Capitalism + Cocaine = Naked Women on Film Part 3: 80s Nostalgia Week

Click here for the horribly written Part 2 or here for the even worse Part 1

I Know My High School Education Revolved Around Breasts

For the few of you that did not suffer through Parts I & II, here is a brief recap:

The Eighties were a magical time filled with Cocaine, convenience stores and Home Box Office. Before Six Feet Under and The Sopranos, HBO and its slutty sister channel, Cinemax, held my teenage attention by offering up BN (Brief Nudity), N (Nudity) and SC (Sexual Content). In Part II, we examined the Spring Break movies offerings up those letters of the alphabet. In Part III, we’ll look at the High School Sex Comedies leading up to the “two shining examples of this era [that] had an instrumental role in the formation of this man’s appreciation in the female form.”

PORKY’S The quote from Mr. Skin (our source on nudity in the cinema) says it all – “In it’s [sic] way as influential as The Godfather or Shaft.” Seriously, that’s what the site says The Godfather or Shaft. I swear Orson Welles is going to rise up from his grave and just starting eating some webmaster brains. Seriously though, I would not even be writing this list if it wasn’t for this film’s financial success. Spawning two sequels as well as the career of Sex & the City’s Kim Cattrell, this film solidified the place of unwarranted female nudity in cinema history. (Educational value: Taught young men about Morning Wood and Penile Measurement.) Mr. Skin gave this film FOUR out of four stars. Four stars – the prefect tittie rating.

THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN While Porky’s showed us how teens in the fifties got their mack on, The Last American Virgin showed us how they did in the eighties. Not only does it serve as a perfect 80s time capsule by doing so, it lets throngs of Better Off Dead fans know what Dianne Franklin (the French Foreign Exchange Student) looked like in the buff. (Education value: Taught young men about Coke Whores, ‘Crabs’ and, again, Penile Measurement.) Mr. Skin gave this film three out of four stars.

ZAPPED! Scott Baio gets mental powers that help his geek ass get laid. Willie Aimes plays his sidekick and further his own raging coke habit with his acting salary. Heather Thomas is in it, but despite my hazy recollection of her being naked, is not actually naked in this movie. It took until the 90s for her horrible acting skills to warrant on screen nudity. Lots of nameless extras flash their breasts though, but no four star rating here. (Education value: Taught young men that Scott Baio’s mental powers must be how he still gets so much action and that doing too much cocaine will turn you into Willie Aimes.) Mr. Skin gave this film two out of four stars.

RISKY BUSINESS UTTERLY NO EXPLANATION NEEDED. (Education value: Taught young men that Pimping, while economically rewarding, sure ain’t easy and that one should always hold out for the white hooker (unless chocolate is your thing).) Mr. Skin gave this film three out of four stars.

MY TUTOR I recall absolutely nothing about this film except that it was filled with nudity and that I had to watch it one time with my mother in the room. (Educational value: Taught young men that smut-filled films when viewed with your mother lose all their magic.) Mr. Skin gave this film FOUR out of four stars.

FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH I just included this so people wouldn’t think I forgot about it. I already went over it in Part II, plus I’m saving any further Pheobe Cates comments for the next entry. (Education value: Taught young writers that Cameron Crowe should be worshipped as a deity and that you should always pay for your share of the girl’s abortion bill.) Mr. Skin gave this film FOUR out of four stars.

PRIVATE SCHOOL Now, what kind of list of high school sex comedies would this be without some all-girl boarding school antics? I tell you, it would be an even crappier one. I forget if this film even had a plot. I’m sure it had to do with stuffy headmasters and headmistresses trying to prevent horny students, like Matthew Modine and the often naked Pheobe Cates, from consummating their teen lust. Of course, as long as it showed Betsey Russell riding topless on a horse, the plot could have involved an asteroid/meteor threatening earth with an Extinction Level Event for all I care. (Education value: Taught young men that the opposite sex was better than their right hand, left hand, horses or meteors.) Mr. Skin gave this film FOUR out of four stars.

Check back tomorrow for the FINAL TWO MOVIES in our nudity retrospective.

wojr  ¶ 11:50 AM