First Pet's Name + First Street You Lived On = Too Many Syllables

You know that game people used to find out what their porn star name would be?

You take the name of your first pet as your first name.

Then, you take the name of the first street you lived on as your last name.

Personally, I never bought into that game.

First, it always seemed like something a drunk chick thought up while boozing with her chubby, closeted friend one night in her dorm room.

Secondly, I can't remember the name of the first street I lived on (We moved when I was three) or my first pet (My mom killed that goldfish in like 32 hours). Can you understand why I'm so bitter now?

However, today, I had a flash of understanding. I realized the true reason I never accepted the Porn Star Name Game as accurate.

TOO MANY DAMN SYLLABLES.

I mean, most individual’s porn names would be something like "Chester Constitution", "Missy Route 166", "Skipper Radcliffe" or "Hugsy Lancaster." Those names are just two damn long for porn stars.

No Porn Star worth their salt, especially the female ones, has a name longer than four syllables.

And even then, you need something special to warrant that fourth syllable. You need to be a Jenna Jameson or Ron Jeremy to get that elusive fourth syllable.

Most often, a female starlet will go with a two syllable first name followed by a single syllable last name. Barbara Dare, Jeanna Fine, Ginger Lynn, Autumn Haze, Jenna Haze and Summer Haze are ones that pop to mind. (Yeah, I'm milking for some "Search Traffic" there.)

Then, you have the stars that don’t even take a second name: Devon, Aja, Seka, Wojr.

How do those stars fit into the name game? Well, they don't - unless they named their pets after the street they lived on. Which is not likely.

So, the next time someone asks you what your porn star name is - you pick something under four syllables and refrain from bringing your childhood memories into the dirty world of smut.

And that drunk co-ed knew that the fat chick was in the closet the whole time, she was just being a tease.

wojr  ¶ 6:00 PM