Monday, October 23, 2006
Journey into Morbidity: The Dead Pool – Candidate Deux
In any given Dead Pool, one must always make age an extremely critical variable. It’s just a fact a life. Even with the increased number of pedophile murder-rapists in our society, the older you get, then the closer you are to death.
Thus, when picking candidates for the Inaugural wojr.com Halloween Dead Pool, it is always wise to skew towards the geriatric. Unfortunately, wojr, in his never-quenching need to keep things interesting, has limited one’s options in relation to the elderly and decrepit. In a transparent attempt to piss off his elders, the bar has been set at FIFTY years of age. So remember, only fifty percent of one’s Dead Pool selections can be above 50.
Taking this constraint into account, one must choose their elderly wisely.
Because some of those bastards are just going to live FOREVER.
Here at the wojr.com headquarters, we tend to favor the silver-haired celebrities that still like to get their swerve on with great frequency – especially the ones that like the youthful sex partners. You know, sexual carnivores like Hugh Hefner, Jack Nicholson or Stephen Hawking (You can include Phyllis Diller if you need to avoid being gender-biased.)
But is chasing nookie enough to kill the average octogenarian? Wouldn’t you like a little insurance?
The whip-smart team of analysts here at wojr.com has noticed a statistical anomaly in the Dead Pool candidates. A shit load of game show hosts are in the mix. Chuck Barris, Monty Hall, Chuck Woolery and Wink Martindale are all rapidly being chased by the Reaper. All it will take is one to fall and we predict an epidemic on our ends, a veritable Game Show Host Tsunami of Death.
So, if one compares the two groups, game show shots and geriatric poon-hounds, a single name rises above the rest. That man is our second recommendation in the DEAD POOL:
Robert William Barker a.k.a. “Bob”
Not only is there his advanced age of 82, a constant parade of available harlots for him to seduce and the strain of moving that big-ass Price is Right wheel back to the correct starting position, one also needs to take into account the greatest threat to Bob Barker’s survival:
A mammoth army of pissed-off, neutered house pets.
Barker “is known for ending every episode of The Price Is Right since the early 80's by saying, ‘Help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.’ This practice was also done by now-deceased game show hosts Jack Barry and Bert Convy.”
Through his celebrity, Bob Barker is responsible for more castrations than all the Nazi bull-dykes in the northern hemisphere. (Don’t stop to think about that one, just go with it.) He has numerous enemies in both the canine & feline communities and despite what you see in every cgi-animated film not made by Pixar, these animals are not cute and cuddly. They are vicious creatures with a real blood-lust and they can carry a grudge. To them, Bob Barker is a marked man and his time is long past due. How do you think Jack Barry and Bert Convy died? Domestic animal attack.
Plus, that Price is Right wheel just looks really, really heavy.
wojr
DEAD POOL SUMMARY
Number of entries submitted as of 11:49PM, 10/23/06: thirteen.
wojr’s Selections:
1.Bindi Irwin Dakota Fanning
2. Bob Barker
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
In any given Dead Pool, one must always make age an extremely critical variable. It’s just a fact a life. Even with the increased number of pedophile murder-rapists in our society, the older you get, then the closer you are to death.
Thus, when picking candidates for the Inaugural wojr.com Halloween Dead Pool, it is always wise to skew towards the geriatric. Unfortunately, wojr, in his never-quenching need to keep things interesting, has limited one’s options in relation to the elderly and decrepit. In a transparent attempt to piss off his elders, the bar has been set at FIFTY years of age. So remember, only fifty percent of one’s Dead Pool selections can be above 50.
Taking this constraint into account, one must choose their elderly wisely.
Because some of those bastards are just going to live FOREVER.
Here at the wojr.com headquarters, we tend to favor the silver-haired celebrities that still like to get their swerve on with great frequency – especially the ones that like the youthful sex partners. You know, sexual carnivores like Hugh Hefner, Jack Nicholson or Stephen Hawking (You can include Phyllis Diller if you need to avoid being gender-biased.)
But is chasing nookie enough to kill the average octogenarian? Wouldn’t you like a little insurance?
The whip-smart team of analysts here at wojr.com has noticed a statistical anomaly in the Dead Pool candidates. A shit load of game show hosts are in the mix. Chuck Barris, Monty Hall, Chuck Woolery and Wink Martindale are all rapidly being chased by the Reaper. All it will take is one to fall and we predict an epidemic on our ends, a veritable Game Show Host Tsunami of Death.
So, if one compares the two groups, game show shots and geriatric poon-hounds, a single name rises above the rest. That man is our second recommendation in the DEAD POOL:
Robert William Barker a.k.a. “Bob”
Not only is there his advanced age of 82, a constant parade of available harlots for him to seduce and the strain of moving that big-ass Price is Right wheel back to the correct starting position, one also needs to take into account the greatest threat to Bob Barker’s survival:
A mammoth army of pissed-off, neutered house pets.
Barker “is known for ending every episode of The Price Is Right since the early 80's by saying, ‘Help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.’ This practice was also done by now-deceased game show hosts Jack Barry and Bert Convy.”
Through his celebrity, Bob Barker is responsible for more castrations than all the Nazi bull-dykes in the northern hemisphere. (Don’t stop to think about that one, just go with it.) He has numerous enemies in both the canine & feline communities and despite what you see in every cgi-animated film not made by Pixar, these animals are not cute and cuddly. They are vicious creatures with a real blood-lust and they can carry a grudge. To them, Bob Barker is a marked man and his time is long past due. How do you think Jack Barry and Bert Convy died? Domestic animal attack.
Plus, that Price is Right wheel just looks really, really heavy.
wojr
DEAD POOL SUMMARY
Number of entries submitted as of 11:49PM, 10/23/06: thirteen.
wojr’s Selections:
1.
2. Bob Barker
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Labels: DeadPool
