A Naked Katie Holmes Could Only Be A Good Thing

Dan Brown has offered up an atypical commentary on celebrity sex tapes over at MSNBC.com, suggesting such crazy thoughts as:

A sex tape might embarrass a celebrity. It might shed light on that celebrity's bedroom habits. It might even reveal, contrary to what we in the public want to believe, that a given celebrity is not a tender and attentive lover. But the one thing a sex tape won’t do is put a dent in someone’s career.

He goes on to propose that sex tape would be "a boon to celebrities because they help generate tons of publicity."

So, immediately my mind goes to all the attractive celebrities and pseudo-celebrities that would make for some quality adult entertainment, all the time keeping in mind one of stalwart axioms in my life. "Nothing fucks like crazy." When suddenly, it dawns on me who needs to make a sex tape:

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes.

Honestly, a quality sex tape featuring these two would be the ultimate boon to not only their respective careers but to Scientology as a religion. First, it would dispel most "Tom Cruise likes the man meat" rumors that have been looming for years (as long as the video lacked any Greco-Roman wrestling.) Secondly, Katie would shed some of good girl/innocent image and be able to sink her teeth into some meatier roles. Most importantly though, if the Church of Scientology showed two of its most prominent members getting their groove on in a somewhat normal sexual fashion (i.e. no anal probes or special headgear), it would go a long way in showing that they weren't a bunch of loons. Really, it's the people that can't take the time out of their busy day to make a sex tape that I’m worried about. Those are the freaks that are out to take over the world, fly shit into skyscrapers or vote Republican.

The sexually obsessed don't worry me. It’s the religious zealots that scare the crap out of me.

Then again, I don’t have a daughter. If I did, I’d be ultra-protective and try to shelter her from the sexually obsessed pricks like me. Of course, she would rebel and end up in a sex tape. Probably with some crappy celebrity, like Pauly Shore.

There you go, I'm predicting it now. My daughter is going to bang a geriatric Pauly Shore and you'll all be able to watch. That’s almost as frightening as the Tom Sizemore sex tape. Almost.

wojr  ¶ 6:52 PM