wojr - words, occasionally sentences
Friday, November 09, 2007
SWM Desperately Seeking Livestock
First, a word from our sponsor:
For those expecting a reveal of the Dead Pool winner, we must disappoint. The crack staff at wojr.com are, in between hits of crack, still tabulating the Dead Pool results as well as confirming the mortal status of literally tens of celebrities. The winner will be announced right after we finish our own predictions for last year’s Dead Pool.
Now, back to ourregularly scheduled extremely delayed blog post:
Whatever happened to dowries?
You bright readers know what a dowry is – "the money, goods, or estate that a wife brings to her husband at marriage."
Back in the day, men used to reap the benefits from marriage. Our forefathers got mad paid, yo. I do realize that there’s been a sexual revolution since then and everyone's equal now. I watch the WNBA, so I know about women's rights. However, a majority of ladies do prefer to date the financially secure aka a "breadwinner". In this day and age, many members of the female gender want to find a man to support them so they can kick back, pop out some kids and become obsessed with daytime television. Thinking otherwise is like believing Dog the Bounty Hunter doesn’t drop the N-bomb on a daily basis. It's just naïve, playa.
However, nowadays, all men can hope for in terms of a dowry are the wedding gifts; some dining set that is considered too "nice" for regular meals or, better yet, enough monetary gifts to hopefully cover the cost of a hundred chicken dinners, a few hours of open bar and the videographer that apparently was obsessed with the bride’s plunging neckline. Seriously, we are doing a bang up job of protecting the sanctity of marriage, but I digress...
Dowries. I bring them up because I’ll be hanging out with Aunt Jane this weekend. In terms of conversation topics with Jane, all you need to be is single and beyond your twenties to predict what she’ll want to talk about. You don't even need to be related to her to hear words like "marriage", "children", "not", "getting" and "younger" repeatedly. The best defense to this line of interrogation is a quick funny that will be inappropriate enough to force her to change the subject.
Thus, my planned rejoinder to her queries is that "I'm holding out for dowries to make a comeback. Get me a homestead and her dad’s best cow for my trouble. Hey, I just want my forty acres and a mule like any other brotha."
While I’m worried that "reparations" humor might go over my aunt's head, I like comparing "dating in your thirties" to being a carpet bagger. Dealing with the shell-shocked and battle-scarred at an unwelcoming place that you never imagined yourself going. That’s dating in your 30s in a nutshell.
So, in closing if you have any video of brides with awesome cleavage or doing strange things to livestock, feel free to for them to hatemail at wojr dot com.
wojr
First, a word from our sponsor:
For those expecting a reveal of the Dead Pool winner, we must disappoint. The crack staff at wojr.com are, in between hits of crack, still tabulating the Dead Pool results as well as confirming the mortal status of literally tens of celebrities. The winner will be announced right after we finish our own predictions for last year’s Dead Pool.
Now, back to our
Whatever happened to dowries?
You bright readers know what a dowry is – "the money, goods, or estate that a wife brings to her husband at marriage."
Back in the day, men used to reap the benefits from marriage. Our forefathers got mad paid, yo. I do realize that there’s been a sexual revolution since then and everyone's equal now. I watch the WNBA, so I know about women's rights. However, a majority of ladies do prefer to date the financially secure aka a "breadwinner". In this day and age, many members of the female gender want to find a man to support them so they can kick back, pop out some kids and become obsessed with daytime television. Thinking otherwise is like believing Dog the Bounty Hunter doesn’t drop the N-bomb on a daily basis. It's just naïve, playa.
However, nowadays, all men can hope for in terms of a dowry are the wedding gifts; some dining set that is considered too "nice" for regular meals or, better yet, enough monetary gifts to hopefully cover the cost of a hundred chicken dinners, a few hours of open bar and the videographer that apparently was obsessed with the bride’s plunging neckline. Seriously, we are doing a bang up job of protecting the sanctity of marriage, but I digress...
Dowries. I bring them up because I’ll be hanging out with Aunt Jane this weekend. In terms of conversation topics with Jane, all you need to be is single and beyond your twenties to predict what she’ll want to talk about. You don't even need to be related to her to hear words like "marriage", "children", "not", "getting" and "younger" repeatedly. The best defense to this line of interrogation is a quick funny that will be inappropriate enough to force her to change the subject.
Thus, my planned rejoinder to her queries is that "I'm holding out for dowries to make a comeback. Get me a homestead and her dad’s best cow for my trouble. Hey, I just want my forty acres and a mule like any other brotha."
While I’m worried that "reparations" humor might go over my aunt's head, I like comparing "dating in your thirties" to being a carpet bagger. Dealing with the shell-shocked and battle-scarred at an unwelcoming place that you never imagined yourself going. That’s dating in your 30s in a nutshell.
So, in closing if you have any video of brides with awesome cleavage or doing strange things to livestock, feel free to for them to hatemail at wojr dot com.
wojr
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
I Won't Deny It, Stan Bush is my True Messiah
In honor of the huge opening for the Transformers movie, I give you this:
I love that he rocks so hard that his guitar emits low-res visual effects!
(Question though - was anyone else creeped out by the intro with Optimus Prime and the little kid? Like in the "do you like Gladiator movies?" style of creepiness?)
For more Stan Bush, visit his site. For more Barbara Bush, visit her site.
wojr
In honor of the huge opening for the Transformers movie, I give you this:
I love that he rocks so hard that his guitar emits low-res visual effects!
(Question though - was anyone else creeped out by the intro with Optimus Prime and the little kid? Like in the "do you like Gladiator movies?" style of creepiness?)
For more Stan Bush, visit his site. For more Barbara Bush, visit her site.
wojr
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Airplane is almost an anagram for Anal Rape
So, when did the airplane industry just utterly quit giving a shit?
I know it was before 9/11 and the government bailouts, but I just can't recall when they stopped pretending to care.
Really, if they announced tomorrow that they were starting a new airline called "Fuck You Airlines", would you be surprised? Hell, I would at least respect their honesty. (Would they be FYA or FUA?)
The customer service staff looks upon the prospective air travellers as if they are the neighbor's retarded kid. You know, the one that favors feces as his favorite artistic medium. Most of them don't even need to check anyone in anymore. Damn, some don't even have to pick up a bag. They just slap a boarding pass on your suitcase and tilt their head towards the security scanner. (And why does my bag ALWAYS have to go through the scanner?)
So, I'm currently flying from Los Angeles to Pittsburgh. My next flight from Pittsburgh to Newark is overbooked. I probably won't get on it. I haven't had a trip that did not involve a delay or cancellation or an overbooking since the 20th century.
Which was right around the same time stewardesses stopped being hot and started being bitter, leathery ice queens that don't show any skin because then we'd see their two dozen nicotine patches. Ladies, I did not suck your soul. Stop treating me like I did.
What else? Oh yeah, I bought these tickets on expedia.com. I vividly recall taking the time to select exactly which seats I wanted. Of my four flights, I was happy to get three exit row picks. Number four was some business class option. Want to know where I am sitting? Yep, back near the toilet, sitting in the middle seat, next to a very nice mountain of man. He's large enough to affect the curvature of my spine.
No food. No movie. No Mile High Club. Just a pilot that sounds like Elwood Blues and likes to take advantage of the public address system. I cut him some slack though. He might be on a mission from God.
wojr
Posted from Treo (so expect spelling errors)
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
But Wendy and Marvin Totally Got It On (or The Second Post This Week Featuring Bestiality)
Here’s my random thought of the day, but it’s a good one:
I think the Wonder Twins got their powers so they couldn’t fuck each other.
If you have no idea who the Wonder Twins are, here is something stolen from wikipedia:
It's like they’re from a world where incest did not lead to inbreeding, a planet without recessive genes. (Although, Gleek looks like one inbred space monkey.) So, that episode of the X-Files, Home, with the deformed hillbilly inbred offspring who had their limbless Momma strapped to a board under the bed isn’t going to scare Zan & Jayna away from the sibling nookie.
True, Jayna could take the "form of a bitch in heat" and Zan could become an eighteen inch ice dildo, but, come on! I speak from experience when I say that there are better ways to get your groove on than humping a dog or sticking frozen pricks up your bum.
Did I just say…? Listen, ignore the "speak from experience" part. Just focus on the fact that we can’t see a sex tape with the Vulcan Donny & Marie getting it on. The best we can get is some footage of them taking turns having their way with their retarded space monkey.
And when that happens, well, the terrorists really win.
wojr
Here’s my random thought of the day, but it’s a good one:
I think the Wonder Twins got their powers so they couldn’t fuck each other.
If you have no idea who the Wonder Twins are, here is something stolen from wikipedia:
The [Wonder Twins] made their debut in The All-New Super Friends Hour. Zan and Jayna are siblings from the planet Exxor (also spelled Exor) who were being informally trained by the superheroes.So, here we have twins, a brother and a sister, from another planet. Now assuming their alien physiology mirrors ours in terms of genitalia, thus making their incestuous intercourse possible, their powers wouldn't allow it. Every time they touch, they would transform into some other form of matter that would make sex extremely complicated at best.Unlike their predecessors, Wendy Harris and Marvin White, this pair was able to participate in combat with abilities of their own. Their powers were activated when the twins made physical contact together with the spoken command, "Wonder Twin powers, activate!” (In the comics, it was revealed that this phrase was unnecessary, just a habit of theirs.) They bear a strong resemblance to Donny and Marie Osmond, who had a hit tv show at the time of their first appearances. Their appearance is somewhat reminiscent of Vulcans from Star Trek, with pointed ears and similar haircuts. As they were about to transform, they would each announce their intended form. For example, Zan would announce, "Form of a glacier!"
Their powers were:
* Zan can transform into any form of water, including liquid, mist, steam, or, perhaps most usefully, any kind of functioning ice structure. Also, at one time, he changed into a gelatinous form. By combining with already-existing water, Zan could also increase his mass or volume in the water form chosen. In addition, he could transform himself into weather patterns involving water, such as a blizzard, a monsoon, or a typhoon.
* Jayna can transform into any animal, whether real, mythological, indigenous to Earth or to some other planet, like Beast Boy. She did need to know the name of the animal in order to assume its form, as she would turn into whatever animal she named.
It's like they’re from a world where incest did not lead to inbreeding, a planet without recessive genes. (Although, Gleek looks like one inbred space monkey.) So, that episode of the X-Files, Home, with the deformed hillbilly inbred offspring who had their limbless Momma strapped to a board under the bed isn’t going to scare Zan & Jayna away from the sibling nookie.
True, Jayna could take the "form of a bitch in heat" and Zan could become an eighteen inch ice dildo, but, come on! I speak from experience when I say that there are better ways to get your groove on than humping a dog or sticking frozen pricks up your bum.
Did I just say…? Listen, ignore the "speak from experience" part. Just focus on the fact that we can’t see a sex tape with the Vulcan Donny & Marie getting it on. The best we can get is some footage of them taking turns having their way with their retarded space monkey.
And when that happens, well, the terrorists really win.
wojr
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
What Annoying Song is Not Stuck in Raj's Head?
Stealing a page from the playbook of Neerajimus, I've had a song stuck in my head all day.
Just think, if it wasn't for Schoolhouse Rock, George Dubya might not have known about vetoes.
wojr
Stealing a page from the playbook of Neerajimus, I've had a song stuck in my head all day.
Just think, if it wasn't for Schoolhouse Rock, George Dubya might not have known about vetoes.
wojr
Monday, June 25, 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRONC!
Today is the birthday of the Mighty Broncatello! One year older than Jesus!
Now for those not in the know (and please feel free to join us in "The Know"), Bronc and I compete in giving each other crappy birthday gifts. Be it Bronc's birthday, Wojr's birthday or Jesus's birthday - all those precious dates need be celebrated with utter craptastic birthday gifts.
I'm headed to NJ this thursday so I need some bad gift suggestions.
I recall a James Van Der Beek's biography being one gift, Rosie O'Donnell's autobiography being another. However, the current front runner is this book Bronc bought me.
Yeah, that one is hard to top. Honestly, the book sickened me so much that I never actually looked through it. If I did, I would have found this pic.
I know, I should blur out his tally-wacker. It is rather threatening. I'll get to that shortly, but in the meantime, anyone else reminded of this pic?
Yeah, I thought so.
So -- Happy birthday, you gay cowboy you!
And, everyone else, feel free to email me you crappy gift suggestions. Remember when it comes to crap, Price is not a limitation.
wojr
Today is the birthday of the Mighty Broncatello! One year older than Jesus!
Now for those not in the know (and please feel free to join us in "The Know"), Bronc and I compete in giving each other crappy birthday gifts. Be it Bronc's birthday, Wojr's birthday or Jesus's birthday - all those precious dates need be celebrated with utter craptastic birthday gifts.
I'm headed to NJ this thursday so I need some bad gift suggestions.
I recall a James Van Der Beek's biography being one gift, Rosie O'Donnell's autobiography being another. However, the current front runner is this book Bronc bought me.
Yeah, that one is hard to top. Honestly, the book sickened me so much that I never actually looked through it. If I did, I would have found this pic.
I know, I should blur out his tally-wacker. It is rather threatening. I'll get to that shortly, but in the meantime, anyone else reminded of this pic?
Yeah, I thought so.
So -- Happy birthday, you gay cowboy you!
And, everyone else, feel free to email me you crappy gift suggestions. Remember when it comes to crap, Price is not a limitation.
wojr
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
The Nazi Pope vs. Inmate #9818783 (or Vote for Today's Favorite Headline)
Now, I’m paraphrasing myself here, but news headlines can be peculiar things. And you don’t even need to take the time to closely examine them.
Take this article at TV Week, which just tickles my secular funny bone:
Luckily, I then stumbled upon this lovely headline on eonline.com:
However, the article is referring to computer virus and not venereal diseases:
Some guy has a job that involves finding how likely it is to get a computer virus when searching for the phrase "eating spiders while sleep"? Kinda sad. True, it’s not as thankless a job as waiting tables at the Red Lobster, but there has got to be better ways to earn your money.
The survey does explain some of the more wacky search phrases that led people to my site. Like "girls in cocaine", "massive bowel movement", or "Paris Hilton Dead Pool." And those are just for June.
I do wonder if Paris's current stay in jail will make her more or less associated with computer-based hazards. Not that I’m making fun of Paris'’s stay in jail. Everyone else is doing that and no one will reach the heights of Sarah Silverman's slam.
Bronc would so let Paris Hilton go down on him.
wojr
Edited: If you want you can write Ms. Hilton in prison, you can do so at the following address:
Paris Hilton, #9818783
PO BOX 86164
Terminal Annex
Los Angeles, CA 90086-0164
wojr
Now, I’m paraphrasing myself here, but news headlines can be peculiar things. And you don’t even need to take the time to closely examine them.
Take this article at TV Week, which just tickles my secular funny bone:
Pope To Be Named NBC Studio Head, Sources SayOf course, the actual story is about a Katherine Pope and not my boy, Papal Benny. So, all the gullible Catholics (and atheist fans of the Peacock) can relax. The rebound pope is staying in his Italian crib. However, given that Ms. Pope is only a few months older than myself, any chuckles found from the headline were overcome by my cries of rage and jealousy.
Luckily, I then stumbled upon this lovely headline on eonline.com:
Nude Britney More Infectious Than Nude ParisGiven Britney’s propensity to walk barefoot in public bathrooms as well as her marriage to Senor Federline, this should surprise no one.
However, the article is referring to computer virus and not venereal diseases:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are more likely to give you a virus than a nude Paris Hilton, a new study finds."Britney Spears nude" ranked higher than "free porn"? Interesting.
The State of Search Engine Safety report, released Monday by McAfee's SiteAdvisor group, evaluates the risks associated with approximately 2,300 of the most popular search terms based on the sites they return.
According to the study, conducting an online search for Suri's parents returns a slightly higher percentage of sites bundled with spyware and other malicious code than a search for the hotel heiress in her birthday suit.
Determined to be far more hazardous than searching for Cruise, Holmes or Hilton was scanning the World Wide Web for "Britney Spears nude," a search term that ranked above "free porn" in terms of the risky results it returned.
Less predictably, searching for a (presumably clothed) Lil' Wayne proved sketchier than hunting down either a nude Pamela Anderson or a nude Carmen Electra, while a search for Nicole Richie was determined to be more dangerous than the term "eating spiders while asleep"
Mark Maxwell, a senior product manager for SiteAdvisor, said the number of risky sites turned up by a search for a given star is not always a factor of their public profile.
"It's not necessarily an attribute of the celebrities themselves," Maxwell told E! Online.
He pointed out that typing "Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston" into a search engine returned a significantly higher percentage of undesirable results than a search for the actor and his current flame, Angelina Jolie.
"Are Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston truly riskier than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as people? No," Maxwell said.
Some guy has a job that involves finding how likely it is to get a computer virus when searching for the phrase "eating spiders while sleep"? Kinda sad. True, it’s not as thankless a job as waiting tables at the Red Lobster, but there has got to be better ways to earn your money.
The survey does explain some of the more wacky search phrases that led people to my site. Like "girls in cocaine", "massive bowel movement", or "Paris Hilton Dead Pool." And those are just for June.
I do wonder if Paris's current stay in jail will make her more or less associated with computer-based hazards. Not that I’m making fun of Paris'’s stay in jail. Everyone else is doing that and no one will reach the heights of Sarah Silverman's slam.
Bronc would so let Paris Hilton go down on him.
wojr
Edited: If you want you can write Ms. Hilton in prison, you can do so at the following address:
Paris Hilton, #9818783
PO BOX 86164
Terminal Annex
Los Angeles, CA 90086-0164
wojr
Labels: Bronc, Crackers, DeadPool, Hollywood, Porn, Sex, Snide Remarks, Whores, Youtube
