confidence intact.

Step One: DO NOT PANIC.

Even if she notices your state of non-arousal before your drunken, oblivious ass, remain calm and in as much control as you can muster. Do not cry. Do not curse God. Do not go beating your little man like he was a rented mule. Just calmly go directly to Step Two.

Step Two: HEAD DOWNTOWN.

I don't care what your personal preference towards the cunnilingus is; you get your inebriated self down there for a nice dine at the Y. (If you like the man-love, fellatio will work just as well.) Munching box enables you to DISTRACT her from your situation with the oral stimulation as well as possibly distract yourself enough to work up some wood.

Step Three: IF FLACCIDITY CONTINUES, REPEAT STEP TWO.

More importantly though, feasting on her magnificent bounty provides you with necessary DAMAGE CONTROL. Eventually one or both of you are going to pass out, so wouldn't you rather be known as the guy who passed out in her crotch rather than a limp dick? Girls talk, my young friend, and the last thing you want spread around the female population of your vicinity is the mental image of you masturbating in the corner pleading to YAHWEH to bestow you an erection.

Plus, remember that there is always the possibility of "Morning Sex." Personally, I like getting it on in the AM. There's less likelihood of prolonged cuddling, no need for the requisite extended stamina of the evening sex, and the lovely fact that bad morning breath, more often than not, leads to the doggie-style position. Plus, if you hurry, you can get to McDonalds before they stop serving breakfast and nothing washes cheap ho out of your mouth like an Egg McMuffin.

So, next time you're sailing at half-mast, remember the four D's of whiskey-dick and you can't go wrong.

DO NOT PANIC ~ DOWNTOWN ~ DISTRACT ~ DAMAGE CONTROL.

wojr
  ¶ 4:10 PM