"In 1972, A Crack Commando Unit Was Sent to Prison..."



"This is bad, Hannibal - real bad! Some guys are coming around and busting heads saying they're the A-Team! There's only *one* A-Team! Us!"

I'm still looking for the Los Angeles Underground, but it's kinda hard to find.

HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYBODY!

wojr  ¶ 5:13 PM 1 comments links to this post   

  My Personal Sense of Pride Needs To Take A Shower

So, wojr.com was flooded with traffic today.

Normally, I fight tooth and nail for every visitor, but today, the boys were home from war and mine was the only whorehouse in sight.

It took some thought until I reread this snippet off of lukeisback.net:

Rob Spallone has booked 19-year old Crystal Clear to do the world's oldest gangbang with a bunch of men over 60. She's booked to appear on the Howard Stern show April 21 at 7am.

Today was the 21st.

Do a google search and you’ll find that this site is the number 6 site for “oldest gangbang”.

Thus, I’m slightly proud. And a little dirty.

I’m also upset that Charlie Murphy got booted off the top of the list of search terms. (By the way, if you are on myspace – go be Charlie Murphy’s friend: myspace.com/darknesscharliemurphy - The man is hysterical.)

But I digress..

I was slightly curious to what was said on the Stern Show, so I looked at HowardStern.com and found this synopsis:

Porn star, Crystal Clear, came into the studio to talk about the next movie she’ll be doing where she’ll have sex with 50 men over 60 years old. Crystal reported she’s had sex with 200 men in her life and has made about 45 pornos since she started in the industry when she turned 19, less than a year ago. Crystal went on to say she spent seven years in facilities for troubled kids when she was younger and she used to hang a sign-up sheet on her door for any of the women in the building who wanted to have sex with her. Crystal also revealed she was adopted and at 9 years old she started having lesbian sex with her non-biological cousin.

It doesn’t stop there:

After Gary noted Crystal performs “water sports” and “blowbangs” – which she said involve having oral sex with a number of men at once – she claimed she participates in such acts because she wants to make a name for herself in the industry. Crystal then commented she’s in love with her boyfriend, a man Gary noted was “41 and black.” Howard responded it sounded to him like Crystal was looking for a father figure in her life, a remark she acknowledged she’d heard before.

Once again, Fathers of America, it is your responsibility to keep your daughters off the pole. To paraphrase Smokey the Bear – “Only you can prevent crack whores.” (T-shirt will be coming soon.)

So now, in closing, please remember these five facts:

wojr.com is your sixth best destination for geriatric group sex.

I still wish my name was Rob Spallone.

Biological or not, cousins are off limits. (I’m talking to you, Rory.)

You can try with all your might, but the word “blowbang” is now forever lodged in your memory.

If your work hasn't already banned my site from viewing, they soon will.

Good night and good luck, America.

wojr  ¶ 3:54 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Somehow, I Think Kanye West Is To Blame For This

Found on cnn.com:

More than 2,000 Mississippi residents were notified that they must repay millions of dollars in federal Hurricane Katrina benefits that were excessive or, in some cases, fraudulent.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency is seeking a total of $4.7 million from 2,044 people, giving them 30 days to repay or set up a payment plan.

Some storm victims got duplicate or extra benefits because of FEMA errors, agency spokesman Eugene Brezany said, and others might have received benefits for expenses that later were reimbursed by insurance settlements.

Some others benefited "by intentional misrepresentation" or the mistaken belief that secondary residences qualified for payments, he said.

That’s just cruel. There has to be better ways for George Bush to show he cares about black people.

Especially since I know for a fact that it’s too late to return those High Definition Flat Screens back to Best Buy.

If you’re smart, loyal readers, you will all start trolling eBay looking to buy electronics off these poor Mississippians at some close out prices. (Yes, I said it – “MISSISSIPPIANS!”)

I mean, how else are you going to get that money you donated to Katrina Relief back?

By the way, if you any of you gets a FEMA request for repayment, drop me an email. wojr.com is looking for a cause for its first fundraising effort. Who knows, it could be you.

wojr  ¶ 1:30 PM 1 comments links to this post   

  Pondering Pornographic Product Placement Possibilities

Read an article on newsarama.com about the proliferation of product placement in comic books:

The move is the most recent inroad for product placement lately, as the method for stealth advertising has most recently been seen in videogames, and has been ubiquitous in film and on television for years. The “placement” part of the moniker is slightly misleading as the “placement” is sold, not freely given. That is, the appearance of a Nike swoosh or a Pontiac Solstice in front of the eyes of thousands of comic book readers doesn’t come without a price being charged by the publisher as part of its advertising for the comic.

Given the limited profit margins provided to the comics, I actually think that is a wise move. Of course, some of the Newsarama posters disagreed:

FAT SPIDEY wrote: “First my video games now my comics, you want my first born too coporate [sic] America. (Angry emoticon) (Smiling emoticon)”

URTHWORM wrote: “Jesus. This is bad enough in movies, I can't even begin to express how distateful [sic] I find it.”

Proper spelling is not a requirement for posting at newsarama.

Seeing as how the paid placement of products (I do love alliteration) seems to be spreading across various mediums (or media??), it got me to thinking about smut.

True, most things get me thinking about smut.

But in an industry that complains about small profit margins, why isn’t there a drive for product placement in the porno biz?

When the pizza guy drops off some pies at the starving co-ed’s apartment, he could be wearing a Pizza Hut uniform. (Not Domino’s – those guys are prudes.)

When the office party gets rowdy, the interns can do it on a Canon copier.

Then, there is the matter of out-right sponsorship. Victoria’s Secret or Hooters can sponsor a line of movies. I can’t imagine any negative backlash would be too severe.

For an industry that constantly leads the curve on technological advances and sales methods, why are they behind the ball on this? Really, are the phone sex companies the only advertisers they can find?

And I know - only I could go from an article on comic books to a rumination on which photocopier should be used for the sequel to Slut Puppies.

It’s a gift.

wojr  ¶ 4:45 PM 1 comments links to this post   

  Distraction Du Jour: Overheard in New York

I don't hide it. I miss the attitude of the East Coast. I wish people here in Los Angeles would just drop the f-bomb more often. So, when I need a dose of attitude, I head over to Overheard in New York.

The site is exactly what it claims to be - a listing of snippets overheard in the Big Apple. Some of their gems include the following:

Chunky Chips Ahoy!
Teen boy #1: Fuck, these fucking Fig Newtons taste like shit. And what the fuck is a fig, anyway?
Teen boy #2: I don't know, but whatever the fuck it is, it looks like you're eating a shit cookie.

Tell That to Oklahoma City
Ghetto guy #1: Yo, you think that bitch is gonna blow up the train?
Ghetto guy #2: Nah, negro, she's white.

So Very Many Roommates...
Hobo: Got a cigarette you can spare?...Give me a cigarette!
Girl #1: Hey, fuck you.
Hobo: Yeah, fuck you too!
Girl #2: At least we have a home!
Hobo: Yeah, I got a home too. In your mother's cunt, bitch!

I got to tell you - even our crazy LA homeless folks are too civil.

wojr  ¶ 11:15 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  The Madness of March, The Sweetness of April

Remember those dark days when I wasn't posting regularly to this blog. You know, that scary time that ended four weeks ago.

I won’t offer up a complete explanation of why I wasn’t posting – because I don’t really want to get too close to you people. (Some of you scare me.)

But, in summary, I was distracted. I will expound on one of the main distractions: College Basketball.

A little wojr back story: Like most children of divorce, my weekends were made up of my father, Papa Wojr, and I, doing father/son activities that would hopefully offset the large amounts of estrogen that I was exposed to during the work week. In order to accomplish this, my weekends were filled with sporting events and movies, especially James Bond films. I’ve already covered how my love of film is largely due to my Dad, but I don’t think I covered sports.

I’m not a sports fanatic, especially not on the level of my father or Broncatello. I know more than Reeves but that’s not saying much. My dad loves baseball, soccer and college basketball. While I have a great fondness for the Cosmos’ games of my youth, college basketball was the one that stuck with me. It probably was a factor for me going to Villanova.

However, since moving to California, I wasn’t following the sport as closely as once did. With the time difference and some lack of coverage, it was hard to watch the teams I liked out west (I hate the PAC 10 – don’t know why). I considered getting the satellite packages, but I’m a cheap bastard.

Last year, I started watching again with some interest. Villanova was having a solid year and made it to the Sweet 16. I got hooked again.

Thus, this year, I was a junkie. Not only was my Alma Mater one of the best teams in the country, they were the most fun to watch as well. The four guard offense was just incendiary. But it didn’t stop with Nova. I watched every game I could. Especially in the Big East, Big Ten, Big 12, ACC and SEC. Villanova was always no. 1, but I found myself rooting for West Virginia, Kansas (even though they lost me money), Oklahoma, and Ryan’s Alma Mater, South Carolina.

When I thought Villanova’s Allan Ray had his eye gouged out, I didn’t turn on the TV or looked at the Internet until the Selection Sunday presentation - two days later. It hit me that hard. But he was lucky and Villanova earned a #1 seed in the tournament.

The first four rounds of the NCAA Tournament were some of the most exciting basketball I witnessed. Villanova, who unfortunately didn’t play to their true potential in the tournament, lost in the Elite Eight to Florida, who eventually went on to win the whole thing (just like North Carolina last year). The Final Four, however, sucked donkeys (and not just because I hate Joakim Noah). Those three games were just boring, life-draining basketball. Plus, I was rooting for George Mason by that point.

Besides that final weekend of wretchedness, I must say this year was a joy for a college basketball fan. I won’t be able to see Randy Foye, Jason Fraser or, my personal fave, Allan Ray suit up as Wildcats next year but I do have one consolation prize.

My lovely boss attended the Wooden Award press conference this year and knowing my love for the sport & Villanova –

Well, she got me a basketball signed by the five male finalists, three of the female finalists and two coaches – including Villanova coach, Jay Wright. (Click to enlarge pics.)

Jay Wright
Villanova's Randy Foye
Syracuse Coach, Jim Boeheim (who kinda looks like Papa Wojr)
Duke's J.J. Redick (Winner of the Wooden Award)
Duke's Shelden Williams
Washington's Brandon Roy

Adam Morrison as well as three of the female nominees signed the ball also, but honestly I can't tell whose signature is who.

If you really need an Adam Morrison fix, go here. (Actually if you want a good laugh, go there as well.)

So, yes, my boss is cool. So is Papa Wojr. And so is Jay Wright.

And no, this won't be up for auction on eBay.

wojr  ¶ 11:16 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  I Apologize But I Love Me Those Hooter-Filled Headlines

From thesmokinggun.com (via every single blog I read today) comes the story of Jarman Gray:

In a federal lawsuit, Jarman Gray, a former assistant manager of an Alabama Hooters, charges that he was fired last year after complaining about comments made to employees by a female "visiting training manager." In his April 7 U.S. District Court complaint, a copy of which you'll find below, the 31-year-old Gray claims that a trainer named Cat told waitresses that they were "the ones with the pussys and you are in control because of that." Then she reportedly added, "If you need the extra money, go ahead and suck a dick or fuck a customer if the money is right."

Honestly, I read this story at so many different internet spots today that I wasn’t going to comment on it. I understand the attraction – who doesn’t want the word Hooter in their headline? I love it. It just cries out Americana to me.

But then, I see people commenting on this news item and missing out on some great jokes. No one making comparison to Velvet Jones’ “The Velvet Jones School of Technology.” No one asking who names their kid “Jarman.” (Which, by the way, means “German” in Olde English. Damn Nazi, trying to oppress these fine young women – Keeping them from earning some extra dollars.) No one even making a good Alabama joke. No one even asking “Hey, how can I get to be ‘Training’ Manager for Hooters?”

Personally, I don’t see what the problem is. I’ve had many corporate trainers tell me that I should be chugging schlongs for extra money. (I have pretty lips.) You don’t see me complaining to management. I take it as a compliment. Hey, my ass is nice enough to rent. Move on.

Hasn’t Hooters learned to screen out the litigious employees by now? How many lawsuits does it take?

Also at thesmokinggun.com, they arrested the Easter Bunny.

wojr  ¶ 3:38 PM 1 comments links to this post   

  Further Proof That Women Will Eventually Rule The World

While some headstrong women believe that the female gender already do rule the world, I’ll clarify my headline with this: I am not referring to a reality where women allow men to believe they are the rulers of the world, while the fairer sex knows who truly wields the power. I am talking about a Planet of the Apes type environment where men are a slave race keep in cages, freed only for manual labor and sexual gratification. (Remember that episode of Buck Rogers where Gil Gerard was auctioned off as a piece of man-meat? Good times.)

Found on marieclaire.co.uk (via attu):

The men who have sex with dolls

She's 'perfect' and agrees to whatever her man desires. The only thing is, she's plastic. We expose the disturbing phenomenon of men who reject real women in favour of silicone.

Sidore is as real to me as a human woman,' explains Davecat, 28, a lab technician from Detroit in the US, as he gazes lovingly at the slim, raven-haired creature beside him. 'I imagine most people think anyone who loves dolls is a pervert, but I feel normal,' he says. 'And with my silicone girlfriend, I'm part of a couple who are infinitely healthier and happier than most couples.'

I'll admit I’m fascinated by guys that buy real dolls. Back in August, I linked to a photographer’s portfolio of men and their Real Dolls. (The portfolio is no longer at the same link, but here is a sample pic:

If anyone can find the actual portfolio on the Internet again, please email me the link.) The thought of the mental status of a Real Doll owner just interests me. Are these guys that just watched Mannequin too many times?

Doll lovers claim their unhealthy pursuit is not just about carnal pleasure. For Malcolm, a 48-year-old British IT specialist, his plastic companion is a silent soulmate – someone to love, trust and share his life with, knowing she'll never desert him. A grey-haired recluse living in south-west England, Malcolm has not had a successful relationship with a woman. 'I've never had any success with relationships, and it's badly affected my quality of life,' he admits. 'When I've tried to joke with a woman on a date, I've felt like people nearby are looking at me, embarrassed on my behalf.'

Personally, I think these fellows would make for a great film.

Strangely enough, this story ties into a conversation I had the other day about the smut shopping of the two genders. A female friend of mine, that has openly admitted a fondness for porn, pointed out (Mostly as a proposed topic for this blog – it can happen – so feel free to suggest some discussion topics) how she got more looks of curiosity when she bought/rented pornography than when she bought sex toys. (Thankfully, renting sex toys is not an option.) She then hypothesized that the inverse was probably true for men.

Being a smut-related topic, I immediately had a viewpoint. I put forth that since women achieve orgasms in many fashions (clitoral, vaginal or anal) that manual manipulation of the erogenous area(s) may not be enough. Sexual aids or devices are most likely required.

(Tip for Malcom & the other Real Doll owners: When talking to a woman, and when appropriate, reinforce that you are aware that such a thing as the female orgasm exists, that you understand there are many ways to achieve one and that you are willing to pursue any means necessary to provide her one. Upon learning such information, said woman will be more inclined to tolerate the "people nearby looking at you, embarrassed on your behalf.")

On the other hand (pun intended), if a man can’t get off with his hand and a good porno, well, he’s a pervert. Plus, whenever a man purchases/owns a dildo/vibrator, people will automatically assume he is sticking it up his own ass. (But if you do own one and live with roommates, I highly recommend hiding it under their pillows or in the fridge. Good times.)

I completely forgot how I was going to tie this all to the theme of 'Women Ruling the Planet' but it was good - I promise you. Plus, I think we can all admit that purchasing silicone slam pigs is no way for men to establish themselves as the dominant sex on this or any planet.

wojr  ¶ 11:51 AM 1 comments links to this post   

  Christ (and Many Bothans) Died to Bring You This



Happy Easter!

wojr  ¶ 10:19 AM 0 comments links to this post