Happy Endings for Happy Birthdays! Or I Might Be Upset At My Lack of Birthday Gifts

As I have mentioned, Carmel and I have two cats. They're probably turning four any day now.

Exactly which day, I don't know as I am contently unaware of their birthday (or days depending how long the kitty labor was). As such, there aren't any celebratory activities planned to commemorate their birthings.

The cats are all right with the absence of birthday parties since they are unaware of such human traditions plus they can't read a damn calendar in the first place.

Basically, as long as I provide them food, dispose of their feces and refrain from sticking objects up their rectums, my relationship with my pets remains pretty copasetic.

On the other hand, my relationships with people that celebrate their pet's birthday in elaborate fashion, well, they pretty much suck.

Personally, I think such individuals are utter asses.

Follow me on this one. As I mentioned, domestic animals can't keep track of a calendar's progress. Thus, you don't see herds of German Shepards heading south for the winter. No, these animals live the life of domestic bliss where one day happily blends into another. So, providing your pet with any birthday activity really doesn't benefit them. Sure, a new toy, collar or bone might provide some brief distraction, but the animals won't understand the intention behind it.

Then, why do it?

Well, besides making yourself feel better via your expression of altruism, you now have a story to tell your peers. There is no need to complain how "nothing really excited happened" that weekend. No, you get to tell your friends and co-workers how you were a nice enough person to host a birthday party for your pet. Your story is used to convince your friends that your life is not empty or boring and that they should like and respect you more because you are a nurturing and loving person.

What a load of crap.

Whenever I hear people telling me a story where the purpose of said story is to paint them in a better light, I immediately think it's bullshit. True, I am a cynic (which really should be obvious by now). I start hearing some boring yarn about your beagle's birthday bash and my mind is goes racing.

"Why is this prick boring me with this crap? I bet he beats his dog and bought the little rodent-like dog some birthday gifts out of sheer guilt. Hold up, you know what? I bet he didn't buy the dog anything. I bet he's just telling me the story to hide the fact that he spent his weekend banging his Filipino cabana boy. You know what else? I don't think he even has a dog, that lying bastard. Yeah, he just likes sucking the life essence out of me with his boring stories. I'd wager the Filipino house boy ATE that beagle. They do that you know."

Sadly enough, that is the way my mind works. Don't believe me? Watch this one, you cynical bastards.

You know what your dog or cat really wants? (Especially if it is a member of the male gender). Your pet wants you to grope its genitalia.

How many times have you given your pet a belly rub and they look up at you with some odd sense of longing in their eyes? Isn't it obvious? They want you to go downtown and finish the job. Face it, America. To our domestic animals, we are a nation of dick teases. We rub their bellies, give them a pat on the butt, but never really follow through with the deal. We are our pet's prudish high school sweethearts.

Personally, if you told me that you gave your dog or cat a hand job, first off, no matter how cynical I have become I would definitely believe you. Who would make up a story like that? Secondly, despite the look of shock and horror on my face, I would have more respect for you if you gave your pet a "happy ending" than if you gave them a "happy birthday."

But what do I know? My girlfriend bought me flowers for my birthday. That's it, flowers. I knew I wasn't getting that three-way I asked for, but come on now. Flowers? There are pets out there right now getting better gifts than me. Some are even getting hand jobs.

wojr  ¶ 4:15 PM