Don't Worry, You'll Still Get Your Crappy Candy - Jesus Is The Rabbit's Backup


HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYBODY!

wojr  ¶ 5:53 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  They Really Need to Add Alcohol to the Equation

Once again, the term 'academic' is stretched to its limits – like a lycra skirt on a big ol’ booty.

Found on foxnews.com (via fleshbot.com (NSFW)):

A team of British academics has developed a mathematical formula to determine just how perfect your posterior is.

What pray tell is this miracle formula?

And the Rosetta Stone of bootyliciousness is: (S+C) x (B+F) / (T-V).

First, a woman assesses her assets on a scale from 1 to 20 (1 being worst and 20 best) in the following categories:

* S = overall shape (a ripe peach being just about right)

* C = circularity (rounder is better)

* B = bounciness (less wobble is preferred)

* F = firmness (too much push to that cushion loses points)

* T = skin texture (no cellulite, please)

Then calculate this:

* V = the ratio of one's hips to waist. Finally, do the math.

I can’t wrap my head around the phrase "too much push to that cushion loses points". It just boggles my mind. Do you want more cushion for the pushing or don’t you? Damn you, you confusing British dorks.

Women have something similar to this. They divide your net worth by the number of orgasms you can provide on a weekly basis then multiply it by the inverse of your body hair percentage. However, if you use math to judge the bootyliciousness of their ass especially the "wobble" of it, you’ll never see them naked.

Unless they're drunk, then all bets are off.

wojr  ¶ 10:31 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  Good Thing It Wasn’t a Pirate (or Ninja Down! Repeat the Ninja Is Down!)

Found on redandblack.com (via Geekdrome.com):

ATF agents are always on alert for anything suspicious — including ninjas.

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm agents, on campus Tuesday for Project Safe Neighborhoods training, detained a “suspicious individual” near the Georgia Center, University Police Chief Jimmy Williamson said.

Jeremiah Ransom, a sophomore from Macon, was leaving a Wesley Foundation pirate vs. ninja event when he was detained.

After being held in investigative detention, he was found to have violated no criminal laws and was not arrested.

But look at the picture:

What the hell is up with the knee on the guys head? Did the stupid ATF official forget he was on a COLLEGE CAMPUS?

Hope the kid learned his lesson though. Astronaut vs. caveman parties are much cooler.

And no one messes with an astronaut.

wojr  ¶ 4:25 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Homemade Crack Like Momma Used to Make

Found on Page Six (via Defamer):

As "The West Wing" prepares to air its final episode next month, a former high-priced New York call girl has penned a salacious tell-all that includes her two years of allegedly kinky, crack-fueled dalliances with the show's creator, Aaron Sorkin.

I have no problem with whores, high-priced or otherwise. But this is what stood out to me:

"He liked touching silky stockings and lacy underwear," says Ekmektsis. But the frillery and pot-smoking, she says, escalated to crack cocaine: "He wanted to know what was in [his crack], so he made it himself."

Now, I’ve never tried crack. Whitney Houston taught me that "Crack is Wack." However, I do wonder what would be better - homemade crack or the kind you’d get on the street? (Almost said ghetto. Close one.)

Any crackheads want to weigh in on the debate? Mr. Bigguns?

Also, kudos to the peeps at Defamer for giving the world this comedy gem:

Sorkin's sexual predilections are far less interesting to us than the telling detail about making his own crack; it's precisely this dedication to craft, whether one's constructing rapid-fire backstage White House banter or cooking up the perfect rock, that separates an Emmy winner from a guy who's toiling in According to Jim staff writer obscurity.

I laugh, but I cry. I can only dream of writing for Jim Belushi.

wojr  ¶ 3:11 PM 1 comments links to this post   

  I Would Never Forgive You If You Faked My Death

Found this story on KCCI.com (via attu (NSFW):

Police in Iowa have arrested two people accused of filing a fake obituary for teenager Dan "D.J." Reddout with a newspaper to get off work for a few days.

Police said James Ralph Snyder, who is the boyfriend of Reddout's mother, and the boy's mother, Mary Jo Elizabeth Jensen, submitted a death notice to the Waterloo-Cedar Falls Courier newspaper, saying that Jensen's 17-year-old son had died at the Mayo Clinic after a lengthy illness.

Authorities were notified after the teen was spotted at a restaurant by some family friends.

Police said the pair did it so they could get off work for a few days.

Both Snyder and Jensen worked at Tyson Foods and started taking time off from work in December by claiming the boy was hospitalized with an illness, the paper reported.

As the scheme continued, Tyson officials were told the boy was on life support and had died, according to the paper.

And here is a link to the actual obit.

First off, is this really a crime? I could understand if they lied to a government agency or under some type of oath, but these criminal masterminds lied to a newspaper. If that’s a crime, Bush & Cheney should be cited every day.

The funny thing, though, is that KCCI.com is running a survey along with the story.

“Would you be able to forgive your parents if they faked your illness and death for personal gain?”

So, far “No, I would never forgive them” is the front runner.

If my dad faked my death for personal gain, I’d be proud of him. If he got some tail out of the deal, I’d be doubly so. (Ladies, Papa Woj is a handsome single man that owns his own house and speaks four languages. If interested, email me for a dating application.)

How could you never forgive your parents for just being stupid and lazy? As long as they feed you, clothe you and refrain from sticking things in your ass, they should get a free pass on the fake obit.

But I’m biased, I hate Tyson Foods.

wojr  ¶ 12:04 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Now, Kids Remember the Word of the Day: “Bahlaqeem”

On a busy day like today, I wish I could travel through time.

However, today I’ll just settle for a story like this, from MSNBC.com (via Jason’s Page):

Chiropractor claims to travel through time

A chiropractor who claims he can treat anyone by reaching back in time to when an injury occurred has attracted the attention of state regulators.

The Ohio State Chiropractic Board, in a notice of hearing, has accused James Burda of Athens of being "unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type."

Burda denied that he is mentally ill.

I can relate. I too can be the Grandiose Type. Plus, I always have to deny that I am mentally ill as well.

"My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went ahead and I told it to realign and my pain went away," Burda said Thursday.

Burda calls his treatment "Bahlaqeem."

"It is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence and contains the very special number of nine letters," Burda's Web site says.

Want to see this crazy website? Can’t you guess what the web address? Yep. bahlaqeem.com.

The Web site describes the treatment as "a long-distance healing service (not a product) to help increase the quality of your life that can be performed in the privacy of your home or other personal space. There is no need to come to my office."

I wish all my doctors had that last rule.

Now in Burda’s defense, he’s at least using his time traveling powers for good. Think about what would happen if turned to the dark side. And his site even says “Payment is expected only when you are satisfied.” I wish my Asian massage parlor had the same payment policy.

Just know that I too am sending you my own soothing vibrational influence. If you feel better, I expect a happy ending.

wojr  ¶ 4:22 PM 4 comments links to this post   

  Distraction Du Jour: A Softer World

I think I recommended this site once already, but I'm too lazy to go back and check. Anyhow, emily and joey (I don't actually know them, but I'm going for an air of familiarity) create A Softer World. Trying to offer a description really does the strip a disservice. Just go experience it.

Here's an example:

I believe they post a new edition every Friday, but I've been known to be wrong.

wojr  ¶ 1:55 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Any Excuse to Spout Some They Might Be Giant Lyrics

So, I woke up this morning to The Kevin and Bean Show on my clock radio. (For those outside Southern Cal, Kevin & Bean host a fairly innocuous radio show on KROQ (Pronounced Kay-ROOOOCCCCKKK).) Anyhow, I awoke to them discussing how to solve the immigrant issue. Their solution involved asking “What would President Polk do?”

For the history deficient readers, President James Knox Polk is famous for acquiring land. Annexation of Texas – Polk. The Oregon Treaty of 1846 – Polk. California, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, and parts of Colorado and Wyoming – Polk, Polk, Polk, Polk, Polk, Polk and Polk.

They Might Be Giants even wrote a song entitled “James K. Polk”:

In four short years he met his every goal
He seized the whole southwest from Mexico
Made sure the tariffs fell
And made the English sell the Oregon territory
He built an independent treasury
Having done all this he sought no second term
But precious few have mourned the passing of
Mister James K. Polk, our eleventh president
Young Hickory, Napoleon of the Stump

Thus, I sit here in somewhat sunny Santa Monica typing this scattershot segue, partially due to Papa Polk. (I like the alliteration.) Without him, I’d probably be typing it in Hoboken or, worse, Lanoka Harbor.

Back to the point, however, one of the radio hosts, possibly Bean, suggested that we, like Polk before us, just annex Mexico. Give Mexican President Vicente Fox some cushy cabinet post and just swallow Mexico up into the United States. Manifest Destiny.

That way, we get Cancun, Tijuana and Donkey Shows. Plus, we don’t need to be worried about that pesky border anymore.

I’ll admit that concept is rather limited in its thinking. Also, it insults the immigrants that aren’t actually from Mexico. El Salvador represent!

But no matter how tempting the idea of American Donkey Shows and fish tacos might be, I have to oppose the annexation of Mexico.

Not just because I believe that underage co-eds deserve a place to drink legally and have awkward, intoxicated intercourse. Which I do. It’s just that one day I know I’ll give up this whole writing charade and return to my first love, CRIME.

If you take away that Mexican border from me, there goes my Shawshank fantasy of running to Mexico with my illegal nest egg. I can just see it now. Me and Morgan Freeman sitting on a beach, drinking tequila, eating fish tacos and waiting for the next Donkey Show.

I wonder if They Might Be Giants ever tour in Mexico.

wojr  ¶ 12:21 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Immigrants Can't Vote, But Do They Read Blogs?

We've had a busy couple of days here at wojr.com. A couple of our rants & musings received some eclectic links. Lukeisback.com pointed towards an entry weighing in on elderly gang bangs. (We're proud of that one. Darn tooting) Also, a poster over on craigslist.org's "Rants and Raves" section pointed out how we've been having some fun with their personal ads.

If you, like myself, haven't checked out the Rants and Raves there, you'll find a lot of individuals just posting anonymous mini-tirades and remarks on a wide variety of subjects. I guess these people don't have stupid ass blogs like yours truly.

However, when I looked at their site, the majority of the one-sided conversations seemed to focus on the immigration issue. I can't be too surprised since our government and new media have also made the subject one of their focal points. (Plus, we have reports that there will be marches in nearly 70 US cities today). What does surprise me is how the feelings expressed by the posters at craigslist are filled with such vigor and personalization (and the occasional venom).

The immigrant issue, obviously, is one that people have developed strong personal feelings about. Many are divided on that issue. Personally, I admit, I have a “pie in the sky” approach to the problem. As I said on this blog before, I think anyone that legitimately wants to pursue the American Dream should be allowed to – in America. Since I am the son of an immigrant and the boyfriend of an immigrant, I do have a bias on the issue – but if you put a hard working day laborer born in Latin America next to an American welfare mother pregnant with child #5 and ask me who has more of a right to be an American citizen. You can guess my answer.

America is a nation of immigrants. Hell, even the Native Americans may have come across the Bering Strait. Its economic strength and success has been built on the backs of our newest neighbors, both the legal and illegal variety.

Whatever difficulties our nation is facing today, immigrants, like gay marriage before it, are not a cause of them, but rather a distraction from actually solving them.

I’d rather be reading about legislation working to combat the outsourcing of American jobs. I’d be more interested in a health care initiative that allowed small businesses to offer their employees quality medical benefits and not resort to illegal immigrant workers to just make ends meet. I would want our government officials to offer solutions to our country’s problems, both foreign and domestic, rather than talking points set up to divide the Democrat base. (And don’t get me started on the “cost-plus” contracts our government hands out left and right. I could be here all day on that one.)

Plus, I would want to examine what is wrong with our immigration process that some many people need to circumvent the legal avenues of immigration. Are our economic requirements too unrealistic for these prospective citizens? If they are coming to America to work for slave wages in search of a better life, can we really expect them to have thousands of dollars in the bank as proof of financial support? Look at the thousands of young women who are sold into prostitution in order to come to America. How can a change in our naturalization system help them? Because if you're willing to chug penis to get into this country, there should be an express lane of sorts for that.

Like all large groups of people, one can find the good eggs and the bad seeds. You can point out the bad elements in every race, culture, ethnicity or social class. Most of the hatred I read on craigslist was directed at those immigrants that paint their ilk in a bad light. That’s like saying I’m not funny because I write a “holier than thou” rant like this one every so often. That’s a lie. I’m not funny, because I have no sense of humor. But I try.

I just hope our country can let these people try to be solid American citizens. If they mess up, we can always reserve the right to kick them out. Then, I can go back to discussing elderly group sex.

wojr  ¶ 2:05 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  I Wonder If It Can Cure Mad-Cow Disease Too

Monday morning and I have a lot of things that I want to write about, but this headline was screaming out to me:

Sick cow healed with beer

Do I need to add anything else to that?

More to come.

wojr  ¶ 9:06 AM 0 comments links to this post