Journey into Morbidity: The Dead Pool: The Slots and the Slot Fillers - Part One

[Editor’s note: Sorry for the delay in the Dead Pool predictions. It was not a faint attempt to garner hate mail (which was garnered), it was simply the result of a common cold compounded by a heavy work load and the usual addiction to hardcore German pornography. Anyhow, enough pathetic excuses, lets get back to the gallows humor.]

The rules of the Inaugural wojr.com Halloween Dead Pool are more than meager attempts at comedy. Actually, that’s a lie. They are just meager attempts at comedy. They remind me of the Ten Commandments in that way. But like the commandments, we should not ignore them completely. (Well, at least the ones that don’t involve coveting. wojr.com condones coveting in all its forms.)

Thus, spots number five through nine on the list of wojr’s Dead Pool recommendations will be the so-called “slot fillers”. (Spot number 6 will be both a slot and a slot filler.)

These predictions will attempt to answer wojr.com’s own proposed Dead Pool conundrums. Which Golden Girl is most likely to die? Will the Lord Almighty first call Bobby or Whitney to Heaven’s main stage? Which person that porked Paris Hilton will shuffle the mortal coil soonest? Is this finally the year that abevigoda.com sees a change? And lastly, who will meet the Grim Reaper first, Bronc or Wojr?

Batting lead-off in the prediction process are the crackheads: Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston-Brown.

I will admit that even prior to seeing this image:

My choice was obvious.

Of the two, Bobby is just the expected one to bite the big one. The fact that Whitney looks remotely doable now only strengthens that claim. Bobby has always been the Julian to Whitney’s Blair. What no ‘Less Than Zero’ fans in the house? How about Bobby is the Dean Moriarty to Whitney’s Sal Paradise? Nah, that one doesn’t really work. How about I just stick to the lowest common denominator of references, Bobby is the K-Fed to Whitney’s Britney.

And like Senor Federline, Bobby is just past due. The man is on borrowed time. He’s dragged out this ride much longer than anyone would have expected.

And now that he has Osama on his ass? Forget about it. His demise is a foregone conclusion.

So, the wojr.com’s Fifth Pick is: Bobby Brown

Now, as we leave the simplest deliberation in the selection process, we now enter the greatest debate that has ever raged at the wojr.com command center (outside of “what type of animal is Goofy?“ and “is Vanity Fair acceptable reading material for straight men?”) The quandary that has ignited such a dispute has been over our sixth victim and trying to foresee which Golden Girl is the least viable.

The consensus amid the wojr.com correspondents/minions is that Bea Arthur is the most probable to fall to the reaper’s scythe. Personally, I spit in the face of such thinking and would fire our entire staff for contemplating such thoughts if they weren’t so willing to work on the cheap and so accepting of all the sexual harassment.

But there is a reason why I run the show and they are just peons and not just due to the fact that I know that Bea Arthur is EVERLASTING.

Remember the movie, WarGames? You know, the one where young hacker, Matthew Broderick, almost destroyed humanity by hacking NORAD, but ended up saving it with a good game of Tic Tac Toe. Well, the young Broderick had the child-like computer W.O.P.R. (no relation to wojr) run through umpteen simulations of Tic Tac Toe followed by Global Thermonuclear War to learn that no one would win in a nuclear battle.

Now, allow me to let you all in on a little secret, W.O.P.R. could not conceive of way to take out Bea Arthur. A thousand bouts of Global Thermonuclear War and every one of them had Bea Arthur and an army of cockroaches surviving. (One version had Bea and Mike Ditka surviving and spawning a race of super human offspring upon the Earth.)

Thus, if Bea is too strong and powerful for even a nuclear attack to bring her down, which Golden Girl is wojr.com’s pick? Well, in a three-way between Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Estelle Getty, (How’s that for a HOT mental image??) we have stay true to the voices in our head and go with the slutty one.

Now, for those not up on their Golden Girls, Rue played Blanche Devereaux, who of the four lead characters was the most morally flexible in terms of who could touch her bathing suite areas. In more declarative phrasing, Blanche was a whore. Despite wojr.com’s fondness of whores, we will admit that God hates them. (See Hurricane Katrina.) So, the safe money has got to be on Rue.

wojr.com’s Sixth Pick: Rue McClanahan

Picks Seven, Eight and Nine will be disclosed shortly and we promise no more tangents about Matthew Broderick movies.

wojr

DEAD POOL SUMMARY

Number of entries submitted as of 2:09PM, 11/13/06: one hundred and seventy-seven.

wojr’s Selections:

1. Bindi Irwin Dakota Fanning
2. Bob Barker
3. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute
4. Chasey Lain
5. Bobby Brown
6. Rue McClanahan
7.
8.
9.
10.

Labels: DeadPool

  ¶ 2:09 PM