wojr - words, occasionally sentences
Friday, April 16, 2004
You can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave
Is that what the "Warm smell of colitas" is?
HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYONE!
Remember just keep it under a 100 drinks a month and you'll be fine.
wojr
Is that what the "Warm smell of colitas" is?
HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYONE!
Remember just keep it under a 100 drinks a month and you'll be fine.
wojr
Labels: 5PMSendoff, Intoxication
Michael Francis Wojciak: Cyber-Pimp to the Bunny Rabbit
(Warning: While discussing bunny rabbits can not really be considered racy subject matter, the links contained in this entry are. So keep in mind that they are really not workplace appropriate. Also, please know that no bunny rabbits were injured during the course of this piece and wojr.com does not condone the whoring or pandering of any rabbit (except when they dressed Bugs Bunny up as a hot girl - I need to get me some of that tail).)
Some of you out there have been kind enough to offer up suggestions on what topics I should address here. While comments like "you should write about whores" are always pleasing to the ears, we here at wojr.com prefer your hate mail. All subject matter is being offered at the whim of its author, me. Now, while whores, paid or drunken in variety, will always hold a special place in my heart, I must be the navigator of my own ship, the master of my own destiny. So, instead of whores, the focus of today's rant will be bunny rabbits. Bunny rabbits will not serve as a metaphor for whores at all, because I will not bow to the whims of the masses. No matter how massive he might be.
Now, as we all have seen and borne witness, the Internet has become an integral part of our society. For many, it has become their primary source for news, pornography, news about pornography, commerce and social interaction. It is the combination of the last two items that we'll be focusing on, the combination of social interaction and commerce.
The business of female rabbits offering sexual favors in exchange for goods and services predates the existence of paper currency, possibly even gold currency as well. Their trade is often referred to as the oldest profession. However, the bunnies' business has never been as publicly displayed as it is today on the Internet. No longer do these tawdry rabbits shake their fluffy little tails up and down seedy avenues and street corners selling their wares. They now promote the sale of their sweet bunny love via websites and escort malls.
Sites like The Eros Guide, CityVibe and ThatMall house hundreds of classified ads for these flagrant mammals of the family Leporidae. (That's right, I said 'Leporidae'.) Fat rabbits, Porn Star bunnies, elderly hares and even some bunnies with rabbit dicks all seem to be open for business. Hourly rates are proudly displayed as well as the 'extent' of service they offer.
Here's the kicker though, the part that makes me bow down and admire the endless possibility of the Internet - there are even websites that review these bunnies.
Ingenious male rabbits have gone about setting up places like The Erotic Review where the female bunnies are rated based on appearance, pricing, ability and depravity. According to some comments, all it takes is a few extra carrots and all inputs become available for your.. well, for your carrot. Now, for a few extra carrots, I guess I will write any story you want, but no one will be jumping in my rabbit hole, Broncatello.
So, what does this say about anything? It just shows that the world is a scary place, but the Internet is a scarier one. However, it feels good to know that my offerings here are not going to be the bottom of this Internet barrel, even when I make transsexual rabbit references.
Just remember, it is all in the name of story research, my friend. It's all for the benefit of the story. No whores were hurt, poked or prodded in the research for this piece.
wojr
(Warning: While discussing bunny rabbits can not really be considered racy subject matter, the links contained in this entry are. So keep in mind that they are really not workplace appropriate. Also, please know that no bunny rabbits were injured during the course of this piece and wojr.com does not condone the whoring or pandering of any rabbit (except when they dressed Bugs Bunny up as a hot girl - I need to get me some of that tail).)
Some of you out there have been kind enough to offer up suggestions on what topics I should address here. While comments like "you should write about whores" are always pleasing to the ears, we here at wojr.com prefer your hate mail. All subject matter is being offered at the whim of its author, me. Now, while whores, paid or drunken in variety, will always hold a special place in my heart, I must be the navigator of my own ship, the master of my own destiny. So, instead of whores, the focus of today's rant will be bunny rabbits. Bunny rabbits will not serve as a metaphor for whores at all, because I will not bow to the whims of the masses. No matter how massive he might be.
Now, as we all have seen and borne witness, the Internet has become an integral part of our society. For many, it has become their primary source for news, pornography, news about pornography, commerce and social interaction. It is the combination of the last two items that we'll be focusing on, the combination of social interaction and commerce.
The business of female rabbits offering sexual favors in exchange for goods and services predates the existence of paper currency, possibly even gold currency as well. Their trade is often referred to as the oldest profession. However, the bunnies' business has never been as publicly displayed as it is today on the Internet. No longer do these tawdry rabbits shake their fluffy little tails up and down seedy avenues and street corners selling their wares. They now promote the sale of their sweet bunny love via websites and escort malls.
Sites like The Eros Guide, CityVibe and ThatMall house hundreds of classified ads for these flagrant mammals of the family Leporidae. (That's right, I said 'Leporidae'.) Fat rabbits, Porn Star bunnies, elderly hares and even some bunnies with rabbit dicks all seem to be open for business. Hourly rates are proudly displayed as well as the 'extent' of service they offer.
Here's the kicker though, the part that makes me bow down and admire the endless possibility of the Internet - there are even websites that review these bunnies.
Ingenious male rabbits have gone about setting up places like The Erotic Review where the female bunnies are rated based on appearance, pricing, ability and depravity. According to some comments, all it takes is a few extra carrots and all inputs become available for your.. well, for your carrot. Now, for a few extra carrots, I guess I will write any story you want, but no one will be jumping in my rabbit hole, Broncatello.
So, what does this say about anything? It just shows that the world is a scary place, but the Internet is a scarier one. However, it feels good to know that my offerings here are not going to be the bottom of this Internet barrel, even when I make transsexual rabbit references.
Just remember, it is all in the name of story research, my friend. It's all for the benefit of the story. No whores were hurt, poked or prodded in the research for this piece.
wojr
Labels: Porn, Snide Remarks, Whores
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Wojr's Guide to Dating - Entry #3,567:
'As Long As You Aren't Ass-Raped, Prison Can Be A Lovely Dating Tool'
Even though my current dating status is 'Eternally Engaged', I'm pretty much an old married man. Carmel and I have lived together for over three years and have no intentions of ceasing that romantic arrangement.
So, I feel that I can start relinquishing some of my utterly stellar dating guidelines.
Today's tip: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A CRIMINAL RECORD.
Most men prone to acts of moral turpitude like myself classify women via two categories, short-term and long-term. Long-term relationships usually equal "eternity", while short-term ones can range from "nanoseconds after the orgasm" to "nanoseconds shy of eternity."
When dealing with members of the second category, when you know marriage just is not an option, never overlook the usefulness of a solid criminal record; whether you actually have one or not. (Translated implication: if you don't have one, make one up.)
Not only do you get that bad boy vibe which is quite hard to muster otherwise, you are immediately slotted into their short-term category. This lower classification frees one from the numerous "where are we going?" discussions that men considered 'marriage material' need to suffer. With the criminal history, you are going just as far as she wants, which if you're receiving a consistent supply of nookie should suit you just fine.
Speaking of the macking, being viewed as dangerous does open up new realms in bedroom area. Even George Costanza knows that the best sex is the conjugal visit sex. Just be sure to be clear that you weren't on the receiving end of any jailhouse dick and that the only tossed salad you've eaten has been from McDonald's.
Yet another benefit of the criminal history is the utter readiness of foolproof excuses. Want to head back to your crib during the pre-dawn hours? Claim that you need to run off to do your community service; just don't tell her which highway you are supposed to be picking trash from. Stopped by for some after-work boom-boom but still want to meet up with the fellas? Tell her the halfway house you are assigned to has a curfew. Don't feel like calling for a week or two? Just explain that you were in 'County'.
The key to it all is the avoidance of specifics. There is no need to go overboard on the details. Her overactive imagination will fill in the blanks. Lines like "don't worry, it's only a misdemeanor", "I was just holding something for a friend" or "I was reckless, you'd think I would know better by now" will keep you and her afloat for several weeks. Afterwards, well.. who wants a relationship to last longer than SEVERAL weeks?
Stay tuned for the next entry in Wojr's Guide to Dating
'Alcohol & Your Penis: A Give and Take Relationship'
wojr
'As Long As You Aren't Ass-Raped, Prison Can Be A Lovely Dating Tool'
Even though my current dating status is 'Eternally Engaged', I'm pretty much an old married man. Carmel and I have lived together for over three years and have no intentions of ceasing that romantic arrangement.
So, I feel that I can start relinquishing some of my utterly stellar dating guidelines.
Today's tip: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A CRIMINAL RECORD.
Most men prone to acts of moral turpitude like myself classify women via two categories, short-term and long-term. Long-term relationships usually equal "eternity", while short-term ones can range from "nanoseconds after the orgasm" to "nanoseconds shy of eternity."
When dealing with members of the second category, when you know marriage just is not an option, never overlook the usefulness of a solid criminal record; whether you actually have one or not. (Translated implication: if you don't have one, make one up.)
Not only do you get that bad boy vibe which is quite hard to muster otherwise, you are immediately slotted into their short-term category. This lower classification frees one from the numerous "where are we going?" discussions that men considered 'marriage material' need to suffer. With the criminal history, you are going just as far as she wants, which if you're receiving a consistent supply of nookie should suit you just fine.
Speaking of the macking, being viewed as dangerous does open up new realms in bedroom area. Even George Costanza knows that the best sex is the conjugal visit sex. Just be sure to be clear that you weren't on the receiving end of any jailhouse dick and that the only tossed salad you've eaten has been from McDonald's.
Yet another benefit of the criminal history is the utter readiness of foolproof excuses. Want to head back to your crib during the pre-dawn hours? Claim that you need to run off to do your community service; just don't tell her which highway you are supposed to be picking trash from. Stopped by for some after-work boom-boom but still want to meet up with the fellas? Tell her the halfway house you are assigned to has a curfew. Don't feel like calling for a week or two? Just explain that you were in 'County'.
The key to it all is the avoidance of specifics. There is no need to go overboard on the details. Her overactive imagination will fill in the blanks. Lines like "don't worry, it's only a misdemeanor", "I was just holding something for a friend" or "I was reckless, you'd think I would know better by now" will keep you and her afloat for several weeks. Afterwards, well.. who wants a relationship to last longer than SEVERAL weeks?
Stay tuned for the next entry in Wojr's Guide to Dating
'Alcohol & Your Penis: A Give and Take Relationship'
wojr
Labels: Advice, My Writing, Sex
ANOTHER REASON WHY CHILDHOOD IS BETTER THAN ADULTHOOD
McDonalds to offer Adult 'Happy Meals'? I just don't see what the hell makes these things happy? Maybe if they came with a lapdance?
From cnn.com:
Michael Jacobson, executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, credited McDonald's with taking "some small steps in the right direction" Thursday but said they don't go nearly far enough. "If McDonald's wanted to improve the public's health... it could stop using partially hydrogenated oils in its fries, which contain trans fats and are a powerful promoter of heart disease."
Ten bucks says the Center for Science in the Public Interest is funded by Burger King.
wojr
McDonalds to offer Adult 'Happy Meals'? I just don't see what the hell makes these things happy? Maybe if they came with a lapdance?
From cnn.com:
Michael Jacobson, executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, credited McDonald's with taking "some small steps in the right direction" Thursday but said they don't go nearly far enough. "If McDonald's wanted to improve the public's health... it could stop using partially hydrogenated oils in its fries, which contain trans fats and are a powerful promoter of heart disease."
Ten bucks says the Center for Science in the Public Interest is funded by Burger King.
wojr
Labels: News, Snide Remarks
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
NEVER LET A STRANGE MAN USE YOUR BATHROOM
Like Arthur Miller, I leapfrog quite a bit. Not only do I have a stack of unfinished ideas, but I have ideas with no true home; little snippets of dialogue that I have yet to find a story to fully utilize them. Here are a few for your disjointed reading enjoyment:
No setup needed.
MAN#1: Suddenly, my life has become a bad After School Special.
MAN#2: I don't recall any After School Specials involving dead hookers.
Explaining recent break-up.
MAN#1: She really liked Steve Miller.
MAN#2: What's wrong with that? Look at 'The Joker'. Great f-ing song.
MAN#1: No, she really likes Steve Miller. She wants to spend the summer following them cross-country.
MAN#2: Are they even touring?
MAN#1: I have no idea.
Food Shopping.
WOMAN: According to your list, you need chips, paper towels and bear.
MAN: I meant beer.
WOMAN: But it clearly says B-E-A-R.
MAN: I must have been suffering from alcohol withdrawal. I need beer.
(beat)
MAN: I wonder what bear tastes like though. Think we can pick some up?
Self-explanatory.
MAN#1: How was your date?
MAN#2: All right, I guess.
MAN#1: Get lucky?
MAN#2: No, but I did beat off into her facial scrub.
MAN#1: So, in essence, you gave her a facial.
MAN#2: Sounds like a pretty good date to me.
"I don't care who you are, that's funny. Gator done"
wojr
Like Arthur Miller, I leapfrog quite a bit. Not only do I have a stack of unfinished ideas, but I have ideas with no true home; little snippets of dialogue that I have yet to find a story to fully utilize them. Here are a few for your disjointed reading enjoyment:
No setup needed.
MAN#1: Suddenly, my life has become a bad After School Special.
MAN#2: I don't recall any After School Specials involving dead hookers.
Explaining recent break-up.
MAN#1: She really liked Steve Miller.
MAN#2: What's wrong with that? Look at 'The Joker'. Great f-ing song.
MAN#1: No, she really likes Steve Miller. She wants to spend the summer following them cross-country.
MAN#2: Are they even touring?
MAN#1: I have no idea.
Food Shopping.
WOMAN: According to your list, you need chips, paper towels and bear.
MAN: I meant beer.
WOMAN: But it clearly says B-E-A-R.
MAN: I must have been suffering from alcohol withdrawal. I need beer.
(beat)
MAN: I wonder what bear tastes like though. Think we can pick some up?
Self-explanatory.
MAN#1: How was your date?
MAN#2: All right, I guess.
MAN#1: Get lucky?
MAN#2: No, but I did beat off into her facial scrub.
MAN#1: So, in essence, you gave her a facial.
MAN#2: Sounds like a pretty good date to me.
"I don't care who you are, that's funny. Gator done"
wojr
Labels: Intoxication, My Writing, Whores
No, Frank Miller Wrote the Dark Knight Returns
From the NY Times:
"At 88 Arthur Miller is busier and more productive than many playwrights half his age, with two new plays circling New York. 'I leapfrog plays,' he said during a recent interview. He explained that he will start a play, then put it aside, and often begin another. Stacked in his studio at his home in Connecticut - and in his mind - are beginnings, or at least ideas, for future works, just waiting for a spark that will send him back into action."
To me - that is utterly inspiring. It's exactly what I would want to be doing at 88 (and ties strongly into the script I'm currently working on.).
But, dude, you might want to start working on finishing that stack. You are EIGHTY-EIGHT years old. You're like OLD.
wojr
From the NY Times:
"At 88 Arthur Miller is busier and more productive than many playwrights half his age, with two new plays circling New York. 'I leapfrog plays,' he said during a recent interview. He explained that he will start a play, then put it aside, and often begin another. Stacked in his studio at his home in Connecticut - and in his mind - are beginnings, or at least ideas, for future works, just waiting for a spark that will send him back into action."
To me - that is utterly inspiring. It's exactly what I would want to be doing at 88 (and ties strongly into the script I'm currently working on.).
But, dude, you might want to start working on finishing that stack. You are EIGHTY-EIGHT years old. You're like OLD.
wojr
Labels: News, Snide Remarks
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Yet Another Sign of the Apocalypse
From foxsports.com:
We caught the last bit of the Miss USA Pageant last night. Are they always this dense? Yes, they're all hot, but we were laughing out loud at some of their answers to pageant questions.
For example, they asked Miss Oklahoma, "If you could have dinner with one person in the world, who would it be?" Who'd she choose? President Bush? The Pope? Nelson Mandela? She thought really, really hard and came up with Justin Timberlake.
I didn't watch the Miss USA Pageant (which seems strange given my Victoria's Secret rant yesterday), but I had better things to do. So, I can't vouch for any of this, but I heard the actual question involved anyone in the world, living or dead. So, that would include Jesus, Albert Einstein and John Holmes in the list of people that JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE would have beaten.
Boy, I bet Lance Bass is pissed. I bet that hurt him almost as much as not going up on the Russian Space Taxi.
And whom did the rocket scientist from Oklahoma lose to? The pig wrestler from Missouri that likes the fast food. Too bad Jessica Simpson didn't compete; she could have walked away with this bad boy without breaking a sweat. Of course, she's married and no longer a Miss.
Seriously though, we need to start thinning the herd and I hate to say it, but the pretty ones may need to be the first people to go. I honestly think Wayne Brady "may need to choke a bitch".
wojr
From foxsports.com:
We caught the last bit of the Miss USA Pageant last night. Are they always this dense? Yes, they're all hot, but we were laughing out loud at some of their answers to pageant questions.
For example, they asked Miss Oklahoma, "If you could have dinner with one person in the world, who would it be?" Who'd she choose? President Bush? The Pope? Nelson Mandela? She thought really, really hard and came up with Justin Timberlake.
I didn't watch the Miss USA Pageant (which seems strange given my Victoria's Secret rant yesterday), but I had better things to do. So, I can't vouch for any of this, but I heard the actual question involved anyone in the world, living or dead. So, that would include Jesus, Albert Einstein and John Holmes in the list of people that JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE would have beaten.
Boy, I bet Lance Bass is pissed. I bet that hurt him almost as much as not going up on the Russian Space Taxi.
And whom did the rocket scientist from Oklahoma lose to? The pig wrestler from Missouri that likes the fast food. Too bad Jessica Simpson didn't compete; she could have walked away with this bad boy without breaking a sweat. Of course, she's married and no longer a Miss.
Seriously though, we need to start thinning the herd and I hate to say it, but the pretty ones may need to be the first people to go. I honestly think Wayne Brady "may need to choke a bitch".
wojr
Labels: News, Snide Remarks, Whores
I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THIS ONE (IF I BELIEVED IN HELL)
Memo from God (aka Allah) to All Terrorists
"Hey fellas,
I think there has been some misinformation spread among you and your cohorts. There are no virgins in Heaven. We give everyone a 'go' at the Pearly Gates to make sure no frigid bitches make it in here. It's kinda like that Patrick Swayze movie, Road House, where the bouncers have their way with the underage lady bar customers. Man, I love that Swayze guy. I wish I could get my hair like that.
So, dudes, I'm sorry but, unless you're after the male virgins, I can't even spare you one 'unspoiled' piece of ass, let alone whatever ungodly number you've all been promised.
Get it? 'Ungodly'? Man, that cracks me up.
Sayounara Bitches, I'm off to pull me 'a Fredo'.
Big Poppa"
wojr
Memo from God (aka Allah) to All Terrorists
"Hey fellas,
I think there has been some misinformation spread among you and your cohorts. There are no virgins in Heaven. We give everyone a 'go' at the Pearly Gates to make sure no frigid bitches make it in here. It's kinda like that Patrick Swayze movie, Road House, where the bouncers have their way with the underage lady bar customers. Man, I love that Swayze guy. I wish I could get my hair like that.
So, dudes, I'm sorry but, unless you're after the male virgins, I can't even spare you one 'unspoiled' piece of ass, let alone whatever ungodly number you've all been promised.
Get it? 'Ungodly'? Man, that cracks me up.
Sayounara Bitches, I'm off to pull me 'a Fredo'.
Big Poppa"
wojr
Labels: My Writing, Religion, Snide Remarks
Monday, April 12, 2004
Alright This Has Stopped Being Funny..
From eonline.com:
Partly as a result of Janet Jackson's Super Bowl boob stunt and the current FCC crackdown on indecency, Victoria's Secret confirming it is canceling its nationally televised fashion show this year.
Stop the country, I want to get off.
Ever since I started this damn site, I've wanted to rail against this Janet Jackson Nipple-Ring Return to Sanctimony Bullshit that has been semi-sweeping the undercurrent of our country, but I didn't.
First of all, it seemed like too obvious a target. In my humble opinion, attacking Happy Days takes skill, while the Jackson issue is the easy lay-up.
Secondly, I didn't want to call any more attention to it (even what feeble attention my words would warrant). I just wanted the whole thing to go away.
BUT IT IS NOT GOING AWAY.
It is entrenching itself like a local Walmart. Here we are, almost three months later and the damn Nipplegate fiasco is still rolling. (By the way, have we now officially run out of words to slap in front of 'gate'? When is that nonsense going to end? DILDOGATE? SKEETGATE?) A millisecond flash of semi-metallic Nubian bosom during the half-time show of the year's biggest excuse for beer advertisement & consumption is robbing the American zeitgeist of whatever chutzpah it has generated since the invention of the crotchless panty. (Wait, let me bask in the glow of that sentence. AHHH!)
What really bothers me I bet if we saw Britney Spear's ta-ta instead, there would be no great uproar. (Wait, let me bask in the mental image of Britney's breast. AHHH!)
WHY?
Are bigots upset that the first breast their pre-adolescent sons saw was African-American? Newsflash: National Geographic has been providing prepubescent males (especially the repressed Baptist prepubescent males) their first glimpses of the Black Tittie for decades and no one is censoring them.
Were people hoping against hope that Janet would be the one Jackson to avoid public shame and embarrassment? Newsflash: Compared to the crap Michael and LaToya have going on, Janet would need to strap a Buick to her chest to be the degenerate of that clan. She may have staged the whole thing to take some heat away from the pedophile allegations. I don't have a sister, but if I had one that flashed her breasts to support me at a time of difficulty, she would get my props.
Were football fans around the world upset because they missed the Third Quarter because they had to explain to their children what a Nipple Adornment was? Newsflash: You all need to spend more time with your kids. Talk to them about the breasts, because breasts will find them (or vice versa). Remember your own youth, when newsstands and convenience stores housed those precious magazines filled with mysterious T&A. Now, remember that was before the advent of the Internet. So take the time now and explain the wonders of knockers to your boys and girls. And while you're at it, explain to me the whole mammary fascination. Personally, I love them. Don't know why, just do. Is it because they provided my sustenance through my newborn stage? Is it because I don't have a pair of my own? Is it all Hugh Hefner's fault? Will someone please tell me why I'm like this, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD? Because if you can't, then don't take the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show away from me.
THE TRUTH:
I cannot remember the first time my young ass saw some bare boobies. I know I did though and, as previously mentioned, I knew I liked them.
However, I do remember vividly the first time I saw a man break his leg. Lawrence Taylor sacked Joe Theisman so hard - his leg broke in three places and Theisman's career was over. The visual was utterly disgusting and forever etched on my memory. Now, I hate the whole rant how Americans are so repressed and glorify violence while abhorring sexuality, but DAMMIT, just because I hate it doesn't make it untrue. Hours of men hurling themselves at each other, putting themselves in serious physical peril over the oddest shaped pigskin ball are perfectly acceptable for your children to watch. Some gratuitous nudity calls for the rage and bile of the FCC. Strange enough, the Europeans are fine with the sex & the nudity and those bastards are ass-deep in the Catholicism. The whole thing is beyond me.
Plus, don't forget while you're watching those modern day gladiators duke it out on the 100 yards of Astroturf that the referee is about to call a television timeout for the wonders of the beer commercial. Now, who exactly are these commercials for? Not the average football fan, their fridges and coolers are stocked before the first coin toss. Not the average beer drinker, they have long ago formed their own brand loyalties based on taste and hangover potential. These ads, with their cute little lobsters and farting reindeer, are for the kids. Budweiser wants the first beer your little tyke buys from the homeless guy that hangs out behind the liquor store to be a Bud (or at the very least, Bud Light). No talking dog or clever ad is going to make the common man switch brands. It would take two chicks wrestling in a fountain to do that - but that's almost like what got us here in the first place. So, talk to your kid about beer when you're discussing the happy fun bags - it will make a great introduction to the area of beer-goggling.
Do you see a trend here? Taking to your kids? There are many, many things a parent needs to talk to their kids about. It's almost like this parenting thing would be a full-time gig, you think? With all the conversations, the monitoring of TV viewing & the Internet, plus all the feeding, bathing, and clothing. It's a wonder how some parents find time to wage their socio-political agendas that rob me of my Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Thankfully, we have special interest groups looking out for our.. well, our interests.
But before I finish, I just have to say that people would watch that Victoria's Secret show specifically for the possibility of a wardrobe malfunction. That is the whole point, and no silly pretense of half-time entertainment. Of course, eighty percent would watch to be tantalized by the possible "malfunctions", while sixty percent would watch so they could be outraged at the exposure of the nudie bits. (No, my math is not wrong. Forty percent have issues and would be both tantalized & outraged.) However, Victoria has forsaken us, because it is an Election year. It is easier for Politicians to pretend to fix our nation's moral fiber than it is to repair the Social Security situation or resolve the Iraq conundrum.
So, Janet's tit came out of its halter and saw its shadow - we're due for several more weeks of hypocrisy. Don't put your shovels into storage yet. We could be knee-deep in it by morning.
WOJR.COM - FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHT TO BOOBS
wojr
From eonline.com:
Partly as a result of Janet Jackson's Super Bowl boob stunt and the current FCC crackdown on indecency, Victoria's Secret confirming it is canceling its nationally televised fashion show this year.
Stop the country, I want to get off.
Ever since I started this damn site, I've wanted to rail against this Janet Jackson Nipple-Ring Return to Sanctimony Bullshit that has been semi-sweeping the undercurrent of our country, but I didn't.
First of all, it seemed like too obvious a target. In my humble opinion, attacking Happy Days takes skill, while the Jackson issue is the easy lay-up.
Secondly, I didn't want to call any more attention to it (even what feeble attention my words would warrant). I just wanted the whole thing to go away.
BUT IT IS NOT GOING AWAY.
It is entrenching itself like a local Walmart. Here we are, almost three months later and the damn Nipplegate fiasco is still rolling. (By the way, have we now officially run out of words to slap in front of 'gate'? When is that nonsense going to end? DILDOGATE? SKEETGATE?) A millisecond flash of semi-metallic Nubian bosom during the half-time show of the year's biggest excuse for beer advertisement & consumption is robbing the American zeitgeist of whatever chutzpah it has generated since the invention of the crotchless panty. (Wait, let me bask in the glow of that sentence. AHHH!)
What really bothers me I bet if we saw Britney Spear's ta-ta instead, there would be no great uproar. (Wait, let me bask in the mental image of Britney's breast. AHHH!)
WHY?
Are bigots upset that the first breast their pre-adolescent sons saw was African-American? Newsflash: National Geographic has been providing prepubescent males (especially the repressed Baptist prepubescent males) their first glimpses of the Black Tittie for decades and no one is censoring them.
Were people hoping against hope that Janet would be the one Jackson to avoid public shame and embarrassment? Newsflash: Compared to the crap Michael and LaToya have going on, Janet would need to strap a Buick to her chest to be the degenerate of that clan. She may have staged the whole thing to take some heat away from the pedophile allegations. I don't have a sister, but if I had one that flashed her breasts to support me at a time of difficulty, she would get my props.
Were football fans around the world upset because they missed the Third Quarter because they had to explain to their children what a Nipple Adornment was? Newsflash: You all need to spend more time with your kids. Talk to them about the breasts, because breasts will find them (or vice versa). Remember your own youth, when newsstands and convenience stores housed those precious magazines filled with mysterious T&A. Now, remember that was before the advent of the Internet. So take the time now and explain the wonders of knockers to your boys and girls. And while you're at it, explain to me the whole mammary fascination. Personally, I love them. Don't know why, just do. Is it because they provided my sustenance through my newborn stage? Is it because I don't have a pair of my own? Is it all Hugh Hefner's fault? Will someone please tell me why I'm like this, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD? Because if you can't, then don't take the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show away from me.
THE TRUTH:
I cannot remember the first time my young ass saw some bare boobies. I know I did though and, as previously mentioned, I knew I liked them.
However, I do remember vividly the first time I saw a man break his leg. Lawrence Taylor sacked Joe Theisman so hard - his leg broke in three places and Theisman's career was over. The visual was utterly disgusting and forever etched on my memory. Now, I hate the whole rant how Americans are so repressed and glorify violence while abhorring sexuality, but DAMMIT, just because I hate it doesn't make it untrue. Hours of men hurling themselves at each other, putting themselves in serious physical peril over the oddest shaped pigskin ball are perfectly acceptable for your children to watch. Some gratuitous nudity calls for the rage and bile of the FCC. Strange enough, the Europeans are fine with the sex & the nudity and those bastards are ass-deep in the Catholicism. The whole thing is beyond me.
Plus, don't forget while you're watching those modern day gladiators duke it out on the 100 yards of Astroturf that the referee is about to call a television timeout for the wonders of the beer commercial. Now, who exactly are these commercials for? Not the average football fan, their fridges and coolers are stocked before the first coin toss. Not the average beer drinker, they have long ago formed their own brand loyalties based on taste and hangover potential. These ads, with their cute little lobsters and farting reindeer, are for the kids. Budweiser wants the first beer your little tyke buys from the homeless guy that hangs out behind the liquor store to be a Bud (or at the very least, Bud Light). No talking dog or clever ad is going to make the common man switch brands. It would take two chicks wrestling in a fountain to do that - but that's almost like what got us here in the first place. So, talk to your kid about beer when you're discussing the happy fun bags - it will make a great introduction to the area of beer-goggling.
Do you see a trend here? Taking to your kids? There are many, many things a parent needs to talk to their kids about. It's almost like this parenting thing would be a full-time gig, you think? With all the conversations, the monitoring of TV viewing & the Internet, plus all the feeding, bathing, and clothing. It's a wonder how some parents find time to wage their socio-political agendas that rob me of my Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Thankfully, we have special interest groups looking out for our.. well, our interests.
But before I finish, I just have to say that people would watch that Victoria's Secret show specifically for the possibility of a wardrobe malfunction. That is the whole point, and no silly pretense of half-time entertainment. Of course, eighty percent would watch to be tantalized by the possible "malfunctions", while sixty percent would watch so they could be outraged at the exposure of the nudie bits. (No, my math is not wrong. Forty percent have issues and would be both tantalized & outraged.) However, Victoria has forsaken us, because it is an Election year. It is easier for Politicians to pretend to fix our nation's moral fiber than it is to repair the Social Security situation or resolve the Iraq conundrum.
So, Janet's tit came out of its halter and saw its shadow - we're due for several more weeks of hypocrisy. Don't put your shovels into storage yet. We could be knee-deep in it by morning.
WOJR.COM - FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHT TO BOOBS
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Labels: News, Porn, Religion, Snide Remarks
