wojr - words, occasionally sentences
Friday, March 31, 2006
IF IT'S NOT SCOTTISH, IT'S CRAP!
I have no idea where I found this, but today it seems to fit the bill.
HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYBODY!
wojr
I have no idea where I found this, but today it seems to fit the bill.
HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYBODY!
wojr
Consider It A Sociological Experiment IV: The Return of the Sociological Experiment
A long time ago on a blog not too far away…
Actually, back in June 2004 (For our younger readers, 2004 was the boring year before 2005.) wojr.com conducted a little sociological experiment.
On June 11th, 2004, I posted the following Internet Personal Ad:
On June 17th, 2004, I reversed genders and posted this Personal Ad:
Since it's been almost two years, I thought I would try my luck again. Hell, anyone reading this blog knows I’ll frequently draw from the same well for my own benefit.
And here are the results for your benefit.
Responses to the 2006 male version: ONE
In her defense, she got the joke. “are you serious that is ether the funniest add I have seen or the most honest . you get points in my book why don't you start over and tell me about your self.”
Responses to the 2006 female version: THIRTY-FOUR (before the ad was FLAGGED & REMOVED. I cry foul! CENSORSHIP! CENSORSHIP!)
Again, some of those responses were two or three word requests for a picture, but I was surprised for a second time to find many sincere and earnest replies.
Here's a sampling (No corrections have been made for spelling or grammar):
"You sound very interesting....first, I love big girls, and in all honesty big girls are the best sexual lovers....that is a definite plus....sounds like just a sex thing huh, but honestly if the sex is not good, there is no chance of a real relationship....because then the horns would always pop up.....would like to talk with you...." What horns? Is he referring to horns of the musical variety, the bull variety or the devil variety?
"6/3 220 white jew from the valley Im 40 220 lbs" The guy knows how to sell himself. By the way, he weighs 220 lbs.
"i am XXXX and i am very tall and on the ball" If his name was Paul, it would have worked. Unfortunately, it was not.
"how much overwieght?" This guy grades on a curve.
"You're funny!" That’s the entire email – so I’m going to assume this was actually fan mail to me & not related to the personal ad. My ego is one hungry bitch.
"HELLO IM xxx LIVES NEAR MAGIC MOUNTAIN SINGLE NO KIDS LIVES ALONE..I own my own home all to myslef..im 6ft tall, 190lbs blonde with blue eyes and im nicholas cages lookalike...." A balding man that wants to make it perfectly clear he lives alone. Anyone else picturing the pit from Silence of the Lambs? "It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it’s told!"
"Yeah, right. All women say they are as charming and desireable as you. Prove it." Did he read the ad?
"Let me help pay the rent, give XX a call 310-XXX-XXXX" Need a sugar daddy? Then, email me for the phone number. I get a commission though.
"let me test your gag reflex" Thankfully, this guy did not attach a pic.
"I'll take the neuroses and father complex (which is kind of hot) just so I can have the tits and the no-gag-reflex." Actually, I respect his honesty.
And the winner is…
"so, um, magnificent, huh?
Oh, hello.
Now, is a 43-y-o dude just t-o-o much of a dinosaur to be considered in all of this?
(... magnificent ... yum ...)
Well, in any event: me, 43 (as mentioned), a writer/PR dude, a father with full custody of my 12-y-o daughter, a G-rated dad at home, smoke pot out, but don't drink really.
Love to kiss and hold the woman's tit and feel her up as we make out and pop her boob out and suck her tits covering her breasts with spit from sucking and kissing....
Well, bye, I guess."
So, what did I learn anything new from all this the second time around? Nope, just reinforced how much the dating scene in LA scares me.
Well, bye, I guess.
wojr
A long time ago on a blog not too far away…
Actually, back in June 2004 (For our younger readers, 2004 was the boring year before 2005.) wojr.com conducted a little sociological experiment.
On June 11th, 2004, I posted the following Internet Personal Ad:
DEFINITION OF A 'REAL CATCH'Number of replies to the 2004 ad: ZERO
I'm a thirty-something white male just looking for love. Is this balding overweight guy right for you? Only if you like unemployed guys with an awkwardly close attachment to their mother. If you do, then take a chance on this mildly depressed fellow with no real long-term plans or direction. I'm positive we would hit it off, then I can finally move out of my mother's house and into yours.
PS: Also, I am blessed with a magnificent unit and incredible staying power.
On June 17th, 2004, I reversed genders and posted this Personal Ad:
SHE'S THE DEFINITION OF A 'REAL CATCH'Number of replies to this ad: SEVENTY-EIGHT
I'm a twenty-something white female just looking for love. Is this neurotic overweight girl right for you? Only if you like unemployed ladies with an awkwardly close attachment to their father. If you do, then take a chance on this mildly depressed girl with no real long-term plans or direction. I'm positive we would hit it off, then I can finally move out of my mother's house and into yours.
PS: Also, I am blessed with magnificent juggs and no gag reflex.
Since it's been almost two years, I thought I would try my luck again. Hell, anyone reading this blog knows I’ll frequently draw from the same well for my own benefit.
And here are the results for your benefit.
Responses to the 2006 male version: ONE
In her defense, she got the joke. “are you serious that is ether the funniest add I have seen or the most honest . you get points in my book why don't you start over and tell me about your self.”
Responses to the 2006 female version: THIRTY-FOUR (before the ad was FLAGGED & REMOVED. I cry foul! CENSORSHIP! CENSORSHIP!)
Again, some of those responses were two or three word requests for a picture, but I was surprised for a second time to find many sincere and earnest replies.
Here's a sampling (No corrections have been made for spelling or grammar):
"You sound very interesting....first, I love big girls, and in all honesty big girls are the best sexual lovers....that is a definite plus....sounds like just a sex thing huh, but honestly if the sex is not good, there is no chance of a real relationship....because then the horns would always pop up.....would like to talk with you...." What horns? Is he referring to horns of the musical variety, the bull variety or the devil variety? "6/3 220 white jew from the valley Im 40 220 lbs" The guy knows how to sell himself. By the way, he weighs 220 lbs. "i am XXXX and i am very tall and on the ball" If his name was Paul, it would have worked. Unfortunately, it was not. "how much overwieght?" This guy grades on a curve. "You're funny!" That’s the entire email – so I’m going to assume this was actually fan mail to me & not related to the personal ad. My ego is one hungry bitch. "HELLO IM xxx LIVES NEAR MAGIC MOUNTAIN SINGLE NO KIDS LIVES ALONE..I own my own home all to myslef..im 6ft tall, 190lbs blonde with blue eyes and im nicholas cages lookalike...." A balding man that wants to make it perfectly clear he lives alone. Anyone else picturing the pit from Silence of the Lambs? "It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it’s told!" "Yeah, right. All women say they are as charming and desireable as you. Prove it." Did he read the ad? "Let me help pay the rent, give XX a call 310-XXX-XXXX" Need a sugar daddy? Then, email me for the phone number. I get a commission though. "let me test your gag reflex" Thankfully, this guy did not attach a pic. "I'll take the neuroses and father complex (which is kind of hot) just so I can have the tits and the no-gag-reflex." Actually, I respect his honesty.And the winner is…
"so, um, magnificent, huh?Oh, hello.
Now, is a 43-y-o dude just t-o-o much of a dinosaur to be considered in all of this?
(... magnificent ... yum ...)
Well, in any event: me, 43 (as mentioned), a writer/PR dude, a father with full custody of my 12-y-o daughter, a G-rated dad at home, smoke pot out, but don't drink really.
Love to kiss and hold the woman's tit and feel her up as we make out and pop her boob out and suck her tits covering her breasts with spit from sucking and kissing....
Well, bye, I guess."
So, what did I learn anything new from all this the second time around? Nope, just reinforced how much the dating scene in LA scares me.
Well, bye, I guess.
wojr
Thursday, March 30, 2006
When I Enter My Homeless Man Phase
I don’t think I’ll panhandle. I mean all the good panhandling signs have been made.
Like this one:
(Someone give that guy a sitcom deal or something. He can certainly write up something better than Yes, Dear.)
Instead, I think I’ll sell raffle tickets for my soul. I know I’m borrowing heavily from those guys (Why is it always guys that do that?) that are auctioning off their souls on eBay. However, I don’t I think they are not realizing their true financial potential on eBay. Those auctions have a set ending time. You are limiting your sales window.
My soul raffle may never end. I could just keep on postponing the date of my “soul” drawing forever. Also, I can just rig the raffle. Make sure I, or maybe Jesus Christ (by the way, two separate people), would win the main prize.
I mean I’d be homeless. I doubt the raffle police could even track me down. Unless they were ninjas.
Then, I would need kungfu lessons to protect me from the ninja raffle police. I probably should take some kungfu lessons anyway. I’m sure they would be more useful to me than my soul.
wojr
I don’t think I’ll panhandle. I mean all the good panhandling signs have been made.
Like this one:
(Someone give that guy a sitcom deal or something. He can certainly write up something better than Yes, Dear.)Instead, I think I’ll sell raffle tickets for my soul. I know I’m borrowing heavily from those guys (Why is it always guys that do that?) that are auctioning off their souls on eBay. However, I don’t I think they are not realizing their true financial potential on eBay. Those auctions have a set ending time. You are limiting your sales window.
My soul raffle may never end. I could just keep on postponing the date of my “soul” drawing forever. Also, I can just rig the raffle. Make sure I, or maybe Jesus Christ (by the way, two separate people), would win the main prize.
I mean I’d be homeless. I doubt the raffle police could even track me down. Unless they were ninjas.
Then, I would need kungfu lessons to protect me from the ninja raffle police. I probably should take some kungfu lessons anyway. I’m sure they would be more useful to me than my soul.
wojr
I Think Aunt Jane Bought Me One of These For Xmas
What is this thing?
"Cause I'm long, and I'm strong - And I'm down to get the friction on."
Click here to find out. (Link is oddly safe for work.)
wojr
What is this thing?
"Cause I'm long, and I'm strong - And I'm down to get the friction on."
Click here to find out. (Link is oddly safe for work.)
wojr
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
You See! I Too Can BE In a Minority (aka More Porn Talk)
Being the utterly dull white hetero male that I am, I jump at any chance to be lumped in with a minority, especially the ones that don’t involve burning crosses.
In this entry to her “word blog”, Rachael Noel comments on the minority I wholeheartedly belong to:
This rationale does not mean that just having a cock in a porno flick automatically makes one "the protagonist" in my eyes. I’m not that sexist. Women can be the central characters of porn films as well. (Well, unless it’s a guy with a really HUGE schlong, then that dude has got to be hero.)
In addition, with lesbian scenes, the cynic in me never allows me to believe that I am seeing actual female orgasms. Even the ones that claim to have projectile orgasms generate doubt in my mind. (No, Phillyboom, I still have full faith in your "Squirt" story.)
Speaking of orgasms - in her blog, Noel goes on to comment on a website, www.beautifulagony.com (Link is quasi-NSFW), that “resonates” with her sexual interests. The site contains videos of men and women reaching sexual fulfillment – framed from their shoulders on upward.
That site reminds how I once told Bronc that I wanted to make a clip montage of the horrible “O” faces from old school pornos. You know the ones that were obviously shot ten minutes after the actual climax. (Come on, if the scene is being shot with only one camera, how did they get the shot of his face as well as the money shot? Suspension of belief, my ass.) Beautiful Agony's faces appear infinitely more sincere and believe than those pornos of my youth.
And on one last porn-related side note, another item found on Fleshbot.com (Link is NSFW) states:
But who am I kidding? Alpha 15 has an all-female cast. It plays to the majority and leaves my sorry minority ass at the back of the bus -- feeling all limp and flaccid.
wojr
Being the utterly dull white hetero male that I am, I jump at any chance to be lumped in with a minority, especially the ones that don’t involve burning crosses.
In this entry to her “word blog”, Rachael Noel comments on the minority I wholeheartedly belong to:
I've had this conversation with my roommate a number of times. He is of the male minority it seems, in that he does not get off on the experience of watching two women go at it. His rationale is that a in a lesbian scene, there is no way for him to mentally project himself into what he's watching - no direct influence nor interest on the part of his own male libido.Without a penis in the scene, it’s hard for me to identify with the needs of any of the characters. I require someone/thing to root for (I was about to write "someone to get behind" but I caught myself).
This rationale does not mean that just having a cock in a porno flick automatically makes one "the protagonist" in my eyes. I’m not that sexist. Women can be the central characters of porn films as well. (Well, unless it’s a guy with a really HUGE schlong, then that dude has got to be hero.)
In addition, with lesbian scenes, the cynic in me never allows me to believe that I am seeing actual female orgasms. Even the ones that claim to have projectile orgasms generate doubt in my mind. (No, Phillyboom, I still have full faith in your "Squirt" story.)
Speaking of orgasms - in her blog, Noel goes on to comment on a website, www.beautifulagony.com (Link is quasi-NSFW), that “resonates” with her sexual interests. The site contains videos of men and women reaching sexual fulfillment – framed from their shoulders on upward.
That site reminds how I once told Bronc that I wanted to make a clip montage of the horrible “O” faces from old school pornos. You know the ones that were obviously shot ten minutes after the actual climax. (Come on, if the scene is being shot with only one camera, how did they get the shot of his face as well as the money shot? Suspension of belief, my ass.) Beautiful Agony's faces appear infinitely more sincere and believe than those pornos of my youth.
And on one last porn-related side note, another item found on Fleshbot.com (Link is NSFW) states:
It’s not that the movie looked bad or that the all-female cast couldn’t melt stone with one leg wrapped around their collective back; it was just a marketing decision: Alpha 15, Big Sister And the Trial of Emily LaBore just didn’t sound like a porn title. It had to be changed to something conducive to making high-end adult consumers want to rent it as a precursor to making sweet consensual love.Personally, I think Alpha 15, Big Sister And the Trial of Emily LaBore is an utterly fantastic title. Reminds me of Stephen Colbert’s Stephen Colbert’s Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure. (A book which makes me hard just thinking about it.)
But who am I kidding? Alpha 15 has an all-female cast. It plays to the majority and leaves my sorry minority ass at the back of the bus -- feeling all limp and flaccid.
wojr
My Hard Drive Done Vomited
Just trying to get these pics off my hard drive at work.
Hope some of them might strike some of you as being funny.
After a while, my hard drive just starts dry heaving. I apologize.
HAPPY HUMP DAY!
wojr
Just trying to get these pics off my hard drive at work.
Hope some of them might strike some of you as being funny.
After a while, my hard drive just starts dry heaving. I apologize.
HAPPY HUMP DAY!
wojr
I Should Take That MENSA Test Now, Before It's Too Late
And the quote of the day is:
"It's a scientific fact. For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ."
-Truman Capote
And that doesn't even take into account inflation!! Two points of IQ won't even buy you a loaf of bread today!
wojr
And the quote of the day is:
"It's a scientific fact. For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ."
-Truman Capote
And that doesn't even take into account inflation!! Two points of IQ won't even buy you a loaf of bread today!
wojr
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
I'm Bored By Porn, But It Can Still Surprise Me
First off, found this porn review on Fleshbot.com (Link is NSFW):
I still haven't read The DaVinci Code, so as far as I know that might be the actual plot of the book. I really would not be surprised.
What does surprise me was the following exchange I read on lukeisback.com (Link is Quasi-NSFW):
(And with names like Rob Spallone and Nelson X, do you think they had any other options BESIDES a career in porn?)
wojr
First off, found this porn review on Fleshbot.com (Link is NSFW):
Dan Brown should thank "Da Vinci Load" writer Nelson X and director Jerome Tanner for adapting his execrable book for the proper medium: porn.Do you think mainstream media exists only to provide the porn world storylines to lampoon? (Plus, I was unaware porn movies still came with plotlines. I still can't find a narrative in Slut Puppies; no matter how many times I watch it.)
Operatives of the Priory of Semen, including penile profiler Dr. Nadia Saint (Missy Monroe) discover that Leonardo Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa using his own sperm. Determined to resurrect Da Vinci and overjoyed that the master's sperm was not all "lost up a man's ass", they steal the painting and kill anyone who gets in their way.
This is already so much more believable than that whole Virgin Mary thing.
The actors often fall just slightly short of Nelson X's script, which is the most dialogue-intensive porn script since "Personal Best". Somehow this makes the tongue-in-cheek movie better.
Standout sex scenes are delivered by fleshpots Monroe, Hailey Paige, and Tory Lane, and Frank Bukkwyd and Evan Stone ham it up with gusto:
Monroe: So Da Vinci jerked off in his paintings?
Stone (as Professor Lee Teabag): It's just the way things were done!
I still haven't read The DaVinci Code, so as far as I know that might be the actual plot of the book. I really would not be surprised.
What does surprise me was the following exchange I read on lukeisback.com (Link is Quasi-NSFW):
Rob Spallone To Shoot World's Oldest GangbangWhen I read stuff like, my catholic school girl fetish just seems so lame in comparison. But I wonder where this guy found his "50 people over 60". Do you think he held casting sessions at the VFW or the American Legion? Makes me want to buy more stock in Pfizer.
I call him Tuesday morning.
Rob: "I'm shooting the world's oldest gangbang."
Luke: "That's disgusting."
Rob: "You know how I did the world's biggest gangbang? Kat Kleavage had sex with 50 people over 300 pounds. I am now shooting one girl with 50 people over 60 years old."
Luke: "You're a genius."
(And with names like Rob Spallone and Nelson X, do you think they had any other options BESIDES a career in porn?)
wojr
Are You Sure I was Trying to EAT the Hamster?
I would be concerned, but we all know this is the way I'm going to die.
wojr
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I would be concerned, but we all know this is the way I'm going to die.
wojr
Monday, March 27, 2006
How Do You Say "Kill the White Devil"??
I do have other topics that I wanted to discuss – March Madness, DaVinci Code Porn, the truly bizarre search keywords that have been leading people to this website – but this story just screamed out to me.
Found on cnn.com:
A "triple talaq"? Wasn’t that Rodney Dangerfield’s dive in Back to School?
"I don't joke about dives. Especially that one. It almost killed me." God, I miss Rodney.
Anyhow, back to religious fubars..
Ideally, I would love to hear Bush comment on how this course of action violates the sanctity of marriage, but I know I’m not that lucky.
However I am lucky enough to avoid any real damage with my own sleep-talking. (And no, I don’t stutter in my sleep.) Besides the name of an ex here or there, I’ve avoided uttering anything too incendiary. Carm also talks in her sleep but she normally speaks in her own dialect ("Cebuano", for those keeping score at home). Thus, in order to protect myself, I had her teach me how to say "Kill the White Devil" in Cebuano. (I won’t even try to spell it out here.) If I hear that phrase uttered in bed, well, I’ll know to start sleeping with my 3 wood.
Now that I think about it, I should make sure there aren’t any Filipino nocturnal divorce customs that I need to be made aware of. I would hate to wake up one morning with half my possessions gone because I uttered some Back to School quotes in my sleep.
"But your honor, he called me a melon and told me to put me suit on! He is the White Devil! KILL WHITEY!"
Sorry let that get away from me, again let’s get back to the religious screw-ups..
Personally, I’m happy to see some Muslim religious leaders acting slightly idiotic. Why should the Catholic Right hog all the good blunders? Plus some crazy talk from up high should make some Muslims stop and question the edicts of these leaders. They might start doubting the actual number of virgins waiting for them in the afterlife.
And I’ll take three talaqs over a single suicide bombing any day of the week.
wojr
I do have other topics that I wanted to discuss – March Madness, DaVinci Code Porn, the truly bizarre search keywords that have been leading people to this website – but this story just screamed out to me.
Found on cnn.com:
NEW DELHI, India (Reuters) -- A Muslim couple in India have been told by local Islamic leaders they must separate after the husband "divorced" his wife in his sleep, the Press Trust of India reported.
Sohela Ansari told friends that her husband Aftab had uttered the word "talaq," or divorce, three times in his sleep, according to the report published in newspapers on Monday.
When local Islamic leaders got to hear, they said Aftab's words constituted a divorce under an Islamic procedure known as "triple talaq." The couple, married for 11 years with three children, were told they had to split.
The religious leaders ruled that if the couple wanted to remarry they would have to wait at least 100 days. Sohela would also have to spend a night with another man and be divorced by him in turn.
The couple, who live in the eastern state of West Bengal, have refused to obey the order and the issue has been referred to a local family counseling center.
A "triple talaq"? Wasn’t that Rodney Dangerfield’s dive in Back to School?
"I don't joke about dives. Especially that one. It almost killed me." God, I miss Rodney.
Anyhow, back to religious fubars..
Ideally, I would love to hear Bush comment on how this course of action violates the sanctity of marriage, but I know I’m not that lucky.
However I am lucky enough to avoid any real damage with my own sleep-talking. (And no, I don’t stutter in my sleep.) Besides the name of an ex here or there, I’ve avoided uttering anything too incendiary. Carm also talks in her sleep but she normally speaks in her own dialect ("Cebuano", for those keeping score at home). Thus, in order to protect myself, I had her teach me how to say "Kill the White Devil" in Cebuano. (I won’t even try to spell it out here.) If I hear that phrase uttered in bed, well, I’ll know to start sleeping with my 3 wood.
Now that I think about it, I should make sure there aren’t any Filipino nocturnal divorce customs that I need to be made aware of. I would hate to wake up one morning with half my possessions gone because I uttered some Back to School quotes in my sleep.
"But your honor, he called me a melon and told me to put me suit on! He is the White Devil! KILL WHITEY!"
Sorry let that get away from me, again let’s get back to the religious screw-ups..
Personally, I’m happy to see some Muslim religious leaders acting slightly idiotic. Why should the Catholic Right hog all the good blunders? Plus some crazy talk from up high should make some Muslims stop and question the edicts of these leaders. They might start doubting the actual number of virgins waiting for them in the afterlife.
And I’ll take three talaqs over a single suicide bombing any day of the week.
wojr
