wojr - words, occasionally sentences
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Town Manager Admits “There Are No Benefits to Living in Pahrump”
Well, besides the legalized prostitution I’d wager.
Found on aol.com:
(If you saw the last two episodes of Studio 60, this news item is twice as funny.)
First feeble attempt at comedy: If I lived in Pahrump (“It’s a funny name, get past it.”), I would be inclined to fly me the old Jolly Roger and see what would happen. I could be an ACLU Pirate. On a side note: I bet the ACLU would get more supporters, especially from the moderates, if they gave themselves a cool team name like the Pirates. Or the ACLU Redskins. Something like that.
Second feeble attempt at comedy: “Old Glory is sovereign”??? Now, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t our country founded by, key word about to be uttered, immigrants who were tired of sovereignty? Bringing up sovereignty - why that's just a slap in the face of every man that has ever stolen land from one of those red-skinned savages.
Third feeble attempt at comedy: wojr.com does not have any benefits either, but if we do have any, we will offer them to any immigrants. Illegal or legal. As long as they work in a brothel.
Last feeble attempt at comedy: I think the brothels, legalized or not, should make up their own flags. Something representing the individual whorehouse’s proficiencies and/or selling points. Fly them just under the Stars and Stripes, so they’re not breaking any Pahrump laws. Feel free to design some suggestions for flag concepts and send them in to wojr.com headquarters. Feel free to make them extra muffy.
wojr
Well, besides the legalized prostitution I’d wager.
Found on aol.com:
The Nevada town of Pahrump is taking a stand not just against illegal immigrants but flags they may bring with them."I'm in the middle of an episode of Walker Texas Ranger."
The elected town board in the remote Mojave Desert community voted 3-2 on Tuesday to enact an ordinance making it illegal to fly a foreign nation's flag by itself.
Flying another country's flag, whether it is a British Union Jack or the flag of Mexico, is punishable by a $50 fine and 30 hours' community service, unless it is flown below an American flag.
"Old Glory is sovereign," says Paul Willis, a retired carpenter and board member. "You can't fly any other nation's flag higher than the American flag."
The American Civil Liberties Union says the flag restriction violates the First Amendment's guarantee of free speech.
"There's no doubt about it," says Lisa Rasmussen, a board member of the Nevada ACLU. "People have a right, as much as we don't like it, to fly ... any flag they wish."
Pahrump is a rural fast-growing town of 33,000 about 60 miles west of Las Vegas. It is part of sprawling Nye County, home of the closest legal brothels to Las Vegas.
The law passed as part of a package of measures that also declared English the official language of Pahrump and denies town benefits to illegal immigrants.
"We don't have any" benefits, town manager David Richards says. "If we ever have any, they'll be denied to illegal immigrants."
(If you saw the last two episodes of Studio 60, this news item is twice as funny.)
First feeble attempt at comedy: If I lived in Pahrump (“It’s a funny name, get past it.”), I would be inclined to fly me the old Jolly Roger and see what would happen. I could be an ACLU Pirate. On a side note: I bet the ACLU would get more supporters, especially from the moderates, if they gave themselves a cool team name like the Pirates. Or the ACLU Redskins. Something like that.
Second feeble attempt at comedy: “Old Glory is sovereign”??? Now, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t our country founded by, key word about to be uttered, immigrants who were tired of sovereignty? Bringing up sovereignty - why that's just a slap in the face of every man that has ever stolen land from one of those red-skinned savages.
Third feeble attempt at comedy: wojr.com does not have any benefits either, but if we do have any, we will offer them to any immigrants. Illegal or legal. As long as they work in a brothel.
Last feeble attempt at comedy: I think the brothels, legalized or not, should make up their own flags. Something representing the individual whorehouse’s proficiencies and/or selling points. Fly them just under the Stars and Stripes, so they’re not breaking any Pahrump laws. Feel free to design some suggestions for flag concepts and send them in to wojr.com headquarters. Feel free to make them extra muffy.
wojr
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I Never Knew that Jesus was Slippery When Wet
Found on metro.co.uk (via the online home of the Internet Jesus):
I do have a little remorse in finding this so funny. (WHAT? I’m not completely heartless!)
Here’s a man, a simple farmer from Columbia. He most likely received very little, if any, formal education and probably had a hard enough time surviving his world without the burden of epilepsy.
But come on, Alipio. You already climbed that statue once! It didn’t work. So, instead you decide to try again when Jesus was all lubed up? You pester the big guy for a second time with the same whiny problem and, of course, he’ll smack your ass down. Did you even bother wiping the bird-shit off his brow, Alipio? I bet you didn’t. No, it’s all about little Alipio. Well, man, I think if you can climb a 45 foot statue without having an epileptic seizure then you aren’t that bad off.
Ok, maybe I am heartless, but this guy is an idiot.
Too bad he wasn’t a priest though. Since the act Alipio performed was technically prayer, he could have definitely filed a worker’s comp claim.
Of course, I am assuming that Columbia has Worker’s Comp Insurance.
And you know what happens when you assume? That’s right, Jesus strikes down an epileptic.
wojr
Found on metro.co.uk (via the online home of the Internet Jesus):
A man who climbed a 45-foot tall statue of Jesus to pray for a miracle cure saw his plan backfire slightly, when he fell off, breaking several bones.In case you were wondering – yes, there is video of Jesus standing idly by as a devout devotee falls the 45 feet.
Farmer Alipio Acosta climbed up the statue of Jesus in Ocaca, Columbia in front of a crowd of onlookers – and TV cameras – in an attempt to be cured of his epilepsy. Once at the top of the statue, he prayed for a few moments, then started to climb back down.
Unfortunately, he hadn't planned his descent route terribly well. To add to the problems, it had been raining, which made Jesus quite slippery.
As he tried to negotiate his way around Jesus' outstretched arm, Acosta dangled for a moment, before losing his grip, falling, bouncing off the plinth and then falling some more.
On the plus side, he survived. Which is a miracle of sorts.
He was taken to hospital, where he was diagnosed with multiple fractures to his wrist, hip and skull.
This is not the first time Acosta has climbed up the Cristo Ray statue – he did the same thing two years ago. On that occasion, he wasn't cured of his epilepsy, but he didn't fall 45 feet either, making the venture a sort of 0 – 0 win.
I do have a little remorse in finding this so funny. (WHAT? I’m not completely heartless!)
Here’s a man, a simple farmer from Columbia. He most likely received very little, if any, formal education and probably had a hard enough time surviving his world without the burden of epilepsy.
But come on, Alipio. You already climbed that statue once! It didn’t work. So, instead you decide to try again when Jesus was all lubed up? You pester the big guy for a second time with the same whiny problem and, of course, he’ll smack your ass down. Did you even bother wiping the bird-shit off his brow, Alipio? I bet you didn’t. No, it’s all about little Alipio. Well, man, I think if you can climb a 45 foot statue without having an epileptic seizure then you aren’t that bad off.
Ok, maybe I am heartless, but this guy is an idiot.
Too bad he wasn’t a priest though. Since the act Alipio performed was technically prayer, he could have definitely filed a worker’s comp claim.
Of course, I am assuming that Columbia has Worker’s Comp Insurance.
And you know what happens when you assume? That’s right, Jesus strikes down an epileptic.
wojr
Monday, November 13, 2006
Journey into Morbidity: The Dead Pool: The Slots and the Slot Fillers - Part One
[Editor’s note: Sorry for the delay in the Dead Pool predictions. It was not a faint attempt to garner hate mail (which was garnered), it was simply the result of a common cold compounded by a heavy work load and the usual addiction to hardcore German pornography. Anyhow, enough pathetic excuses, lets get back to the gallows humor.]
The rules of the Inaugural wojr.com Halloween Dead Pool are more than meager attempts at comedy. Actually, that’s a lie. They are just meager attempts at comedy. They remind me of the Ten Commandments in that way. But like the commandments, we should not ignore them completely. (Well, at least the ones that don’t involve coveting. wojr.com condones coveting in all its forms.)
Thus, spots number five through nine on the list of wojr’s Dead Pool recommendations will be the so-called “slot fillers”. (Spot number 6 will be both a slot and a slot filler.)
These predictions will attempt to answer wojr.com’s own proposed Dead Pool conundrums. Which Golden Girl is most likely to die? Will the Lord Almighty first call Bobby or Whitney to Heaven’s main stage? Which person that porked Paris Hilton will shuffle the mortal coil soonest? Is this finally the year that abevigoda.com sees a change? And lastly, who will meet the Grim Reaper first, Bronc or Wojr?
Batting lead-off in the prediction process are the crackheads: Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston-Brown.
I will admit that even prior to seeing this image:
My choice was obvious.
Of the two, Bobby is just the expected one to bite the big one. The fact that Whitney looks remotely doable now only strengthens that claim. Bobby has always been the Julian to Whitney’s Blair. What no ‘Less Than Zero’ fans in the house? How about Bobby is the Dean Moriarty to Whitney’s Sal Paradise? Nah, that one doesn’t really work. How about I just stick to the lowest common denominator of references, Bobby is the K-Fed to Whitney’s Britney.
And like Senor Federline, Bobby is just past due. The man is on borrowed time. He’s dragged out this ride much longer than anyone would have expected.
And now that he has Osama on his ass? Forget about it. His demise is a foregone conclusion.
So, the wojr.com’s Fifth Pick is: Bobby Brown
Now, as we leave the simplest deliberation in the selection process, we now enter the greatest debate that has ever raged at the wojr.com command center (outside of “what type of animal is Goofy?“ and “is Vanity Fair acceptable reading material for straight men?”) The quandary that has ignited such a dispute has been over our sixth victim and trying to foresee which Golden Girl is the least viable.
The consensus amid the wojr.com correspondents/minions is that Bea Arthur is the most probable to fall to the reaper’s scythe. Personally, I spit in the face of such thinking and would fire our entire staff for contemplating such thoughts if they weren’t so willing to work on the cheap and so accepting of all the sexual harassment.
But there is a reason why I run the show and they are just peons and not just due to the fact that I know that Bea Arthur is EVERLASTING.
Remember the movie, WarGames? You know, the one where young hacker, Matthew Broderick, almost destroyed humanity by hacking NORAD, but ended up saving it with a good game of Tic Tac Toe. Well, the young Broderick had the child-like computer W.O.P.R. (no relation to wojr) run through umpteen simulations of Tic Tac Toe followed by Global Thermonuclear War to learn that no one would win in a nuclear battle.
Now, allow me to let you all in on a little secret, W.O.P.R. could not conceive of way to take out Bea Arthur. A thousand bouts of Global Thermonuclear War and every one of them had Bea Arthur and an army of cockroaches surviving. (One version had Bea and Mike Ditka surviving and spawning a race of super human offspring upon the Earth.)
Thus, if Bea is too strong and powerful for even a nuclear attack to bring her down, which Golden Girl is wojr.com’s pick? Well, in a three-way between Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Estelle Getty, (How’s that for a HOT mental image??) we have stay true to the voices in our head and go with the slutty one.
Now, for those not up on their Golden Girls, Rue played Blanche Devereaux, who of the four lead characters was the most morally flexible in terms of who could touch her bathing suite areas. In more declarative phrasing, Blanche was a whore. Despite wojr.com’s fondness of whores, we will admit that God hates them. (See Hurricane Katrina.) So, the safe money has got to be on Rue.
wojr.com’s Sixth Pick: Rue McClanahan
Picks Seven, Eight and Nine will be disclosed shortly and we promise no more tangents about Matthew Broderick movies.
wojr
DEAD POOL SUMMARY
Number of entries submitted as of 2:09PM, 11/13/06: one hundred and seventy-seven.
wojr’s Selections:
1.Bindi Irwin Dakota Fanning
2. Bob Barker
3. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute
4. Chasey Lain
5. Bobby Brown
6. Rue McClanahan
7.
8.
9.
10.
[Editor’s note: Sorry for the delay in the Dead Pool predictions. It was not a faint attempt to garner hate mail (which was garnered), it was simply the result of a common cold compounded by a heavy work load and the usual addiction to hardcore German pornography. Anyhow, enough pathetic excuses, lets get back to the gallows humor.]
The rules of the Inaugural wojr.com Halloween Dead Pool are more than meager attempts at comedy. Actually, that’s a lie. They are just meager attempts at comedy. They remind me of the Ten Commandments in that way. But like the commandments, we should not ignore them completely. (Well, at least the ones that don’t involve coveting. wojr.com condones coveting in all its forms.)
Thus, spots number five through nine on the list of wojr’s Dead Pool recommendations will be the so-called “slot fillers”. (Spot number 6 will be both a slot and a slot filler.)
These predictions will attempt to answer wojr.com’s own proposed Dead Pool conundrums. Which Golden Girl is most likely to die? Will the Lord Almighty first call Bobby or Whitney to Heaven’s main stage? Which person that porked Paris Hilton will shuffle the mortal coil soonest? Is this finally the year that abevigoda.com sees a change? And lastly, who will meet the Grim Reaper first, Bronc or Wojr?
Batting lead-off in the prediction process are the crackheads: Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston-Brown.
I will admit that even prior to seeing this image:
My choice was obvious.Of the two, Bobby is just the expected one to bite the big one. The fact that Whitney looks remotely doable now only strengthens that claim. Bobby has always been the Julian to Whitney’s Blair. What no ‘Less Than Zero’ fans in the house? How about Bobby is the Dean Moriarty to Whitney’s Sal Paradise? Nah, that one doesn’t really work. How about I just stick to the lowest common denominator of references, Bobby is the K-Fed to Whitney’s Britney.
And like Senor Federline, Bobby is just past due. The man is on borrowed time. He’s dragged out this ride much longer than anyone would have expected.
And now that he has Osama on his ass? Forget about it. His demise is a foregone conclusion.
So, the wojr.com’s Fifth Pick is: Bobby Brown
Now, as we leave the simplest deliberation in the selection process, we now enter the greatest debate that has ever raged at the wojr.com command center (outside of “what type of animal is Goofy?“ and “is Vanity Fair acceptable reading material for straight men?”) The quandary that has ignited such a dispute has been over our sixth victim and trying to foresee which Golden Girl is the least viable.
The consensus amid the wojr.com correspondents/minions is that Bea Arthur is the most probable to fall to the reaper’s scythe. Personally, I spit in the face of such thinking and would fire our entire staff for contemplating such thoughts if they weren’t so willing to work on the cheap and so accepting of all the sexual harassment.
But there is a reason why I run the show and they are just peons and not just due to the fact that I know that Bea Arthur is EVERLASTING.
Remember the movie, WarGames? You know, the one where young hacker, Matthew Broderick, almost destroyed humanity by hacking NORAD, but ended up saving it with a good game of Tic Tac Toe. Well, the young Broderick had the child-like computer W.O.P.R. (no relation to wojr) run through umpteen simulations of Tic Tac Toe followed by Global Thermonuclear War to learn that no one would win in a nuclear battle.
Now, allow me to let you all in on a little secret, W.O.P.R. could not conceive of way to take out Bea Arthur. A thousand bouts of Global Thermonuclear War and every one of them had Bea Arthur and an army of cockroaches surviving. (One version had Bea and Mike Ditka surviving and spawning a race of super human offspring upon the Earth.)
Thus, if Bea is too strong and powerful for even a nuclear attack to bring her down, which Golden Girl is wojr.com’s pick? Well, in a three-way between Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Estelle Getty, (How’s that for a HOT mental image??) we have stay true to the voices in our head and go with the slutty one.
Now, for those not up on their Golden Girls, Rue played Blanche Devereaux, who of the four lead characters was the most morally flexible in terms of who could touch her bathing suite areas. In more declarative phrasing, Blanche was a whore. Despite wojr.com’s fondness of whores, we will admit that God hates them. (See Hurricane Katrina.) So, the safe money has got to be on Rue.
wojr.com’s Sixth Pick: Rue McClanahan
Picks Seven, Eight and Nine will be disclosed shortly and we promise no more tangents about Matthew Broderick movies.
wojr
DEAD POOL SUMMARY
Number of entries submitted as of 2:09PM, 11/13/06: one hundred and seventy-seven.
wojr’s Selections:
1.
2. Bob Barker
3. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute
4. Chasey Lain
5. Bobby Brown
6. Rue McClanahan
7.
8.
9.
10.
Labels: DeadPool
