Capitalism + Cocaine = Naked Women on Film Part 2: 80s Nostalgia Week

Click here for the poorly written Part 1

Chewing Towards The Supple Nougat Center of Softcore

Yesterday, we discussed the laborious ways in which the typical 80s adolescent male obtained the sight of naked female flesh. Today, we’ll go over the memorable sights that were obtained.

Now, VH1 had their little “I Love the 80s” and “I Love the 80s Strikes Back” retrospectives. My enjoyment in witnessing third and fourth tier celebrities commenting on the Rubik’s cube and the Tao of Chewbacca has been well documented. However, when the most lauded flash of struggling actress titty is from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, I must take offense.

Before I get some well-deserved hate mail, I freely admit the sight of Phoebe Cates emerging from that magical pool in that magical red front clasping bikini is cinema magic. Who can blame Judge Reinhold for beating it in his pirate costume? (Actually who can blame anyone for beating it while wearing a pirate costume? It’s a blessed pirate costume! I get half a chub just about thinking of a pirate costume, but that might only be me.) I was more offended at how VH1 ignored the numerous other well-built starlets that shed their wardrobe to further the plot and commercial value of their respective projects.

As mentioned previously, the Internet was only science fiction in the Eighties. Also, the video market was still getting its sea legs. There was no commercial viability in the “direct to video” market. Thus, movies that played to the more base human entertainment needs, the same needs prone to adolescent males, were actually made with somewhat respectable production values and actually released in theatres. These motion pictures were damn-right Oscar worthy compared to the films that today would premiere on Skinemax or at Blockbuster starring Julie Strain and Shannon Tweed. Plus, they paved the way for such cinematic epics as Basic Instinct and Wild Things.

Additionally, the two shining examples of this era had an instrumental role in the formation of this man’s appreciation in the female form (almost as much as Twin Peaks, but that’s a story in itself).

However, before reaching the two pinnacles of female film nudity, let’s examine some of the also-rans. If you notice, I also include the films scores from the film site, Mr. Skin. This is a website that focuses entirely on the documenting of female nudity in film history. So, while I am only perverted enough to focus my direction on this topic for a week. These guys have made it a life’s mission. And for that wojr.com salutes the fine folks at Mr. Skin. (Not enough to actually pay for a membership, but we’re still saluting.)

SPRING BREAK Thanks to the success of Porky’s and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, no film genre saw more female nudity than the Teen Sex Comedy. Subsequently, no sub-genre of the Teen Sex Comedy saw more unnecessary nudity than the Spring Break movie. Well, run the gauntlet of them, but this, like Die Hard, was the original. There is more beer spilt on female flesh in this movie, than blood spilt in all the Texas Chainsaw Massacres. Mr. Skin gave this film three out of four stars.

WHERE THE BOYS ARE ’84 A word of warning: I’m not sure if this Spring Break remake even contained nudity. However, it had Lisa Hartman running around in a swimsuit throughout. To my teenage hormones at the time, that was enough. (Plus, Bronc would scold me if I exclude this one.) Mr. Skin gave this film one out of four stars.

HOT DOG! THE MOVIE Basically, Spring Break on the ski slopes. While you would think that the cold environs might deter the nudity, that is clearly not the case. Insert some hot tubs to Hot Dog – and the clothes just melt away. When the clothes are melting away from Playmate Shannon Tweed, well, it’s no wonder they named this film after a weiner. (I have no idea what that statement really means, but I’m going with it.) However, this film has one thing all the others lack – quotable dialogue. If I had a penny for every time I asked “What the fuck is a Chinese downhill?” – well, I could buy myself four or five pieces of Bazooka chewing cum. Mr. Skin gave this film three out of four stars.

FRATERNITY VACATION Not only did this film let the world believe that Palm Springs, CA was a possible Spring Break destination, it introduced me to acting prowess of Tim Robbins. While not as universally accepted as The Shawshank Redemption, Fraternity Vacation is definitely more pleasing for the eyes. That is assuming you would prefer the sight of naked, cocaine-addled, wannabe actresses pretending to be naked, cocaine addled college co-eds over the sight of Tim Robbins getting gang raped. If you prefer prison gang rapes, well, Fraternity Vacation just won’t be your cup of tea. Mr. Skin gave this film three out of four stars.

REVENGE OF THE NERDS Now we all had to wait for the sequel to get the nerds to go on spring break, the original film was the one with the nudity. I include it here, mostly out of respect for James Cromwell’s character, Mr. Skolnick. He really should be named Mr. Wojciak, because the charcter is totally based on my own father. If you are not familiar with Papa Wojr, then I offer up this film not only for its wonderful "Pie" imagery but also for the Oscar-worthy performances from Anthony Edwards, John Goodman, and the slayer of all sitcoms, Ted McGinley. OMEGA MU!! Mr. Skin gave this film two out of four stars.

And the last one for today,

HARDBODIES Basically, it’s the dirty old men’s turn to go on Spring Break and the film audience reaps the benefits. I’ll let the descriptive quotes from Mr. Skin speak for this film. “Amidst a gaggle of unclothed gazonga's, Julie's front and center, dropping her blue dress to pop out her natural nay-nays.” “Teal doff her top and shows her dairy-balloons in a disco-themed bedroom with a horny dude.” “In a room packed with raw racks, blonde, naturally-stacked Leslee stands on the right and takes off her dress to cavort around topless in black panties. Awesome!” Awesome indeed, my brother. I hope you move out of your Parents’ basement some day real soon. Mr. Skin gave this film three out of four stars.

Check back tomorrow for Part III.

wojr
  ¶ 4:22 PM