GOP Soon To Resort to Chewbacca Defense

Normally, I try to leave discussions involving the political realm to Neerajimus Pai, but he went and stole my lightning-singed anus story. So, what’s a fella to do?

Found on news.aol.com:

Lawmaker Says 'Hastert Didn't Kill Anybody' in Foley Case

HARTFORD, Connecticut (Oct. 12) - Republican Rep. Christopher Shays defended the House speaker's handling of a congressional page scandal, saying no one died like during the 1969 Chappaquiddick incident involving Democratic Sen. Ted Kennedy.

"I know the speaker didn't go over a bridge and leave a young person in the water, and then have a press conference the next day," the embattled Connecticut congressman told The Hartford Courant in remarks published Wednesday.

"Dennis Hastert didn't kill anybody," he added.

I find myself hard pressed to refute such an argument. Using Shays’ rationale, Mark Foley shouldn’t be chastised since all he did was send some Instant Messages. Come on, no one died. Dammit, no one even got their anus scorched. No harm, no foul.

Next up has to be the Chewbacca Defense:

Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, the Democrats would certainly want you to believe that the Speaker of the House wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!

It doesn’t take a political strategist, which I am definitely not, to realize Shays was out to remind the populace of Ted Kennedy’s glorious past given that Kennedy has being campaigning for Shays’ Democratic opponent, Diane Farrell.

Shays wanted the press. He tried to burn his name in the frontal lobe of a few voters. He also wanted to remind the voters that Republicans are not the only ones prone to political scandal.

And scandal is the best way to get press. Arguing policy and agendas can not generate one percent of the media attention of a good 'cigar in a cooter' story.

It depresses me. Not as much as another Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton headline, but it still feels like a swift quick to the crotch. So, I’ll try to leave those stories to the Indian.

Oh and Raj, when you comment on a story about a lady that shot lighting from her pooper, the important remaining question is not “what happens if she was wearing rubber pants?” It’s “how’s her cooter doing?”

Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Cooter facsimile, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending Republicans, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca!

Does that make sense?

wojr

Labels: Chewbacca, News, Political

  ¶ 4:06 PM