wojr - words, occasionally sentences
Friday, April 07, 2006
Ask Yourself, What Would Jessica Simpson Do?
For the last couple of weeks, I have been noticing the same ad for Lasik surgery in the LA Weekly.
Basically, the text of the ad goes along the lines of – “Jessica Simpson could have chosen anyone for her LASIK surgery... She chose Glenn A. Kawesch and so can you!” (I checked out his website where he reiterates that selling point, lists other (supposedly) famous clients and even conducts a contest for a free surgery)
The actual advertisement always made me chuckle as I imagined other people Jessica might have chosen. She could have chosen anyone. ANYONE! Mr. Magoo, Leif Garrett or even her sister, Ashlee. The list was endless. Hey, it made me laugh and that's what counts.
However, I didn’t see any reason to comment on it here until I saw this website, LASIK AT HOME.
“Affordable In-Home LASIK Surgery You Can Do Yourself!”
I honestly can not tell if this website is for real or not. The ordering options seem completely functional. You can even buy a sweet t-shirt – with this image on the back:
So, now my little chuckle at the expense of Jessica takes on an entirely new light.
I just hope Gleen A. Kawesch can handle the competition.
DON’T BLINK, KAWIE!
wojr
For the last couple of weeks, I have been noticing the same ad for Lasik surgery in the LA Weekly.
Basically, the text of the ad goes along the lines of – “Jessica Simpson could have chosen anyone for her LASIK surgery... She chose Glenn A. Kawesch and so can you!” (I checked out his website where he reiterates that selling point, lists other (supposedly) famous clients and even conducts a contest for a free surgery)
The actual advertisement always made me chuckle as I imagined other people Jessica might have chosen. She could have chosen anyone. ANYONE! Mr. Magoo, Leif Garrett or even her sister, Ashlee. The list was endless. Hey, it made me laugh and that's what counts.
However, I didn’t see any reason to comment on it here until I saw this website, LASIK AT HOME.
“Affordable In-Home LASIK Surgery You Can Do Yourself!”
I honestly can not tell if this website is for real or not. The ordering options seem completely functional. You can even buy a sweet t-shirt – with this image on the back:
So, now my little chuckle at the expense of Jessica takes on an entirely new light.I just hope Gleen A. Kawesch can handle the competition.
DON’T BLINK, KAWIE!
wojr
"Come on over! Me, P.J. and Barfy are pullin' a train on Mommy."
If you haven't been turned on to their site yet:
theotherfamily.com
Parodies of The Family Circus that even make me blush!
"Hey, Daddy! Now our HIV tests match!"
Pure genius!
wojr
If you haven't been turned on to their site yet:
theotherfamily.com
Parodies of The Family Circus that even make me blush!
"Hey, Daddy! Now our HIV tests match!"
Pure genius!
wojr
Thursday, April 06, 2006
If I Put Naked Ladies In The Headline, Will You Read This?
(Warning: The Headline, in all probability, will be the best written portion of this entry.)
Found on yesbutnobutyes.com (via attu (Both are NSFW)):
But what really got my blood flowing was my own national pride. (Yes, liberals can have national pride.)
Is England really kicking our American asses at streaking? (FYI - Streaking is the practice of running around in public places nude.)
The United States of America - home to Scores, the San Fernando Valley, Whip ‘Em Out Wednesdays, the Tampa 14 and Girls Gone Wild (Side note: click here for a funny Girls Gone Wild article.) - is losing a contest in public nudity??
I could not believe it – so, I went to google and did some research.
And we are getting our asses handed to us in streaking. Just look at this – The Streakers’ Hall of Fame. (You think it’s SFW? Then you’re an idiot.) Dominated by the British (and the Kiwis, but really, what’s the difference?)
Thus, America, consider this a call to arms. Your country needs you naked and running free. (Not you, Grosso, you’ve already done your part.)
Then, once we have beaten those Redcoats (if that term can apply to naked people) and reclaimed our American pride & self-esteem, maybe then we wouldn’t be so easily offended by some Super Bowl boobage.
And I miss me some half-time titty.
wojr
(Warning: The Headline, in all probability, will be the best written portion of this entry.)
Found on yesbutnobutyes.com (via attu (Both are NSFW)):
Streaking - a curiously British phenomenon (that guy who streaked behind David Niven at the Oscars notwithstanding). While I was growing up, it seemed that almost every national sporting event in England was interrupted by a naked runner - usually a short ugly hairy man who proved to the crowd just how cold the weather actually was (see Seinfeld, shrinkage).And they go about showing the naked ladies – one of which is actually doing a cartwheel – none of which actually got my blood flowing in the slightest.
But while no-one - male or female - probably gives a damn about seeing male dangly bits jogging across a tennis court, I thought there might be a little more interest in a Hall of Fame for the great female streakers to grace our sporting arenas.
And so, YBNBY provides a pictorial guide to the Ten best female streakers of all time.
But what really got my blood flowing was my own national pride. (Yes, liberals can have national pride.)
Is England really kicking our American asses at streaking? (FYI - Streaking is the practice of running around in public places nude.)
The United States of America - home to Scores, the San Fernando Valley, Whip ‘Em Out Wednesdays, the Tampa 14 and Girls Gone Wild (Side note: click here for a funny Girls Gone Wild article.) - is losing a contest in public nudity??
I could not believe it – so, I went to google and did some research.
And we are getting our asses handed to us in streaking. Just look at this – The Streakers’ Hall of Fame. (You think it’s SFW? Then you’re an idiot.) Dominated by the British (and the Kiwis, but really, what’s the difference?)
Thus, America, consider this a call to arms. Your country needs you naked and running free. (Not you, Grosso, you’ve already done your part.)
Then, once we have beaten those Redcoats (if that term can apply to naked people) and reclaimed our American pride & self-esteem, maybe then we wouldn’t be so easily offended by some Super Bowl boobage.
And I miss me some half-time titty.
wojr
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Don’t Judge Me by This Entry
Today, on this 232nd day in this “Age of Diddy,” I awoke to take a bowel movement of frightening proportions. (I have only myself to blame since I ate El Pollo Loco last night. Once you choose to eat at a place called The Crazy Chicken, you relinquish any rights to complain about stomach consequences.)
However, during said B.M., I realized something. Everyone on this planet has at one time or another excreted something from their ass that has given them pause. I am talking about everyone from Victoria Secret models to US Presidents to common crack addicts. They all have that one thing in common. They have all stopped in their tracks, stared at their own ass-spawn and wondered, “Where the hell did that shit came from?” Financial status, political power or international fame will not protect you from a fierce crap.
I can’t think of anything else exactly like that – that secret, undignified unifying x-factor.
The closest concept that I could come was the notion that everyone probably has had sex (with or without a partner) someplace they shouldn’t have. Just someplace wrong. Like the couch in the living room. At work. The commuter train from Philly to Boston. Woj’s bed.
(By the way, that was Dan, Dan, Dan & Dan - all sans partner.)
Now, please, don’t judge me by quality of this journal entry. Instead, judge me by the ferocity of my excrement and the strange places that I got my swerve on. (I want that on my headstone, by the way.) Those are the things that unite us. Not our blog entries.
wojr
Today, on this 232nd day in this “Age of Diddy,” I awoke to take a bowel movement of frightening proportions. (I have only myself to blame since I ate El Pollo Loco last night. Once you choose to eat at a place called The Crazy Chicken, you relinquish any rights to complain about stomach consequences.)
However, during said B.M., I realized something. Everyone on this planet has at one time or another excreted something from their ass that has given them pause. I am talking about everyone from Victoria Secret models to US Presidents to common crack addicts. They all have that one thing in common. They have all stopped in their tracks, stared at their own ass-spawn and wondered, “Where the hell did that shit came from?” Financial status, political power or international fame will not protect you from a fierce crap.
I can’t think of anything else exactly like that – that secret, undignified unifying x-factor.
The closest concept that I could come was the notion that everyone probably has had sex (with or without a partner) someplace they shouldn’t have. Just someplace wrong. Like the couch in the living room. At work. The commuter train from Philly to Boston. Woj’s bed.
(By the way, that was Dan, Dan, Dan & Dan - all sans partner.)
Now, please, don’t judge me by quality of this journal entry. Instead, judge me by the ferocity of my excrement and the strange places that I got my swerve on. (I want that on my headstone, by the way.) Those are the things that unite us. Not our blog entries.
wojr
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
A Censure Just Won’t Cut It In The Age of Diddy
When I was failing to update this journal – you know, that dark period before… last week – I was also failing to fulfill my self-appointed duties as the chronicler of the “Age of Diddy.”
For those that don’t know, on August 16, 2005, civilization as we knew it ceased to exist due to the actions of one cultural icon. The man legally known as Sean Combs announced that he had changed his nickname from "P. Diddy" to just "Diddy" – and ushered our world into the “Age of Diddy.”
Now, I’ll admit that I faltered. I had planned to track the success (or failure) of the Age of Diddy and provide reports at regular intervals. But I missed the first hundred day mark. Then, I missed the second. Now, here we are, firmly entrenched at Day #231 of Diddy’s Age. Since no news items caught my eye (I’ll hit on the NCAA Tournament later), I believe now is the perfect time to offer my opinion on this latest cultural age.
To put it succinctly, I think the current Diddy has to go.
He needs to be impeached, because a censure just won’t cut it.
Everything has just gone to pot and I blame the current Diddy.
Look at the state of the world today.
We’re teased by the prospect of new celebrity porn. Be it Kid Rock, Colin Farrell or the much rumored Britney Spears. Do we ever get it? NO! Before this Diddy, I got my celebrity porn when I wanted it. (I’ll admit it - Nite vision porn works for me.)
We now got Katie Holmes about to give birth to the spawn of Scientology. If this Diddy can’t save our little Joey, or let alone Chef/Shaft, from this epidemic, we need to choose another leader.
We have Joakim Noah winning a National Championship. I don’t blame Diddy for this, but it pisses me the hell off.
We find out that Fez from That 70s Show is sodomizing all our starlets with his eight inch foreign penis.
Dave Chappelle still hasn’t returned to Comedy Central, Larry the Cable Guy has a damn movie out (and a Pixar one coming soon) and now The Today Show is losing Katie Couric to CBS.
Worst of all, the Kevin Federline album is about to drop any day now.
What is going on with the world?
We need a new Diddy and I nominate..
I nominate Neerajimus Pai aka Raje. Not just because “R. Diddy” has a nice ring to it, but I think he can fix that Joakim Noah bullsh-t.
He wouldn’t have let that ass beat our beloved Wildcats.
Well, he would have stopped it, if he had the power of the Diddy. Plus, his legal expertise could free up that celebrity porn from its legal entanglements.
Or at least, keep Wilmer Valderrama & Tom Cruise away from our underage girls.
So, write your congressman and let’s get the ball rolling on this.
The TomKat baby is about to drop. And so is that Federline CD. Time is of the essence. The world needs you.
wojr
When I was failing to update this journal – you know, that dark period before… last week – I was also failing to fulfill my self-appointed duties as the chronicler of the “Age of Diddy.”
For those that don’t know, on August 16, 2005, civilization as we knew it ceased to exist due to the actions of one cultural icon. The man legally known as Sean Combs announced that he had changed his nickname from "P. Diddy" to just "Diddy" – and ushered our world into the “Age of Diddy.”
Now, I’ll admit that I faltered. I had planned to track the success (or failure) of the Age of Diddy and provide reports at regular intervals. But I missed the first hundred day mark. Then, I missed the second. Now, here we are, firmly entrenched at Day #231 of Diddy’s Age. Since no news items caught my eye (I’ll hit on the NCAA Tournament later), I believe now is the perfect time to offer my opinion on this latest cultural age.
To put it succinctly, I think the current Diddy has to go.
He needs to be impeached, because a censure just won’t cut it.
Everything has just gone to pot and I blame the current Diddy.
Look at the state of the world today.
We’re teased by the prospect of new celebrity porn. Be it Kid Rock, Colin Farrell or the much rumored Britney Spears. Do we ever get it? NO! Before this Diddy, I got my celebrity porn when I wanted it. (I’ll admit it - Nite vision porn works for me.)
We now got Katie Holmes about to give birth to the spawn of Scientology. If this Diddy can’t save our little Joey, or let alone Chef/Shaft, from this epidemic, we need to choose another leader.
We have Joakim Noah winning a National Championship. I don’t blame Diddy for this, but it pisses me the hell off.
We find out that Fez from That 70s Show is sodomizing all our starlets with his eight inch foreign penis.
Dave Chappelle still hasn’t returned to Comedy Central, Larry the Cable Guy has a damn movie out (and a Pixar one coming soon) and now The Today Show is losing Katie Couric to CBS.
Worst of all, the Kevin Federline album is about to drop any day now.
What is going on with the world?
We need a new Diddy and I nominate..
I nominate Neerajimus Pai aka Raje. Not just because “R. Diddy” has a nice ring to it, but I think he can fix that Joakim Noah bullsh-t.
He wouldn’t have let that ass beat our beloved Wildcats.
Well, he would have stopped it, if he had the power of the Diddy. Plus, his legal expertise could free up that celebrity porn from its legal entanglements.
Or at least, keep Wilmer Valderrama & Tom Cruise away from our underage girls.
So, write your congressman and let’s get the ball rolling on this.
The TomKat baby is about to drop. And so is that Federline CD. Time is of the essence. The world needs you.
wojr
Monday, April 03, 2006
If I Don't Get Booted, I Will Feel Like Less Of A Man
And this is not the perfect way to start my day. Found on physorg.com (via the fantastic warrenellis.com):
While I hate censorship on any level, especially the kind that revolves around the sucking of some corporate teat, I welcome the challenge. Let's see if I can get my ass thrown off.
In myspace's defense, it is their playground. You accept their terms and conditions in order to play in their sandbox. That's fine. If I get booted from blogging there, I still have the mack daddy here, wojr.com.
Wojr.com already is banned by several corporate IT departments - a point of pride for the worker drones here. Yeah, we're looking at you, Morgan Stanley!! (Then again, myspace.com is also blocked by Morgan Stanley. Go figure.)
My only wish is that they send out warning notices - sighting specifically what content they find risqué.
"In order to continue using MySpace, please refrain from alluding to the existence of 'nipple play' in the New Testament."
I'd frame that shit on my wall. Right next to the torn off cover of my mug on the Bible.
wojr
And this is not the perfect way to start my day. Found on physorg.com (via the fantastic warrenellis.com):
MySpace.com removed 200,000 "objectionable" profiles from its network to address fears of Internet security, the Financial Times reported.Which suits me just fine, because to quote the wunderkind Groucho Marx, "I would not join any club that would have someone like me for a member."
Acquired by Rupert Murdoch's News Corps last year, the site boasting some 65 million users and 250,000 news users each day, is hoping that this is one of many strategic steps in becoming more profitable to advertisers.
According to the FT, News Corp's strategy to attract more advertisers faces two challenges, keeping young users from switching to a new site and keeping advertisers confident that their reputations won't be tainted by "inappropriate content."
While I hate censorship on any level, especially the kind that revolves around the sucking of some corporate teat, I welcome the challenge. Let's see if I can get my ass thrown off.
In myspace's defense, it is their playground. You accept their terms and conditions in order to play in their sandbox. That's fine. If I get booted from blogging there, I still have the mack daddy here, wojr.com.
Wojr.com already is banned by several corporate IT departments - a point of pride for the worker drones here. Yeah, we're looking at you, Morgan Stanley!! (Then again, myspace.com is also blocked by Morgan Stanley. Go figure.)
My only wish is that they send out warning notices - sighting specifically what content they find risqué.
"In order to continue using MySpace, please refrain from alluding to the existence of 'nipple play' in the New Testament."
I'd frame that shit on my wall. Right next to the torn off cover of my mug on the Bible.
wojr
I Wonder If They'll Make Ones That Say "Jesus Loves Wojr"
This is the perfect way to start my day. Found on KCCI.com (via attu):
Wasn't the entire point of the New Testament to show how Jesus loved and accepted everybody? Even the prostitutes?
What word do you think the American Bible Society takes issue with the most? I think it's "loves", because that word opens up a world of possibilities with its vagueness. If they had clarified it and said "Jesus Loves Porn Stars, but respects them to such a degree that he would refrain from putting his penis inside them", I think that pill would be easier to swallow.
Or is it "Stars"? Do you think the American Bible Society just didn't want to exclude any starlets or up & coming amateurs from God's love?
It's definitely not "Porn", because as I said here:
I wonder if I could get a picture of me on the front cover - giving two big thumbs up.
Or maybe playing with my nipples.
Do you think the New Testament is against "nipple play"?
wojr
This is the perfect way to start my day. Found on KCCI.com (via attu):
The American Bible Society is refusing to print New Testaments with covers that say "Jesus Loves Porn Stars."This strikes me as being extremely comical.
California pastors Mike Foster and Craig Gross, whose anti-porn ministry is called www.xxxchurch.com, had ordered 10,000 of the customized Bibles to hand out at adult film conventions.
But the edgy cover led the publisher to cancel the paid order.
The American Bible Society said that while it appreciates the pastors' mission, the words "Jesus Loves Porn Stars" are "misleading and inappropriate for a New Testament."
Wasn't the entire point of the New Testament to show how Jesus loved and accepted everybody? Even the prostitutes?
What word do you think the American Bible Society takes issue with the most? I think it's "loves", because that word opens up a world of possibilities with its vagueness. If they had clarified it and said "Jesus Loves Porn Stars, but respects them to such a degree that he would refrain from putting his penis inside them", I think that pill would be easier to swallow.
Or is it "Stars"? Do you think the American Bible Society just didn't want to exclude any starlets or up & coming amateurs from God's love?
It's definitely not "Porn", because as I said here:
If Jesus was still alive, I think he'd be a fan of porn - just not the kind that degrade the ladies (except when the ladies like the masochism (and by "like" I mean REALLY LIKE and not just have a passing fancy for. I'm talking about a primal need for it here.)). But I'm probably just another sh-thead trying to put my words in the mouth of Jesus.But really, do you think they would have issues with "Jesus Loves Wojr" bibles? Because I bet there is a market for those puppies.
I wonder if I could get a picture of me on the front cover - giving two big thumbs up.
Or maybe playing with my nipples.
Do you think the New Testament is against "nipple play"?
wojr
