wojr - words, occasionally sentences
Friday, June 11, 2004
SORRY, IT'S THE ONLY PICTURE I COULD FIND
Next week, I'll try to do better.
HAPPY 5:00PM FRIDAY EVERYONE!
wojr
Next week, I'll try to do better.
HAPPY 5:00PM FRIDAY EVERYONE!
wojr
Consider It A Sociological Experiment
Posted the following FAKE Personal Ad on Craig's List:
DEFINITION OF A 'REAL CATCH'
I'm a thirty-something white male just looking for love. Is this balding overweight guy right for you? Only if you like unemployed guys with an awkwardly close attachment to their mother. If you do, then take a chance on this mildly depressed fellow with no real long-term plans or direction. I'm positive we would hit it off, then I can finally move out of my mother's house and into yours.
PS: Also, I am blessed with a magnificent unit and incredible staying power.
I'll let you know what responses I get.
wojr
Posted the following FAKE Personal Ad on Craig's List:
DEFINITION OF A 'REAL CATCH'
I'm a thirty-something white male just looking for love. Is this balding overweight guy right for you? Only if you like unemployed guys with an awkwardly close attachment to their mother. If you do, then take a chance on this mildly depressed fellow with no real long-term plans or direction. I'm positive we would hit it off, then I can finally move out of my mother's house and into yours.
PS: Also, I am blessed with a magnificent unit and incredible staying power.
I'll let you know what responses I get.
wojr
Thursday, June 10, 2004
This Is Probably Why Frito-Lay Customer Service Does Not Have An Email Address
Contents of Actual Letter I Mailed June 10, 2004:
Frito-Lay
Consumer Affairs
PO Box 660634
Dallas TX 75266-0634
Dear Mr. And Mrs. Lay -
After a long sojourn from the pleasures of junk food, I have been lured back into the fold by one of your alluring products. The Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon and their renowned prowess in the art of crunchy seduction called out from the supermarket shelf and brought an avalanche of calories upon my health-conscious eating habits.
However, the dent in my diet is not my main complaint. Oh, certainly not. The Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon have committed a more nefarious act than the simple addition of fat to my midsection and bottom.
After devouring two complete bags of your fiery product, I was surprised to find my hand covered in a mysterious red substance. As I mentioned previously, I had managed to avoid junk food for an extended period of time. Thus, I had forgotten how your non-Flaming Cheetos would leave an orange residue on one's fingertips. Excluding further scientific study, I think it is safe to assume the same goes for your Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon.
The scarlet residue from your product is not only difficult to remove by simple washing, but it contains the same catalysts that give the product its Flaming Hot kick. Whatever mystery spices you are using in your product, they appear to be quite caustic. Speaking from personal experience, one should avoid any eye contact or, even, carnal activity with this substance on parts of your body.
Thus, the question begs to be asked - is it possible to make your fabulous food products free of this residue? Is the excessive food coloring really necessary? Doesn't America know by now that Cheetos are the cheesiest? Wouldn't you guys still be the cheesiest without the unnatural orange hue? Will the Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon be any less flaming if they were a nice mauve color? They aren't green, yet the eating public still understands there will a lime/lemon aftertaste. If you are extremely attached to your present color scheme then maybe a tasty covering be applied, one that provides a layer of protection between the eater and the cheeto (almost like an edible shellac)?
These are just a few possible solutions. I am positive Frito-Lay has smarter men than myself that could come up with even better ways to rectify this matter. I hope those men can get this quandary resolved shortly. Until it is, I'm going back to Weight Watchers. Their food may not hold the same delicious allure as your products, but they won't burn my eyes or my lady's nether-regions. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Michael Broncatello
"I know it was you Frito. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!"
wojr
Contents of Actual Letter I Mailed June 10, 2004:
Frito-Lay
Consumer Affairs
PO Box 660634
Dallas TX 75266-0634
Dear Mr. And Mrs. Lay -
After a long sojourn from the pleasures of junk food, I have been lured back into the fold by one of your alluring products. The Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon and their renowned prowess in the art of crunchy seduction called out from the supermarket shelf and brought an avalanche of calories upon my health-conscious eating habits.
However, the dent in my diet is not my main complaint. Oh, certainly not. The Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon have committed a more nefarious act than the simple addition of fat to my midsection and bottom.
After devouring two complete bags of your fiery product, I was surprised to find my hand covered in a mysterious red substance. As I mentioned previously, I had managed to avoid junk food for an extended period of time. Thus, I had forgotten how your non-Flaming Cheetos would leave an orange residue on one's fingertips. Excluding further scientific study, I think it is safe to assume the same goes for your Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon.
The scarlet residue from your product is not only difficult to remove by simple washing, but it contains the same catalysts that give the product its Flaming Hot kick. Whatever mystery spices you are using in your product, they appear to be quite caustic. Speaking from personal experience, one should avoid any eye contact or, even, carnal activity with this substance on parts of your body.
Thus, the question begs to be asked - is it possible to make your fabulous food products free of this residue? Is the excessive food coloring really necessary? Doesn't America know by now that Cheetos are the cheesiest? Wouldn't you guys still be the cheesiest without the unnatural orange hue? Will the Flaming Hot Cheetos with Limon be any less flaming if they were a nice mauve color? They aren't green, yet the eating public still understands there will a lime/lemon aftertaste. If you are extremely attached to your present color scheme then maybe a tasty covering be applied, one that provides a layer of protection between the eater and the cheeto (almost like an edible shellac)?
These are just a few possible solutions. I am positive Frito-Lay has smarter men than myself that could come up with even better ways to rectify this matter. I hope those men can get this quandary resolved shortly. Until it is, I'm going back to Weight Watchers. Their food may not hold the same delicious allure as your products, but they won't burn my eyes or my lady's nether-regions. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Michael Broncatello
"I know it was you Frito. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!"
wojr
Monday, June 07, 2004
Hey - If We Can Say Bugs Bunny Was A Cause of Violence..
Just to let everyone know, because I'm sure you all would be frigging interested - but I do find my current job much more appealing than the one I previously held. The reason for that is simple. I feel like the odds of someone walking through this office with an automated weapon are significantly less here than my last place of employment. I honestly wish I was kidding, but that office had a few characters that kept me on a constant 'Amber Alert'.
Frighteningly enough, I think that feeling of apprehension is true for most of Corporate America. It certainly isn't as bad as the current anxiety associated with air travel (where anyone with an overactive bladder can be a possible terrorist), however, it always looms on the periphery. Now free of the confines of the postal industry, incidents of work-related violence are just way too common - BUT I think I have found the root of this particular evil.
Dilbert.
Before you start wondering if I'm the most likely candidate to go on a killing spree, let me lay out my theory.
This past weekend, I was reading through the Sunday Paper and, of course, perused the Comics section. (FYI - I do read more than just that section. Sometimes.) I got a good laugh from this week's Dilbert, primarily due to the similarity between one of the cartoon's characters and one of my eccentric coworkers. It really is the basis for the success of Scott Adams' comic strip. While overblown and cartoonish, the serial does offer up viewpoints and characters remarkably similar to the common corporate environment. There lies the problem.
By equating coworkers to simplistic cartoon characters, their humanity becomes diminished to our perspectives. They cease to be three-dimensional human beings and, instead, become two-dimensional caricatures. And if cartoons have taught us anything, it is that two-dimensional caricatures can be eliminated with extreme prejudice with little guilt or remorse.
Let's take Midge from Human Resources for example. Aside from her fetish for Precious Moments figurines, Midge is a lovely person and I wish no great harm to fall upon her. (Small amounts of harm, however, are always good for office gossip.) However, if I, thanks to the dogma of Dilbert, view Midge as some quasi-demonic cat that is the purest essence of evil, well, I just might have to pop a cap in her rotund ass (and if I'm taking her down, I'm taking those stupid porcelain figurines down with her). And that's just me. Just imagine what is going through the mind of some temp that thinks the quickest way to Justine Bateman's heart is to mow down dozens of people with his M16. (Stupid little man, doesn't he know Justine Bateman is in love with me??)
So, the point of my whole tirade is this: Bill Watterson needs to bring back Calvin & Hobbes. No one got killed over the story of a little boy and his stuffed tiger.
(And a warning to Fred in Legal: That limp is not fooling me for a second. I know you're a threat and I'm watching you. The second I think you're packing heat; I'm taking you down, Mister. Taking you down to Chinatown.)
wojr (aka Mr. Mallory Keaton)
Just to let everyone know, because I'm sure you all would be frigging interested - but I do find my current job much more appealing than the one I previously held. The reason for that is simple. I feel like the odds of someone walking through this office with an automated weapon are significantly less here than my last place of employment. I honestly wish I was kidding, but that office had a few characters that kept me on a constant 'Amber Alert'.
Frighteningly enough, I think that feeling of apprehension is true for most of Corporate America. It certainly isn't as bad as the current anxiety associated with air travel (where anyone with an overactive bladder can be a possible terrorist), however, it always looms on the periphery. Now free of the confines of the postal industry, incidents of work-related violence are just way too common - BUT I think I have found the root of this particular evil.
Dilbert.
Before you start wondering if I'm the most likely candidate to go on a killing spree, let me lay out my theory.
This past weekend, I was reading through the Sunday Paper and, of course, perused the Comics section. (FYI - I do read more than just that section. Sometimes.) I got a good laugh from this week's Dilbert, primarily due to the similarity between one of the cartoon's characters and one of my eccentric coworkers. It really is the basis for the success of Scott Adams' comic strip. While overblown and cartoonish, the serial does offer up viewpoints and characters remarkably similar to the common corporate environment. There lies the problem.
By equating coworkers to simplistic cartoon characters, their humanity becomes diminished to our perspectives. They cease to be three-dimensional human beings and, instead, become two-dimensional caricatures. And if cartoons have taught us anything, it is that two-dimensional caricatures can be eliminated with extreme prejudice with little guilt or remorse.
Let's take Midge from Human Resources for example. Aside from her fetish for Precious Moments figurines, Midge is a lovely person and I wish no great harm to fall upon her. (Small amounts of harm, however, are always good for office gossip.) However, if I, thanks to the dogma of Dilbert, view Midge as some quasi-demonic cat that is the purest essence of evil, well, I just might have to pop a cap in her rotund ass (and if I'm taking her down, I'm taking those stupid porcelain figurines down with her). And that's just me. Just imagine what is going through the mind of some temp that thinks the quickest way to Justine Bateman's heart is to mow down dozens of people with his M16. (Stupid little man, doesn't he know Justine Bateman is in love with me??)
So, the point of my whole tirade is this: Bill Watterson needs to bring back Calvin & Hobbes. No one got killed over the story of a little boy and his stuffed tiger.
(And a warning to Fred in Legal: That limp is not fooling me for a second. I know you're a threat and I'm watching you. The second I think you're packing heat; I'm taking you down, Mister. Taking you down to Chinatown.)
wojr (aka Mr. Mallory Keaton)
