Journey into Morbidity: The Dead Pool – Candidate Porno

As announced weeks ago, there is a contest in progress here at wojr.com, the Inaugural wojr.com Halloween Dead Pool.

By predicting which famous people are going to die in the next year, one could win prizes valued in, no lie, the excess of twenty dollars. That’s a TWO followed by a ZERO, people.

There have been a few issues of debate, however, and we will try to clear them up today before the entry deadline.

Issue Number One:

What is considered ‘dead’? What if someone pulls an Amelia Earhart or a Natalee Holloway and just disappears? What if someone we THINK is alive turns out to be an utter fallacy (i.e. Suri Cruise)?

The answer to all three is Habeas Corpus – “You [should] have the body.” Without a body, you don’t get points. Suri Cruise turns out to be a Photoshop creation. You get nada. Frankie Muniz decides to pull a “Kung Fu” and just walk the earth. You won’t reap any points.

Issue Number Two:

Can one pick both Nick Nolte and Gary Busey?

According to the following article found on thewiredpress.com:

Scientific study concludes that Gary Busey is not Nick Nolte

Tests run by UCLA scientists on the DNA of Gary Busey and Nick Nolte have discovered once and for all that the two actors are indeed separate entities.

Although the two actors have never appeared together on film, have played the same characters for many years on end and seem to share the same knack for alcohol and drug abuse, with GHB as their drug of choice, the study was concluded with results that they are not the same person as once believed.

Yes, you can pick both Nick Nolte and Gary Busey.

You can not pick both Herb Tarlek and Les Nessman, however. Only the actors that portrayed them, Frank Bonner and Richard Sanders.

Issue Number Three:

Are porn stars allowed?

This query was the one that resulted in the most debates here at wojr.com headquarters. If we allowed Paris Hilton and Tonya Harding in, then why not other porn starlets?

But, what should be the measure post for actual celebrity in relation to pornography? Having sex on camera alone should not automatically garner one fame, no matter how good one is at it.

One suggestion was the Bukkake test, but that was shot down when it was discovered that most of the bigger named actresses had avoided this Japanese ritual. Plus, there was some debate on how many men would need to participate in the act for it to be considered Bukkake. And it also excluded Ron Jeremy.

Then, there was the B.R.O.N.C. method which involved whether or not a certain large Italian fellow had gratified himself to said starlet. This proved too complicated to be calculated and also opened some doors that should just be left closed. The B.R.O.N.C. method did NOT however exclude Ron Jeremy.

Thus, we arrived at a simple solution. A porn star can be selected only if he or she has a compilation video or DVD that contains only scenes with her in it. This criterion would be one that could easily be verified and also would not exclude Ron Jeremy.

So, if Porn stars are allowed, which one would wojr.com recommend?

The answer is simple. The fourth recommendation in the DEAD POOL is:

Tiffany Anne Jones aka Chasey Lain.

Not only does Chasey Lain pass the “Compilation Test”, but she has starred in such mainstream fare as Spike Lee’s He Got Game and Trey Parker’s Orgazmo. There is even a song named after her, The Ballad of Chasey Lain by the Bloodhound Gang.

Chasey allegedly has had some drug issues in her not-so-distant past and has been known to see her fans for “private” encounters. Both of which sound like prime reasons to include her in a Dead Pool.

So, if there are any other issues in the Dead Pool selection process, please let us know as soon as possible as the deadline for entries is tomorrow night at midnight.

I should get some special consideration here for writing up this post without using any profanity – unless, one considers bukkake to be profane.

wojr

DEAD POOL SUMMARY

Number of entries submitted as of 3:49PM, 10/30/06: fifty-seven.

wojr’s Selections:

1. Bindi Irwin Dakota Fanning
2. Bob Barker
3. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute
4. Chasey Lain
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Labels: DeadPool

  ¶ 3:49 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Daylight Savings Time is the Bane of the Functioning Alcoholic

We here at wojr.com headquarters get so confused with the concept of Daylight Savings Time.

Not only does the phrase “Spring Back, Fall Forward” start to make perfect sense after you say it four to five hundred times, but the entire clock change really makes things difficult for the closet drunkards among us.

Can we start drinking at Noon still or does it mean we can start at 11:00 AM? Or, for some unknown reason, do we have to wait until 1:00PM?

It boggles the mind.

That’s why we started drinking at 8:30 AM and recommend that everyone else follow suit.

Good day.

wojr

Labels: Intoxication

  ¶ 1:40 PM 0 comments links to this post