wojr - words, occasionally sentences
Friday, April 23, 2004
TODAY IN THE HISTORY OF GUYS THAT DID NOT GET LAID.. EVER
HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYONE!
wojr
HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYONE!
wojr
Labels: 5PMSendoff
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Like the Loaf Says 'Two Out of Three Ain't Bad'
It's been roughly nine months since I got a haircut. For those of you that don't know me personally that may not seem like a big deal, but trust me it is. For the first time in my life, I could put my hair in a ponytail. (Honestly, I just tested it)
So I could, if I choose to. Which I do not.
So now, I know that I am not a ponytail guy. We already concluded that I'm not a wife-swapping guy.
However, I am the type of fellow that has a website that you can find if you type "gave her a facial" into a search engine. I know I brought this on myself. But I thought you all might get a whimsical kick out of that tidbit.
Bring on the pervert Internet traffic. I'm ready for you.
wojr
It's been roughly nine months since I got a haircut. For those of you that don't know me personally that may not seem like a big deal, but trust me it is. For the first time in my life, I could put my hair in a ponytail. (Honestly, I just tested it)
So I could, if I choose to. Which I do not.
So now, I know that I am not a ponytail guy. We already concluded that I'm not a wife-swapping guy.
However, I am the type of fellow that has a website that you can find if you type "gave her a facial" into a search engine. I know I brought this on myself. But I thought you all might get a whimsical kick out of that tidbit.
Bring on the pervert Internet traffic. I'm ready for you.
wojr
Labels: Odd Search Results, woj
'Have the Dogs Stopped Screaming, Clarice?'
On the way to work, an odd thought occurred to me.
When you walk by a house with a dog or when a car goes by with a dog hanging out the window, you know how, more often than not, those dogs will just start barking at you? There are just dogs that will just bark themselves silly, like their very existence depended on it, trying to get your attention.
What if those barks are actually cries for help?
I'm not saying all of these dogs are being held captive against their will. But what if it is true for only 10% of the dogs? That 10% still totals over 600 thousand dogs in America alone. And we don't even eat dogs here.
But don't get me wrong, I'm glad dogs can't form words. Because if they did, you know they would never shut the hell up. And it goes a little something like this..
"Hey, where's my food? Hey, where's my bone? Hey buddy, want to go play catch? Play catch? Play catch? Wanna go for a walk? Man, that leash is tight. Can't you loosen it up? How about I shit in your slippers if you don't loosen that leash up? You know what? I hate dry dog food. How about the moist stuff? How about some steak for that matter? Don't look at me like that, brother. You snipped my balls. I can't get laid no more. So for sure I'm going to talk your ear off. Just remember I'm man's best friend. I'm the best friend your sorry ass is going to get. Now, how about some cold water here? This dish has been out in the sun all day long. It nearly scolded my tongue. Man, this hotel sucks. The service is horrible. Your leg looks good though. If I could get it up, I would hump that like there was no tomorrow."
Scary thing is - I had to make myself stop typing. I could have gone on and on and on.
So, next time a dog barks at you for no reason, don't be afraid to call animal services. You might be saving a life.
wojr
On the way to work, an odd thought occurred to me.
When you walk by a house with a dog or when a car goes by with a dog hanging out the window, you know how, more often than not, those dogs will just start barking at you? There are just dogs that will just bark themselves silly, like their very existence depended on it, trying to get your attention.
What if those barks are actually cries for help?
I'm not saying all of these dogs are being held captive against their will. But what if it is true for only 10% of the dogs? That 10% still totals over 600 thousand dogs in America alone. And we don't even eat dogs here.
But don't get me wrong, I'm glad dogs can't form words. Because if they did, you know they would never shut the hell up. And it goes a little something like this..
"Hey, where's my food? Hey, where's my bone? Hey buddy, want to go play catch? Play catch? Play catch? Wanna go for a walk? Man, that leash is tight. Can't you loosen it up? How about I shit in your slippers if you don't loosen that leash up? You know what? I hate dry dog food. How about the moist stuff? How about some steak for that matter? Don't look at me like that, brother. You snipped my balls. I can't get laid no more. So for sure I'm going to talk your ear off. Just remember I'm man's best friend. I'm the best friend your sorry ass is going to get. Now, how about some cold water here? This dish has been out in the sun all day long. It nearly scolded my tongue. Man, this hotel sucks. The service is horrible. Your leg looks good though. If I could get it up, I would hump that like there was no tomorrow."
Scary thing is - I had to make myself stop typing. I could have gone on and on and on.
So, next time a dog barks at you for no reason, don't be afraid to call animal services. You might be saving a life.
wojr
Labels: Advice, My Writing, Snide Remarks
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
The Odd Paths to WOJR.COM
From now through the end of the month, things are going to be rather hectic in the Wojciak household. A down to the wire script deadline, a massive school project, finishing up this site as well the regular rigmarole of being me are going to postpone any possibility of real sleep to May.
But I can still find time to be an utter geek.
One of the more interesting aspects of manning this site is seeing how people actually find it. Some use book marks. Some click on links. Others mercifully click on the links I email them (if you're a friend, it's technically not spam). But the ones I really feel sorry for are the ones that stumble here via a search engine.
Now, I don't mean the ones that enter in "wojr" and are surprised to find my site. I'm talking about the following people:
Someone looking for "high speed police chase-procedure" stumbled on my comic script, Dichotomy. Hope you enjoyed it.
Two people also found Dichotomy by typing in "randolph and mortimer." I'll assume they were both Trading Places fans.
One poor soul was looking for an "article on linda cardellini in sunday's paper" and found this journal entry. Hope you weren't a Scooby Doo fan.
Another wayward internet surfer was looking for "that girl grace" and found Lost Monuments. I think my Grace is much cooler than "that" one.
Not sure what the person that entered "sentences on confronted" was looking for, but they got the end of my Larry Flynt story.
One person actually typed in "Michael Wojciak." What the hell were they thinking?
Some Jack Black fan actually typed "if laura and her bourgeois lawyer friends can't handle it" into a search engine and for that they get my respect.
But lastly, some person in their search for "high school gym shorts" was lead to my obituary. And that gives me pause. Am I going to live a life that some person will forever associate with gym shorts? Well, there are worse things to be associated with.
Like the thing growing on this woman's chin.
God, I just can't get over that thing. It calls out to me.
wojr
From now through the end of the month, things are going to be rather hectic in the Wojciak household. A down to the wire script deadline, a massive school project, finishing up this site as well the regular rigmarole of being me are going to postpone any possibility of real sleep to May.
But I can still find time to be an utter geek.
One of the more interesting aspects of manning this site is seeing how people actually find it. Some use book marks. Some click on links. Others mercifully click on the links I email them (if you're a friend, it's technically not spam). But the ones I really feel sorry for are the ones that stumble here via a search engine.
Now, I don't mean the ones that enter in "wojr" and are surprised to find my site. I'm talking about the following people:
Someone looking for "high speed police chase-procedure" stumbled on my comic script, Dichotomy. Hope you enjoyed it. Two people also found Dichotomy by typing in "randolph and mortimer." I'll assume they were both Trading Places fans. One poor soul was looking for an "article on linda cardellini in sunday's paper" and found this journal entry. Hope you weren't a Scooby Doo fan. Another wayward internet surfer was looking for "that girl grace" and found Lost Monuments. I think my Grace is much cooler than "that" one. Not sure what the person that entered "sentences on confronted" was looking for, but they got the end of my Larry Flynt story. One person actually typed in "Michael Wojciak." What the hell were they thinking? Some Jack Black fan actually typed "if laura and her bourgeois lawyer friends can't handle it" into a search engine and for that they get my respect. But lastly, some person in their search for "high school gym shorts" was lead to my obituary. And that gives me pause. Am I going to live a life that some person will forever associate with gym shorts? Well, there are worse things to be associated with.Like the thing growing on this woman's chin.
God, I just can't get over that thing. It calls out to me.
wojr
Labels: My Writing, Odd Search Results, Snide Remarks
Monday, April 19, 2004
And The Bunnies Just Keep On Hopping
On eBay, a book of 1940s San Francisco PD mugshots is up for auction here. Containing mostly female convicts (you know, those bunny rabbits I was talking about), some of the images are absolutely priceless. Here are a few:
Mixture of Mexican & Irish in 1940s - this poor girl never had a chance.
I don't know what scares me more - the thing on her chin or the fact that her chest hair is an identifying item. (Edited: Oh, her hair is the color chestnut.)
According to the Urban Dictionary, a chickenhead is "a female who spends her time primarily looking for men to engage in sex with, which may or may not include oral sex; a female who lacks common sense and is primarily dependent on the male gender."
It pains me as a writer that a picture is truly worth a thousand words.
wojr
On eBay, a book of 1940s San Francisco PD mugshots is up for auction here. Containing mostly female convicts (you know, those bunny rabbits I was talking about), some of the images are absolutely priceless. Here are a few:
Mixture of Mexican & Irish in 1940s - this poor girl never had a chance.
I don't know what scares me more - the thing on her chin or the fact that her chest hair is an identifying item. (Edited: Oh, her hair is the color chestnut.)
According to the Urban Dictionary, a chickenhead is "a female who spends her time primarily looking for men to engage in sex with, which may or may not include oral sex; a female who lacks common sense and is primarily dependent on the male gender."
It pains me as a writer that a picture is truly worth a thousand words.
wojr
Labels: Snide Remarks, Whores
OH! Those Kinds of Whores!
In response to Friday's bunny rabbit/lady of the night rant, the loyal reader in question wrote in to tell me "I meant MEDIA whores! I thought you would get off railing against them. Christ, your mind is in the gutter."
Well, that is an entirely different kind of rabbit.
While those individuals that offer nothing of true value in their quest for their next sound bite piss me off to no end, I myself can only aspire to be a MEDIA-WHORE.
I'll admit it. I need the damn exposure.
WILL SOMEONE INTERVIEW ME ALREADY?
I give great sound bites.
I really do.
For a complete and utter hypocrite.
wojr
In response to Friday's bunny rabbit/lady of the night rant, the loyal reader in question wrote in to tell me "I meant MEDIA whores! I thought you would get off railing against them. Christ, your mind is in the gutter."
Well, that is an entirely different kind of rabbit.
While those individuals that offer nothing of true value in their quest for their next sound bite piss me off to no end, I myself can only aspire to be a MEDIA-WHORE.
I'll admit it. I need the damn exposure.
WILL SOMEONE INTERVIEW ME ALREADY?
I give great sound bites.
I really do.
For a complete and utter hypocrite.
wojr
Labels: Whores
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Now I'll Be On The Prowl For Some Brown Sugar
Carmel & I went food-shopping last night and ended up buying like five pounds of strawberries - They were on sale.
You know what, though?
It's true. The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
I always thought that was just something black people said in attempt to get laid.
Who knew it was actually true?
Wojr
Carmel & I went food-shopping last night and ended up buying like five pounds of strawberries - They were on sale.
You know what, though?
It's true. The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.
I always thought that was just something black people said in attempt to get laid.
Who knew it was actually true?
Wojr
