Some Unfortunate Web Advertising

So, I was reading this oddly titled article about the Anna-Nicole corpse debate over at abc.com, when I noticed some unfortunate use of advertising.

Be sure to click on pic to enlarge:

Come to the Bahamas and see the rapidly decomposing whore.

I'm booking my airfare now.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 7:49 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Mom, I’m Off To Comic Book Store – Keep An Eye on Doggie For Me?

Found on nydailynews.com (via warrenellis.com):

No escape from S&M Svengali, she says

A woman who says she was forced into sexual slavery took jurors on a stomach-turning journey through her S&M hell yesterday, testifying against the captor who called himself "God."

Jodi, a petite, 39-year-old from Wisconsin, testified that she was powerless to escape the twisted control of defendant Glenn Marcus, a sadomasochistic Svengali she met in 1998 on the Internet.

Federal Judge Allyne Ross allowed the witness to be identified by just her first name to spare her embarrassment.

Speaking in a husky monotone, Jodi described the whippings, mutilations and torture she said she received at the hands of Marcus, who sold comic books and lived with his parents on Long Island.

Marcus also lorded over three other female slaves he dubbed "Doggie," "Nameless" and "Robot,” Jodi said. But after Jodi agreed to submit to Marcus' fantasies, she became his "ultimate slave," the one he called "It," she said. He initiated Jodi by shaving her head and branding the letter "G" on her buttocks, she said.

He later carved "Slave" on her stomach, Jodi said.

"I was now his property and I belonged to him," Jodi testified in Brooklyn Federal Court, where Marcus, 53, is on trial for sex trafficking, forced labor and disseminating obscene photos of the victim on his Web site. "And whatever I was before I came to him didn't exist anymore."

Jodi had dabbled with sadomasochism in two relationships before meeting Marcus, but she said she was not prepared for his extreme brutality.

In one attack, he burned Jodi with a cigarette all over her body, including her genitals, she said. "I felt like I was literally in hell. I felt like I was on fire and couldn't put it out," she said.

Jodi was afraid to complain to the other female "slaves" out of fear they would tell Marcus and she would be punished further, she said.

There’s a word you don’t hear enough, Svengali. If I was a well-hung African American male, I would so want to become a Svengali. That way, I can claim to be The Mandingo Svengali. It has a nice ring to it and it would definitely look spiffy embroidered on a lobster bib.

Since I’m not African-American or well hung, I’ll just comment about this story on this blog.

So, Glenn aka “God” worked at a comic book store at the ripe age of 53, lived with his parents at the ripe age of 53 and still managed to get not one, not two, but four women to be his submissive sex slaves? I’m sure there’s many a man reading that story and thinking, “what the hell am I doing wrong?”

To those men, I give this advice, “Move out to Long Island”. If you stop and think about it, this story does make perfect sense. Long Island is the home of Amy Fischer and Joey Buttafucco. Crazy bitches falling for creepy old dudes just happens to be the norm out there. I’m not sure you’ll find one that will allow you to burn her vagina with a lit cigarette, but I’d wager you could get a handjob if you just offer her a pack of cigarettes.

(Oh yeah, I’m getting some hate mail for this one.)

wojr

Labels: Comic Books, News, Sex, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 3:39 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Utah Confirms It Has No Respect for Black People, Their History or Their Porn

February is Black History Month. It’s bad enough that February is the shortest month on the calendar, but now our Nubian brothers and sisters have to share the month with some cracker polygamist movement against pornography.

Found on byu.edu (SFW) (via fleshbot.com (NSFW)):

Community Leaders Declare February 'White Ribbon Against Pornography' Month

Pornography has been compared to a variety of drugs because of its addictive properties.

The difference between the two, however, is illustrated when a user ends his or her addictive behavior. Once you leave a drug like cocaine, you can get the drug out of your system; pornographic images, however, are left in your brain forever, explained Cindy Moreno, the president of Communities for Decency.

Governor Jon Huntsman and mayors of many Utah cities have declared the month of February to be White Ribbon Against Pornography month in Utah.

“Communities for Decency” is a statewide, non-profit organization that promotes standards of decency in communities and teaches children good values. The organization also strives to empower parents with the tools they need to talk to their children about the destructive effects of pornography.

“People don’t realize what is out there,” Moreno said. “We aim to teach children and parents alike about the dangers of pornography.”

Parents are not aware of how easily accessible pornography is, Moreno said. Children can get it on their cell phones, computers or while they are doing their homework on the Internet.

In a study of 600 American males and females of junior-high-school age and above, 91 percent of the males and 82 percent of the females admitted having been exposed to X-rated, hard-core pornography, mostly occurring while doing homework, Moreno said.

Communities for Decency has funded school assemblies where high school students go to elementary schools and teach children that it is alright to speak out when they see something inappropriate.

“Many children will see inappropriate images and feel yucky about it, but they won’t tell anyone about it,” Moreno said.

Why’s it got to be the WHITE Ribbon Against Porn month? Why you got to flaunt your disrespect for the brother man so blatantly in front of his face. (To quote Chasing Amy, “Gentrification! They gon' drive out the black element to make the galaxy 'safe' for white folks and polygamists”.) It is just blatant racism and, as a liberal white democrat, I will not stand for it. No, not one bit.

Black rage! BLACK RAGE!

Ahem.. Sorry, got lost in the moment.

As for the non-racial comments, I would normally start things off by mocking Ms. Moreno for using such an ostentatious word like “yucky”, but I have witnessed some pornographic images that have left a yucky taste in my mouth. (To quote Clerks II, “you never go ass to mouth”.) So, I’ll let that one pass. Also, in terms of pornographic images being left in your brain forever, while I do have issues with the use of the word “forever”, I will admit that I can vividly recall some of the first erotic cinema I witnessed in my life. Hell, those images are the occasional fist fodder for my masturbatory exploits. So, I’ll let that one pass as well.

However, what I will not let slip by me is the insinuation that most of the males and females of junior-high-school age and above that have been exposed to X-rated, hard-core pornography did so while doing homework. Ms. Moreno, that is a load of BULLSHIT. While the Internet is prevalent with porn (as it should be), I doubt Little Junior High Johnny stumbled upon Latin Double Dong Fiesta dot com while researching the Spanish Inquisition. He’s at that site because he wants to know why Daddy needs three wives.

And come on, “Communities for Decency”, really? Now, if I had a child in an elementary school and a couple of high school kids came to them, claimed to be from some Nazi-sounding group like “Communities for Decency”, and told them it is ok to speak out when they see something inappropriate like, for an example, an interracial gangbang, I would have a big problem with that*.

Because I’m done with the racial harmony in its pornographic and non-pornographic forms.

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!

wojr

*Of course, if I was living in Utah, I would have bigger problems than my kids fending off neo-Nazis.

Labels: Crackers, News, Porn, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 4:53 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  I Would Watch a Movie Called 'Bobby Hunter, Code Enforcement Director'

We here at wojr.com will always find time to catch up with college buddies.

Found on yourpennhills.com (by a loyal wojr.com correspondent):

Municipal officials want house sold online demolished

Penn Hills officials hope to see a house sold on eBay demolished.

Mark Bartholomaei, a Sewickley attorney, purchased the house at 5319 Verona Road for $18,000 at a sheriff's sale in March and sold the property on eBay for $22,100 in April.

Since then, the municipality filed three charges against Bartholomaei for not obtaining an occupancy permit, having a structure unfit for occupation and owning a building without providing safeguards from fire.

Municipal officials learned about the house being sold on eBay when the Florida couple who bought the property visited the code enforcement office to express their concerns about the house's condition. Robert Hunter, code enforcement director, would not release the names of the buyers to protect their privacy.

Though Bartholomaei says he has a sales agreement with the couple, county property records still list him as the owner. The Florida couple has the deed and needs to file it with the county to finalize their ownership, he said.

"I sent them a picture of the house before they bought it," Bartholomaei said. "I am trying to work out the issues with them. It boils down to the husband bid on the house without the wife knowing and he hadn't looked at the house before bidding."

Bartholomaei, who chose eBay for its broad reach, admits the house is not in great shape. He was hoping to make a profit on the sheriff's sale after friends did the same with another property. The house went up for sheriff sale because the previous owners, Charles and Joanne Abbott, owed more than $22,000 in delinquent taxes to the municipality, school district and county.

If the property is cleared, the Florida couple could make a profit by selling the land, Bartholomaei said.

The Florida couple were not the only bidders for the property. Ten other people from Pennsylvania and New Jersey were outbid for the property.

Bartholomaei believes the couple and a few others didn't check out the house before bidding. He said two months passed before the winning couple visited the house. The couple could have paid a local contractor $50 to check out the house before placing the bid on eBay, Bartholomaei said.

Fifty bids were offered for the property. The Florida couple outbid the next person by $100, said Bartholomaei, who did not have a reserve price for the auction.

"You pay for what you get," he said. "You have to take into consideration what you're bidding on."

It could have been much worse. They could have bought an Acura Integra from him.

Sorry for the inside joke/revisionist history. Please resume your normal activities.

wojr

Labels: College, Crackers, News, Nostalgia, Villanova

  ¶ 12:12 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  More Information About Whale Vomit Than You Ever Thought You Needed

Found on aol.com:

MONTAUK, N.Y. (Dec. 18) — In this season of strange presents from relatives, Dorothy Ferreira got a doozy the other day from her 82-year-old sister in Waterloo, Iowa. It was ugly. It weighed four pounds. There was no receipt in the box.

Inside she found what looked like a gnarled, funky candle but could actually be a huge hunk of petrified whale vomit worth as much as $18,000.

“I called my sister and asked her, ‘What the heck did you send me?’ ” recalled Ms. Ferreira, 67, who has lived here on the eastern tip of Long Island since 1982. “She said: ‘I don’t know, but I found it on the beach in Montauk 50 years ago and just kept it around. You’re the one who lives by the ocean; ask someone out there what it is.’ ”

Childless and never married, Ms. Ferreira bounced from job to job, most recently as a short-order cook at a local deli, and now lives on her Social Security income.

“If it really does have value, I’m not silly, of course I’d want to sell it,” Ms. Ferreira said as she looked out past her lace curtains and picket fence at the whitecaps on the bay. “This could be my retirement.”

After researching ambergris on the Internet, Ms. Ferreira’s neighbor, Joe Luiksic, advised, “Put it on eBay.” But endangered species legislation has made buying or selling the stuff illegal since the 1970s; a couple who found a large lump of ambergris valued at almost $300,000 on an Australian beach in January has had legal problems selling it.

As we enter this yuletide season, (can we still call it “Yuletide” or will that offend someone??) it’s good to read inspirational holiday stories such as this one.

Why go out shopping for expensive and unnecessary items for your loved ones when you can just give them shit you got laying around the house? And not just used DVDs or Kyle’s old stuffed animals – we’re talking about the strange and grotesque.

The lady gave her sister WHALE VOMIT.

I got some boogers underneath my sofa that I might scrape off and give to Ryan for a gift. Who knows? It might be worth some cash to the right parties.

Or do I have to save the petrified snot rockets for FIFTY years and bring them with me from home to home as I relocate for the items to increase in value? Do I have make a whale vomit pilgrimage from Long Island to IOWA to earn me some ducats?

Then, even if you hit the whale vomit goldmine, you might risk jail time in order to sell the stuff. So, as a good rule of thumb, don’t sell anything you find along the seashore, people (expect discarded syringes – sell them to your local junkie).

And the moment you were waiting for – the picture of the whale vomit:


In case we forget, Happy Christmas and Merry Hanukkah from the staff of wojr.com!

wojr

Labels: News

  ¶ 7:57 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Fred Garvin Mike Tyson – Male Prostitute

Keeping the focus on Nevada brothels, we have this story found on starpulse.com:

Former boxing champion Mike Tyson is to become a male escort after agreeing to work at legendary Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss' new legalized brothel for women. Fleiss bought 60 acres of land in Nevada, and his work is scheduled to begin on Heidi's Stud Farm.

She has high hopes for Tyson, once heavyweight champion of the world - despite the fact he is a convicted rapist.

She says, "I told him, 'You're going to be my big stallion.' It's every man's fear that their girlfriend will go for Mike Tyson."

Tyson, 40, adds, "I don't care what any man says, it's every man's dream to please every woman - and get paid for it."

First off, this story is not accurate. It’s every (straight) man’s fear that Mike Tyson will make them their girlfriend. Hell, most would probably offer up their girlfriend as some type of sacrifice.

Personally, I have no problem with the idea of a whorehouse to service the ladies. What is good for the goose should be good for the vagina. However, the initial outing for such an enterprise that needs to be free of any problems or dilemmas. Thus, if the proprietors want this type of venture to succeed, they should select their man-whores with care. Most of the perspective clients for this establishment are going to have trepidations. The last thing they need to worry about is getting their ear bitten off by their gigolo.

Most women I know would actually pay money NOT to be alone in a room with Mike Tyson. Of course, there are other women that really like the bad boys. You know the ones that write serial killers in prison. The ones that get wet at the thought of a “conjugal visit.” The ones that don’t find me attractive at all. (Fuck you, there are some women that find me attractive.)

As warning to the staff of Heidi Fleiss’ brothel, when Iron Mike is in the house, be careful which doors you open. I’d wager if you stumble into Mike’s room by accident, especially if he is priming himself to please his customer, you might get pounced upon and find yourself on the receiving end of his attempts at pleasing.

wojr

Labels: News, Whores

  ¶ 7:04 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  Town Manager Admits “There Are No Benefits to Living in Pahrump”

Well, besides the legalized prostitution I’d wager.

Found on aol.com:

The Nevada town of Pahrump is taking a stand not just against illegal immigrants but flags they may bring with them.

The elected town board in the remote Mojave Desert community voted 3-2 on Tuesday to enact an ordinance making it illegal to fly a foreign nation's flag by itself.

Flying another country's flag, whether it is a British Union Jack or the flag of Mexico, is punishable by a $50 fine and 30 hours' community service, unless it is flown below an American flag.

"Old Glory is sovereign," says Paul Willis, a retired carpenter and board member. "You can't fly any other nation's flag higher than the American flag."

The American Civil Liberties Union says the flag restriction violates the First Amendment's guarantee of free speech.

"There's no doubt about it," says Lisa Rasmussen, a board member of the Nevada ACLU. "People have a right, as much as we don't like it, to fly ... any flag they wish."

Pahrump is a rural fast-growing town of 33,000 about 60 miles west of Las Vegas. It is part of sprawling Nye County, home of the closest legal brothels to Las Vegas.

The law passed as part of a package of measures that also declared English the official language of Pahrump and denies town benefits to illegal immigrants.

"We don't have any" benefits, town manager David Richards says. "If we ever have any, they'll be denied to illegal immigrants."

"I'm in the middle of an episode of Walker Texas Ranger."

(If you saw the last two episodes of Studio 60, this news item is twice as funny.)

First feeble attempt at comedy: If I lived in Pahrump (“It’s a funny name, get past it.”), I would be inclined to fly me the old Jolly Roger and see what would happen. I could be an ACLU Pirate. On a side note: I bet the ACLU would get more supporters, especially from the moderates, if they gave themselves a cool team name like the Pirates. Or the ACLU Redskins. Something like that.

Second feeble attempt at comedy: “Old Glory is sovereign”??? Now, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t our country founded by, key word about to be uttered, immigrants who were tired of sovereignty? Bringing up sovereignty - why that's just a slap in the face of every man that has ever stolen land from one of those red-skinned savages.

Third feeble attempt at comedy: wojr.com does not have any benefits either, but if we do have any, we will offer them to any immigrants. Illegal or legal. As long as they work in a brothel.

Last feeble attempt at comedy: I think the brothels, legalized or not, should make up their own flags. Something representing the individual whorehouse’s proficiencies and/or selling points. Fly them just under the Stars and Stripes, so they’re not breaking any Pahrump laws. Feel free to design some suggestions for flag concepts and send them in to wojr.com headquarters. Feel free to make them extra muffy.

wojr

Labels: News, Political, Whores

  ¶ 12:59 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  I Never Knew that Jesus was Slippery When Wet

Found on metro.co.uk (via the online home of the Internet Jesus):

A man who climbed a 45-foot tall statue of Jesus to pray for a miracle cure saw his plan backfire slightly, when he fell off, breaking several bones.

Farmer Alipio Acosta climbed up the statue of Jesus in Ocaca, Columbia in front of a crowd of onlookers – and TV cameras – in an attempt to be cured of his epilepsy. Once at the top of the statue, he prayed for a few moments, then started to climb back down.

Unfortunately, he hadn't planned his descent route terribly well. To add to the problems, it had been raining, which made Jesus quite slippery.

As he tried to negotiate his way around Jesus' outstretched arm, Acosta dangled for a moment, before losing his grip, falling, bouncing off the plinth and then falling some more.

On the plus side, he survived. Which is a miracle of sorts.

He was taken to hospital, where he was diagnosed with multiple fractures to his wrist, hip and skull.

This is not the first time Acosta has climbed up the Cristo Ray statue – he did the same thing two years ago. On that occasion, he wasn't cured of his epilepsy, but he didn't fall 45 feet either, making the venture a sort of 0 – 0 win.

In case you were wondering – yes, there is video of Jesus standing idly by as a devout devotee falls the 45 feet.

I do have a little remorse in finding this so funny. (WHAT? I’m not completely heartless!)

Here’s a man, a simple farmer from Columbia. He most likely received very little, if any, formal education and probably had a hard enough time surviving his world without the burden of epilepsy.

But come on, Alipio. You already climbed that statue once! It didn’t work. So, instead you decide to try again when Jesus was all lubed up? You pester the big guy for a second time with the same whiny problem and, of course, he’ll smack your ass down. Did you even bother wiping the bird-shit off his brow, Alipio? I bet you didn’t. No, it’s all about little Alipio. Well, man, I think if you can climb a 45 foot statue without having an epileptic seizure then you aren’t that bad off.

Ok, maybe I am heartless, but this guy is an idiot.

Too bad he wasn’t a priest though. Since the act Alipio performed was technically prayer, he could have definitely filed a worker’s comp claim.

Of course, I am assuming that Columbia has Worker’s Comp Insurance.

And you know what happens when you assume? That’s right, Jesus strikes down an epileptic.

wojr

Labels: News, Religion

  ¶ 6:42 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  I Hope the Poor Guy Counting the Condoms Is Getting Some (or Wow, Michelle Pfeiffer Was Hot in a Trashy Way in Grease 2)

Found on wcbstv.com:

Condom Sales Spike In S. Korea

(AP) SEOUL Condom sales and bookings at several of South Korea's pay-by-the-hour "love motels" surged in the aftermath of North Korea's nuclear test, according to statistics released Thursday.

South Koreans are used to living in the shadow of war, and life has continued as normal across the country in the wake of the Oct. 9 explosion. But statistics on the number of condoms sold in recent weeks suggest that despite their apparently blasé reaction to the North's nuclear bluster, many South Koreans may be seeking solace in sex.

A leading chain of convenience stores reported Thursday that their condom sales rose to an average of 1,930 a day in the week after Oct. 9, compared to 1,508 a day for the year to Sept. 30.

Sales of the prophylactics dropped slightly to 1,772 in the week of Oct. 16-21, but remained well above previous norms.

Another national chain said it sold 3.54 million South Korean won (US$3,721) worth of condoms a day during the week after the test — a 14.8 percent rise over last month's sales figures, and a 12 percent rise over the year to Sept. 30.

The statistics were first reported by a prominent newspaper, Chosun Ilbo, which ran a full-color graphic of a condom-shrouded missile bearing the North Korean flag.

The South Korean condom industry owes a debt of gratitude to Kim Jong Ill. Who would have thunk?

To be perfectly honest, if I was threatened with nuclear annihilation, I would be inclined to go bareback. Then again, I haven’t been hitting up the “love motels”.

The whole thing reminds me of the scene from Grease 2 where one of the guys tries to use a bomb shelter and his girlfriend’s nuclear paranoia to get laid. “KABLAM! NUCLEOID WAR!” The damn scene even had a damn musical number.

Yeah, let's do it for our country, the red, white, and the blue,
If the President were standin' here, I'm sure he would approve.
I'll be a mighty soldier before this night is through.
Let's do it for our country, our country wants us to.

And by “do it”, they mean making the beast with two backs.

Now, some of you might be asking yourself “why is wojr referencing GREASE 2”?

Well,

1. I wanted to show that I’m secure enough in my manhood to reference Grease 2 and/or movie musicals.
2. In terms of the Inaugural wojr.com Halloween Dead Pool, the stars of Grease 2, Michelle Pfeiffer and Maxwell Caulfield, are both just under fifty. They might make for some interesting Dead Pool picks. (Co-stars, Sid Caesar (84) and Adrian Zmed also make for VERY interesting picks.)
3. Liz and Jean Sagal, the twins from the sitcom Double Trouble and known wojr crushes, happen to be in Grease 2. I will go any distance to reference either Double Trouble and/or Tales of the Gold Monkey.
4. The Korean Condom Article really spoke for itself. Felt like I had to think of something of my own to contribute to this post.
   

Yeah, they all can’t be home runs, but I bet you chuckled at the Kim Jong Ill picture.

wojr

Labels: News, Political, Sex, Whores

  ¶ 3:28 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  wojr’s Buying Habits Indicate That He Would Be Too Drunk to Vote

Found on cnn.com:

California shoppers, Schwarzenegger is watching you

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Gin or vodka? Ford or BMW? Perrier or Fiji water? Does the car you buy or what's in your fridge say anything about how you'll vote?

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign thinks so.

Employing technology honed in President Bush's 2004 victory, the Republican governor's re-election team has created a vast computer storehouse of data on personal buying habits and voter records to identify likely supporters. Campaign officials say the operation is the largest of its kind in any state, at any time.

Some strategists believe consumer information can reveal a voter's politics even better than a party label can.

"It's not where they live, it's how they live," said Josh Ginsberg, the Schwarzenegger campaign's deputy political director.

The idea is an outgrowth of techniques that businesses have long used to find new customers. Using publicly available data, the Bush campaign in 2004 knew voters' favorite vacation spots, religious leanings, the music and magazines they liked, the cars they drove.

If only Arnold put such effort into, you know, actually being governor, he probably wouldn’t need this information. Not like he needs the information anyway, most polls show him having a clear majority of the votes.

Actually, I wonder why the Schwarzenegger camp would even want this information released to the press. Most individuals, especially the ones in the “middle” that Arnold seems to be targeting, have grown a little wary about the state of privacy in America. Wire-tapping of phone calls, looking for their web browser information and now the need to see how they spend their money? Isn’t the Republican Party supposed to be against Big Government getting involved in our lives?

Do they really think if someone buys porn that they’ll vote for a porn star? Not that one is still running.

Found on avn.com:

Carey Quits Campaign to be with Family

Adult starlet and gubernatorial candidate, Mary Carey, has been forced to stop campaigning due to a family tragedy. After a recent campaign appearance at San Diego State University, Carey had to cancel the remainder of her “Shock the Vote” tour across college campuses of California.

Carey’s mother, Jaqueline Cook, is currently in critical condition after a recent accident in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. After a strenuous month of flying back and forth to Florida to see her mom, Carey said that she has decided to stop campaigning to be by her mother’s side in Florida for an upcoming surgery.

“As much as I want to help the state of California be a better place I think it is more important to be with my mom and help her,” said Carey, a contract performer for Legend Video. "I am only 26 and have many more years to be involved in politics, but right now I must be in Florida with my mom."

God, I miss New Jersey. I really do.

wojr

Labels: News, Political, Porn

  ¶ 3:37 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Journey into Morbidity: The Dead Pool – Candidate Uno

As announced here, there is a contest in progress here at wojr.com.

By predicting who is going to die in the next year, one could win prizes valued in, no lie, the excess of twenty dollars. That’s a TWO followed by a ZERO, people.

I’ve been told that it would be a huge conflict of interest for me to submit my picks to the contest. Good thing for all of us then, because I won’t be submitting. Not that I care about conflicts of interest and such, I just think the prizes are utter crap.

However, why should I let my prognosticating skills go to waste? You, the loyal readers, should benefit from my foresight.

Thus, between now and the October 31st submission deadline, I’ll slowly be unveiling my ten picks for the DEAD POOL.

First Selection: BINDI IRWIN

Found on aol.com:

NEW YORK (Oct. 16) - Like father, like daughter. Bindi Irwin, the 8-year-old daughter of the late "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin, will star in a wildlife series to air on the Discovery Kids network early next year. The show's working title: "Bindi, The Jungle Girl."

Her father, animal lover and conservationist Steve Irwin, died from the poisonous jab of a stingray Sept. 4. Besides Bindi, he left behind her mother, Terri, and 2-year-old brother, Bob.

The show, now in the early stages of production, was originally "going to be a father-daughter thing," starring the nature-loving duo, Discovery publicist Annie Howell told the Associated Press on Monday. "Steve and Bindi were very enthusiastic about doing the show together."

Irwin will appear with Bindi in scenes filmed before his death, his manager, John Stainton, said in an interview on People magazine's Web site.

"Some people think that I would be afraid of them, but I'm never ever afraid of an animal," Bindi said in an interview Monday on ABC's "Australian Story."

"I just get excited and some that are dangerous I just think, 'Oooh! What's going to happen?' and things like that."

Some might find it cruel and heartless to select an eight-year-old to the THUNDERDOME. In my opinion, those people are soft & pathetic and don’t deserve to win.

Remember half of your selections need to be under the age of fifty. You need to focus on the most likely targets. Like the little girl with her head in the freaking lion's mouth.

Now if the father, Steve, was still alive, I would have picked the little brother, Bob, as the most likely target, but now with this news of a pending show, big sister becomes the front runner. (Although Little Bob Irwin would make for a solid pick as well.)

“Oooh! What’s going to happen?” Indeed.

Indeed

wojr


Number of entries submitted as of 1:18PM, 10/19/06: zero.

wojr’s Selections:

1. Bindi Irwin
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Labels: DeadPool, News

  ¶ 1:18 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  wojr Has A Saltine Ass (Or This Would Never Happen to Diddy’s Mom)

Found on cnn.com:

Chris Rock's mom: Cracker Barrel discriminated

CHARLESTON, South Carolina (AP) -- Rose Rock, the mother of comedian Chris Rock, claims she was racially discriminated against when she was seated but ignored for a half hour at a Cracker Barrel restaurant along the South Carolina coast.

Rock said Tuesday she planned to sue the Lebanon, Tennessee-based company. A Cracker Barrel spokeswoman said the restaurant chain was investigating and taking the complaint "very seriously."

Cracker Barrel has in the past faced numerous lawsuits and a federal inquiry over complaints of refusing to serve black customers, discriminating against minority workers and firing gay employees. The company has taken steps to rebuild its folksy image and reach out to minorities.

wojr.com would never condone acts of discrimination that aren’t based on taste or intelligence. This is why wojr.com discriminates against racists.

But occasionally we do need to point out the obvious:

The place is called CRACKER Barrel.

I’m not white enough for the Cracker Barrel and my ass is the color of Elmer’s glue.

I thought to myself, why would an intelligent black woman with a little coin in her pocket want to eat at the Cracker Barrel? Has the woman even seen her son’s stand-up?

Whenever an old black man sees an old white man, the old black man always kisses the old white man's ass.

''How you doing, sir? Pleased to meet you. Whatever I can get you, you let me know.''

As soon as the white man gets out of sight, he's like:

''Cracker-ass cracker! I'll put my foot in the crack of your ass, cracker-ass cracker! I wish that cracker would've said some shit to me, saltine-assed, motherfucking cracker! Cracker, kiss my ass, you fucking cracker!''

The white man comes back.

''Howdy, sir?''

But then I read this portion of the article:

The Rev. Al Sharpton will join Rock on Wednesday in South Carolina to announce that Sharpton's Action Network will finance the planned lawsuit.

"I'm getting reports from all over the country about Cracker Barrel," Sharpton said from New York on Tuesday.

So, I thought to myself, one, if Mrs. Rock is so insulted why can't she get her son, Chris, to pony up some of his Everybody Loves Chris money for the lawsuit and, two, doesn't the “Sharpton’s Action Network” sound like a great idea for a TV show? (Maybe it can be sponsored by Cracker Barrel.)

The cynic in me thinks there is more to the story than what's in that article.

To be continued in The Case of Cracker Ass Cracker Barrel Conspiracy.

wojr

Labels: Crackers, Hollywood, News

  ¶ 10:38 AM 2 comments links to this post   

  I Wonder If They Are Franchising

Found on news.bbc.co.uk (via some friend of Shaw-nee):

Agency makes breaking up easier

A German businessman has set up a "separation agency" - a service to inform unsuspecting spouses and lovers their partners no longer want them.

Bernd Dressler will deliver the bad news - for those too scared to do it themselves - for 20 euros (£13) by phone, or for 50 euros (£33) in person.

The efficiency and directness of Mr. Dressler's manner has earned him the nickname The Terminator.

The 52-year-old compares his company to a dating agency but "in reverse".

At their inner core, everyone here at wojr.com are nice guys. Actually, that’s not true. There is only one guy and he has no core. No matter how much you lick, there is no tootsie roll center.

Thus, I could so do that job.

“It’s not you, it’s them.”

“I think the two of you just need some space.”

“To be honest, he’s looking for some new pussy.”

How difficult is that to get across? The hardest part would be convincing the victim (can you think of a better label? I can’t.) that you are an actual representative of their spouse or lover and not someone playing some cruel prank.

Plus, there’s a definite client base out there. One can never underestimate the number of chicken shit men (and women) in the world.

I do, however, have a few suggestions for Mr. Dressler’s business model.

For one, I would offer a retort service. For a couple euros offer the dumped the opportunity to use the separation agent as a mouthpiece for their rage and retaliation. Anyone who has a nickname like ‘The Terminator’ probably would find it to express the bile and contempt one might feel over been romantically discarded by an intermediary.

Secondly, I would not charge more for the in person dumping. True, using the telephone or even email might be the swifter, more cost-effective route. However, the separation agent is wasting some prime opportunities for some break-up and/or revenge nookie. “What is that guy thinking, breaking up with a gorgeous lady like you?” These separation agents could be getting more play than the pizza guy in a porno. I realize the opportunity for casual sex is difficult to reflect on a company’s bottom line, but employee morale is crucial for any business, especially a start-up.

Third, why stop at romantic break-ups? How about a roommate relocation package or an employment resignation service? Or even go the whole nine yards and institute something akin to the witness protection program. Offer up new identities, fake deaths, the whole shebang. That’s where the big money is.

It could work, but I still like my Best Man Insurance idea better.

wojr

Labels: Advice, News

  ¶ 5:23 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  wojr and The Bush Administration Find Some Common Ground

Found on aol.com:

Ex-Aide Says Evangelicals Mocked in White House

For the White House, the charges coming their way this morning in the new book "Tempting Faith: An Inside Story of Political Seduction" must seem anything but heaven-sent.

The accusations are coming from an unlikely source: David Kuo, former deputy director of the White House Office of Faith-Based Initiatives, which channels federal dollars to religious charities.

Kuo says the office was misused to rally evangelical Christians, the Republican base voters, to get GOP politicians elected. Not only that, Kuo claims Bush officials mocked evangelical leaders behind their backs, alleging that in the office of political guru Karl Rove they were called "the nuts."

"National Christian leaders received hugs and smiles in person and then were dismissed behind their backs and described as 'ridiculous', 'out of control,' and just plain 'goofy,' " Kuo writes.

"You name the important Christian leader, and I have heard them mocked by serious people in serious places," Kuo told "60 Minutes" Sunday night.

That mockery, he added, included the Rev. Pat Robertson being called "insane," the Rev. Jerry Falwell being called "ridiculous" and comments that Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family "had to be controlled."

While we here at wojr.com have never called the National Christian leaders ‘goofy’ out of reverence to all things Disney, we have consistently thought of the leadership as ‘ridiculous’ and ‘out of control’. Who knew the Bush Administration felt the same way? Right? Makes you just want to run to Washington and give G-Dub a big ol’ hug.

That aol article seems to show only the tip of the iceberg in terms of the content of Kuo’s book, Tempting Faith.

Here’s a more detailed report from Keith Olbermann:



I’m sure you’ll be hearing accusations that this, like the Foley scandal, is the carefully orchestrated plan of the Democrats to smear the good name of Republicans right before the upcoming election. Which is just crazy talk. The Democratic Party doing anything “carefully orchestrated” would be the harbinger of the Second Coming or the Rapture or whatever event the Evangelicals are expecting.

David Kuo is not a proponent of the Democrats. He, from my limited knowledge, left the White House because he felt the Administration was not doing enough to champion the Catholic agenda. Kuo was upset that Bush was short-changing them just like he was short-changing black people. (I know that’s not true, the Catholic leaders at least got some White House souvenirs.) I doubt Kuo believes the Democrats would treat the Evangelicals any better. And the Evangelicals, I’m sure, know that as well. So, I think most of their votes will still go to the Republicans.

Hell, the fact that Bush has been protecting us from the Evangelicals just might win the Republicans some votes from the middle as well. The Bush administration has been protecting us from the crazy, ridiculous Catholics( opposed to the sane, lovely Catholics that I hold close to heart). As crazy as it sounds, we could be in a worse state than we are in now.

Man, just be happy evolution is being taught anywhere in the United States.

wojr

Labels: News, Political, Religion, Youtube

  ¶ 6:52 PM 3 comments links to this post   

  And I Would Have Gotten Away With It Too, If It Weren't For...

Found on Reuters:

CALGARY, Alberta (Reuters) - A man suspected of stealing a loaded beer truck was nabbed after a police dog followed a trail of beer and clothes to find him hiding on top of a porch, Edmonton police said on Tuesday.

The police dog was called out to a parking lot in the western Canadian city on Monday morning where a beer delivery truck, recently stolen outside a liquor store, had been abandoned after a collision.

Edmonton police spokeswoman Karen Carlson said the dog and its handler followed a trail of discarded beer, a cooler, a hand cart and pieces of clothing to a nearby apartment building.

Before we get down to the snark, let’s make one thing abundantly clear. None of the wojr.com staff have ever been to Canada, let alone Calgary. While the evidence of this case might hold similarities with the known modus operandi of our employees, we all have ironclad alibis.

Now, on to the snide remarks…

For the second day in a row, wojr.com needs to sarcastically applaud the superlative efforts of law enforcement. Through the hard work and expertise of their K-9 unit, the Edmonton Police Department managed to track their suspect’s trail of:

Discarded beer.

Discarded pieces of clothing.

A Cooler

A Hand Cart

Good thing that dog was there. I mean, how could the limited senses of a human being been expected to follow such a veiled trail as this?

Not since the early days of Scooby Doo and his Corporation of Mystery has a canine been so integral to the solving of such a mysterious crime, but that isn’t why I found this case so interesting.

This dastardly Case of the Pilfered Pilsner just further strengthens one of wojr.com’s theories of criminal behavior:

If there is a man hiding on top of your porch, he’s guilty of something.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 2:00 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Best Use of the Word “RECKON” Ever - EVER

Found on theindychannel.com (via fleshbot.com NSFW):

Man RECKONS Santa-Playing Days Over After Indecency Arrest

LOGANSPORT, Ind. -- A man who has portrayed Santa Claus was one of several men arrested in a two-day crackdown on sexual activity at a Logansport park this week, police said.

John Hopkins, 60, was arrested Wednesday at Spencer Park after he grabbed an undercover officer, according to Kokomo police, who helped Logansport police with the sting.

The white-bearded Hopkins told police that he has played Santa in the past. When an investigator found in Hopkins' truck a flier about an upcoming holiday event, Hopkins said he guessed he couldn't play Santa anymore because of the arrest, police said.

First off, a big congratulations to the Kokomo police for now making public bathrooms safe from cruising homosexuals. I don’t RECKON that I’ll ever have to worry about a gay man coming on to me in public bathroom ever again.

By the way, is Kokomo pronounced cow-ko-mo or cock-oh-mo? I RECKON it’s the latter.

Anwho, we can now add another occupation to the list of jobs homosexuals we RECKON they can not do. They can’t kill Iraqis, they can’t teach children without offering them a handjob, and now they can’t sit in the center of a mall & sell overpriced Polaroids.

“But wojr, you aren’t a parent. You don’t know what…”

Yes, for all I RECKON, I’m not a parent. Thanks to condoms, the pull & pray method and long spans of self-imposed celibacy, I have no offspring. (If I’m wrong on that reckoning, please let me know. I don’t want anyone reckoning that I’m a deadbeat dad.)

I don’t have to worry about the well-being of any children, but if I did I would still RECKON one thing. Being a homosexual does not make one a pedophile, just like being a parent does not make one a homophobe. Nor does it give you the right to be one.

Why shouldn’t John Hopkins be allowed to portray Santa Claus? He certainly looks the part and as long as we don’t have grown men sitting on his lap, I RECKON there wouldn’t be any incidents.

Oh and Mr. Hopkins, sir, I RECKON I have some advice for you as well. I’m not really up on my homosexual fetishes and such, but I RECKON there has to be some guys out there looking to get it on with Santa. You know, some nice gents that want you to jump down their chimney, fill their stockings with coal or munch on their milk and cookies. (Munch on their cookies? I can do better than that. How about “tell them they’ve been naughty or nice”? Does that work?) I would check the Internet there, St. Nick, and see what you can dig up.

I RECKON that there has got to be better cruising options out there for Santa Claus than public restrooms.

Just like I RECKON there has got to better uses for the Kokomo police department than busting a horny Santa Claus.

Ooo I wanna take you down to kokomo
We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow
Thats where we wanna go
Way down to kokomo

wojr

Labels: News, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 7:43 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  GOP Soon To Resort to Chewbacca Defense

Normally, I try to leave discussions involving the political realm to Neerajimus Pai, but he went and stole my lightning-singed anus story. So, what’s a fella to do?

Found on news.aol.com:

Lawmaker Says 'Hastert Didn't Kill Anybody' in Foley Case

HARTFORD, Connecticut (Oct. 12) - Republican Rep. Christopher Shays defended the House speaker's handling of a congressional page scandal, saying no one died like during the 1969 Chappaquiddick incident involving Democratic Sen. Ted Kennedy.

"I know the speaker didn't go over a bridge and leave a young person in the water, and then have a press conference the next day," the embattled Connecticut congressman told The Hartford Courant in remarks published Wednesday.

"Dennis Hastert didn't kill anybody," he added.

I find myself hard pressed to refute such an argument. Using Shays’ rationale, Mark Foley shouldn’t be chastised since all he did was send some Instant Messages. Come on, no one died. Dammit, no one even got their anus scorched. No harm, no foul.

Next up has to be the Chewbacca Defense:

Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, the Democrats would certainly want you to believe that the Speaker of the House wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!

It doesn’t take a political strategist, which I am definitely not, to realize Shays was out to remind the populace of Ted Kennedy’s glorious past given that Kennedy has being campaigning for Shays’ Democratic opponent, Diane Farrell.

Shays wanted the press. He tried to burn his name in the frontal lobe of a few voters. He also wanted to remind the voters that Republicans are not the only ones prone to political scandal.

And scandal is the best way to get press. Arguing policy and agendas can not generate one percent of the media attention of a good 'cigar in a cooter' story.

It depresses me. Not as much as another Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton headline, but it still feels like a swift quick to the crotch. So, I’ll try to leave those stories to the Indian.

Oh and Raj, when you comment on a story about a lady that shot lighting from her pooper, the important remaining question is not “what happens if she was wearing rubber pants?” It’s “how’s her cooter doing?”

Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Cooter facsimile, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending Republicans, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca!

Does that make sense?

wojr

Labels: Chewbacca, News, Political

  ¶ 4:06 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Bronc Will Not Scare Me Into Editing This Post

Found on angolapress.com (via attu):

Nairobi, 10/10 - A Kenyan court Monday sentenced a couple to 18 months in prison each for having sexual relations inside a Mosque at Gilgil, about 100-km northwest of Nairobi.

Naivasha Senior Magistrate John Kingori called the act by Peter Kimani and Jennifer Wairimu, "abominable" to religion and dismissed their plea for leniency.

The couple, caught in the act 3 October, claimed they were under the influence of alcohol.

Kimani said he thought he was inside a hotel room while Wanjiru claimed she was too drunk to remember what happened.

There but for the grace of Allah go I. Given my history of alcohol consumption and drunken sluttiness, that could easily have been me.

Except for the whole Nairobi part.

Eighteen months does sound very severe but the Indecent Exposure and Public Lewdness Statutes for some states are much worse. And by states I mean the ones in the United States.

Of America.

The maximum sentence for such an offense in Maryland, South Carolina and Louisiana is THREE YEARS. Hell, I’ve been drunk and exposed in Louisiana.

I wanted some beads.

Now, those three year sentences coupled with monetary fines represent the maximum, but I can not imagine those same states would look too fondly on the concepts of a religious structure and the act of fornication. I bet the mere notion of a blowjob in a sacristy would result in a lynching or, better yet, a shotgun wedding in those states.

So, I think Jennifer and Peter got off pretty light. But I wonder...

I wonder if they’ll be able to share a cell.

I wonder if that was their first date.

I wonder if Jennifer and Peter are common African names.

I wonder if Peter at least got to "finish".

I wonder who I was referring to when I used “a blowjob in a sacristy” as a hypothetical.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Intoxication, News, Religion, Sex

  ¶ 4:24 PM 5 comments links to this post   

  Ronald McDonald to Be Named Diddy’s Bitch

On this special day, the 420th day in the Age of Diddy, the splendiferous one himself has news.

Found on yahoo.com:

MIAMI - Diddy will soon be adding some sizzle to Burger King's marketing efforts. Hip hop mogul Sean "Diddy" Combs has agreed to join Burger King Corp.'s promotional efforts as the world's No. 2 hamburger chain reaches out into the entertainment, fashion and music world, the Miami-based company said in a statement Tuesday.

Known in the past as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy, the artist known as Diddy is set to appear in an upcoming Burger King advertisement campaign. Financial terms were not disclosed.

"Sean 'Diddy' Combs is a pop culture icon, and we're thrilled to be able to collaborate, using the breadth of his talents as an artist, entrepreneur and change agent to impact and inspire our guests," said Russ Klein, president of global marketing, strategy and innovation at Burger King.

…

“I'm having it my way on this album, and it's been a great journey for me, so I'm grateful for partners like Burger King Corporation that are helping me bring a fresh sound to my fans," Diddy said. "They share my passion for being tastemakers and giving the people what they want."

So many comments in my head – must get them out as quickly as possible.

How does Burger King plan to reach out into the fashion world? Will Sean John be offering a new line for the Whopper sized consumers? Will those cardboard king hats become haute couture?

“Known in the past as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy”? Despite his self-proclaimed name change, isn’t Diddy known in the present as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy as well? If I say “Puff Daddy” or “Puffy”, will people just not know who I’m talking about?

How is the Burger King Corporation helping Diddy bring a fresh sound to his fans? Are they in the studio with him? Telling the glorious one which songs to steal – er.. sample?

“Diddy will soon be adding some sizzle.” Oh yeah, a white person wrote that line and was damn proud to do so. In addition, if it’s flame broiled is there sizzle? Probably there is, I’m just equating sizzle with frying.

Diddy admits that he has a passion for giving people what they want, further showing his Christ-like qualities. Cross over children. All are welcome. All welcome. Go into the Diddy. There is peace and serenity in the Diddy. Carol Anne - listen to me. Do NOT go into the Diddy. Stop where you are. Turn away from it. Don't even look at it. Ahh.. Sorry, I let that one get away from me. Don't know what came over me.

Are there any official agencies that monitor who can be called change agents or tastemakers? I’m not saying that Diddy can’t lay claim to such titles. Hell, Diddy can start calling himself Baron, Lord or Messiah and I’m down with that. But what about the wannabes? What’s stopping me from saying that I’m a tastemaker (no matter how much Pineapple juice I drink)? Plus, is Burger King really a tastemaker? I mean, they didn’t invent the hamburger. They just hopped on the fast food bandwagon. It’s not like I follow their lead in making any purchasing choices. Burger King is just a house of lies.

“The World’s No.2 Hamburger Chain”? To quote the late pop culture icon and tastemaker, Rodney Dangerfield, “Always look out for No.1, just don’t step in No.2.”

And so, the Age of Diddy continues…

wojr

Labels: Diddy, News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 1:09 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Further Proof that Lawyers Are Akin to Vampires

I really wasn’t feeling well this weekend. Not really sick, just a general malaise. Thus, my ass was firmly planted on my couch as I caught up with my Tivo and DVDs (both purchased and Netflixed).

During the massive media digestion, my normal disgust with legal warnings reached near epic proportions. Let me walk you through it.

First up, the FBI and/or Interpol warnings. They’ve been on every DVD or VHS I’ve ever watched. I think that’s true for everyone else in this country. Obviously, it’s doing a bang-up job combating video piracy. That was sarcasm. In terms of crime deterrence, that warning isn’t even a speed bump. It’s so worthless that some companies have added commercials dissuading acts of piracy. Why these ads look like they were shot in 1986 with a budget of twenty dollars is beyond me. Just like understanding why the ads lack the presence of any minorities. Are only white folk pirates?



The anti-crime legal warning is then followed, when applicable, by the company’s disclaimer that the views expressed on any commentaries are not the views of the parent company, their subsidiaries, any affiliates, the Tijuana whore that gave their marketing department the Clap or even Whistler’s mother. Good thing that’s there given the recent rash of commentary-based lawsuits. I mean, if Shannon Doherty hasn’t sued anyone based on crappy things said about her in commentaries, I think we’re safe.

The most sadistic part of this process is the film companies’ unwillingness to allow the consumer to fast forward through these parts. No, you need to wait long enough for even the most inbred of hillbillies to be able to read these legal statements. Actually, let me that back. I don’t want to get sued by an inbred individual for inferring that they read slower than those of us spawned by people lacking close genetic ties. I’m sure they read just fine despite any genetic deformities. Just like I’m sure only white people steal.

But I digress...

The entertainment industry has a long history of litigation, so the input of their legal counsel probably holds great weight – definitely more than some cranky white guy that spent most of his weekend on his couch. Given that track record of litigious behavior, the following news item seemed apropos to include here.

Found on cnn.com:

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Internet search leader Google is snapping up YouTube for $1.65 billion, brushing aside copyright concerns to seize a starring role in the online video revolution.

The all-stock deal announced Monday unites one of the Internet's marquee companies with one of its rapidly rising stars. It came just a few hours after YouTube unveiled three separate agreements with media companies to counter the threat of copyright-infringement lawsuits.

The price makes YouTube Inc., a still-unprofitable startup, by far the most expensive purchase made by Google during its eight-year history. Last year, Google spent $130.5 million buying a total of 15 small companies.

Although some cynics have questioned YouTube's staying power, Google is betting that the popular video-sharing site will provide it an increasingly lucrative marketing hub as more viewers and advertisers migrate from television to the Internet.

I recall reading an article in Wired from earlier this year describing youtube founders, Steven Chen and Chad Hurley, making the rounds at some tech brouhaha. They were refusing to discuss any offers for their company under a billion dollars. Look at what one plug from Dane Cook can do for your asking price.

Now, youtube has been under legal fire for copyright infringement and as Warren Ellis hypothesizes on his site:

[N]ow it’s been valued at 1.65 BILLION dollars. If you don’t think everyone and their wife is now going to start suing Google for illegally broadcasting copyrighted material, you’re insane. You’re also insane if you think the companies who weren’t somehow placated by YouTube into not destroying them a few months ago didn’t already have suits prepared and in the drawer waiting for the exact second this was announced.

At which point they get Napstered: just papered into oblivion by legal action.

1.65 billion American dollars, for some perspective, buys around forty tons of cocaine. Which may, in the long run, prove to be a better investment.

I like youtube. They don’t make me watch legal disclaimers before their videos. If they did, I bet they would let me fast forward through them with relative ease. No need to press stop-stop-menu to get where I need to go. Plus, they have Dave Chappelle singing the theme song from Different Strokes.



Enjoy it while it lasts – before the vampire lawyers swoop down and suck the life of it. Faster than a Tijuana whore can snort up 40 tons of cocaine.

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Snide Remarks, Youtube

  ¶ 12:10 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  An Affront to the Sanctimony of Alimony

Found on baynews9.com (via attu):

A Seminole man is fighting to stop alimony payments to his ex-wife because the woman is now a man.

Lawrence Roach says his ex-wife has had a sex change and is now living as a man with a new identity. Roach says he should be allowed discontinue $1,200 in monthly alimony payments.

"This isn't right. It's humiliating to me and degrading," Roach said. "You know, I'm a man and I don't want to be paying alimony to a man. If you can't be married to a man legally, how can you legally pay alimony to a man?"

Let’s take a moment and bask in that. Just sit back, relax and repeat after me.

“I’m a man and I don’t want to be paying alimony to a man.”

Allow the warmth and human compassion of that statement to just wash over you.

Now, Lawrence Roach is listed in phone book. Taking that information and the wonder that is Google Earth, I was shocked to find that Lawrence does not live in a home of the mobile variety. He lives in a house and appears to have one of the greener lawns on his block.

I guess that’s why we’re reading about his plight via a respectable news outlet and not seeing it on an episode of Springer.

"If you can’t be married to a man legally, how can you legally pay alimony to a man?"

Opposed to illegally paying alimony to a man, Lawrence? The state of Florida needs to crack down on those illegal alimony payments. It’s bordering on a crime epidemic.

Lawrence most likely will lose his suit. He needs his ex to either die or remarry to stop the alimony payments.

Personally, if I was in Lawrence’s situation, I’d probably just keep my mouth shut, pay the alimony and hope my ex-wife meets a nice lady to re-marry. No need to let everybody know my ex is now sporting man parts.

I just hope, for Lawrence’s sake, that the ex-wife is into the ladies now. If she/he still likes the dudes, then you might see Lawrence campaigning for gay marriage to get out of his alimony dilemma.

wojr

Labels: Crackers, News, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 8:20 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  The Worst “Girls Gone Wild” Tape – EVER

We have this item sent by wojr.com correspondent, Sir Phillip of Beum, found on thewbalchannel.com:

The women were volunteers with the Frederick Youth Sports Association and said they only intended to raise the spirits of the 7-year-old and 8-year-old girls during a youth football game last week.

With the consent of head coach Debbie Wheaton, assistant Christine Smith drew a smiley face on her own stomach -- then flashed the smiley face to get the girls to smile.

But Association president Kathy Carey wasn't smiling when she received three complaints. The coaches were dismissed two days later.

Even though Smith said she only exposed three inches of her stomach, Carey said it was inappropriate.

This article raises several points:

How much does it suck to get dismissed from a gig that you are VOLUNTEERING for? You’re working for free – sacrificing your time and energy. The least they could do is let you show off your tight abs. (I’m assuming the abs are tight, just like I’m assuming the two coaches are eighteen and virginal. This is my blog, right?)

Three inches of stomach equaled three complaints? Coincidence, I think not! I bet if they showed off four inches they would have racked up more – hell, they might have actually exposed belly buttons then. Seriously, get out your rulers and look at how small three inches actually is. I mean, I’m even bigger than that!

Now, from this article, some might assume Kathy Carey is a prude. Personally, I don’t know her, but I can not imagine that one gets to be President of the FREDERICK YOUTH SPORTS ASSOCIATION without having a burning fire of determination in her very soul. You know, the kind of fire and strength of will that translates very well to the bedroom. (Again, I’m assuming but it’s my blog and I’ve been sexually deprived since my girlfriend moved to the other side of the country.)

Were the three complaints from overweight people? I bet they were jealous tubbies. Or Muslim extremists. Or fat Muslim extremists.

If the cheerleaders need people to lift THEIR spirits, they must be sucky cheerleaders. Even if they were only seven or eight.

I imagine that if the cheerleaders were seven or eight, then the kids playing football were the same age. Christ, Bronc’s mom never let him play football at any age, yet these parents are letting these youngsters play. Are their skulls even fully formed yet? Maybe these fat Muslim parents should stop worrying about that extra inch of midriff and focus on the physical well-being of these kids.

If you failed to click on the link above, “Beum” is Scottish Gaelic for “to blow”.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 12:00 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Which Hole Does This One Go In?

Following last week’s butt plug modeled after George Dubya, we know have a product that is less disturbing but should inspire greater disdain.

The Dashboard Mohammed!

It's pretty simple, really. The Dashboard Mohammed is nothing more than an attempt at a clever play on the Dashboard Jesus. It's a bobble head that can be placed on the dashboard of your car, your monitor at work, in your shower, anywhere you need spiritual uplifting and guidance.

Allah help us if someone’s pooper needs uplifting. That flower/lit fuse does not look too pleasing.

This comes mere days after I read the following article on news.yahoo.com (via silentbobspeaks.com):

BAGHDAD (AFP) - Iraqi Shiite residents of Baghdad's Sadr City have expressed anger on over [sic] a picture of a grinning Jesus they mistook for a Shiite holy figure that appeared in the area after a joint US-Iraqi operation.

Residents found a picture of "Buddy Jesus" from the 1999 film "Dogma" posted in the streets, accompanied by a badly photocopied pamphlet bearing a crude approximation of a US military crest and outlining a US "plan" to subjugate the neighborhood.

"That picture abuses our Imam Mahdi and his holy character, and mocks our sacred figures," said resident Abu Riyam Sunday, apparently mistaking the satirical movie still of Jesus for one of Shiite Islam's historical imams, whose images adopt a Jesus-like iconography.

God, I loved Kevin Smith’s script for Dogma.

"I give you... The Buddy Christ. Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it... pop? Buddy Christ..."

The Shiite’s don’t like a kindler, gentler Christ – One that just pops? One that just cries out to be on your dashboard?

Something tells me they’ll just hate the Dashboard Mohammed.

Coming to a jihad near you!

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 6:01 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Dog Bites Man Is Not News (Even If The Man Is A Drunken German Cowboy)

So, this is how the internet greets me today – found on abcnews.com:

Johansson Likes Her Hourglass Figure

NEW YORK Sep 18, 2006 (AP) Scarlett Johansson struts her stuff in cleavage-baring dresses on the red carpet, but in real life, she'd rather remain a mystery.

"I can't stand those articles where people spill their life story," Johansson says in the October issue of InStyle magazine, on newsstands Friday. "After a while I feel like I know more about them than their best friend does and that's weird. It's better when you don't know everything."

…

She's more confident about her hourglass figure. "I'm curvy I'm never going to be 5'11' and 120 pounds. But I feel lucky to have what I've got."

Not only is this article basically an advertisement for the October issue of InStyle magazine pretending to be a news story, it’s not even news.

(Yeah, it's not InStyle magazine, but I just like that picture.)

Scarlett Johansson coming to the conclusion that she has an attractive body, the same conclusion an overwhelming consensus of both men and women already agree on, is not news. If it was, I’d be reading articles about how Brad Pitt likes his abs, how Peter North likes his penis (and money shots), and how I’m proud of my cunnilingus skills*.

This story is lower than Man Bites Dog, let alone Dog Biting Man. Of course, Man Bites Panda trumps them all – found on aol.com:

Man Bites Panda at Beijing Zoo

BEIJING (Sept. 20) - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.

See that’s a news story. Moronic and ultimately inconsequential but still a news story. Plus, when you see that it’s not the only drunken foreigner having fun with animals – found on ananova.com:

Drunken cowboy arrested

A drunken German cowboy was arrested after he rode his horse into several pubs looking for a nightcap.

The 33-year-old trotted with his mount into several saloons in Geseke requesting: "Just one for the road - and an apple for Hendrik."

Hendrik the horse plodded faithfully around the town as his master fired a cap gun and at one stage fell off.

It wasn't long before the sherrif [sic] arrived and the night ended with the midnight cowboy sleeping it off in the local cells.

Hendrik was bedded down for the night at a stable with police horses. His owner faces a charge of being drunk in charge of a horse and a fine.

“Drunken Foreigners Abusing Animals” has the makings of a Fox News Special Report if you ask me. Push comes to shove, they can always ask Scarlett Johansen for her thoughts on this social epidemic. That's if they don't have video of the Man Biting the Panda.

By the way, Drunken German Cowboys? Really?

wojr

*Any news outlets interested in interviewing me about my cunnilingus skills can email me at wojr@aol.com.

Labels: Intoxication, News, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 6:44 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Wojr’s Week in World of the Hip to the Hop

As we enter this 395th day in the Age of Diddy, wojr.com turns its gaze to the world of hip-hop (At least, what wojr’s white ass believes to be the world of hip-hop).

Bobbie Brown and Whitney Houston managed to sustain fourteen years of marriage. That’s quite an accomplishment. Of course, it is easier when Angelina Jolie isn’t chasing your man, but fourteen “Crack is Whack”, batshit crazy years of marital bliss is nothing to thumb your nose at. Even to wipe off the cocaine.

Fourteen years, man. I don’t know about you guys, but that makes me feel:

• Old as balls, given how I remember both Whitney’s and New Edition’s debut albums.
• Still unclear on this whole sanctity of marriage thing the Right keeps wanting to protect.

But it’s all over now. From eonline.com:

Being Mrs. Bobby Brown no longer appeals to Whitney Houston.

The "So Emotional" singer has filed for divorce from her husband of 14 years, citing irreconcilable differences, her rep, Nancy Seltzer, confirmed to E! News.

The court documents were filed Friday in Orange County, California. Though the filing was technically for a legal separation, Seltzer said Houston was referring to it as a divorce, as that was her intent.

However, Brown's attorney, Phaedra Parks, emphasized that the split had not yet reached that stage.

"It is a legal separation. It is not a divorce or a divorce petition," Parks told the Associated Press Wednesday.

You got admit Brown’s tenacity but I think there’s another suitor competing for Houston’s attentions.

Found on accesshollywood.com (via some website I fail to recall):

The New York Post quoted Boof as saying [Osama] bin Laden told her [Whitney] Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

Boof said he even talked about spending a lot of money to go to the U.S. and meet her

She said he wanted to give Houston a mansion and he'd be willing to break his color rule and make her one of his wives.

As for Houston's husband Bobby Brown, Boof said bin Laden talked about having him killed.

Who knows? This separation might just be an effort on Whitney's part to save Bobby’s life?

“Run, Bobby! Don’t let Bin Laden get you. Run to Diddy, he’ll protect you. Wait, don’t take the crack with you! That’s my crack. Osama, pop a cap in that--”

Sorry, let that get away from me there, but speaking of Diddy-

Found on eonline.com:

ANOTHER NAME CHANGE: Sean Combs agreeing to stop using the name Diddy in the U.K. as part of a settlement with British music producer Richard "Diddy" Dearlove, who sued the rap mogul for unfair competition. At least he has plenty of other names to fall back on.

Now that’s just cold. Some English Dick (his name is Richard) is trying to bring the Age of Diddy to a premature halt. Didn’t he see what happened to Tupac?

I’m not worried though. The Diddy is strong. He can protect Bobby Brown from Osama if he so chooses. But he can be merciful, too. The Diddy can be kind. It’s what makes him Christ-like.

Besides it’s only England.

That’s all for this week in the hip to the hop. Next week, we’ll try to track down Bobby McFerrin whose year of retirement was up on August 15th. Time to get back to work, son.

wojr

Labels: Crackers, Diddy, Hollywood, News, Political, Whores

  ¶ 3:36 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  “Isn't that just like a woj? Brings a knife to a gun fight!”

Found on krqe.com (via attu):

ALBUQUERQUE -- A shooting victim is in critical condition this morning after being shot in a supermarket parking lot.

Witnesses told KRQE News 13 the fight broke out Monday night between a man with a samurai sword and another man who had a gun.

Emergency personnel were called to the Albertsons at Eubank and Candelaria NE just before 8 p.m. after a man staggered in with a gunshot wound to his chest. The name of the man believed to be in his 30s has not been released.

Witnesses described the scene in the parking lot as being like something out of a movie.

“The victim pulled out that sword, and then the guy in the white shirt whipped out the revolver and shot him,” witness Erin Hurst said.

wojr.com, through its network of ace reporters, has found actual footage from the crime.

If you have small children, we advise you to have them leave the room.



Again, it made me laugh and really that is all that matters.

wojr

Labels: News, Youtube

  ¶ 12:59 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Scientology Conspiracy Theory #24420 or How Xenu & the Galactic Confederacy Can Save Suri’s Soul, Just Not Travolta’s

wojr.com would like to offer this brief recap on This Week in Scary Scientology:

We started off the week with Brooke Shield’s disclosure that Tom Cruise had apologized to her for saying she violated his religion’s doctrine on medication and postpartum depression. (Which in Cruise’s defense, she did violate.) Brooke, however, still owes me an apology for Suddenly Susan.

Then Katie Couric debuted her sweet ass on CBS with the unveiling of Vanity Fair’s pictures of the second coming, Suri. (I used to have such the hankering for Katie Holmes. Now, she's lost to me. It's almost like when a porn star finds God and quits the biz.)

So, it’s pretty obvious that Cruise is trying to trying to clean up his public image. You know, the one where he’s bat-shit crazy.

However, this week also saw the National Enquirer reveal this image of John Travolta kissing a dude:

Not that there's anything wrong with that. (I'm just saying that to kowtow to my gay and lesbian audience. There is something very wrong with that photo.)

And then USA today released this image of Travolta reprising Divine's role of Edna Turnblad in the upcoming film, Hairspray:

I wouldn't hit that with Vitti's dick.

Jenna Elfman and Jason Lee, strangely enough, were not in the news at all this week. However, I will slip a quote from a Jason Lee role at the end of the piece and Jenna Elfman still owes me an apology for Dharma & Greg.

So, here’s my conspiracy theory:

I think the Church of Scary Scientology is offering up John Travolta to the mass media as a sacrificial lamb in order to save Tom Cruise.

I can understand their thinking. Travolta is the king of the cinematic comeback. He can weather the storm, play around with his planes and wait for the next Tarantino to cast him in something hip.

Tom Cruise can't handle a comeback. The boy can't handle a blemish. He might self implode and then sue himself to re-assert his heterosexuality.

Overall, I'm not impressed with these actions. I expected more from my L. Ron peeps. I think their battle against Xenu is distracting them from their Public Relations duties.

Now, if Cruise apologized to that "erotic wrestler" he sued, then we’re talking about something.

Anything else is just "bullshit posturing". (Thank you, Banky Edwards!)

And by the way, wojr.com does not owe any apologies.

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 2:03 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Was One of the Seven Dwarves Named Clumsy? Or Better Yet Dirty?

Found on ajc.com (via attu):

Dwarf sues state over fall from sink

Byron "B.J." Rhodan never feared for his safety in Georgia's bare-knuckled prison system, even though he's a dwarf.

But an insistent guard and a slippery sink led to his downfall, Rhodan alleges in an ongoing federal lawsuit against the state Department of Corrections.

Rhodan, who stands 4 feet 1 inches tall, has spent about 20 months in prison for dealing marijuana and possessing methamphetamine, according to state records.

In the lawsuit, Rhodan claims that in April 2004 a guard at the state prison in Jackson told him to shave. Rhodan told the guard he could not reach the mirror above the sink in his cell. The guard, according to Rhodan, told him to stand on the sink. Rhodan fell off the sink onto the cement floor in his cell, according to the suit.

Rhodan claims he severely injured his back in the fall. His back already undergone multiple surgeries as a result of the genetic disorder causing his dwarfism.

The Alpharetta man spoke about his claims against the prison system at the downtown Atlanta offices of his lawyer, Eldridge Suggs IV.

And..

Rhodan, now 23, is trying to get his life back together. An aspiring rapper and songwriter known as "Lil Dirty," Rhodan is enrolled in a media and audio production program at an Atlanta university.

Rhodan doesn't shave these days. He now sports a full beard and mustache. He still bears the artwork of prison life — tattoos cover his arms, including drawings of a joker and SpongeBob SquarePants.

Rhodan's stature otherwise never posed a problem in prison, he said. He mostly wrote lyrics and minded his own business.

But he has no plans of going back.

"The way I feel about prison is that you only live one time, and I just can't see spending all my time in prison," Rhodan said. "There's just more to life than being caged in and disrespected."

I forwarded this story to Broncatello immediately. His fondness for the wee folk has been well documented. Also, he too feels there’s just more to life than being caged in and disrespected.

Initially, I had just found it funny how 1. the story is about a dwarf in prison 2. there obviously aren’t enough dwarves to warrant their own tiny prison (aka the wee house) 3. the dwarf’s nickname is synonymous with a hummer and 4. the writer of the story had described the prison system as being bare-knuckled, as opposed to a covered-knuckled prison system.

After reading the article, Bronc replied with his own set of highlights:

1. I’ve got to see what the lawyer "Eldridge Suggs IV" Looks like.
2. "An aspiring rapper and songwriter known as 'Lil Dirty'."
3. "He still bears the artwork of prison life — tattoos cover his arms, including drawings of a joker and SpongeBob SquarePants."

Now the notion of a rapper named ‘Lil Dirty’, by reminding me of the stupendous loss of ODB, Old Dirty Bastard, saddened me greatly. (Bit of trivia – today marks the TENTH anniversary of Tupac’s death. Brotha has made a lot of records in ten years.) But I was determined to find a picture of Eldridge Suggs the Fourth for my friend, Broncatello.

Thanks to google, I found Suggs' website.

It has all his information except the link to his picture is broken. Interesting enough, Eldridge Suggs Numero Quattro, graduated from UC Irvine in 1994 and finished law school a year later at Arizona State. One year of law school – even Neerajimus failed to pull that feat off.

Speaking of feats that could not be pulled off, I could not find a photo of Suggs. I even looked on Myspace.com.

So, I guess Bronc will have to settle for a pic of a Spongebob tattoo.


Given that it’s on a little boy, he should be fine with it.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, News, The Wee Folk

  ¶ 5:21 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Just So We Can Claim to Have an Indian Affairs Correspondent

As a follow up to this wojr.com post, our Senior Indian Affairs Correspondent, the Lord of Truth, has forwarded us this story from abc.com:

Sanju Bhagat's stomach was once so swollen he looked nine months pregnant and could barely breathe.

Living in the city of Nagpur, India, Bhagat said he'd felt self-conscious his whole life about his big belly. But one night in June 1999, his problem erupted into something much larger than cosmetic worry.

An ambulance rushed the 36-year-old farmer to the hospital. Doctors thought he might have a giant tumor, so they decided to operate and remove the source of the bulge in his belly.

One doctor recalled that day in the operating room. "He just put his hand inside and he said there are a lot of bones inside," she said. "First, one limb came out, then another limb came out. Then some part of genitalia, then some part of hair, some limbs, jaws, limbs, hair."

At first glance, it may look as if Bhagat had given birth. Actually, Mehta had removed the mutated body of Bhagat's twin brother from his stomach. Bhagat, they discovered, had one of the world's most bizarre medical conditions — fetus in fetu. It is an extremely rare abnormality that occurs when a fetus gets trapped inside its twin. The trapped fetus can survive as a parasite even past birth by forming an umbilical cordlike structure that leaches its twin's blood supply until it grows so large that it starts to harm the host, at which point doctors usually intervene.

Was it really necessary to point out the appearance of the genitalia? Wasn’t the litany of limbs, hair and limbs enough? Plus, how many limbs did that twin have? I lost count at six.

And what the hell is going on in India? First, a guy with two dicks and now one with eight limbed mutant freaks in their stomach?

Where are the good old days when all you needed was a hunchback or a nice sized goiter to freak people out?

And what happened to hunchbacks, anyhow? They’ve become harder to find than your run of the mill mad scientist. I miss me a good mad scientist.

Of course, I haven’t been looking for them in India, churning out mutant freaks that take the jobs of good ol’ American freaks.

Next up from our Senior Indian Affairs Correspondent, the Lord of Truth: an in-depth analysis of General Custer’s Battle at the Little Bighorn.

wojr

Labels: News

  ¶ 12:52 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  If I Had a Quarter for Every Time My Grandmother Wanted an Obscene License Plate

Found on local6.com (via attu):

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A Central Ohio grandmother fought for and won the right to keep her personalized license plate after allegations that they were profane.

Pat Niple, 74, said she wants to set the record straight about her problem, WCMH-TV reported.

"I'm not an obscene granny," Niple said.

Niple's personalized license plates are NWTF, an abbreviation of Northwood Tree Farm -- a business she owned with her late husband. It also means something else, officials said.

Niple went to an Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles office to get some answers. A clerk had to whisper what the acronym means to some people.

"Now what the – and the last word begins with an 'f,'" Niple said.

Fleshpopsicle? I bet it was fleshpopsicle.

Now, while I find it somewhat funny that the woman is a grandmother and even funnier that her last name is Niple, I only point this story out in order to tell a story of my own.

The other day, I ran out of the office to grab some lunch – a salad for those of you keeping score at home.

However, I forgot to bring my cell phone with its built-in camera, so I was not able to take a picture of what I saw – but I’ll try my best to describe the sight.

A brand new Ford Mustang pulls up to the intersection next to my office with the following vanity license plate:

“♥KMLTOE”

Loves Cameltoe?

Gotta give the guy points for his testicular fortitude in sporting that license plate. Of course, he might have just lost a bet.

Either way, I wish I had brought my phone because a picture would have been a whole lot interesting than this.

Actually, now that I think about it - I apologize for even wasting your time with this story. This long, boring story about license plates, grandmothers and "how when a woman's pants are so tight, the fabric actually creeps into their beaver".

If you feel like your time has been wasted reading this post, email me your mailing address at hatemail@wojr.com and I’ll mail you a quarter for your troubles. (One request honored per household.)

Here’s a picture of the quarter to make up for the lack of a photo of that Cameltoe license plate:


wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 12:15 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  The Man with Two Dicks Picks Hitler over Hilton

For today’s post, wojr.com is going to include a little trivia:

What 1993 film was Mel Gibson’s directorial debut?

We’ll tell you the answer at the end of the post.

Yesterday, The Lord of Truth forwarded me this story he found on news.yahoo.com:

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - An Indian businessman born with two penises wants one of them removed surgically as he wants to marry and lead a normal sexual life, a newspaper report said Saturday.

The 24-year-old man from the northern state of Uttar Pradesh admitted himself to a New Delhi hospital this week with an extremely rare medical condition called penile duplication or diphallus, the Times of India said.

A man with two dicks - my first reaction was “Oh, that’s going on the site.” I could make some jokes about his moral obligation to do a porno before getting the operation. I could hypothesize about what was the “straw that broke the camel’s back” that made him choose the operation now at the age of 24.

But, then I read this little factoid:

There are about 100 such reported cases of diphallus around the world and it is known to occur among one in 5.5 million men.

So, my math skills may be off, but doesn’t that mean there are at least 90 of these two dicked fuckers running China alone?

Suddenly, I’m not that impressed with diphallus. It seems routine.

Like this other story out of India found on cnn.com:

India deeming Paris Hilton's video for "Stars Are Blind" too hot for broadcast after claiming it had sexual connotations.

So, Paris is being banned by the Indians (dots not feathers). Probably payback for the thought of her playing their beloved Mother Teresa on the big screen. Who cares, right?

But then, I found this gem of a story on reuters.com:

MUMBAI (Reuters) - Israel's mission in India asked city authorities in the financial hub of Mumbai on Wednesday to get a restaurant called "Hitler's Cross" to change its name.

The restaurant, which opened last week, was promoted with posters of Hitler and Nazi swastikas, infuriating India's small Jewish population.

The restaurant's owners have said they were neither promoting Hitler nor the Nazi ideology, but would not change the restaurant's name.

They have said they would open two more branches in Mumbai with the same name by October.

Now if my logic center is working right, India has thus chosen Adolph Hitler as a more acceptable cultural influence than Paris Hilton – a notion that just fills me with some strange sense of glee.

But enough of anti-Semitism and other wacky Hollywood behavior, lets get back to Mel Gibson.

If you said that Mel’s directorial debut was The Man With Two Faces, you would be incorrect. If you got the answer wrong, don't get yourself down - I meant to mislead you.

The correct response was The Man Without a Face, which was also the big screen debut for Nick Stahl of Carnivàle fame.

As far as we know, both these men only have one penis.

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Sex, Whores

  ¶ 1:29 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Now, I’ll Never Get to Go to a Wal-Mart

Found on aol.com:

Andrew Young Resigns From Wal-Mart Post

Civil rights leader Andrew Young, who was hired to help Wal-Mart Stores Inc. improve its public image, said early Friday he was stepping down from his position as head of an outside support group amid criticism for remarks seen as racially offensive.

Considering that Young was a well know civil rights leader and an associate of Martin Luther King, I was curious to see what racially offensive remarks he had said. (We, white folk, like to keep a tally of what remarks are considered offensive for future reference.)

Well, when asked about Wal-Mart’s impact on closing smaller mom-and-pop stores, Mr. Young told the Los Angeles Sentinel that:

"Well, I think [Wal-Mart] should; they ran the ‘mom and pop’ stores out of my neighborhood. You see, those are the people who have been overcharging us, selling us stale bread and bad meat and wilted vegetables. And they sold out and moved to Florida. I think they've ripped off our communities enough. First it was Jews, then it was Koreans and now it's Arabs; very few black people own these stores."

I can see how that statement can be inflammatory, but was he wrong? Did not do his job and defend Wal-Mart’s position?

I mean, it’s not like he was Jimmy the Greek spouting off about extra African muscles. He wasn’t blaming his drunk driving on these store owners. He was being honest. He was holding up a mirror to what is actually occurring. It just wasn’t popular or politically correct.

And for that, he resigned.

Was he forced to resign? Maybe. Maybe not. However, the majority of people will believe he was pushed out the door.

I’ve never set foot in a Wal-Mart. The best way, however, to get my sorry ass in such a Mecca to consumerism would be Young’s route. Be honest with me, be up front with me and bad mouth the Arabs.

Politically correct methodology, while more pleasing to the public persona of the populace, just won’t win me over. (How’s that for alliteration?)

It’s like telling me that it is wrong to assume someone that looks this creepy would be up to no good.
And to quote Broncatello – “what sort of f'ed up thing do you have to do to get arrested and held on sex charges in BANGKOK THAILAND?”

Personally, I don’t know -- but I bet it has something to do with “bad meat and wilted vegetables”.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Crackers, News

  ¶ 2:31 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  You Show Me A White Kid Named Xerox & I'll Give You A Dollar

So really, what is in a name?

Gwyneth had a little baby girl and named her, Apple. Personally, I like the name. However, most people are just reminded that celebrities have an odd habit of bestowing unusual names to their offspring.

According to this article on MSN, some stellar names for the celebrity progeny include Rumer, Audio Science, Speck, Jermajesty and Fifi Trixibelle. Basically, the article took some cheap shots at the popular folk and insured the children's future dependence on psychological therapy.

Of course, the article fails to mention the crazy names us regular folk give their kids.

From the April issue of Psychology Today:

"Today's parents seem to believe they can alter their child's destiny by the picking the perfect - preferably idiosyncratic - name. (Destiny, incidentally, was the ninth most popular name for girls in New York City last year.) The current crop of preschoolers includes a few Uniques, with uncommonly named playmates like Kyston, Payton and Sawyer. From Dakota to Heaven, Integrity to Serenity, more babies are being named after places and states of mind."

They then go on to list some real names, seen and heard. Here are a few of my favorites:

Armani        Hutch
Atom          Larceny
Attila        Legend
Bigamy*       Loveless
Blade         Lucky
Bologna       Luscious
Camry         Maverick
Cappuccino    Oat
Cashmere*     Ptolemy
Cerulean      Rayon
Chanel        Sincerity*
Cherry*       Sparkle*
Coal          Special*
Denim         Starsky
Desperate     Timberland
Dilemma       Tookie
Dung          Toyota
Emancipation  Tragedy
Espn          Truth
Famous*       Vienna*
Halston       Xerox


The starred names need not adopt a porn name. These individuals can proceed directly to the set for their boy-boy-girl scene.

What cruel parents name their kids Loveless, Tragedy, Desperate or Dung? I mean if you really want to give your kids a feeling of individuality - give them a different family name. There are really no new family names being introduced into the name pool. Sure, we get some funky immigrant names like Wojciak to offset the Browns and Smiths, but those names are only new to you. It's not like they haven't been circulating in their home countries for hundreds of years.

So, if you want your child to be an individual, give them a different family name. Plus, it gives you plausible deniability when the kid starts messing his life up.

(By the way, do you think Starsky and Hutch might be related? I imagine them to be little twin girls. Twin girls that grow up to hot women that men will fantasy about sleeping with, but never actually will. Why? Because the only thing that sounds more homosexual then claiming, "Yeah, I banged Starsky & Hutch" is "I was gang raped by the Village People.")

wojr

Labels: Advice, News, Porn, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 4:37 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  ANOTHER REASON WHY CHILDHOOD IS BETTER THAN ADULTHOOD

McDonalds to offer Adult 'Happy Meals'? I just don't see what the hell makes these things happy? Maybe if they came with a lapdance?

From cnn.com:
Michael Jacobson, executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, credited McDonald's with taking "some small steps in the right direction" Thursday but said they don't go nearly far enough. "If McDonald's wanted to improve the public's health... it could stop using partially hydrogenated oils in its fries, which contain trans fats and are a powerful promoter of heart disease."

Ten bucks says the Center for Science in the Public Interest is funded by Burger King.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 9:01 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  No, Frank Miller Wrote the Dark Knight Returns

From the NY Times:
"At 88 Arthur Miller is busier and more productive than many playwrights half his age, with two new plays circling New York. 'I leapfrog plays,' he said during a recent interview. He explained that he will start a play, then put it aside, and often begin another. Stacked in his studio at his home in Connecticut - and in his mind - are beginnings, or at least ideas, for future works, just waiting for a spark that will send him back into action."

To me - that is utterly inspiring. It's exactly what I would want to be doing at 88 (and ties strongly into the script I'm currently working on.).

But, dude, you might want to start working on finishing that stack. You are EIGHTY-EIGHT years old. You're like OLD.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 3:09 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Yet Another Sign of the Apocalypse

From foxsports.com:
We caught the last bit of the Miss USA Pageant last night. Are they always this dense? Yes, they're all hot, but we were laughing out loud at some of their answers to pageant questions.

For example, they asked Miss Oklahoma, "If you could have dinner with one person in the world, who would it be?" Who'd she choose? President Bush? The Pope? Nelson Mandela? She thought really, really hard and came up with Justin Timberlake.

I didn't watch the Miss USA Pageant (which seems strange given my Victoria's Secret rant yesterday), but I had better things to do. So, I can't vouch for any of this, but I heard the actual question involved anyone in the world, living or dead. So, that would include Jesus, Albert Einstein and John Holmes in the list of people that JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE would have beaten.

Boy, I bet Lance Bass is pissed. I bet that hurt him almost as much as not going up on the Russian Space Taxi.

And whom did the rocket scientist from Oklahoma lose to? The pig wrestler from Missouri that likes the fast food. Too bad Jessica Simpson didn't compete; she could have walked away with this bad boy without breaking a sweat. Of course, she's married and no longer a Miss.

Seriously though, we need to start thinning the herd and I hate to say it, but the pretty ones may need to be the first people to go. I honestly think Wayne Brady "may need to choke a bitch".

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 12:30 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Alright This Has Stopped Being Funny..

From eonline.com:
Partly as a result of Janet Jackson's Super Bowl boob stunt and the current FCC crackdown on indecency, Victoria's Secret confirming it is canceling its nationally televised fashion show this year.

Stop the country, I want to get off.

Ever since I started this damn site, I've wanted to rail against this Janet Jackson Nipple-Ring Return to Sanctimony Bullshit that has been semi-sweeping the undercurrent of our country, but I didn't.

First of all, it seemed like too obvious a target. In my humble opinion, attacking Happy Days takes skill, while the Jackson issue is the easy lay-up.

Secondly, I didn't want to call any more attention to it (even what feeble attention my words would warrant). I just wanted the whole thing to go away.

BUT IT IS NOT GOING AWAY.

It is entrenching itself like a local Walmart. Here we are, almost three months later and the damn Nipplegate fiasco is still rolling. (By the way, have we now officially run out of words to slap in front of 'gate'? When is that nonsense going to end? DILDOGATE? SKEETGATE?) A millisecond flash of semi-metallic Nubian bosom during the half-time show of the year's biggest excuse for beer advertisement & consumption is robbing the American zeitgeist of whatever chutzpah it has generated since the invention of the crotchless panty. (Wait, let me bask in the glow of that sentence. AHHH!)

What really bothers me I bet if we saw Britney Spear's ta-ta instead, there would be no great uproar. (Wait, let me bask in the mental image of Britney's breast. AHHH!)

WHY?

Are bigots upset that the first breast their pre-adolescent sons saw was African-American? Newsflash: National Geographic has been providing prepubescent males (especially the repressed Baptist prepubescent males) their first glimpses of the Black Tittie for decades and no one is censoring them.

Were people hoping against hope that Janet would be the one Jackson to avoid public shame and embarrassment? Newsflash: Compared to the crap Michael and LaToya have going on, Janet would need to strap a Buick to her chest to be the degenerate of that clan. She may have staged the whole thing to take some heat away from the pedophile allegations. I don't have a sister, but if I had one that flashed her breasts to support me at a time of difficulty, she would get my props.

Were football fans around the world upset because they missed the Third Quarter because they had to explain to their children what a Nipple Adornment was? Newsflash: You all need to spend more time with your kids. Talk to them about the breasts, because breasts will find them (or vice versa). Remember your own youth, when newsstands and convenience stores housed those precious magazines filled with mysterious T&A. Now, remember that was before the advent of the Internet. So take the time now and explain the wonders of knockers to your boys and girls. And while you're at it, explain to me the whole mammary fascination. Personally, I love them. Don't know why, just do. Is it because they provided my sustenance through my newborn stage? Is it because I don't have a pair of my own? Is it all Hugh Hefner's fault? Will someone please tell me why I'm like this, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD? Because if you can't, then don't take the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show away from me.

THE TRUTH:

I cannot remember the first time my young ass saw some bare boobies. I know I did though and, as previously mentioned, I knew I liked them.

However, I do remember vividly the first time I saw a man break his leg. Lawrence Taylor sacked Joe Theisman so hard - his leg broke in three places and Theisman's career was over. The visual was utterly disgusting and forever etched on my memory. Now, I hate the whole rant how Americans are so repressed and glorify violence while abhorring sexuality, but DAMMIT, just because I hate it doesn't make it untrue. Hours of men hurling themselves at each other, putting themselves in serious physical peril over the oddest shaped pigskin ball are perfectly acceptable for your children to watch. Some gratuitous nudity calls for the rage and bile of the FCC. Strange enough, the Europeans are fine with the sex & the nudity and those bastards are ass-deep in the Catholicism. The whole thing is beyond me.

Plus, don't forget while you're watching those modern day gladiators duke it out on the 100 yards of Astroturf that the referee is about to call a television timeout for the wonders of the beer commercial. Now, who exactly are these commercials for? Not the average football fan, their fridges and coolers are stocked before the first coin toss. Not the average beer drinker, they have long ago formed their own brand loyalties based on taste and hangover potential. These ads, with their cute little lobsters and farting reindeer, are for the kids. Budweiser wants the first beer your little tyke buys from the homeless guy that hangs out behind the liquor store to be a Bud (or at the very least, Bud Light). No talking dog or clever ad is going to make the common man switch brands. It would take two chicks wrestling in a fountain to do that - but that's almost like what got us here in the first place. So, talk to your kid about beer when you're discussing the happy fun bags - it will make a great introduction to the area of beer-goggling.

Do you see a trend here? Taking to your kids? There are many, many things a parent needs to talk to their kids about. It's almost like this parenting thing would be a full-time gig, you think? With all the conversations, the monitoring of TV viewing & the Internet, plus all the feeding, bathing, and clothing. It's a wonder how some parents find time to wage their socio-political agendas that rob me of my Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Thankfully, we have special interest groups looking out for our.. well, our interests.

But before I finish, I just have to say that people would watch that Victoria's Secret show specifically for the possibility of a wardrobe malfunction. That is the whole point, and no silly pretense of half-time entertainment. Of course, eighty percent would watch to be tantalized by the possible "malfunctions", while sixty percent would watch so they could be outraged at the exposure of the nudie bits. (No, my math is not wrong. Forty percent have issues and would be both tantalized & outraged.) However, Victoria has forsaken us, because it is an Election year. It is easier for Politicians to pretend to fix our nation's moral fiber than it is to repair the Social Security situation or resolve the Iraq conundrum.

So, Janet's tit came out of its halter and saw its shadow - we're due for several more weeks of hypocrisy. Don't put your shovels into storage yet. We could be knee-deep in it by morning.

WOJR.COM - FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHT TO BOOBS

wojr

Labels: News, Porn, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 11:59 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  uhh.. congrats?

I like the guy and wish him the best, but how is this news?

wojr

Labels: News

  ¶ 9:45 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  Judas Priest is just glad they never released that eye-gouging song..

So, a man in Texas was in county jail for cutting out the hearts of his son, estranged wife & her daughter and ends up gouging his eye of its socket with his bare hands.

Why did he do it? Because the Bible told him to - "And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell." Mark 9:47

(Quick tangent: The article does not say whether or not the man, Andre Thomas, had a cellmate, but imagine if he did. Imagine you're sitting in that jail cell waiting for your arraignment and your bunkmate rips his bloody eye right out of his head with his bare hands. How's that for a 'Scared Straight' program?)

The part of the whole affair that currently bothers me is, given the fellow's inspirational source material, you just know the religious right would acknowledge the man's obvious psychological problems and shrug off any implications of fault on the Bible's part. That verse was not meant to be taken literally because, well, it's not a passage that furthers their social agendas.

But if Mr. One-Eyed Thomas had decided to mess with his depth perception due to a heavy metal song or a Miramax film, well, we would be knee-deep in their propaganda efforts by now. The man's psych issues would just become a footnote and they'd be slinging mud at the idolaters.

But forget about all that, we've got Janet Jackson's boob to rail against. One body part at a time, people.

Have a happy Holy Week.

wojr

Labels: News, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 2:00 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  "Martha Stewart Should Have Made One of Those Formation Privileges"

In what seems like a weekly trend, the front page of the LA Times disturbs me.

First off, the coverage of the bombing in Madrid continues.

Then, there is news of the gruesome mass murder up in Fresno.

But then, we have Cardinal Mahony's latest attempt to keep church documents secret in relation to priests accused of molesting children. The Cardinal claims that there was a "formation privilege" between a bishop and the priests under him (pun intended). That it is the bishop's "ecclesiastical duty to provide a lifetime of formative spiritual guidance to his priests" prevents the release of the requested information. God knows (pun not really intended) that I am all for the separation of church and state, but does anyone really believe the bishop is looking out for the individual priests in question or even protecting the penitent's right to communicate with a priest without fear of legal reprisal? He is trying to protect his own ass, first, and the public face of the church, second.

This week, the LA Weekly also ran a piece on Mahony's "hardball legal tactics in the clergy sex-abuse scandal". In it, they list 15 US bishops that have resigned or retired in relation to sexual misconduct or the cover-up of such offenses. Wait - I'm sorry - in relation to accusations of sexual misconduct or the cover-up of such supposed offenses. Mahony is just worried that he might end up #16.

Don't you think the Church should just come clean about any wrongdoings and try to put their dirty laundry behind them? I mean it worked for Hugh Grant. He admitted to his transgressions and he ended up starring in a movie called "About A Boy." Of course, he was only tied to a crack whore.

The more they try to hide the truth just adds to number of front page stories you'll see attacking the church and those front page stories only adds to the public perception of priests as potential pedophiles. Holy Alliteration, Batman! (Pun Intended)

wojr

Labels: News, Religion, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 12:14 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  Random Items I Found In My Inbox

My new favorite criminal mastermind - The mugshot says it all.

A cool way to watch the time go by.

Photos of our stalkers of the month
Darragh Delaney
Brian Reeves

An invite to a glorified kegger.

And an update on gas prices



One thing I did not get in my inbox was any emails with an out-pouring of emotion over yesterday's tragedy in Spain. Actually, no one I spoke to today even mentioned it. (Then again, I do live in the self-involved capital of the world, Los Angeles.) And that's probably why the rest of the world isn't going to be hating Spain in about two and a half years time. But that's just me.

wojr

Labels: News, Political

  ¶ 1:23 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  "He Did It For Science"

Just when I was about to give up hope on all scientific studies, Warren Ellis points me here. (The second link contains slight nudity, but only of the synthetic variety)

Visit www.diepunyhumans.com for more of Warren Ellis's items of interest.

wojr

Labels: News, Sex, Whores

  ¶ 11:43 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  wojr.com - your insipid source for news


I really don't need a judge to tell me this. But, now that Martha is taken care of, can we go after Joe Francis next?

Two snippets from eonline.com:
PLAYING THE FIELD: Angelina Jolie telling the New York Post that she's currently sleeping with men with whom she's close friends and is not seeking a serious relationship. "As crazy as it sounds, meeting a man in a hotel room for a few hours and then going back and putting my son to bed and not seeing that man again for a few months is about what I can handle now," she said. Snide quasi-metrosexual comment #1: I guess her brother was out of town.

IN SIGHT: J.Lo inking a development deal with Fox giving them first look rights to any TV projects coming out of her shingle, Nuyorican Productions, report the trades. "I started in television and love the medium," Lopez said in a statement. "We intend to be a major creative force in television." Snide quasi-metrosexual comment #2: Started in television? She was a FLY GIRL.
And for those that were wondering, the definition of Nuyorican.

For the geeks like me: Scott Tipton turns his attention to Batman: The Animated Series.

For geeks bigger than me: Well, just look and see.

And as a follow-up to my earlier rant, more body-snatching information.

wojr

Labels: Comic Books, Hollywood, News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 10:27 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  "Guaranteed for a Chuckle"

I know why we can't find Osama - look at this picture - Bastard's in Middle-Earth - "Po-tay-toes. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish. Even you couldn't say no to that."

This one is from last month, but it took me a while to find it again. "You're a naughty one. What are we going to do with you?"

Trying hard to come up with a funny intro for this one. So far, all I have is "Funny part is their office is on the 30th floor."

And here's one that needs no caption from NewsAskew.com.


wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News

  ¶ 10:22 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  "For Artistic Reasons, I kept the Judas jokes to a minimum."

I don't think tonight is going to be a big a TV night in the wojr household. Too much work to do. But the programming being offered is intriguing to say the least.

You could tune in ABC to see the TV Movie "Judas." (I bet the folks at Disney are loving all the Mel Gibson/"Passion" frenzy. "Come over to ABC and check out the less than bloody version of events - for FREE!")

Or you could go over to NBC and watch "Behind the Camera: Charlie's Angels." I will be honest. Based on the one ad I saw for it - I am tempted. Some actress doing a mean vocal impersonation of Kate Jackson's sexy voice. Wallace Langham pimped out in the sleazy 70s gear as Farrah's opportunistic hustler of a manager.

Then, I read this-

According to EONLINE.com:
"NBC cutting the final scene in its upcoming Charlie's Angels TV movie after Farrah Fawcett's former manager threatened legal action for being portrayed as an oportunistic [sic] hustler. The network claims the ending was altered was [sic] artistic reasons."

Does anyone ever believe it when they use "artistic reasons" as the excuse? Just say, "out of fear of litigation from an opportunistic hustler, we edited the show." (And who's spell-checking shit over at E!? Maybe they call it E! because entertainment is too hard to spell.)

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 10:55 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  "This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies, he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder."

The front page of Sunday's LA Times has a story about the head of the UCLA Willed Body Program being arrested for the sale of corpses and body parts. Here's the Fox news version. Also, on the front page was a companion piece examining the practice of selling body parts on a whole. The human tissue industry is thought to be worth $500 million a year. WOW! Now, I know a million dollars is not what it used to be. Hell, 500 mill is not even half of the box office take for "Return of the King". But, I was still taken back by that number.

So you want to be a caring, humane person and elect to donate your body to an organ bank or a medical school for transplant or scientific research - your physical form does one last act for good and your family eventually receives an urn of your ashes. Not a bad deal and you get an interesting conversation piece for your next cocktail party.

But then we forget about the eternal pursuit of the almighty dollar.

Here are some snippets from the LA Times article:

> "Most cadavers are dissected by first-year medical students. But surplus bodies and parts can be sent to other scientific institutions, including for-profit bio-medical corporations."

> "Like stolen cars that are chopped up and sold in pieces, bodies are worth much less than the sum of their parts."

> "Vidal Herrera, a former medical technician who runs a forensic services business called 1-800-AUTOPSY, said 'I get calls all the time from medical researchers, corporations. They want to purchase bodies or they want to purchase tissue'." Well, I guess that's what happens when you call your business 1-800-AUTOPSY. I wonder if 1-800-CORPSES was already taken?

> "[Brown] was fired after it was discovered that he had charged the university for a trip to Phoenix and sold six spines to a hospital there for $5,000."

> "[UC Irvine] auditors could account for only 121 of the 411 cadavers donated to the Willed Body Program." Outside of baseball, I would say that is a horrible average.

> "In a single transaction, [Tyler] made more than $4,000 selling 232 fingernails and 35 toenails." He must have shared my aversion to feet to get such a lopsided figure.

> And in relation to the return of the remains to the respective families - "'I have no idea what's in my mother's urn,' [Storr] said. 'It could be a dead dog, cigarette ashes, burnt newspaper. Who knows?'"

So - doesn't that seem like a fun way to help your fellow man? Makes my concerns about encountering a necrophiliac mortician after my demise seem rather inconsequential.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 8:14 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  And in the the news...

Soon to be a special on FOX - WHEN SENIORS ATTACK..

Same thing happened for all of Pauly Shore's movies, but no one noticed. - Satan really should have better things to do

Clear cut definition of schadenfreude - GUILTY
For the actual definition - click here

wojr

Labels: News

  ¶ 12:36 PM 0 comments links to this post