What Could Be Scarier on Friday the 13th?

From the wojr.com vaults:


Taken on the same day as this event.

HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYBODY (except the people afraid of knees)!

wojr

Labels: 5PMSendoff

  ¶ 5:08 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  wojr Is Only Afraid of Renaissance Fairs and Hillbilly Rapists

Happy Friday the 13th, Everyone!

Like most people that work the traditional five day work week, I am quite fond of Fridays. I equate that day with happy hours, the freedom of the pending weekend and drinking at lunch (Shout out to Kuffel!). But I especially love Fridays that just happen to fall on the thirteenth day of the month. Let me tell you why--

For those not “in the know” – found on wikipedia.org:

A Friday occurring on the 13th day of any month is considered to be a day of bad luck in English and Portuguese-speaking cultures around the globe. Similar superstitions exist in some other traditions. In Greece and Spain, for example, Tuesday the 13th takes the same role. The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia, a specialized form of triskaidekaphobia, a phobia (fear) of the number thirteen.

First off, I adore the sheer ludicrousness of the event. Like most superstitions, no one really is sure how it started. For our younger readers, the fear of the day predates the movie and televisions series. Some conjecture that it has something to do with the arrest of hundreds of Knights Templar on October 13, 1307. If that was so, why not just remember October 13th as the unlucky day, similar to March 15th. Why make it a floating holiday like Christ’s Death? Also, how is it that the English and Portuguese share the consideration? We also have Fat Tuesday in common. Do we need the bad luck day to offset the wonder that is Carnivale/Mardi Gras?

Secondly, I love the word triskaidekaphobia. True, it’s no schadenfreude, but it just rolls off the tongue. Plus, it’s a phobia and phobias are just good solid fun. Don’t like someone but not enough to wish them death, disease or dismemberment? Wish them a phobia. Other people’s irrational fears are fun.

Now, don’t curse them with something serious like Agoraphobia or Sitiophobia (the fear of food or eating). wojr.com recommends hexing the following phobias on one’s enemies:

Coulrophobia – the fear of clowns

Parthenophobia – the fear of virgins or young girls

Phronemophobia – the fear of thinking (very common among Americans)

Medomalacuphobia – the fear of losing one’s erection (sometimes caused by thinking)

Isopterophobia – the fear of insects that eat wood (not to be confused with Medomalacuphobia. Huh-huh, he said ‘wood’.)

Bromidrosiphobia – the fear of giving forth a bad odor from one’s body

Nucleomituphobia – the fear of nuclear weapons (I used to have this one.)

Coitophobia – the fear of sexual intercourse

Pentheraphobia – the fear of mother-in-laws

Genuphobia – the fear of knees (Really? Knees?)

Spermophobia – the fear of semen (Bronc suffers from this one. He thinks his sperm are plotting against him with their superpowers.)

Cherophobia – the fear of Cher – kidding, actually it’s close. It is the fear of gaiety (Bronc suffers from that one, too. Unless the gaiety comes with superpowers. He’d definitely go gay for some superpowers.)

I was surprised that I couldn’t find a listing for a fear of feet. I’ve been accused of having such a fear, but I think it’s more of an aversion or whatever the antonym for fetish would be. I’m also averse to testicles, but I’m not scared of them. Just of waking up with some strange ones resting on my chin or forehead. (See Roman War Helmet.)

Anyhow, that’s a post for another day.

But today, enjoy your Friday the 13th. If you are looking for some method to display your love of the day in some nonverbal or novel way, I recommend the following shirt:

You can purchase said shirt here.

Good day and good luck. Or bad luck if that’s your thing.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 11:35 AM 1 comments links to this post   

  GOP Soon To Resort to Chewbacca Defense

Normally, I try to leave discussions involving the political realm to Neerajimus Pai, but he went and stole my lightning-singed anus story. So, what’s a fella to do?

Found on news.aol.com:

Lawmaker Says 'Hastert Didn't Kill Anybody' in Foley Case

HARTFORD, Connecticut (Oct. 12) - Republican Rep. Christopher Shays defended the House speaker's handling of a congressional page scandal, saying no one died like during the 1969 Chappaquiddick incident involving Democratic Sen. Ted Kennedy.

"I know the speaker didn't go over a bridge and leave a young person in the water, and then have a press conference the next day," the embattled Connecticut congressman told The Hartford Courant in remarks published Wednesday.

"Dennis Hastert didn't kill anybody," he added.

I find myself hard pressed to refute such an argument. Using Shays’ rationale, Mark Foley shouldn’t be chastised since all he did was send some Instant Messages. Come on, no one died. Dammit, no one even got their anus scorched. No harm, no foul.

Next up has to be the Chewbacca Defense:

Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, the Democrats would certainly want you to believe that the Speaker of the House wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!

It doesn’t take a political strategist, which I am definitely not, to realize Shays was out to remind the populace of Ted Kennedy’s glorious past given that Kennedy has being campaigning for Shays’ Democratic opponent, Diane Farrell.

Shays wanted the press. He tried to burn his name in the frontal lobe of a few voters. He also wanted to remind the voters that Republicans are not the only ones prone to political scandal.

And scandal is the best way to get press. Arguing policy and agendas can not generate one percent of the media attention of a good 'cigar in a cooter' story.

It depresses me. Not as much as another Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton headline, but it still feels like a swift quick to the crotch. So, I’ll try to leave those stories to the Indian.

Oh and Raj, when you comment on a story about a lady that shot lighting from her pooper, the important remaining question is not “what happens if she was wearing rubber pants?” It’s “how’s her cooter doing?”

Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Cooter facsimile, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending Republicans, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca!

Does that make sense?

wojr

Labels: Chewbacca, News, Political

  ¶ 4:06 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Bronc Will Not Scare Me Into Editing This Post

Found on angolapress.com (via attu):

Nairobi, 10/10 - A Kenyan court Monday sentenced a couple to 18 months in prison each for having sexual relations inside a Mosque at Gilgil, about 100-km northwest of Nairobi.

Naivasha Senior Magistrate John Kingori called the act by Peter Kimani and Jennifer Wairimu, "abominable" to religion and dismissed their plea for leniency.

The couple, caught in the act 3 October, claimed they were under the influence of alcohol.

Kimani said he thought he was inside a hotel room while Wanjiru claimed she was too drunk to remember what happened.

There but for the grace of Allah go I. Given my history of alcohol consumption and drunken sluttiness, that could easily have been me.

Except for the whole Nairobi part.

Eighteen months does sound very severe but the Indecent Exposure and Public Lewdness Statutes for some states are much worse. And by states I mean the ones in the United States.

Of America.

The maximum sentence for such an offense in Maryland, South Carolina and Louisiana is THREE YEARS. Hell, I’ve been drunk and exposed in Louisiana.

I wanted some beads.

Now, those three year sentences coupled with monetary fines represent the maximum, but I can not imagine those same states would look too fondly on the concepts of a religious structure and the act of fornication. I bet the mere notion of a blowjob in a sacristy would result in a lynching or, better yet, a shotgun wedding in those states.

So, I think Jennifer and Peter got off pretty light. But I wonder...

I wonder if they’ll be able to share a cell.

I wonder if that was their first date.

I wonder if Jennifer and Peter are common African names.

I wonder if Peter at least got to "finish".

I wonder who I was referring to when I used “a blowjob in a sacristy” as a hypothetical.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Intoxication, News, Religion, Sex

  ¶ 4:24 PM 5 comments links to this post   

    ¶ 2:49 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Ronald McDonald to Be Named Diddy’s Bitch

On this special day, the 420th day in the Age of Diddy, the splendiferous one himself has news.

Found on yahoo.com:

MIAMI - Diddy will soon be adding some sizzle to Burger King's marketing efforts. Hip hop mogul Sean "Diddy" Combs has agreed to join Burger King Corp.'s promotional efforts as the world's No. 2 hamburger chain reaches out into the entertainment, fashion and music world, the Miami-based company said in a statement Tuesday.

Known in the past as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy, the artist known as Diddy is set to appear in an upcoming Burger King advertisement campaign. Financial terms were not disclosed.

"Sean 'Diddy' Combs is a pop culture icon, and we're thrilled to be able to collaborate, using the breadth of his talents as an artist, entrepreneur and change agent to impact and inspire our guests," said Russ Klein, president of global marketing, strategy and innovation at Burger King.

…

“I'm having it my way on this album, and it's been a great journey for me, so I'm grateful for partners like Burger King Corporation that are helping me bring a fresh sound to my fans," Diddy said. "They share my passion for being tastemakers and giving the people what they want."

So many comments in my head – must get them out as quickly as possible.

How does Burger King plan to reach out into the fashion world? Will Sean John be offering a new line for the Whopper sized consumers? Will those cardboard king hats become haute couture?

“Known in the past as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy”? Despite his self-proclaimed name change, isn’t Diddy known in the present as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy as well? If I say “Puff Daddy” or “Puffy”, will people just not know who I’m talking about?

How is the Burger King Corporation helping Diddy bring a fresh sound to his fans? Are they in the studio with him? Telling the glorious one which songs to steal – er.. sample?

“Diddy will soon be adding some sizzle.” Oh yeah, a white person wrote that line and was damn proud to do so. In addition, if it’s flame broiled is there sizzle? Probably there is, I’m just equating sizzle with frying.

Diddy admits that he has a passion for giving people what they want, further showing his Christ-like qualities. Cross over children. All are welcome. All welcome. Go into the Diddy. There is peace and serenity in the Diddy. Carol Anne - listen to me. Do NOT go into the Diddy. Stop where you are. Turn away from it. Don't even look at it. Ahh.. Sorry, I let that one get away from me. Don't know what came over me.

Are there any official agencies that monitor who can be called change agents or tastemakers? I’m not saying that Diddy can’t lay claim to such titles. Hell, Diddy can start calling himself Baron, Lord or Messiah and I’m down with that. But what about the wannabes? What’s stopping me from saying that I’m a tastemaker (no matter how much Pineapple juice I drink)? Plus, is Burger King really a tastemaker? I mean, they didn’t invent the hamburger. They just hopped on the fast food bandwagon. It’s not like I follow their lead in making any purchasing choices. Burger King is just a house of lies.

“The World’s No.2 Hamburger Chain”? To quote the late pop culture icon and tastemaker, Rodney Dangerfield, “Always look out for No.1, just don’t step in No.2.”

And so, the Age of Diddy continues…

wojr

Labels: Diddy, News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 1:09 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Further Proof that Lawyers Are Akin to Vampires

I really wasn’t feeling well this weekend. Not really sick, just a general malaise. Thus, my ass was firmly planted on my couch as I caught up with my Tivo and DVDs (both purchased and Netflixed).

During the massive media digestion, my normal disgust with legal warnings reached near epic proportions. Let me walk you through it.

First up, the FBI and/or Interpol warnings. They’ve been on every DVD or VHS I’ve ever watched. I think that’s true for everyone else in this country. Obviously, it’s doing a bang-up job combating video piracy. That was sarcasm. In terms of crime deterrence, that warning isn’t even a speed bump. It’s so worthless that some companies have added commercials dissuading acts of piracy. Why these ads look like they were shot in 1986 with a budget of twenty dollars is beyond me. Just like understanding why the ads lack the presence of any minorities. Are only white folk pirates?



The anti-crime legal warning is then followed, when applicable, by the company’s disclaimer that the views expressed on any commentaries are not the views of the parent company, their subsidiaries, any affiliates, the Tijuana whore that gave their marketing department the Clap or even Whistler’s mother. Good thing that’s there given the recent rash of commentary-based lawsuits. I mean, if Shannon Doherty hasn’t sued anyone based on crappy things said about her in commentaries, I think we’re safe.

The most sadistic part of this process is the film companies’ unwillingness to allow the consumer to fast forward through these parts. No, you need to wait long enough for even the most inbred of hillbillies to be able to read these legal statements. Actually, let me that back. I don’t want to get sued by an inbred individual for inferring that they read slower than those of us spawned by people lacking close genetic ties. I’m sure they read just fine despite any genetic deformities. Just like I’m sure only white people steal.

But I digress...

The entertainment industry has a long history of litigation, so the input of their legal counsel probably holds great weight – definitely more than some cranky white guy that spent most of his weekend on his couch. Given that track record of litigious behavior, the following news item seemed apropos to include here.

Found on cnn.com:

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Internet search leader Google is snapping up YouTube for $1.65 billion, brushing aside copyright concerns to seize a starring role in the online video revolution.

The all-stock deal announced Monday unites one of the Internet's marquee companies with one of its rapidly rising stars. It came just a few hours after YouTube unveiled three separate agreements with media companies to counter the threat of copyright-infringement lawsuits.

The price makes YouTube Inc., a still-unprofitable startup, by far the most expensive purchase made by Google during its eight-year history. Last year, Google spent $130.5 million buying a total of 15 small companies.

Although some cynics have questioned YouTube's staying power, Google is betting that the popular video-sharing site will provide it an increasingly lucrative marketing hub as more viewers and advertisers migrate from television to the Internet.

I recall reading an article in Wired from earlier this year describing youtube founders, Steven Chen and Chad Hurley, making the rounds at some tech brouhaha. They were refusing to discuss any offers for their company under a billion dollars. Look at what one plug from Dane Cook can do for your asking price.

Now, youtube has been under legal fire for copyright infringement and as Warren Ellis hypothesizes on his site:

[N]ow it’s been valued at 1.65 BILLION dollars. If you don’t think everyone and their wife is now going to start suing Google for illegally broadcasting copyrighted material, you’re insane. You’re also insane if you think the companies who weren’t somehow placated by YouTube into not destroying them a few months ago didn’t already have suits prepared and in the drawer waiting for the exact second this was announced.

At which point they get Napstered: just papered into oblivion by legal action.

1.65 billion American dollars, for some perspective, buys around forty tons of cocaine. Which may, in the long run, prove to be a better investment.

I like youtube. They don’t make me watch legal disclaimers before their videos. If they did, I bet they would let me fast forward through them with relative ease. No need to press stop-stop-menu to get where I need to go. Plus, they have Dave Chappelle singing the theme song from Different Strokes.



Enjoy it while it lasts – before the vampire lawyers swoop down and suck the life of it. Faster than a Tijuana whore can snort up 40 tons of cocaine.

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Snide Remarks, Youtube

  ¶ 12:10 PM 0 comments links to this post