The Nazi Pope vs. Inmate #9818783 (or Vote for Today's Favorite Headline)

Now, I’m paraphrasing myself here, but news headlines can be peculiar things. And you don’t even need to take the time to closely examine them.

Take this article at TV Week, which just tickles my secular funny bone:

Pope To Be Named NBC Studio Head, Sources Say

Of course, the actual story is about a Katherine Pope and not my boy, Papal Benny. So, all the gullible Catholics (and atheist fans of the Peacock) can relax. The rebound pope is staying in his Italian crib. However, given that Ms. Pope is only a few months older than myself, any chuckles found from the headline were overcome by my cries of rage and jealousy.

Luckily, I then stumbled upon this lovely headline on eonline.com:

Nude Britney More Infectious Than Nude Paris

Given Britney’s propensity to walk barefoot in public bathrooms as well as her marriage to Senor Federline, this should surprise no one.

However, the article is referring to computer virus and not venereal diseases:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are more likely to give you a virus than a nude Paris Hilton, a new study finds.

The State of Search Engine Safety report, released Monday by McAfee's SiteAdvisor group, evaluates the risks associated with approximately 2,300 of the most popular search terms based on the sites they return.

According to the study, conducting an online search for Suri's parents returns a slightly higher percentage of sites bundled with spyware and other malicious code than a search for the hotel heiress in her birthday suit.

Determined to be far more hazardous than searching for Cruise, Holmes or Hilton was scanning the World Wide Web for "Britney Spears nude," a search term that ranked above "free porn" in terms of the risky results it returned.

Less predictably, searching for a (presumably clothed) Lil' Wayne proved sketchier than hunting down either a nude Pamela Anderson or a nude Carmen Electra, while a search for Nicole Richie was determined to be more dangerous than the term "eating spiders while asleep"

Mark Maxwell, a senior product manager for SiteAdvisor, said the number of risky sites turned up by a search for a given star is not always a factor of their public profile.

"It's not necessarily an attribute of the celebrities themselves," Maxwell told E! Online.

He pointed out that typing "Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston" into a search engine returned a significantly higher percentage of undesirable results than a search for the actor and his current flame, Angelina Jolie.

"Are Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston truly riskier than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as people? No," Maxwell said.

"Britney Spears nude" ranked higher than "free porn"? Interesting.

Some guy has a job that involves finding how likely it is to get a computer virus when searching for the phrase "eating spiders while sleep"? Kinda sad. True, it’s not as thankless a job as waiting tables at the Red Lobster, but there has got to be better ways to earn your money.

The survey does explain some of the more wacky search phrases that led people to my site. Like "girls in cocaine", "massive bowel movement", or "Paris Hilton Dead Pool." And those are just for June.

I do wonder if Paris's current stay in jail will make her more or less associated with computer-based hazards. Not that I’m making fun of Paris'’s stay in jail. Everyone else is doing that and no one will reach the heights of Sarah Silverman's slam.



Bronc would so let Paris Hilton go down on him.

wojr

Edited: If you want you can write Ms. Hilton in prison, you can do so at the following address:

Paris Hilton, #9818783
PO BOX 86164
Terminal Annex
Los Angeles, CA 90086-0164

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Crackers, DeadPool, Hollywood, Porn, Sex, Snide Remarks, Whores, Youtube

  ¶ 7:15 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  wojr.com: more than just penis euphemisms (but not by much)

Language is a peculiar thing, especially when you take the time to closely examine it.

Take, for example, the expression "his patience has worn thin." Why do we only comment on the waif-like nature of one’s patience? How come no over ever remarks about the thickness of one’s stoicism?

Wow, that fellow there has a rather thick and robust patience!

Of course, folks then might be prone to mistake the word "patience" for similar-sounding "penis" (or they could just assume patience is an euphemism for cock), especially when used in conjunction with adjectives like thick and robust.

But come on now, except for vagina, what noun couldn’t be turned into a metaphor for the male sexual organ?

Again, you just have to bask in the wonder of language.

By now, I’d wager some of you must be having your patience worn thin as you ask yourself, "what is wojr’s point?" or more accurately "does he ever have a point?"

Well, I am extremely aware that it has been some time since I last posted anything on this blog or the website. Well, I apologize for that and thank those who have waited quietly and patiently for me to get back to my insipid, self-involved writing. To those loyal readers, I compliment you on the obvious thickness of your fortitude. Your patience clearly has the girth of a Mandingo sex fantasy.

To the rest of you that bitched and moaned, well, you all have small and peculiar dicks, especially when you take the time to closely examine them.

Even the ladies.

wojr

Labels: Advice, Snide Remarks, Viewer Mail, woj

  ¶ 8:21 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  It Takes A Lot For The Cynic In Me To Be Hopeful About The Future

Quote of the day:

"to those who
do not believe
in evolution
i say,
your children's
children
will."
- Demetri Martin

Happy Happy Hump Day!

wojr

Labels: Advice, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 5:14 PM 1 comments links to this post   

  Some Unfortunate Web Advertising

So, I was reading this oddly titled article about the Anna-Nicole corpse debate over at abc.com, when I noticed some unfortunate use of advertising.

Be sure to click on pic to enlarge:

Come to the Bahamas and see the rapidly decomposing whore.

I'm booking my airfare now.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 7:49 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Mom, I’m Off To Comic Book Store – Keep An Eye on Doggie For Me?

Found on nydailynews.com (via warrenellis.com):

No escape from S&M Svengali, she says

A woman who says she was forced into sexual slavery took jurors on a stomach-turning journey through her S&M hell yesterday, testifying against the captor who called himself "God."

Jodi, a petite, 39-year-old from Wisconsin, testified that she was powerless to escape the twisted control of defendant Glenn Marcus, a sadomasochistic Svengali she met in 1998 on the Internet.

Federal Judge Allyne Ross allowed the witness to be identified by just her first name to spare her embarrassment.

Speaking in a husky monotone, Jodi described the whippings, mutilations and torture she said she received at the hands of Marcus, who sold comic books and lived with his parents on Long Island.

Marcus also lorded over three other female slaves he dubbed "Doggie," "Nameless" and "Robot,” Jodi said. But after Jodi agreed to submit to Marcus' fantasies, she became his "ultimate slave," the one he called "It," she said. He initiated Jodi by shaving her head and branding the letter "G" on her buttocks, she said.

He later carved "Slave" on her stomach, Jodi said.

"I was now his property and I belonged to him," Jodi testified in Brooklyn Federal Court, where Marcus, 53, is on trial for sex trafficking, forced labor and disseminating obscene photos of the victim on his Web site. "And whatever I was before I came to him didn't exist anymore."

Jodi had dabbled with sadomasochism in two relationships before meeting Marcus, but she said she was not prepared for his extreme brutality.

In one attack, he burned Jodi with a cigarette all over her body, including her genitals, she said. "I felt like I was literally in hell. I felt like I was on fire and couldn't put it out," she said.

Jodi was afraid to complain to the other female "slaves" out of fear they would tell Marcus and she would be punished further, she said.

There’s a word you don’t hear enough, Svengali. If I was a well-hung African American male, I would so want to become a Svengali. That way, I can claim to be The Mandingo Svengali. It has a nice ring to it and it would definitely look spiffy embroidered on a lobster bib.

Since I’m not African-American or well hung, I’ll just comment about this story on this blog.

So, Glenn aka “God” worked at a comic book store at the ripe age of 53, lived with his parents at the ripe age of 53 and still managed to get not one, not two, but four women to be his submissive sex slaves? I’m sure there’s many a man reading that story and thinking, “what the hell am I doing wrong?”

To those men, I give this advice, “Move out to Long Island”. If you stop and think about it, this story does make perfect sense. Long Island is the home of Amy Fischer and Joey Buttafucco. Crazy bitches falling for creepy old dudes just happens to be the norm out there. I’m not sure you’ll find one that will allow you to burn her vagina with a lit cigarette, but I’d wager you could get a handjob if you just offer her a pack of cigarettes.

(Oh yeah, I’m getting some hate mail for this one.)

wojr

Labels: Comic Books, News, Sex, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 3:39 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Utah Confirms It Has No Respect for Black People, Their History or Their Porn

February is Black History Month. It’s bad enough that February is the shortest month on the calendar, but now our Nubian brothers and sisters have to share the month with some cracker polygamist movement against pornography.

Found on byu.edu (SFW) (via fleshbot.com (NSFW)):

Community Leaders Declare February 'White Ribbon Against Pornography' Month

Pornography has been compared to a variety of drugs because of its addictive properties.

The difference between the two, however, is illustrated when a user ends his or her addictive behavior. Once you leave a drug like cocaine, you can get the drug out of your system; pornographic images, however, are left in your brain forever, explained Cindy Moreno, the president of Communities for Decency.

Governor Jon Huntsman and mayors of many Utah cities have declared the month of February to be White Ribbon Against Pornography month in Utah.

“Communities for Decency” is a statewide, non-profit organization that promotes standards of decency in communities and teaches children good values. The organization also strives to empower parents with the tools they need to talk to their children about the destructive effects of pornography.

“People don’t realize what is out there,” Moreno said. “We aim to teach children and parents alike about the dangers of pornography.”

Parents are not aware of how easily accessible pornography is, Moreno said. Children can get it on their cell phones, computers or while they are doing their homework on the Internet.

In a study of 600 American males and females of junior-high-school age and above, 91 percent of the males and 82 percent of the females admitted having been exposed to X-rated, hard-core pornography, mostly occurring while doing homework, Moreno said.

Communities for Decency has funded school assemblies where high school students go to elementary schools and teach children that it is alright to speak out when they see something inappropriate.

“Many children will see inappropriate images and feel yucky about it, but they won’t tell anyone about it,” Moreno said.

Why’s it got to be the WHITE Ribbon Against Porn month? Why you got to flaunt your disrespect for the brother man so blatantly in front of his face. (To quote Chasing Amy, “Gentrification! They gon' drive out the black element to make the galaxy 'safe' for white folks and polygamists”.) It is just blatant racism and, as a liberal white democrat, I will not stand for it. No, not one bit.

Black rage! BLACK RAGE!

Ahem.. Sorry, got lost in the moment.

As for the non-racial comments, I would normally start things off by mocking Ms. Moreno for using such an ostentatious word like “yucky”, but I have witnessed some pornographic images that have left a yucky taste in my mouth. (To quote Clerks II, “you never go ass to mouth”.) So, I’ll let that one pass. Also, in terms of pornographic images being left in your brain forever, while I do have issues with the use of the word “forever”, I will admit that I can vividly recall some of the first erotic cinema I witnessed in my life. Hell, those images are the occasional fist fodder for my masturbatory exploits. So, I’ll let that one pass as well.

However, what I will not let slip by me is the insinuation that most of the males and females of junior-high-school age and above that have been exposed to X-rated, hard-core pornography did so while doing homework. Ms. Moreno, that is a load of BULLSHIT. While the Internet is prevalent with porn (as it should be), I doubt Little Junior High Johnny stumbled upon Latin Double Dong Fiesta dot com while researching the Spanish Inquisition. He’s at that site because he wants to know why Daddy needs three wives.

And come on, “Communities for Decency”, really? Now, if I had a child in an elementary school and a couple of high school kids came to them, claimed to be from some Nazi-sounding group like “Communities for Decency”, and told them it is ok to speak out when they see something inappropriate like, for an example, an interracial gangbang, I would have a big problem with that*.

Because I’m done with the racial harmony in its pornographic and non-pornographic forms.

HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH!

wojr

*Of course, if I was living in Utah, I would have bigger problems than my kids fending off neo-Nazis.

Labels: Crackers, News, Porn, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 4:53 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  And I Would Have Gotten Away With It Too, If It Weren't For...

Found on Reuters:

CALGARY, Alberta (Reuters) - A man suspected of stealing a loaded beer truck was nabbed after a police dog followed a trail of beer and clothes to find him hiding on top of a porch, Edmonton police said on Tuesday.

The police dog was called out to a parking lot in the western Canadian city on Monday morning where a beer delivery truck, recently stolen outside a liquor store, had been abandoned after a collision.

Edmonton police spokeswoman Karen Carlson said the dog and its handler followed a trail of discarded beer, a cooler, a hand cart and pieces of clothing to a nearby apartment building.

Before we get down to the snark, let’s make one thing abundantly clear. None of the wojr.com staff have ever been to Canada, let alone Calgary. While the evidence of this case might hold similarities with the known modus operandi of our employees, we all have ironclad alibis.

Now, on to the snide remarks…

For the second day in a row, wojr.com needs to sarcastically applaud the superlative efforts of law enforcement. Through the hard work and expertise of their K-9 unit, the Edmonton Police Department managed to track their suspect’s trail of:

Discarded beer.

Discarded pieces of clothing.

A Cooler

A Hand Cart

Good thing that dog was there. I mean, how could the limited senses of a human being been expected to follow such a veiled trail as this?

Not since the early days of Scooby Doo and his Corporation of Mystery has a canine been so integral to the solving of such a mysterious crime, but that isn’t why I found this case so interesting.

This dastardly Case of the Pilfered Pilsner just further strengthens one of wojr.com’s theories of criminal behavior:

If there is a man hiding on top of your porch, he’s guilty of something.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 2:00 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Best Use of the Word “RECKON” Ever - EVER

Found on theindychannel.com (via fleshbot.com NSFW):

Man RECKONS Santa-Playing Days Over After Indecency Arrest

LOGANSPORT, Ind. -- A man who has portrayed Santa Claus was one of several men arrested in a two-day crackdown on sexual activity at a Logansport park this week, police said.

John Hopkins, 60, was arrested Wednesday at Spencer Park after he grabbed an undercover officer, according to Kokomo police, who helped Logansport police with the sting.

The white-bearded Hopkins told police that he has played Santa in the past. When an investigator found in Hopkins' truck a flier about an upcoming holiday event, Hopkins said he guessed he couldn't play Santa anymore because of the arrest, police said.

First off, a big congratulations to the Kokomo police for now making public bathrooms safe from cruising homosexuals. I don’t RECKON that I’ll ever have to worry about a gay man coming on to me in public bathroom ever again.

By the way, is Kokomo pronounced cow-ko-mo or cock-oh-mo? I RECKON it’s the latter.

Anwho, we can now add another occupation to the list of jobs homosexuals we RECKON they can not do. They can’t kill Iraqis, they can’t teach children without offering them a handjob, and now they can’t sit in the center of a mall & sell overpriced Polaroids.

“But wojr, you aren’t a parent. You don’t know what…”

Yes, for all I RECKON, I’m not a parent. Thanks to condoms, the pull & pray method and long spans of self-imposed celibacy, I have no offspring. (If I’m wrong on that reckoning, please let me know. I don’t want anyone reckoning that I’m a deadbeat dad.)

I don’t have to worry about the well-being of any children, but if I did I would still RECKON one thing. Being a homosexual does not make one a pedophile, just like being a parent does not make one a homophobe. Nor does it give you the right to be one.

Why shouldn’t John Hopkins be allowed to portray Santa Claus? He certainly looks the part and as long as we don’t have grown men sitting on his lap, I RECKON there wouldn’t be any incidents.

Oh and Mr. Hopkins, sir, I RECKON I have some advice for you as well. I’m not really up on my homosexual fetishes and such, but I RECKON there has to be some guys out there looking to get it on with Santa. You know, some nice gents that want you to jump down their chimney, fill their stockings with coal or munch on their milk and cookies. (Munch on their cookies? I can do better than that. How about “tell them they’ve been naughty or nice”? Does that work?) I would check the Internet there, St. Nick, and see what you can dig up.

I RECKON that there has got to be better cruising options out there for Santa Claus than public restrooms.

Just like I RECKON there has got to better uses for the Kokomo police department than busting a horny Santa Claus.

Ooo I wanna take you down to kokomo
We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow
Thats where we wanna go
Way down to kokomo

wojr

Labels: News, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 7:43 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  wojr Is Only Afraid of Renaissance Fairs and Hillbilly Rapists

Happy Friday the 13th, Everyone!

Like most people that work the traditional five day work week, I am quite fond of Fridays. I equate that day with happy hours, the freedom of the pending weekend and drinking at lunch (Shout out to Kuffel!). But I especially love Fridays that just happen to fall on the thirteenth day of the month. Let me tell you why--

For those not “in the know” – found on wikipedia.org:

A Friday occurring on the 13th day of any month is considered to be a day of bad luck in English and Portuguese-speaking cultures around the globe. Similar superstitions exist in some other traditions. In Greece and Spain, for example, Tuesday the 13th takes the same role. The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia, a specialized form of triskaidekaphobia, a phobia (fear) of the number thirteen.

First off, I adore the sheer ludicrousness of the event. Like most superstitions, no one really is sure how it started. For our younger readers, the fear of the day predates the movie and televisions series. Some conjecture that it has something to do with the arrest of hundreds of Knights Templar on October 13, 1307. If that was so, why not just remember October 13th as the unlucky day, similar to March 15th. Why make it a floating holiday like Christ’s Death? Also, how is it that the English and Portuguese share the consideration? We also have Fat Tuesday in common. Do we need the bad luck day to offset the wonder that is Carnivale/Mardi Gras?

Secondly, I love the word triskaidekaphobia. True, it’s no schadenfreude, but it just rolls off the tongue. Plus, it’s a phobia and phobias are just good solid fun. Don’t like someone but not enough to wish them death, disease or dismemberment? Wish them a phobia. Other people’s irrational fears are fun.

Now, don’t curse them with something serious like Agoraphobia or Sitiophobia (the fear of food or eating). wojr.com recommends hexing the following phobias on one’s enemies:

Coulrophobia – the fear of clowns

Parthenophobia – the fear of virgins or young girls

Phronemophobia – the fear of thinking (very common among Americans)

Medomalacuphobia – the fear of losing one’s erection (sometimes caused by thinking)

Isopterophobia – the fear of insects that eat wood (not to be confused with Medomalacuphobia. Huh-huh, he said ‘wood’.)

Bromidrosiphobia – the fear of giving forth a bad odor from one’s body

Nucleomituphobia – the fear of nuclear weapons (I used to have this one.)

Coitophobia – the fear of sexual intercourse

Pentheraphobia – the fear of mother-in-laws

Genuphobia – the fear of knees (Really? Knees?)

Spermophobia – the fear of semen (Bronc suffers from this one. He thinks his sperm are plotting against him with their superpowers.)

Cherophobia – the fear of Cher – kidding, actually it’s close. It is the fear of gaiety (Bronc suffers from that one, too. Unless the gaiety comes with superpowers. He’d definitely go gay for some superpowers.)

I was surprised that I couldn’t find a listing for a fear of feet. I’ve been accused of having such a fear, but I think it’s more of an aversion or whatever the antonym for fetish would be. I’m also averse to testicles, but I’m not scared of them. Just of waking up with some strange ones resting on my chin or forehead. (See Roman War Helmet.)

Anyhow, that’s a post for another day.

But today, enjoy your Friday the 13th. If you are looking for some method to display your love of the day in some nonverbal or novel way, I recommend the following shirt:

You can purchase said shirt here.

Good day and good luck. Or bad luck if that’s your thing.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 11:35 AM 1 comments links to this post   

  Ronald McDonald to Be Named Diddy’s Bitch

On this special day, the 420th day in the Age of Diddy, the splendiferous one himself has news.

Found on yahoo.com:

MIAMI - Diddy will soon be adding some sizzle to Burger King's marketing efforts. Hip hop mogul Sean "Diddy" Combs has agreed to join Burger King Corp.'s promotional efforts as the world's No. 2 hamburger chain reaches out into the entertainment, fashion and music world, the Miami-based company said in a statement Tuesday.

Known in the past as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy, the artist known as Diddy is set to appear in an upcoming Burger King advertisement campaign. Financial terms were not disclosed.

"Sean 'Diddy' Combs is a pop culture icon, and we're thrilled to be able to collaborate, using the breadth of his talents as an artist, entrepreneur and change agent to impact and inspire our guests," said Russ Klein, president of global marketing, strategy and innovation at Burger King.

…

“I'm having it my way on this album, and it's been a great journey for me, so I'm grateful for partners like Burger King Corporation that are helping me bring a fresh sound to my fans," Diddy said. "They share my passion for being tastemakers and giving the people what they want."

So many comments in my head – must get them out as quickly as possible.

How does Burger King plan to reach out into the fashion world? Will Sean John be offering a new line for the Whopper sized consumers? Will those cardboard king hats become haute couture?

“Known in the past as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy”? Despite his self-proclaimed name change, isn’t Diddy known in the present as Puff Daddy and P. Diddy as well? If I say “Puff Daddy” or “Puffy”, will people just not know who I’m talking about?

How is the Burger King Corporation helping Diddy bring a fresh sound to his fans? Are they in the studio with him? Telling the glorious one which songs to steal – er.. sample?

“Diddy will soon be adding some sizzle.” Oh yeah, a white person wrote that line and was damn proud to do so. In addition, if it’s flame broiled is there sizzle? Probably there is, I’m just equating sizzle with frying.

Diddy admits that he has a passion for giving people what they want, further showing his Christ-like qualities. Cross over children. All are welcome. All welcome. Go into the Diddy. There is peace and serenity in the Diddy. Carol Anne - listen to me. Do NOT go into the Diddy. Stop where you are. Turn away from it. Don't even look at it. Ahh.. Sorry, I let that one get away from me. Don't know what came over me.

Are there any official agencies that monitor who can be called change agents or tastemakers? I’m not saying that Diddy can’t lay claim to such titles. Hell, Diddy can start calling himself Baron, Lord or Messiah and I’m down with that. But what about the wannabes? What’s stopping me from saying that I’m a tastemaker (no matter how much Pineapple juice I drink)? Plus, is Burger King really a tastemaker? I mean, they didn’t invent the hamburger. They just hopped on the fast food bandwagon. It’s not like I follow their lead in making any purchasing choices. Burger King is just a house of lies.

“The World’s No.2 Hamburger Chain”? To quote the late pop culture icon and tastemaker, Rodney Dangerfield, “Always look out for No.1, just don’t step in No.2.”

And so, the Age of Diddy continues…

wojr

Labels: Diddy, News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 1:09 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Further Proof that Lawyers Are Akin to Vampires

I really wasn’t feeling well this weekend. Not really sick, just a general malaise. Thus, my ass was firmly planted on my couch as I caught up with my Tivo and DVDs (both purchased and Netflixed).

During the massive media digestion, my normal disgust with legal warnings reached near epic proportions. Let me walk you through it.

First up, the FBI and/or Interpol warnings. They’ve been on every DVD or VHS I’ve ever watched. I think that’s true for everyone else in this country. Obviously, it’s doing a bang-up job combating video piracy. That was sarcasm. In terms of crime deterrence, that warning isn’t even a speed bump. It’s so worthless that some companies have added commercials dissuading acts of piracy. Why these ads look like they were shot in 1986 with a budget of twenty dollars is beyond me. Just like understanding why the ads lack the presence of any minorities. Are only white folk pirates?



The anti-crime legal warning is then followed, when applicable, by the company’s disclaimer that the views expressed on any commentaries are not the views of the parent company, their subsidiaries, any affiliates, the Tijuana whore that gave their marketing department the Clap or even Whistler’s mother. Good thing that’s there given the recent rash of commentary-based lawsuits. I mean, if Shannon Doherty hasn’t sued anyone based on crappy things said about her in commentaries, I think we’re safe.

The most sadistic part of this process is the film companies’ unwillingness to allow the consumer to fast forward through these parts. No, you need to wait long enough for even the most inbred of hillbillies to be able to read these legal statements. Actually, let me that back. I don’t want to get sued by an inbred individual for inferring that they read slower than those of us spawned by people lacking close genetic ties. I’m sure they read just fine despite any genetic deformities. Just like I’m sure only white people steal.

But I digress...

The entertainment industry has a long history of litigation, so the input of their legal counsel probably holds great weight – definitely more than some cranky white guy that spent most of his weekend on his couch. Given that track record of litigious behavior, the following news item seemed apropos to include here.

Found on cnn.com:

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Internet search leader Google is snapping up YouTube for $1.65 billion, brushing aside copyright concerns to seize a starring role in the online video revolution.

The all-stock deal announced Monday unites one of the Internet's marquee companies with one of its rapidly rising stars. It came just a few hours after YouTube unveiled three separate agreements with media companies to counter the threat of copyright-infringement lawsuits.

The price makes YouTube Inc., a still-unprofitable startup, by far the most expensive purchase made by Google during its eight-year history. Last year, Google spent $130.5 million buying a total of 15 small companies.

Although some cynics have questioned YouTube's staying power, Google is betting that the popular video-sharing site will provide it an increasingly lucrative marketing hub as more viewers and advertisers migrate from television to the Internet.

I recall reading an article in Wired from earlier this year describing youtube founders, Steven Chen and Chad Hurley, making the rounds at some tech brouhaha. They were refusing to discuss any offers for their company under a billion dollars. Look at what one plug from Dane Cook can do for your asking price.

Now, youtube has been under legal fire for copyright infringement and as Warren Ellis hypothesizes on his site:

[N]ow it’s been valued at 1.65 BILLION dollars. If you don’t think everyone and their wife is now going to start suing Google for illegally broadcasting copyrighted material, you’re insane. You’re also insane if you think the companies who weren’t somehow placated by YouTube into not destroying them a few months ago didn’t already have suits prepared and in the drawer waiting for the exact second this was announced.

At which point they get Napstered: just papered into oblivion by legal action.

1.65 billion American dollars, for some perspective, buys around forty tons of cocaine. Which may, in the long run, prove to be a better investment.

I like youtube. They don’t make me watch legal disclaimers before their videos. If they did, I bet they would let me fast forward through them with relative ease. No need to press stop-stop-menu to get where I need to go. Plus, they have Dave Chappelle singing the theme song from Different Strokes.



Enjoy it while it lasts – before the vampire lawyers swoop down and suck the life of it. Faster than a Tijuana whore can snort up 40 tons of cocaine.

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Snide Remarks, Youtube

  ¶ 12:10 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  An Affront to the Sanctimony of Alimony

Found on baynews9.com (via attu):

A Seminole man is fighting to stop alimony payments to his ex-wife because the woman is now a man.

Lawrence Roach says his ex-wife has had a sex change and is now living as a man with a new identity. Roach says he should be allowed discontinue $1,200 in monthly alimony payments.

"This isn't right. It's humiliating to me and degrading," Roach said. "You know, I'm a man and I don't want to be paying alimony to a man. If you can't be married to a man legally, how can you legally pay alimony to a man?"

Let’s take a moment and bask in that. Just sit back, relax and repeat after me.

“I’m a man and I don’t want to be paying alimony to a man.”

Allow the warmth and human compassion of that statement to just wash over you.

Now, Lawrence Roach is listed in phone book. Taking that information and the wonder that is Google Earth, I was shocked to find that Lawrence does not live in a home of the mobile variety. He lives in a house and appears to have one of the greener lawns on his block.

I guess that’s why we’re reading about his plight via a respectable news outlet and not seeing it on an episode of Springer.

"If you can’t be married to a man legally, how can you legally pay alimony to a man?"

Opposed to illegally paying alimony to a man, Lawrence? The state of Florida needs to crack down on those illegal alimony payments. It’s bordering on a crime epidemic.

Lawrence most likely will lose his suit. He needs his ex to either die or remarry to stop the alimony payments.

Personally, if I was in Lawrence’s situation, I’d probably just keep my mouth shut, pay the alimony and hope my ex-wife meets a nice lady to re-marry. No need to let everybody know my ex is now sporting man parts.

I just hope, for Lawrence’s sake, that the ex-wife is into the ladies now. If she/he still likes the dudes, then you might see Lawrence campaigning for gay marriage to get out of his alimony dilemma.

wojr

Labels: Crackers, News, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 8:20 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  The Worst “Girls Gone Wild” Tape – EVER

We have this item sent by wojr.com correspondent, Sir Phillip of Beum, found on thewbalchannel.com:

The women were volunteers with the Frederick Youth Sports Association and said they only intended to raise the spirits of the 7-year-old and 8-year-old girls during a youth football game last week.

With the consent of head coach Debbie Wheaton, assistant Christine Smith drew a smiley face on her own stomach -- then flashed the smiley face to get the girls to smile.

But Association president Kathy Carey wasn't smiling when she received three complaints. The coaches were dismissed two days later.

Even though Smith said she only exposed three inches of her stomach, Carey said it was inappropriate.

This article raises several points:

How much does it suck to get dismissed from a gig that you are VOLUNTEERING for? You’re working for free – sacrificing your time and energy. The least they could do is let you show off your tight abs. (I’m assuming the abs are tight, just like I’m assuming the two coaches are eighteen and virginal. This is my blog, right?)

Three inches of stomach equaled three complaints? Coincidence, I think not! I bet if they showed off four inches they would have racked up more – hell, they might have actually exposed belly buttons then. Seriously, get out your rulers and look at how small three inches actually is. I mean, I’m even bigger than that!

Now, from this article, some might assume Kathy Carey is a prude. Personally, I don’t know her, but I can not imagine that one gets to be President of the FREDERICK YOUTH SPORTS ASSOCIATION without having a burning fire of determination in her very soul. You know, the kind of fire and strength of will that translates very well to the bedroom. (Again, I’m assuming but it’s my blog and I’ve been sexually deprived since my girlfriend moved to the other side of the country.)

Were the three complaints from overweight people? I bet they were jealous tubbies. Or Muslim extremists. Or fat Muslim extremists.

If the cheerleaders need people to lift THEIR spirits, they must be sucky cheerleaders. Even if they were only seven or eight.

I imagine that if the cheerleaders were seven or eight, then the kids playing football were the same age. Christ, Bronc’s mom never let him play football at any age, yet these parents are letting these youngsters play. Are their skulls even fully formed yet? Maybe these fat Muslim parents should stop worrying about that extra inch of midriff and focus on the physical well-being of these kids.

If you failed to click on the link above, “Beum” is Scottish Gaelic for “to blow”.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 12:00 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Which Hole Does This One Go In?

Following last week’s butt plug modeled after George Dubya, we know have a product that is less disturbing but should inspire greater disdain.

The Dashboard Mohammed!

It's pretty simple, really. The Dashboard Mohammed is nothing more than an attempt at a clever play on the Dashboard Jesus. It's a bobble head that can be placed on the dashboard of your car, your monitor at work, in your shower, anywhere you need spiritual uplifting and guidance.

Allah help us if someone’s pooper needs uplifting. That flower/lit fuse does not look too pleasing.

This comes mere days after I read the following article on news.yahoo.com (via silentbobspeaks.com):

BAGHDAD (AFP) - Iraqi Shiite residents of Baghdad's Sadr City have expressed anger on over [sic] a picture of a grinning Jesus they mistook for a Shiite holy figure that appeared in the area after a joint US-Iraqi operation.

Residents found a picture of "Buddy Jesus" from the 1999 film "Dogma" posted in the streets, accompanied by a badly photocopied pamphlet bearing a crude approximation of a US military crest and outlining a US "plan" to subjugate the neighborhood.

"That picture abuses our Imam Mahdi and his holy character, and mocks our sacred figures," said resident Abu Riyam Sunday, apparently mistaking the satirical movie still of Jesus for one of Shiite Islam's historical imams, whose images adopt a Jesus-like iconography.

God, I loved Kevin Smith’s script for Dogma.

"I give you... The Buddy Christ. Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it... pop? Buddy Christ..."

The Shiite’s don’t like a kindler, gentler Christ – One that just pops? One that just cries out to be on your dashboard?

Something tells me they’ll just hate the Dashboard Mohammed.

Coming to a jihad near you!

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 6:01 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Cynicism Comes Cheaper on Mondays!

"Say cheese!"

Someone is about to take your picture, so make sure you show your staged photo expression. You know that one, the smile lacking any authenticity or sincerity. One could call it your plastic visage. Others might even call it soulless.

I’m no better. I do it too. The soul free smile. The glassy eyes. The subtle urgent need for the whole experience to just end.

Of course, I have to be instructed or cajoled to do so. Normally by an over-excited family member, friend or other self-appointed chronicler.

And if you say no, then you're considered rude or anti-social.

Now, I am rude and anti-social, but I like to hide those traits. Especially from my family or people I'm trying to bang. (The two groups do not overlap.)

So, there we all are. Being photographed with expressions natural only to the under and over medicated, leaving evidence of our supposed happiness and joy for the archeologists of future or alien generations. Making these deluded folks think:

"Things must have been so much better then. Look how happy everyone is."

And the unstaged pictures? What do we call them?

Candid.

Not honest. Not sincere. Not life-like or realistic. Just candid. Calling them honest or sincere pictures openly admits our insincerity and dishonesty in the staged pictures.

That’s why I like photographs of drunken co-eds flashing the camera. You can call them crude or degrading, but photos of young boobies never lie.

Plus, today’s nudie pictures will be next century’s National Geographic feature, giving many a young pimply-faced adolescent their first beat-off material.

But hopefully, they will have cured acne by then.

wojr

Labels: Snide Remarks

  ¶ 3:33 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Monday Morning Quarterbacks and Sunday Morning Drinking Games

Somehow, I’ve made my way far enough through my Tivo to catch the second episode of Studio 60. (I’m forever placing the clumsy “On the Sunset Strip” portion of the title in the implicit category.)

Last week, I recommended the pilot to the dozens of readers of this blog. Even though Studio 60’s pilot still stands as the best pilot episode I’ve seen for this Fall season (Full disclosure: I’ve yet to watch the pilots for 30 Rock or The Nine. If anyone wants to send them my way, drop me an email.), I found myself enjoying the second episode more (and I wasn’t yet aware of the Studio 60 Drinking Game). Now with all nice things I say, there is a “but” coming. It’s a flaw. I can never leave well enough alone. However, let’s cover the good points first.

“The Cold Open” does not share in the pilot episode’s burden of massive exposition. The audience now understands the hierarchy of the players and the major conflict facing all of them. The second episode gets to explore the characters more closely and strengthens the elements that I enjoyed in the pilot. Sorkin’s dialogue continues to impress. Matthew Perry, Amanda Peet and Steven Weber continue to shine. (By the way, Steven Weber? The other guy from Wings is kicking ass? Who’d a-thunk?) They manage to clearly define Perry’s character, Matt Albie, as a separate entity from Chandler Bing. Plus, there is a massive Pirates of Penzance reference.

Now, here come the buts...

First off, while Perry’s role is clearly differentiated from his previous popular character, Bradley Whitford still feels like he’s playing Josh Lyman from The West Wing. Since Sorkin never wrote for Friends, it is easy to see how this can occur to one lead and not the other.

While I like the character of Josh Lyman very much, I’m not interested in watching a retread. The character of Danny Tripp needs to stand on his own. I have a notion that Sorkin might use Tripp’s sexual preference as a way to distinguish the character. While there is nothing wrong with that in the “nothing wrong with that” way, if I can predict such a turn coming, then it’s by definition predictable.

“The Cold Open” gives us more exposure to the cast of the show within the show and I’m slightly underwhelmed. First off, they all seem rather passive for a troupe of performers with the exception of the jilted lover/branded catholic, Sarah Paulson. I’ve liked Paulson in other roles, but her character here is rather distracting. Plus, as Ken Levine points out in his blog, “they keep talking about how unbelievably talented” her character is, but fail to offer up actual proof.

However, my major complaint about the episode is the storyline’s acknowledgement of Lorne Michaels and his Saturday Night Live. I’d wager due to pressure from NBC, Sorkin makes clear that this is not SNL. Having Studio 60’s fictitious show come about in the 80s, broadcast on Friday nights and shoot in Los Angeles was not enough, they had to explicitly clarify that this is not SNL, which has its season premiere this Saturday night.

Having that distinction stated like that came off as back-pedaling to me. The pilot episode condemned the current state of TV, especially their fictitious effigy of NBC’s Saturday Night stalwart – a stalwart that, honestly, needed the condemnation.

Now, I still watch SNL. I don’t know if many of my friends still do. Every Sunday morning with my breakfast and paper, thanks to my trusty Tivo, I go through the episode. Truthfully, I fast forward through most of it. The repeated concepts that weren’t funny the first time. I’m looking at you, Carol. The parody commercials that they’ve repeated way too many times. Taco Town. The sketches that just do not end. None of them memorable.

Why do I do that? Because when they get it, when they make me laugh, I’m their bitch. Unfortunately, I rarely have to play that role.

Maybe I just need a SNL drinking game? It’ll give me an excuse to start boozing up on Sunday mornings.

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, Intoxication, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 4:15 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  I Hope My Corpse Endorses TrimSpa, Y’All

Last night, I received a phone call from Senor Broncatello. I’m unaware how much, if any, Jack Daniels precipitated this call but here’s how it went:

Bronc: “You know, this Audrey Hepburn ad, it’s kinda turning me on.”

That was his opening. There was no “Hello” or “Kon-nichiwa, bitch.” Just a declaration of his arousal over a Gap ad starring a dead woman.

For those that haven’t seen a television in the last month. Here is the advertisement he’s talking about:



Now, I’ve long had an asexual fascination with Audrey Hepburn. I’ve seen her movies more times than what is allowed for heterosexual males. I’m aware of it and so is Bronc. So, he decided to have some fun with that admiration. Especially, when I claimed to have real problems with the commercial.

Bronc: “She’s dancing to Back in Black for christ’s sake. Plus talking about expressing herself and needing a release. It’s just hot.”

Now, I paraphrase myself here when I say “if a stripper does not appear hot dancing to Back to Black (AC/DC, not Wing), then she’s just not hot.” So, Audrey Hepburn dancing to the ultimate stripper song - come on, that’s just wrong.

Plus, they have her basically endorsing their product. Hepburn’s been dead since 1993 and I don’t remember her endorsing the Gap when she was alive. Hell, the lady was an ambassador for UNICEF, an organization against sweatshops and child labor. Remember when there was a public outcry when Coke had digitally inserted Humphrey Bogart into one of their commercials. Damn it, Bogart wasn’t even an opponent of Coke’s business practices.

I should write a will and list exactly what types of products and/or services my image can be licensed to you. I have a feeling that I’m going to be a big deal come post mortem time.

(Side note: does any one else have a problem with Coke putting Santa Claus on their packaging during Christmas time? It’s almost like Santa is endorsing their product, even though everyone knows the old man prefers Milk and cookies. I bet Coke doesn’t have to pay St. Nick for his endorsement, huh?)

This was a typical phone conversation between the two of us.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Snide Remarks, Youtube

  ¶ 1:25 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Know the World Around You

Right now, somewhere in the world…

Someone is going “Gay for Pay.”

Some drunk’s bender is just beginning.

An episode of Law & Order is airing on two or more networks.

Some hack is being paid more than you to get Lindsey Lohan more press.

The son of Dracula is looking for a book deal.

Several women have their legs up in stirrups as they patiently await their doctor.

Some guy is getting aroused at the idea of women in stirrups.

The ‘Age of Diddy’ Just Keeps on Truckin’.

Someone is knocking the bottom out of someone’s sister.

Someone has three or more fingers in their anal cavity. It might be that “Gay for Pay” guy.

The NFL doesn’t want you to get drunk.

One of your friends is making fun of you behind your back. (If you’re a large Italian adult male that still lives at home, that number may be higher.)

Several babies and senior citizens are crapping in their diapers.

Some guy is getting aroused at the idea of crapping in a diaper.

A team of Public Relations experts are brainstorming ways to steal press away from Lindsey Lohan.

Some porn star is having problems maintaining wood. This might be that “Gay for Pay” guy as well.

Some other drunk’s bender is just ending.

Someone is wondering if stirrups or diapers get wojr aroused.

You’re realizing that the time you spent reading this blog is LOST FOREVER.

wojr

Labels: Intoxication, Porn, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 4:03 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Dog Bites Man Is Not News (Even If The Man Is A Drunken German Cowboy)

So, this is how the internet greets me today – found on abcnews.com:

Johansson Likes Her Hourglass Figure

NEW YORK Sep 18, 2006 (AP) Scarlett Johansson struts her stuff in cleavage-baring dresses on the red carpet, but in real life, she'd rather remain a mystery.

"I can't stand those articles where people spill their life story," Johansson says in the October issue of InStyle magazine, on newsstands Friday. "After a while I feel like I know more about them than their best friend does and that's weird. It's better when you don't know everything."

…

She's more confident about her hourglass figure. "I'm curvy I'm never going to be 5'11' and 120 pounds. But I feel lucky to have what I've got."

Not only is this article basically an advertisement for the October issue of InStyle magazine pretending to be a news story, it’s not even news.

(Yeah, it's not InStyle magazine, but I just like that picture.)

Scarlett Johansson coming to the conclusion that she has an attractive body, the same conclusion an overwhelming consensus of both men and women already agree on, is not news. If it was, I’d be reading articles about how Brad Pitt likes his abs, how Peter North likes his penis (and money shots), and how I’m proud of my cunnilingus skills*.

This story is lower than Man Bites Dog, let alone Dog Biting Man. Of course, Man Bites Panda trumps them all – found on aol.com:

Man Bites Panda at Beijing Zoo

BEIJING (Sept. 20) - A drunken Chinese migrant worker jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back, state media said Wednesday.

See that’s a news story. Moronic and ultimately inconsequential but still a news story. Plus, when you see that it’s not the only drunken foreigner having fun with animals – found on ananova.com:

Drunken cowboy arrested

A drunken German cowboy was arrested after he rode his horse into several pubs looking for a nightcap.

The 33-year-old trotted with his mount into several saloons in Geseke requesting: "Just one for the road - and an apple for Hendrik."

Hendrik the horse plodded faithfully around the town as his master fired a cap gun and at one stage fell off.

It wasn't long before the sherrif [sic] arrived and the night ended with the midnight cowboy sleeping it off in the local cells.

Hendrik was bedded down for the night at a stable with police horses. His owner faces a charge of being drunk in charge of a horse and a fine.

“Drunken Foreigners Abusing Animals” has the makings of a Fox News Special Report if you ask me. Push comes to shove, they can always ask Scarlett Johansen for her thoughts on this social epidemic. That's if they don't have video of the Man Biting the Panda.

By the way, Drunken German Cowboys? Really?

wojr

*Any news outlets interested in interviewing me about my cunnilingus skills can email me at wojr@aol.com.

Labels: Intoxication, News, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 6:44 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  This Is Where They Make Wojrs

Quote of the day, compliments of Patton Oswalt:

"NEW JERSEY - It smells like someone set rape on fire."

God, I miss the Garden State. I could so go for some pork roll right now.

wojr

Labels: Nostalgia, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 9:37 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  This Is Pretty Much How My Mind Works

I bought this week’s Entertainment Weekly.


Not Just for the remarkable photo of Eva Longoria and her pet ass, but for the promise of EW’s 50 Best High School Films Ever. EVER.

Now, I had just purchased the special edition DVDs of both Pretty in Pink and Some Kind of Wonderful last week. Given that overdose of the John Hughes, a retrospective of the fifty (that’s a five followed by a zero, if you didn’t know) top high school movies seems just perfect.

My complete thoughts on the films that made or did not make the EW high school list will have to wait for another post (I’ve been saying that a lot lately, huh?), but I will say that I was pissed that they only had write-ups for the top 25 films and then just listed the lower half – offering no justification for these bottom 25 picks. Those damn dick-teases over at Entertainment Weekly, they don’t even take the time to explain to me how Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire clocked in at Number 36 (while Some Kind of Wonderful, The Last American Virgin and PORKY’s are overlooked).

Does Goblet of Fire even take place in a high school? I can’t tell since most of the film is just three ridiculous exercises in child endangerment as the four students compete to win of all things, a glass cup. What’s up with that? A world populated with witches and wizards and the best prize they can come up with is a damn soup bowl.

Now, a prize worthy of that magical world would be 72 virgins in heaven or, better yet, immortality. I mean this is the Tri-Wizard Tournament not Fear Factor – why settle for crappy ass prizes, Mr. Potter? Even hockey players get more than the Stanley Cup if they win. Let’s up the ante.

Hell, let’s up the ante on the reality shows. I know if they were offering immortality and a couple of virgins to the winner of Survivor, I’d be more inclined to watch. Much more interesting than the “Segregation Island” fiasco that airs tonight.

Personally, I think Mark Burnett didn’t take it far enough in terms of the race issue. Where are the Arab and the Jewish teams? Let’s have the winner get the Gaza Strip. I bet more people would watch that than a CNN report. If America is already a bunch of infidels and devils in the eyes of the extremists, what do we have to lose?

See what happens when I stare at Eva Longoria’s ass too long? My mind just wonders.

Question for Discussion: which reality show would rather see set in the Middle East: Flavor of Love or Celebrity Fit Club or something else? And why?

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, Nostalgia, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 5:52 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  This Post Is Just So I Can Say “A Pimp-Related Mishap” and “Nazi Dinosaurs”

Back in college, I would write movie reviews for the college newspaper. I believe that I only did it for a semester or, at the very most, a year. To be honest, it got in the way of my drinking and/or couples’ counseling. Being the low man on the proverbial newspaper totem pole, I never got first crack at the various film choices. I usually received the third or fourth “top” movie opening that week. Hence, I got to write about some real dogs.

And by dogs – I mean some ugly ass bitches.

While writing about what fleas or ticks were on a particular dog of a movie that week fulfilled my need to dispel my bile and discontent, it did get old rather quickly. (I was a younger and less bitter wojr then. Now my need to express my hate and cynicism can never be quelled.) But I love movies and take joy in discussing them. Something I have done here occasionally.

I have been avoiding writing film reviews here. I have no real reason to express why, but I’ve been avoiding them just the same. With the fiancée out East, I’ve been able to see more of the motion pictures. (Whenever I read “motion pictures”, my mind imagines the phrase to be uttered by Woody Allen. Again, no real reason why, but I imagine it nonetheless.) This increase in film viewing has become possible since I’ve re-joined netflix.com (Insert obligatory plug here) and additionally find myself no longer required to clear my cinematic choices through said Filipino contingent.

For example, last Thursday night, I was able to catch the new Mike Judge film, Idiocracy. Most of you may not have heard about this movie since the good people at Twentieth Century Fox have made almost a negative effort in marketing it. They, then, chose to release it on only 130 screens in 7 cities. Doing so without even screening it for critics. (Something the two major releases for the Labor Day weekend, The Wicker Man and Crank, chose to do as well, but that’s a rant for another day.)

Before I walked into the theater, I had not seen a trailer or even a poster for Idiocracy. (In this age of the internet how could they not even slap a trailer on a website for god’s sake??) I did recall reading an interview in a magazine (I think it was Esquire because my ass is civilized.) with Judge, the creator of the Beavis & Butthead and King of the Hill cartoons, about his arduous efforts dealing with Fox just to get the damn thing released. Given my deep heterosexual love for Judge’s previous live-action film, Office Space, I was definitely interested to see the next film in his oeuvre.

Idiocracy is the story of an average Joe (swear to God, his name is Joe) that finds himself the guinea pig in a cryogenics experiment. After a pimp-related mishap, Joe (played by an affable Luke Wilson) wakes up in the year 2505 (the film was due out in 2005) to find himself the smartest person on the planet (I’ll stop using parentheses now).

The movie does take the time to explain how the ignorant have taken control via sheer humping – given how the Jerry Springer set have sex with more frequency and more partners than those with higher IQ and the self-awareness to use birth control. Expounded out five centuries and the idiots are all that’s left. Given that in the future the President is a wrestler, the number one television show is just a guy getting hit in the nuts, and people get their education from Costco, it is not a huge leap of faith to embrace this vision of the future.

Overall the film is far from perfect. It has its share of fleas, but the movie is enjoyable. Idiocracy is a solid “dumb comedy” that you won’t feel stupid for enjoying. Judge’s comments on consumerism, mass media and the group think/mob mentality are totally spot-on. At the very least, Maya Rudolph and her motherhood enhanced breasts are worth a rental.

The point of this post though – isn’t really to commend Judge for his efforts, but to condemn Fox for the lack of theirs. I just can not understand why Fox hasn’t thrown some support behind this movie. The Rip Van Winkle storyline is far from being a high concept/difficult sale, Mike Judge is a rare recognizable commodity in terms of writer/directors and the film is chuck full of trailer moments. Plus, given how the theatrical release of Judge’s last film, Office Space, was mishandled, you would think the studio would have been apprehensive to make the same mistakes.

There must be a reason for their inaction. I’ve heard allegations that Tim Rothman, the head of Fox, is the “kind of guy that’d go out of his way to cockblock his own projects in order to stick to some one he doesn’t like.” (-aintitcoonews.com) I’m sure that’s something Fox stockholders must love, but they can’t be surprised. You don’t invest in Hollywood without accounting for a pissing contest or two.

So, if you live in the following cities, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Atlanta, Chicago, Los Angeles and Toronto, I would recommend going to see Idiocracy.

Of course, I’d recommend any film that had Nazi Dinosaurs in it.

And Idiocracy has Nazi Dinosaurs.

wojr

Labels: Advice, Crackers, Hollywood, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 5:53 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Further Proof that wojr.com is Ahead of the Curve

Remember our little “Sociological Experiments” we ran on wojr.com? You know, the one way back in June of 2004 followed by the one March of 2006? Basically, we posted totally unrealistic personal ads on craigslist.org and looked at the results. In essence, showing how stupid and/or horny men can be.

Well, the good folks over at bloggasm.com did a more scientific form of this ruse in August of 2006 that basically showed how horny men can be.

My experiment, as well as the one bloggasm.com, did not release any personal information tied to the responses from said personal ads. Honestly, I thought that would be wrong and might open wojr.com to some legal gray areas.

Well, now (meaning September of 2006), RFJason and demure have taken these little experiments into that gray area. They “borrowed” a woman’s rather raunchy personal ad looking for rough sex which included spanking, hand cuffs and a request to be wojed on her “nips and face” (She didn’t actually use the term “wojed” but I blame you, the loyal readers, for not making that word a national craze yet) and posted it on Seattle’s craigslist.

They, then, posted all the responses with email address and submitted pictures here showing again how stupid/horny men can be. (Link is NSFW – actually, if you don’t want to see penis pictures, it is not safe for you either).

So, if you were looking for some rough sex in the Seattle area, you might want to check out that site and see if your info is out there for the world to see. Hell, if you date some guy in the Seattle area, I'd go make sure he's not trying to stray.

If you just want a good laugh and can stomach some strange cock shots, I'd recommend going over to read some of these emails. My personal fav is the simple response, "i love ur pu$$y i wanna fuke it hard when we can meet?" I think that's my new pickup line.

I’d like to think that I inspired all this but...

Actually, fuke it, I will think that. My ego can never be fully satisfied anyhow.

Maybe I’ll throw my hat back in the ring and put up another ad? Something like this:

Horny blonde co-ed seeks hardcore drilling, all holes filled and please woj into my belly button. All I ask in return is permission to put your email address and photograph on my website of desperate men that want to sleep with me.

Think I’d get any responses?

wojr

Labels: Sex, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 4:07 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Scientology Conspiracy Theory #24420 or How Xenu & the Galactic Confederacy Can Save Suri’s Soul, Just Not Travolta’s

wojr.com would like to offer this brief recap on This Week in Scary Scientology:

We started off the week with Brooke Shield’s disclosure that Tom Cruise had apologized to her for saying she violated his religion’s doctrine on medication and postpartum depression. (Which in Cruise’s defense, she did violate.) Brooke, however, still owes me an apology for Suddenly Susan.

Then Katie Couric debuted her sweet ass on CBS with the unveiling of Vanity Fair’s pictures of the second coming, Suri. (I used to have such the hankering for Katie Holmes. Now, she's lost to me. It's almost like when a porn star finds God and quits the biz.)

So, it’s pretty obvious that Cruise is trying to trying to clean up his public image. You know, the one where he’s bat-shit crazy.

However, this week also saw the National Enquirer reveal this image of John Travolta kissing a dude:

Not that there's anything wrong with that. (I'm just saying that to kowtow to my gay and lesbian audience. There is something very wrong with that photo.)

And then USA today released this image of Travolta reprising Divine's role of Edna Turnblad in the upcoming film, Hairspray:

I wouldn't hit that with Vitti's dick.

Jenna Elfman and Jason Lee, strangely enough, were not in the news at all this week. However, I will slip a quote from a Jason Lee role at the end of the piece and Jenna Elfman still owes me an apology for Dharma & Greg.

So, here’s my conspiracy theory:

I think the Church of Scary Scientology is offering up John Travolta to the mass media as a sacrificial lamb in order to save Tom Cruise.

I can understand their thinking. Travolta is the king of the cinematic comeback. He can weather the storm, play around with his planes and wait for the next Tarantino to cast him in something hip.

Tom Cruise can't handle a comeback. The boy can't handle a blemish. He might self implode and then sue himself to re-assert his heterosexuality.

Overall, I'm not impressed with these actions. I expected more from my L. Ron peeps. I think their battle against Xenu is distracting them from their Public Relations duties.

Now, if Cruise apologized to that "erotic wrestler" he sued, then we’re talking about something.

Anything else is just "bullshit posturing". (Thank you, Banky Edwards!)

And by the way, wojr.com does not owe any apologies.

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 2:03 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  We Could Call It The Church of the Everlasting Fleshpopsicle*

So, Friday’s post got me thinking over the weekend and I believe that I may stumbled on to a way to solve the whole ‘Same Sex Marriage’ issue. Or at the very least, a new legal strategy in favor of it.

Start new churches.

Make them exactly like the current religions du jour - be it Catholicism, Judaism, Baptism, etc – just make allowances for gay marriages. (Just avoid Voodooism and Satanism, the homosexuals get enough bad press as it is.)

Keep all the other more popular moral decrees, but make same sex marriage part of the religion. Better yet, make it a sacrament.

Thus, when told that marriage is wrong by your government official, cry religious persecution and point to the first amendment.

I realize that there must be a flaw in my thinking – especially given the illegality of polygamy. However, I would want to see the argument be made nonetheless. By Constitutional scholars rather than deluded bloggers like myself.

Marriage, first and foremost, is a social institution. That’s what came first, the institution not the sacrament. The two can exist separately from one another, just like how Church and State are supposed to exist.

Plus, with all these new religions popping, we can get some additional religious holidays added to the calendar. For the example, the Church of Madden** could get the Monday after the Super Bowl declared a holiday.

And if you have the football fans behind the cause of same sex unions, what other bridges are there to cross?

(I promise to make the next post less preachy and a little more comical.)

wojr

* Please note that the Church of the Everlasting Fleshpopsicle is no way affiliated with the Church of the Everlasting Gobstopper, the Church of the Perpetual Wojr or the Church of Magnanimous Luminescence and Gentrification.

** Yes, the Church of Madden would worship either a statue of Brett Favre or a Turkey Leg.

Labels: Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 2:21 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  If I Had a Quarter for Every Time My Grandmother Wanted an Obscene License Plate

Found on local6.com (via attu):

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- A Central Ohio grandmother fought for and won the right to keep her personalized license plate after allegations that they were profane.

Pat Niple, 74, said she wants to set the record straight about her problem, WCMH-TV reported.

"I'm not an obscene granny," Niple said.

Niple's personalized license plates are NWTF, an abbreviation of Northwood Tree Farm -- a business she owned with her late husband. It also means something else, officials said.

Niple went to an Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles office to get some answers. A clerk had to whisper what the acronym means to some people.

"Now what the – and the last word begins with an 'f,'" Niple said.

Fleshpopsicle? I bet it was fleshpopsicle.

Now, while I find it somewhat funny that the woman is a grandmother and even funnier that her last name is Niple, I only point this story out in order to tell a story of my own.

The other day, I ran out of the office to grab some lunch – a salad for those of you keeping score at home.

However, I forgot to bring my cell phone with its built-in camera, so I was not able to take a picture of what I saw – but I’ll try my best to describe the sight.

A brand new Ford Mustang pulls up to the intersection next to my office with the following vanity license plate:

“♥KMLTOE”

Loves Cameltoe?

Gotta give the guy points for his testicular fortitude in sporting that license plate. Of course, he might have just lost a bet.

Either way, I wish I had brought my phone because a picture would have been a whole lot interesting than this.

Actually, now that I think about it - I apologize for even wasting your time with this story. This long, boring story about license plates, grandmothers and "how when a woman's pants are so tight, the fabric actually creeps into their beaver".

If you feel like your time has been wasted reading this post, email me your mailing address at hatemail@wojr.com and I’ll mail you a quarter for your troubles. (One request honored per household.)

Here’s a picture of the quarter to make up for the lack of a photo of that Cameltoe license plate:


wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 12:15 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Old as Christ, but Not Old as Dirt

For most of you, today is a special day because Paris Hilton finally drops her debut album on the masses. According to my favorite millionaire whore, Paris, "I, like, cry, when I listen to [her record], it's so good."

For myself, today is special because I reach the ripe old age of 33 today.

Yes, wojr is now as old as Jesus.

Personally, I was hoping to get some Christ-like powers when I woke up this morning.

Tried to turn the water in my toilet to wine. Hell, I would have settled on some malt liquor. But that was a no go.

I’m keeping my eye out for some blind beggars, but I only found some regular ones. So, I still might be able to restore someone’s sight. I might need that home Lasik kit for that one though.

Personally, I’m a little weary about trying to raise the dead. Most dead bodies are locked up in coffins and buried six feet deep. What if I succeed and the poor guy I resurrect is just stuck in the ground forever?? God knows I won’t be digging him up. I’m too old for manual labor. Maybe I’ll stop by a wake tonight and see what magic I can work on the open casket crowd.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong but didn’t Jesus have some kind of Solar Death Ray? That would be cool power to have. Even a regular Death Ray would suffice. Maybe only the Ark of the Covenant came with that feature. I’ll have to check with Mel Gibson.

By the way, what the fuck is that BEEE-YATCH Paris Hilton doing releasing her album on MY birthday?? I’d be ok with a new porno from her – but a CD.

Sometimes it feels like the whole world’s against me.

Just like they were against Jesus.

wojr

Labels: Nostalgia, Religion, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 1:18 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Wojr is Actually Spanish for Fighting Chicken

For those that do not know, the Urban Dictionary is a netdemocratic guide to street slang. I can not lay claim to the word ‘netdemocratic’, I stole that. I stumbled upon the netdemocratic site when my white ass needed to know what the hell S’KEET was – thanks entirely to Dave Chappelle’s black ass.

While there, I, given my heightened level of self-involvement, found the following:

According to the Urban Dictionary, ‘woj’ can mean:

1. A legendary gaming community
2. Ass, Arsehole, Ring, Bum hole.
3. a really tall dildo man

I knew about these definitions for a while now but personally, I can't see woj meaning those things. I know that I’m an ass. It is true, but that has nothing to do with my name or nickname. Also, I have no idea what “a really tall dildo man” is. How tall is really tall anyway?

Push comes to shove however, I would imagine woj meaning the same thing as s’keet. And yes, s’keet means to ejaculate.

Think about it. If you uttered the following sentence, "I wojed on her face" - the first bodily fluid that would come to your mind would be semen. Even if you had a vagina.

While I like the idea of my name having ties to ejaculation, I was going to let the whole thing go until I read the following on valleywag.com:

Don't ask us how we got it, or how many honkeys and limeys we had to kill for it, but after the jump [ON THEIR SITE NOT HERE] is Verizon Wireless's list of [EIGHTY-THREE] inadmissable naughty words. Verizon content providers (including many online news and entertainment sources) are banned from using obvious words like "fuck" and its derivatives, a smattering of racial slurs, and "queer" and "lesbo" -- always a perfect way to pick a fight with more audacious gay rights activists. Ahh, the freedom of communication under New Media.

As one can imagine, I’m not a fan of censorship on any level. I FUCKING HATE CENSORSHIP. Hell, I might dress up like Mohammed for Halloween just to show my support of the first amendment. I just need to find a good picture of him to see what the guy looks like. Right now, I expect him to look a lot like Raj.

Back to the point, I’m pissed off at Verizon Wireless over their policies and I’m not even trying to be one of their content providers. But their list has some comedy gems. Like--

Who gave them the right to say that ‘fleshpopsicle’ is a naughty word? Have they every seen the smile on a child’s face when you offer them a nice fleshpopsicle on a hot summer day? I think not.

What the hell is a ‘rubyredbag’ and why should that word be banned? Sounds like something out of Hobbit porn. “And then Sam licked the folds of Frodo’s rubyredbag.”

And really, ‘fornicate’ and ‘sodomize’ are on somebody’s watch list but ‘woj’ isn’t?? Woj could be a really tall dildo man and you already have ‘dildo’ on your watch list, Verizon. Come on people, let’s get in the game.

Speaking of game, I even checked the NFL’s list of 1,159 words you can’t put on the holiest of holies, a NFL jersey. Woj and Wojr are both ok, but I think that list is suspect since there is no mention of Ron Mexico and the page has lots of ads for homosexual websites.

Although, I do wonder why 'AXING THE WEASEL' was a no go with my NFL peeps.

Now, one might ask why if I am so against censorship would I want my name to be censored?

Well, I see the censorship of the words ‘woj’ or ‘wojr’ as just an initial step to utter reverence for those same names. You know, like Yahweh. Getting yourself on the same level as of a god of consuming fire takes time, I know. But I’m willing to work at it, put in the extra hours, roll up my sleeves and make it happen.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Anyhow--

To Summarize the Main Idea of this Post: I’m Trying to Get My Name To Equal Splooge in the Minds of America

Is that too much to ask for?

wojr

Labels: Crackers, Snide Remarks, woj

  ¶ 10:31 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  SNAKE-EYES, HOWEVER, IS ALL ABOUT THE TANG

I really don't remember GI Joe being so.. so.. FLAMING.



As the Village People like to say,

"Where can you find pleasure
Search the world for treasure
Learn science technology

In the navy Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy Yes, you can put your mind at ease"

And by mind, they really mean sphincter.

wojr

Labels: Nostalgia, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 10:26 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  ANOTHER BAD DAY?

Things could be worse:

Your anus could start whistling the song from "The Bridge Over The River Kwai." Without ever stopping.

Instead of getting a raise, the state garnishes your wages.

Your significant other could ask you to go on "Springer" because of a secret that begs to be revealed.

Beer could be sold only in ziploc bags.

Not only could both men and women menstruate, but they could do it via their tearducts.

There could be pictures of you torturing Iraqi prisoners of war.

There could be pictures of you with a bullwhip up your bottom.

All your favorite television shows could be off the air or moved back to 2005. (That one hurts me. Worse than the bullwhip.)

Your boss could change your Job Title to "Ass Pirate".

You could be like me and your girlfriend could get free front row concert tickets. To Dido. Tonight.

Fucking Dido.

HAPPY HAPPY HUMP DAY.

wojr

Labels: Advice, My Writing, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 5:12 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  PRANK CALLING GOD

Call #1

RECEPTIONIST: Good Morning, St. *******'s Church.
CALLER: Is this God's house?
RECEPTIONIST: Yes, it is.
CALLER: Is He in?
RECEPTIONIST: God?
CALLER: Yep.
RECEPTIONIST: Well, God is in all of us.
CALLER: That's pretty funny.
RECEPTIONIST: Why would that be funny?
CALLER: Because I was feeling kind of bloated. I think God is trying to get out.

*Click*

Call #2

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon, Our **** of Perpetual ******.
CALLER: Is this the Church?
RECEPTIONIST: Yes.
CALLER: Catholic Church, right?
RECEPTIONIST: Yes.
CALLER: Do you get many Born-Again Catholics?
RECEPTIONIST: Well, some of parishioners have renewed their ties with God.
CALLER: And renounced their previous wanton ways?
RECEPTIONIST: I suppose that is accurate.
CALLER: So, they gave up any evil items that might lead them to sin?
RECEPTIONIST: I don't understand what you mean by "gave up"?
CALLER: Their porn. What did they do with THEIR PORN? Do you have it?

*Click*

Call #3

RECEPTIONIST: St. ****** the *******.
CALLER: Yes, I have a question on the commandments.
RECEPTIONIST: Would you like to speak to a priest?
CALLER: Nah, you'll do.
RECEPTIONIST: What is your query, sir?
CALLER: Well, the fourth commandment.
RECEPTIONIST: Honoring the Sabbath?
CALLER: Right, that's all it says, "Thou shall not break the Sabbath." Nothing about going to Church.
RECEPTIONIST: But attending Church is the best way to honor the Lord's Day.
CALLER: Can't I worship God at home though?
RECEPTIONIST: You can worship God anywhere, but our Church allows you to be..
CALLER: But, I don't like your Church.
RECEPTIONIST: Why is that, sir?
CALLER: You have one of those Hippie churches. Everything is made from wood. I like my Churches to be granite.
RECEPTIONIST: Sir, our Church is more than just building materials.
CALLER: No one nailed Jesus to granite.
silence
RECEPTIONIST: Would you like to speak to a priest?
CALLER: Nah, you'll do.

*Click*

I'm sure God has a sense of humor.

wojr

Labels: My Writing, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 2:37 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Good Thing Our Forefathers Weren't Racist or Anything

Question of the day:



Is the man depicted on the cover "Gatunga the Axe-Man!" or "Jimmy Walker"?

Either way, DYNOOOO-MITE!!!

wojr

Labels: Nostalgia, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 11:17 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  You Show Me A White Kid Named Xerox & I'll Give You A Dollar

So really, what is in a name?

Gwyneth had a little baby girl and named her, Apple. Personally, I like the name. However, most people are just reminded that celebrities have an odd habit of bestowing unusual names to their offspring.

According to this article on MSN, some stellar names for the celebrity progeny include Rumer, Audio Science, Speck, Jermajesty and Fifi Trixibelle. Basically, the article took some cheap shots at the popular folk and insured the children's future dependence on psychological therapy.

Of course, the article fails to mention the crazy names us regular folk give their kids.

From the April issue of Psychology Today:

"Today's parents seem to believe they can alter their child's destiny by the picking the perfect - preferably idiosyncratic - name. (Destiny, incidentally, was the ninth most popular name for girls in New York City last year.) The current crop of preschoolers includes a few Uniques, with uncommonly named playmates like Kyston, Payton and Sawyer. From Dakota to Heaven, Integrity to Serenity, more babies are being named after places and states of mind."

They then go on to list some real names, seen and heard. Here are a few of my favorites:

Armani        Hutch
Atom          Larceny
Attila        Legend
Bigamy*       Loveless
Blade         Lucky
Bologna       Luscious
Camry         Maverick
Cappuccino    Oat
Cashmere*     Ptolemy
Cerulean      Rayon
Chanel        Sincerity*
Cherry*       Sparkle*
Coal          Special*
Denim         Starsky
Desperate     Timberland
Dilemma       Tookie
Dung          Toyota
Emancipation  Tragedy
Espn          Truth
Famous*       Vienna*
Halston       Xerox


The starred names need not adopt a porn name. These individuals can proceed directly to the set for their boy-boy-girl scene.

What cruel parents name their kids Loveless, Tragedy, Desperate or Dung? I mean if you really want to give your kids a feeling of individuality - give them a different family name. There are really no new family names being introduced into the name pool. Sure, we get some funky immigrant names like Wojciak to offset the Browns and Smiths, but those names are only new to you. It's not like they haven't been circulating in their home countries for hundreds of years.

So, if you want your child to be an individual, give them a different family name. Plus, it gives you plausible deniability when the kid starts messing his life up.

(By the way, do you think Starsky and Hutch might be related? I imagine them to be little twin girls. Twin girls that grow up to hot women that men will fantasy about sleeping with, but never actually will. Why? Because the only thing that sounds more homosexual then claiming, "Yeah, I banged Starsky & Hutch" is "I was gang raped by the Village People.")

wojr

Labels: Advice, News, Porn, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 4:37 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Let The Punishment Fit The Cranium

Not the most timely idea but go with it.

If an American citizen commits a hate crime against a person of Middle Eastern heritage, I think as additional punishment the attacker should be forced to wear a turban for the rest of their life.

Not only is it a solid deterrent, but it would make me laugh. Imagine going down to the Piggly Wiggly to get some milk & fresh bait and Billy Bob behind the counter is saddled with a nice head wrap. I would laugh so hard that a little pee might dribble out.

That's what our criminal system needs - more laughs and less torture of POWs.

wojr

Labels: Advice, Political, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 9:28 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  But Hasn't Everything Become Just White Noise?

Just watched the utterly uneventful finale of The Practice. Live. Which means I couldn't TIVO my way through all the annoying commercials. Which brings me to what is bothering me today. Car commercials. Is it me or are they all the same? With exception to a few interesting VW ads, all car commercials just appear exactly the same. They are becoming white noise. Just there in the background, utterly ignored. No matter how low the damn APR.

But (and here is the big 'BUT') can we all just assume, as a society, that if it is a car commercial, the car is being driven by a professional driver on a closed road? Can we just take that for granted and when it's not a professional driver on a closed road, when it's, like, some idiot amateur driving down the Garden State Parkway on a Friday during the summer, then we can get the legal notification?

And by the way, coffee is served hot, shampoo feels unpleasant in your eyes, and too much McDonald's will make your ass so wide it can house every legal disclaimer known to man.

All these damn warnings everywhere are preventing the necessary thinning of our herd.

Whatever, I'm going to bed. Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow to find out Andy Kaufman is still alive.

wojr

Labels: Advice, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 11:17 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  So, Do You Get Hard at the Museum of Natural History?

While in South Carolina, we all went to the great bar, Flying Saucer, where the waitresses are all dressed up in Catholic School uniforms. Forget the tanks tops and orange shorts of Hooters, this was plaid skirts and knee-high stockings. I must have uttered the phrase, "THIS IS GENIUS!", a few dozen times in the first five minutes. As I told my Aunt, a dozen years of Catholic education provided me with one thing, a fetish.

But at least I am not as deranged as this guy:

"BigClawz is a website which contains stuff related mainly to macrophilia, herpetophilia, and claw feet. That's right, claw feet :) Confused? Ok ok, lemmie explain, "macrophilia" is a love of giant beings, and, "herpetophilia" means love of lizards, reptiles and dragon like things. Combine the too and what do you get? Well a good example would be Godzilla, and I trust you all know who he is :) Yes, to us, Godzilla is ... well, sexy, and that's the truth, pretty unusual huh? Ohh and let's not forget the clawfeet! Yup, you guessed it, we also have "claw foot fetishes". So, basically, Godzilla looming over a building and stomping it with his huge foot is porn."

Puts Bronc's fascination with midgets in its proper perspective, doesn't it?

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 3:03 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  LOOK CLOSER

First, we have what might been just another moment in the history of guys that did not get laid.. ever:



But, if you look closer:



"THE GIRL EVERY FRENCHMAN WANTS"?? I don't know. Is every Frenchman after a tropical transsexual with the ferocity of a caged lion? Maybe.

Secondly, we have a pair of attractive women:



But, if you look closer:



You have the makings of a Penthouse Forum letter.

Now, you may ask what the point of all this is? It's easy. Third Sex, Threesome.



Today's number of the day is THREE.

(And no, I have not been drinking.)

wojr

Labels: Intoxication, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 1:18 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  I Wouldn't Trust Jeb Bush With This Election Either

When I mentioned yesterday that religion needed better ways of advertising, this is vaguely what I was I talking about.



It would be the first time a Persian would carry the Redneck vote.

wojr

Labels: Political, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 10:23 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  It's Not Like I Want The Taxes To Be RETROACTIVE

Saturday, I was trying to cross the street when this car pulls up in front of me. The vehicle contains three quasi-elderly women so I have no real fear of being robbed or raped. (Hope, but no fear.) Thinking they needed directions, I leaned over so my eyes are at their eye-level instead of my crotch. And what did they do?

Offer me some crappy pamphlet in addition to salvation in the Almighty Lord Jesus Christ.

Which just puts me in the worst mood ever.

First off, I want to know what aspect about me says that I need, let alone want, salvation? Don't I just exude content with my sinning ways?

Secondly, does Jesus need the extra public relations? Do people not know who Jesus is? Hasn't Mel Gibson fixed that problem?

Lastly, do we really need drive-by conversions? (Also, why didn't the salvation of my soul at least warrant them parking the car first and coming up to me on foot? No, all my ever-lasting soul gets is a California roll.) Are churches and synagogues camouflaged now? Do we not know where the Gods live anymore?

I'll concede that the literature distribution must net them some converts. These people have been doing it for way too long not to have any success. If it didn't work, they would have stopped by now. Their batting average can't be that good though, but once they get you. OH BOY. They've got you. Lock, stock and barrel, man. Let the tithing begin.

Now don't get me wrong, I am all for freedom of religion in this country. I think any church can set up shop, open the doors, put an ad in the yellow pages and see who shows up. I may bitch about the advertising, but they just need some wittier slogans for me to get over that. Telling me I'll burn forever in a lake of hellfire won't make me a fan too quickly.

My problem, however, is with the money. In my opinion, our country gives way too much money to religion. Especially the South. Religion is big business. Has been for the last five, six hundred years and I accept that. If there is a market for it, well, you can't blame the business for selling it. But we can tax them. WE CAN TAX THE HELL OUT OF THEM.

I mean, I'm not the biggest fan of defense spending. But it helps the nation's economy. It means more jobs for Americans, more capital in the marketplace. Defense contractors while probably overcharging the government, have to pay taxes on that income. Their employees have to pay income taxes as well. The money comes full circle. It ends up helping education, research grants, more defense spending, flying G.W. out on another family vacation.

Now, I know some money given to churches goes towards social programs, food programs - various things that help the community. Kudos to them. But not all the money goes there. Who pays for those huge cathedrals & synagogues, the solid gold tabernacles and Stars of David, payoffs to families of the sexually assaulted, or whatever it is the Hare Krishnas need? But hey, it is the churches' money, let them spend it as they see fit. But why should they be excluded from paying taxes? If not income tax, how about sales tax? Hey, if it reduces the taxes of their worshippers, that should mean more discretionary income for their followers which should mean more donations in the offering basket. Right?

It seems to make sense, but it may just be me. I can be bitter. I have an afterlife of fire and brimstone to look forward to.

wojr

Labels: Advice, My Writing, Political, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 5:39 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  'Have the Dogs Stopped Screaming, Clarice?'

On the way to work, an odd thought occurred to me.

When you walk by a house with a dog or when a car goes by with a dog hanging out the window, you know how, more often than not, those dogs will just start barking at you? There are just dogs that will just bark themselves silly, like their very existence depended on it, trying to get your attention.

What if those barks are actually cries for help?

I'm not saying all of these dogs are being held captive against their will. But what if it is true for only 10% of the dogs? That 10% still totals over 600 thousand dogs in America alone. And we don't even eat dogs here.

But don't get me wrong, I'm glad dogs can't form words. Because if they did, you know they would never shut the hell up. And it goes a little something like this..

"Hey, where's my food? Hey, where's my bone? Hey buddy, want to go play catch? Play catch? Play catch? Wanna go for a walk? Man, that leash is tight. Can't you loosen it up? How about I shit in your slippers if you don't loosen that leash up? You know what? I hate dry dog food. How about the moist stuff? How about some steak for that matter? Don't look at me like that, brother. You snipped my balls. I can't get laid no more. So for sure I'm going to talk your ear off. Just remember I'm man's best friend. I'm the best friend your sorry ass is going to get. Now, how about some cold water here? This dish has been out in the sun all day long. It nearly scolded my tongue. Man, this hotel sucks. The service is horrible. Your leg looks good though. If I could get it up, I would hump that like there was no tomorrow."

Scary thing is - I had to make myself stop typing. I could have gone on and on and on.

So, next time a dog barks at you for no reason, don't be afraid to call animal services. You might be saving a life.

wojr

Labels: Advice, My Writing, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 10:19 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  The Odd Paths to WOJR.COM

From now through the end of the month, things are going to be rather hectic in the Wojciak household. A down to the wire script deadline, a massive school project, finishing up this site as well the regular rigmarole of being me are going to postpone any possibility of real sleep to May.

But I can still find time to be an utter geek.

One of the more interesting aspects of manning this site is seeing how people actually find it. Some use book marks. Some click on links. Others mercifully click on the links I email them (if you're a friend, it's technically not spam). But the ones I really feel sorry for are the ones that stumble here via a search engine.

Now, I don't mean the ones that enter in "wojr" and are surprised to find my site. I'm talking about the following people:

Someone looking for "high speed police chase-procedure" stumbled on my comic script, Dichotomy. Hope you enjoyed it.

Two people also found Dichotomy by typing in "randolph and mortimer." I'll assume they were both Trading Places fans.

One poor soul was looking for an "article on linda cardellini in sunday's paper" and found this journal entry. Hope you weren't a Scooby Doo fan.

Another wayward internet surfer was looking for "that girl grace" and found Lost Monuments. I think my Grace is much cooler than "that" one.

Not sure what the person that entered "sentences on confronted" was looking for, but they got the end of my Larry Flynt story.

One person actually typed in "Michael Wojciak." What the hell were they thinking?

Some Jack Black fan actually typed "if laura and her bourgeois lawyer friends can't handle it" into a search engine and for that they get my respect.

But lastly, some person in their search for "high school gym shorts" was lead to my obituary. And that gives me pause. Am I going to live a life that some person will forever associate with gym shorts? Well, there are worse things to be associated with.

Like the thing growing on this woman's chin.



God, I just can't get over that thing. It calls out to me.

wojr

Labels: My Writing, Odd Search Results, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 5:19 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  And The Bunnies Just Keep On Hopping

On eBay, a book of 1940s San Francisco PD mugshots is up for auction here. Containing mostly female convicts (you know, those bunny rabbits I was talking about), some of the images are absolutely priceless. Here are a few:



Mixture of Mexican & Irish in 1940s - this poor girl never had a chance.



I don't know what scares me more - the thing on her chin or the fact that her chest hair is an identifying item. (Edited: Oh, her hair is the color chestnut.)



According to the Urban Dictionary, a chickenhead is "a female who spends her time primarily looking for men to engage in sex with, which may or may not include oral sex; a female who lacks common sense and is primarily dependent on the male gender."

It pains me as a writer that a picture is truly worth a thousand words.

wojr

Labels: Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 4:53 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Michael Francis Wojciak: Cyber-Pimp to the Bunny Rabbit

(Warning: While discussing bunny rabbits can not really be considered racy subject matter, the links contained in this entry are. So keep in mind that they are really not workplace appropriate. Also, please know that no bunny rabbits were injured during the course of this piece and wojr.com does not condone the whoring or pandering of any rabbit (except when they dressed Bugs Bunny up as a hot girl - I need to get me some of that tail).)

Some of you out there have been kind enough to offer up suggestions on what topics I should address here. While comments like "you should write about whores" are always pleasing to the ears, we here at wojr.com prefer your hate mail. All subject matter is being offered at the whim of its author, me. Now, while whores, paid or drunken in variety, will always hold a special place in my heart, I must be the navigator of my own ship, the master of my own destiny. So, instead of whores, the focus of today's rant will be bunny rabbits. Bunny rabbits will not serve as a metaphor for whores at all, because I will not bow to the whims of the masses. No matter how massive he might be.

Now, as we all have seen and borne witness, the Internet has become an integral part of our society. For many, it has become their primary source for news, pornography, news about pornography, commerce and social interaction. It is the combination of the last two items that we'll be focusing on, the combination of social interaction and commerce.

The business of female rabbits offering sexual favors in exchange for goods and services predates the existence of paper currency, possibly even gold currency as well. Their trade is often referred to as the oldest profession. However, the bunnies' business has never been as publicly displayed as it is today on the Internet. No longer do these tawdry rabbits shake their fluffy little tails up and down seedy avenues and street corners selling their wares. They now promote the sale of their sweet bunny love via websites and escort malls.

Sites like The Eros Guide, CityVibe and ThatMall house hundreds of classified ads for these flagrant mammals of the family Leporidae. (That's right, I said 'Leporidae'.) Fat rabbits, Porn Star bunnies, elderly hares and even some bunnies with rabbit dicks all seem to be open for business. Hourly rates are proudly displayed as well as the 'extent' of service they offer.

Here's the kicker though, the part that makes me bow down and admire the endless possibility of the Internet - there are even websites that review these bunnies.

Ingenious male rabbits have gone about setting up places like The Erotic Review where the female bunnies are rated based on appearance, pricing, ability and depravity. According to some comments, all it takes is a few extra carrots and all inputs become available for your.. well, for your carrot. Now, for a few extra carrots, I guess I will write any story you want, but no one will be jumping in my rabbit hole, Broncatello.

So, what does this say about anything? It just shows that the world is a scary place, but the Internet is a scarier one. However, it feels good to know that my offerings here are not going to be the bottom of this Internet barrel, even when I make transsexual rabbit references.

Just remember, it is all in the name of story research, my friend. It's all for the benefit of the story. No whores were hurt, poked or prodded in the research for this piece.

wojr

Labels: Porn, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 4:21 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  ANOTHER REASON WHY CHILDHOOD IS BETTER THAN ADULTHOOD

McDonalds to offer Adult 'Happy Meals'? I just don't see what the hell makes these things happy? Maybe if they came with a lapdance?

From cnn.com:
Michael Jacobson, executive director of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, credited McDonald's with taking "some small steps in the right direction" Thursday but said they don't go nearly far enough. "If McDonald's wanted to improve the public's health... it could stop using partially hydrogenated oils in its fries, which contain trans fats and are a powerful promoter of heart disease."

Ten bucks says the Center for Science in the Public Interest is funded by Burger King.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 9:01 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  No, Frank Miller Wrote the Dark Knight Returns

From the NY Times:
"At 88 Arthur Miller is busier and more productive than many playwrights half his age, with two new plays circling New York. 'I leapfrog plays,' he said during a recent interview. He explained that he will start a play, then put it aside, and often begin another. Stacked in his studio at his home in Connecticut - and in his mind - are beginnings, or at least ideas, for future works, just waiting for a spark that will send him back into action."

To me - that is utterly inspiring. It's exactly what I would want to be doing at 88 (and ties strongly into the script I'm currently working on.).

But, dude, you might want to start working on finishing that stack. You are EIGHTY-EIGHT years old. You're like OLD.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 3:09 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Yet Another Sign of the Apocalypse

From foxsports.com:
We caught the last bit of the Miss USA Pageant last night. Are they always this dense? Yes, they're all hot, but we were laughing out loud at some of their answers to pageant questions.

For example, they asked Miss Oklahoma, "If you could have dinner with one person in the world, who would it be?" Who'd she choose? President Bush? The Pope? Nelson Mandela? She thought really, really hard and came up with Justin Timberlake.

I didn't watch the Miss USA Pageant (which seems strange given my Victoria's Secret rant yesterday), but I had better things to do. So, I can't vouch for any of this, but I heard the actual question involved anyone in the world, living or dead. So, that would include Jesus, Albert Einstein and John Holmes in the list of people that JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE would have beaten.

Boy, I bet Lance Bass is pissed. I bet that hurt him almost as much as not going up on the Russian Space Taxi.

And whom did the rocket scientist from Oklahoma lose to? The pig wrestler from Missouri that likes the fast food. Too bad Jessica Simpson didn't compete; she could have walked away with this bad boy without breaking a sweat. Of course, she's married and no longer a Miss.

Seriously though, we need to start thinning the herd and I hate to say it, but the pretty ones may need to be the first people to go. I honestly think Wayne Brady "may need to choke a bitch".

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 12:30 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THIS ONE (IF I BELIEVED IN HELL)


Memo from God (aka Allah) to All Terrorists

"Hey fellas,

I think there has been some misinformation spread among you and your cohorts. There are no virgins in Heaven. We give everyone a 'go' at the Pearly Gates to make sure no frigid bitches make it in here. It's kinda like that Patrick Swayze movie, Road House, where the bouncers have their way with the underage lady bar customers. Man, I love that Swayze guy. I wish I could get my hair like that.

So, dudes, I'm sorry but, unless you're after the male virgins, I can't even spare you one 'unspoiled' piece of ass, let alone whatever ungodly number you've all been promised.

Get it? 'Ungodly'? Man, that cracks me up.

Sayounara Bitches, I'm off to pull me 'a Fredo'.

Big Poppa"

wojr

Labels: My Writing, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 8:54 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  Alright This Has Stopped Being Funny..

From eonline.com:
Partly as a result of Janet Jackson's Super Bowl boob stunt and the current FCC crackdown on indecency, Victoria's Secret confirming it is canceling its nationally televised fashion show this year.

Stop the country, I want to get off.

Ever since I started this damn site, I've wanted to rail against this Janet Jackson Nipple-Ring Return to Sanctimony Bullshit that has been semi-sweeping the undercurrent of our country, but I didn't.

First of all, it seemed like too obvious a target. In my humble opinion, attacking Happy Days takes skill, while the Jackson issue is the easy lay-up.

Secondly, I didn't want to call any more attention to it (even what feeble attention my words would warrant). I just wanted the whole thing to go away.

BUT IT IS NOT GOING AWAY.

It is entrenching itself like a local Walmart. Here we are, almost three months later and the damn Nipplegate fiasco is still rolling. (By the way, have we now officially run out of words to slap in front of 'gate'? When is that nonsense going to end? DILDOGATE? SKEETGATE?) A millisecond flash of semi-metallic Nubian bosom during the half-time show of the year's biggest excuse for beer advertisement & consumption is robbing the American zeitgeist of whatever chutzpah it has generated since the invention of the crotchless panty. (Wait, let me bask in the glow of that sentence. AHHH!)

What really bothers me I bet if we saw Britney Spear's ta-ta instead, there would be no great uproar. (Wait, let me bask in the mental image of Britney's breast. AHHH!)

WHY?

Are bigots upset that the first breast their pre-adolescent sons saw was African-American? Newsflash: National Geographic has been providing prepubescent males (especially the repressed Baptist prepubescent males) their first glimpses of the Black Tittie for decades and no one is censoring them.

Were people hoping against hope that Janet would be the one Jackson to avoid public shame and embarrassment? Newsflash: Compared to the crap Michael and LaToya have going on, Janet would need to strap a Buick to her chest to be the degenerate of that clan. She may have staged the whole thing to take some heat away from the pedophile allegations. I don't have a sister, but if I had one that flashed her breasts to support me at a time of difficulty, she would get my props.

Were football fans around the world upset because they missed the Third Quarter because they had to explain to their children what a Nipple Adornment was? Newsflash: You all need to spend more time with your kids. Talk to them about the breasts, because breasts will find them (or vice versa). Remember your own youth, when newsstands and convenience stores housed those precious magazines filled with mysterious T&A. Now, remember that was before the advent of the Internet. So take the time now and explain the wonders of knockers to your boys and girls. And while you're at it, explain to me the whole mammary fascination. Personally, I love them. Don't know why, just do. Is it because they provided my sustenance through my newborn stage? Is it because I don't have a pair of my own? Is it all Hugh Hefner's fault? Will someone please tell me why I'm like this, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD? Because if you can't, then don't take the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show away from me.

THE TRUTH:

I cannot remember the first time my young ass saw some bare boobies. I know I did though and, as previously mentioned, I knew I liked them.

However, I do remember vividly the first time I saw a man break his leg. Lawrence Taylor sacked Joe Theisman so hard - his leg broke in three places and Theisman's career was over. The visual was utterly disgusting and forever etched on my memory. Now, I hate the whole rant how Americans are so repressed and glorify violence while abhorring sexuality, but DAMMIT, just because I hate it doesn't make it untrue. Hours of men hurling themselves at each other, putting themselves in serious physical peril over the oddest shaped pigskin ball are perfectly acceptable for your children to watch. Some gratuitous nudity calls for the rage and bile of the FCC. Strange enough, the Europeans are fine with the sex & the nudity and those bastards are ass-deep in the Catholicism. The whole thing is beyond me.

Plus, don't forget while you're watching those modern day gladiators duke it out on the 100 yards of Astroturf that the referee is about to call a television timeout for the wonders of the beer commercial. Now, who exactly are these commercials for? Not the average football fan, their fridges and coolers are stocked before the first coin toss. Not the average beer drinker, they have long ago formed their own brand loyalties based on taste and hangover potential. These ads, with their cute little lobsters and farting reindeer, are for the kids. Budweiser wants the first beer your little tyke buys from the homeless guy that hangs out behind the liquor store to be a Bud (or at the very least, Bud Light). No talking dog or clever ad is going to make the common man switch brands. It would take two chicks wrestling in a fountain to do that - but that's almost like what got us here in the first place. So, talk to your kid about beer when you're discussing the happy fun bags - it will make a great introduction to the area of beer-goggling.

Do you see a trend here? Taking to your kids? There are many, many things a parent needs to talk to their kids about. It's almost like this parenting thing would be a full-time gig, you think? With all the conversations, the monitoring of TV viewing & the Internet, plus all the feeding, bathing, and clothing. It's a wonder how some parents find time to wage their socio-political agendas that rob me of my Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. Thankfully, we have special interest groups looking out for our.. well, our interests.

But before I finish, I just have to say that people would watch that Victoria's Secret show specifically for the possibility of a wardrobe malfunction. That is the whole point, and no silly pretense of half-time entertainment. Of course, eighty percent would watch to be tantalized by the possible "malfunctions", while sixty percent would watch so they could be outraged at the exposure of the nudie bits. (No, my math is not wrong. Forty percent have issues and would be both tantalized & outraged.) However, Victoria has forsaken us, because it is an Election year. It is easier for Politicians to pretend to fix our nation's moral fiber than it is to repair the Social Security situation or resolve the Iraq conundrum.

So, Janet's tit came out of its halter and saw its shadow - we're due for several more weeks of hypocrisy. Don't put your shovels into storage yet. We could be knee-deep in it by morning.

WOJR.COM - FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHT TO BOOBS

wojr

Labels: News, Porn, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 11:59 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Judas Priest is just glad they never released that eye-gouging song..

So, a man in Texas was in county jail for cutting out the hearts of his son, estranged wife & her daughter and ends up gouging his eye of its socket with his bare hands.

Why did he do it? Because the Bible told him to - "And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell." Mark 9:47

(Quick tangent: The article does not say whether or not the man, Andre Thomas, had a cellmate, but imagine if he did. Imagine you're sitting in that jail cell waiting for your arraignment and your bunkmate rips his bloody eye right out of his head with his bare hands. How's that for a 'Scared Straight' program?)

The part of the whole affair that currently bothers me is, given the fellow's inspirational source material, you just know the religious right would acknowledge the man's obvious psychological problems and shrug off any implications of fault on the Bible's part. That verse was not meant to be taken literally because, well, it's not a passage that furthers their social agendas.

But if Mr. One-Eyed Thomas had decided to mess with his depth perception due to a heavy metal song or a Miramax film, well, we would be knee-deep in their propaganda efforts by now. The man's psych issues would just become a footnote and they'd be slinging mud at the idolaters.

But forget about all that, we've got Janet Jackson's boob to rail against. One body part at a time, people.

Have a happy Holy Week.

wojr

Labels: News, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 2:00 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  "People are people, so why should it be..."


Woe the man whose personality can be summarized by a t-shirt slogan, but-

Remember those shirts that read "MEAN PEOPLE SUCK." For the longest time, Bronc wanted one that just said "PEOPLE SUCK." In his view, the world would be a great place, if it weren't for all the people populating it.

But then I remind him that we need people. Without them, his strip clubs would just be empty, tacky bars. Without people, his precious football games would be less interesting than watching grass grow*. Without some certain Tennessee peeps, there would be no one to make the Jack Daniels that sustains him.

However, we have now fixed all this. The man has a new shirt and, I think, a new outlook on life.

Bronc and MB landed late Friday night and went straight to their hotel. So, I didn't meet up with them until Saturday for lunch. While sitting at a sidewalk café, we see a vendor selling t-shirts. The shirts read "I ♥ Black People." They are genius. With surprising agility for a man his size, Bronc leapt the railing of the eatery and ran up to the man. Haggling with the fellow (because Bronc loves black people but not enough to pay full value), he managed to reach an amicable price and bought shirts for all three of us. Carmel was working and got nothing (She probably would not have appreciated the shirt anyhow).

So now, instead of "PEOPLE SUCK" - the large Italian fellow now ♥s Black People. He is changing right before my very eyes. If only we could broaden that love to the other colors of the spectrum.

And that was the first hour of his trip to LA. (I will get a scan of the shirt up sooner or later.)

wojr

*Football is played on astro-turf. Get it. The "grass" doesn't actually grow.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Crackers, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 4:25 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  THE LFP INTERVIEW - CONCLUSION

Click here for Part One
Click here for Part Two
Click here for Part Three

When we last left our intrepid interviewee, wojr was being led deeper into the inner sanctum of the Larry Flynt empire by his guide, a ridiculously tiny Asian man with sweaty palms and a massive wedgie. On their trek to the elevator, the pair maneuvered their way through the commonplace office, staffed by extremely short men and impossibly attractive women.

(And we'll now stop talking about wojr in the third person.)

As we finally made it to the elevator, I am again forced to shake Wang's hand in our awkward parting ceremony. They are expecting me upstairs and Wang has work to do down here. I must continue on my lonesome.

As it says above, the floor I was on, while a little too populated with porn magazines, was still a commonplace office. It really could have been the offices for any number of corporations (as long as you confiscated the nudie books).

However, when I got off that elevator, well, the offices stopped being ordinary. I was stepping into the extraordinary, as in extraordinarily BAD TASTE. Now, I had seen the movie, The People vs. Larry Flynt. I saw how his deceased wife, Althea (who was rather fond of the mind-altering narcotics), designed the offices. I thought I knew what to expect.

However..

It was like being confronted with Death. In that, until you lose someone close to you, you can never fully grasp the true scope of death. Until you are actually confronted with such bad taste, you can never really appreciate the full scope of it as well.

Everywhere I looked were garish combinations of various cultures and designs - statues of Greek goddesses standing next to Buddha standing next to a Samurai Warrior all with a pink Marble backdrop. Large columns lined the hall with even more beautiful receptionists placed in front of them, one for every bigwig's office. No wonder Wang didn't accompany me up here - the sight of these ladies might have sent him on a masturbation frenzy.

One of these receptionist goddesses led me into the conference room. Instructing me that the CFO would be in shortly, the pretty lady presented me with a cup of coffee and left me to bask in my surroundings. Now, I've been to Graceland and marveled at Elvis's bad taste. However, Graceland does not hold a candle to this room. Imagine Elvis and Liberace having a gay lovechild that grew up to be interior decorator for funeral parlors. That man could have only dreamed of constructing such a room. Not only did a nude painting of Althea adorn the wall, but the varied statue motif continued in here as well. More samurais and Buddhas joined Kali, the goddess of death, to keep an eye on me. Also, a giant gong rested off to one side. That's something every business conference room needs, a gong. Don't like a presentation, bang the gong. Unhappy with this quarter's financial projections, bang the gong. All they needed was Jaime Farr & the Unknown Comic and I might have thought I was on the, hold on - wait for it - you know it's coming - Gong Show.

After waiting for a half hour, the CFO finally decides to grace me with his presence. Now, I hate judging people as stereotypes (almost as much as I hate having to wait for someone at an interview), but sometimes a person so encapsulates a stereotype that you have to wonder how they got that way. But if you had to cast someone in the role of Tiny Bitter Jewish Moneylender, this guy is your ideal. This bitter little man strolls in with no intention of hiding the fact that he feels like his time is being wasted. In his mind, he is a big powerful man despite the fact that he could buy his clothes in the kiddie section, When he gruffly sits down across from me, I thank whatever deity is watching over us that I do not want this job. I get to have fun.

At that point in time, I was employed for the complete opposite of Hustler, a Catholic homeless shelter catering to runaways age 18-21. As he sees this on my resume, his first question ushers forth, "Why would want to go from a place like that to here?" Giving the room a quick glance (making sure I give Althea's ta-tas a gander, may she rest in piece), I issue my response -->

"Definitely for the décor."

And I get nothing. No chuckle, no smile, just bitterness and the confirmation that I would never work for a man like that. The interview continues for another ten or fifteen minutes and I take my leave - And the tiny CFO was able to continue hiring men as small as he was.

The headhunter is disappointed when I tell her that I couldn't work at place like that, but she is taken back when I ask if Playboy is hiring. Hey, I need to get to Hef's place before I die. Maybe I should make friends with Scott Baio. Yeah, that might work.

wojr

Labels: My Writing, Nostalgia, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 11:47 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Don't View It As A Work Week - Just Think of It As Selling Your Soul in FIVE DAY BATCHES



Donald Duck - The R. Kelly of the Magical World of Disney!

HAPPY 5PM FRIDAY EVERYONE!

wojr

Labels: 5PMSendoff, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 5:27 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Friday Morning Potpourri


In response to the bathroom etiquette dilemma, the only and most entertaining response came from Ryan "the Redneck" Cordwell:

Leave the shit wide ass open, no need to close.
Theres no doors on urinals, just 2 walls on the side,
same for the stall if ya pissing. As for the [euphemism for men who crave the penis],
there ain't too many in SC, so I really can't
say....Just keep 'em all in Cali though....

I think he might have been sipping the hooch when he wrote that.

On a serious note though, I posted another story on the website - The Ineffectual Man. This bad boy doesn't really fall into one of my preset categories. Basically, it is a short scene/film script, but one that I crafted so it could easily be turned into a short stage or comic piece. It's about a character that I will use again in the future - just need to find the time. Any and all comments are always welcomed.

Lastly, the hurricane known as Bronc will hit the left coast this weekend. So, after the finale of the LFP Interview today, my posts might be sporadic if not drunken in nature. (Rosie would probably think they would be funnier from my intoxicated state, but he likes the cruder humor. (How could it get cruder? Oh, it can.))

Of course, Bronc might just kill me as soon as he lands for all the Tigershark action figure posts. So, if there is no word from me by Monday, please call 911.

Thanks-

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Intoxication, My Writing, Snide Remarks, Viewer Mail

  ¶ 9:01 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  Day of Fools

Today is April the First - known to most as April Fools Day. Many of you dropped me a note admonishing me for not doing anything special for this day. Most believed that I would be a full supporter of this pseudo-holiday. While I support any holiday that Hallmark does not make money from (Groundhog Day Rocks), I don't like the concept of April Fools Day.

It's the one day that silly little pranks are not only expected, but almost socially acceptable. Well, fuck that. Who wants to do what is expected? Who wants to be socially acceptable? Don't be a sheep. People slaughter sheep. Save those pranks, save those practical jokes for the other 364 (or 365) days of the year when it's not a stupid little April Fools' joke. On those other days, these malicious actions border on vengeance. And let me tell you, revenge is much more satisfying.

For the same reason, I'm not a supporter of that "Night before Halloween" known to many as Mischief Night, Ghoulie Night, Devil's Night or Egg Night, depending on the location of your adolescence. Why do all that stupid shit on the one night that everyone is expecting it? And by everyone I mean parents, home-owners, business proprietors and, most importantly, police officers. Why not pick an arbitrary night some other month of the year and make that the new Mischief Night? It'll be easier to buy spray-paint, eggs, toilet paper, gasoline, kindling, neon pink dildos and whatever else one would need for successful hi-jinks. Plus, actions done on a quieter, calmer time of year might even warrant a mention in your local newspaper - and like I said, there is no such thing as bad exposure.

So, go out and raise some mischief. Just not tonight and not at the end of October. Pick something new. Damn tradition.

AND the first person to send me picture of some WOJR.COM graffiti will get a crispy dollar bill from yours truly.

wojr

Labels: Advice, Nostalgia, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 9:15 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  The LFP Interview - Part 3

Click Here for Part 1
Click Here for Part 2

Finally, I was being led back into inner sanctum of Larry Flynt Publications. After being exposed to underage models & their pimps in their lobby and spread-eagle shots in their reception area, I could only imagine what delights the actual offices would hold.

Looking down on it, the Larry Flynt Building is shaped like a football. Given that configuration, most people have window offices. As I stroll behind the hot Asian HR woman, I split my attention between these window offices and the ass of the woman in front of me. (This tale took place right before I met Carmel, so no need to scold me for staring.) Both views are phenomenal.

My guide leads me into an office and I continue to focus on the view out the window. All of Beverly Hills is displayed before me. With a view like that, I might consider peddling the smut. That is until I stub my toe.. ..on that same smut. Stacked on the floors and on the bookshelf to my left, there are shrink-wrapped copies of every adolescent fantasy I ever had. Every visit to the local convenience store or newsstand would force that teen version of me to try to sneak a peek at the scantily clad honeys of the same magazines that are now just scattered everywhere. This office is a veritable wanker's utopia and then I see the owner of the office - the person I'm to interview with.

Wang, I forget his real name but it was something as utterly generic in Asian fashion, is one of the controllers here. Why a controller needs to keep his office completely stocked with porn is beyond me, but I would bet my bottom dollar that he's beaten off in this very office. So, here I am, forced to shake Wang the Wanker's hand, forced to bid farewell to the HR rep that I was sure was to be the first Mrs. Wojr and forced to sit down in front of the bookshelf of "quim" & conduct this interview.

The interview is basically an instruction course on all things Flynt as Wang goes on and on about all the big guy's business ventures, besides the smutty magazines. There are the stores. There's the casino. There are charitable and political causes. And all I can think about is the mountain of porn behind me as I look for sperm stalagmites on the ceiling (or is that stalagmites? Whichever descend.)

When it comes to my side of the interview, I whiz through my credentials, my interest in the company, and every other interview cliché I have. The snowjob seems to work, because Wang wants me to meet the CFO.. .. UPSTAIRS. It's like a video game adventure through bad taste and pornography and I'm advancing through no effort on my part.

Thus, Wang leads me out of his office, eyeing me to make sure I don't steal from his treasure trove of tittie mags. It's then I see how short Wang is. He can't be more than 5'2". Then I see another guy walking around. He's less than 5'5" as well. I wonder why that is, just as I see that Wang has the most colossal wedgie known to man. His ass is literally eating his slacks.

And I chuckle, because here I am heading up to the true inner sanctum of the smut world, being led by a chronic masturbator with a pant-eating ass and suddenly..
I'm Dante in the Divine Comedy and the only thing I can do is chuckle.

Tune in tomorrow to see who is on the next canto of Hell.

wojr

Labels: My Writing, Nostalgia, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 12:33 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Concerning male bathroom etiquette-

I previously poised these questions to some of my friends and, frankly, their responses SUCKED. So, I am resorted to find answers via the Internet.

When going to a public restroom to facilitate the first of the two normal bathroom disposal options (like you can even do the second without having to do the first as well, but I digress) and you are forced to use a stall since all the urinals are unavailable -->

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE DOOR TO THE STALL?

Do you close and lock it? Close it, but leave it unlocked? Leave it partially open, letting people know you will only be a second - no squatting required? Or do you leave the door wide open and go about your business, hoping no cruising homosexuals take it as an invitation for amour?

On a related note - do Ladies' Rooms have bathroom attendants? Or do these hotels/restaurants/clubs only not trust men to be alone in their lavatories (and given the fact that some of us like myself can't decide what to do with the damn door when pissing - can you blame them?)?

wojr

Labels: Snide Remarks

  ¶ 12:23 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  The LFP Interview - Part 2

Click Here for Part 1

As I mentioned yesterday, I arrived early for my interview for Larry Flynt Publications. As I wait outside, so not to seem too eager, Larry received a young applicant to his fine magazine and her pimp-like chaperone. After some arguing with the security guard, the pair gets turned away - despite the lady's business representative's attempts to form a bond of racial unity. It's a sad when a brother has to be like that, but I gather the applicant needed to submit her 'material' and not just show up out of the blue.

I just know, then and there, that this is not for me. I could not tell my family that this was were I worked. BUT I needed to see the inside. I needed to go to the place where these high-class individuals were just denied. I knew, at the very least, that it would make a good story one day.

So, I head upstairs to the dismay of Ike and his mini-entourage. I get off the elevator at the second to the top floor and end up in the reception area, a reception area of what appears to be a prestigious law firm. Everything is dark mahogany or dark brown leather, except for the pale, pretty girl acting as the receptionist. I'm completely taken aback by this room. I guess I was expecting spread eagle shots on the wall.

I'm told to have a seat and the human resources person will be right out. I'm sitting there and I see the 'magazine rack.' Discreetly hid in black binders are Larry's magazines: Hustler, Barely Legal, and a wide array of specialty magazines - not to mention some automotive, hunting, computer and tattoo magazines. (Bet you did not know our boy Larry made some respectable stuff, did ya?) And I'm wondering what to do. Do I check out the publisher's wares or not?

I sit there for an eternity contemplating my choices, when finally the pretty young Asian HR person comes find me. She introduces herself and takes me back into the offices for my interview.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 3 of our exciting epic. Same bat-time, same bat channel.

wojr

Labels: My Writing, Nostalgia, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 4:22 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Now With Transforming Action

Thanks to mitchellkramer2004@yahoo.com - we now have a better image of Bronc's action figure:



He transforms into a "merman" of some sort. Maybe, Tiger Shark Bronc would lead horny sailors to their rocky deaths with his siren song. The similarity between man and toy just grow more and more apparent every day.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 9:48 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  The LFP Interview - Part 1

Another side of me that some of you don't know about - in addition to this writing thing, I have a strong business background. I look really good on paper: Accounting Degree & moderately impressive GPA from Villanova, accounting and office management gigs in various industries, strong IT and computer skills. Headhunters are always emailing/calling with job opportunities. I turn most of them down. I just want to pay my bills and be able to focus as much time as possible on my writing.

But, a few years back, I get a call about a job at publishing company. My ears perk up. This might be a step in the right direction. So, I call up the headhunter and let her know I might be interested.

Then, things start to get weird. Her voice drops several decibel levels and she asks me if I would have trouble working for a company that had some interests in the adult entertainment area. I confessed to have never really thought about it, but I saw no real problems with it. By this point, I was just wanted to hear more. I don't think I would take the job, but I wanted to know everything. (Ok, I was envisioning getting an invite to Hef's mansion out of the deal.)

Well, she starts about a publishing company located in Beverly Hills. I knew Playboy had offices there so the phone's glued to my ear. Tell me more, sister. But that's all I get. She needs to submit my resume and see if they want to interview me. Ok, fine. I immediately call Bronc and relay the whole story. He gets excited, thinking this would mean trips to the Playboy mansion for him as well.

Next day, I get the call. They would like to meet me. Could I come in this afternoon? You bet your sweet ass I can. I get the address. Tell my boss I have an emergency or some medical thing - I forget. Show up early at the address - only to find myself at the Larry Flynt building in Beverly Hills. "HUSTLER, baby." I've gone from Playboy, skipped over Penthouse and landed right on HUSTLER. Do not collect $200.

Like I said, I was there early. So, I wait outside and work on a story I was writing at the time. While I'm waiting, this seventeen (if she was lucky) year old harlot shows up escorted by some middle-aged black man looking for an 'interview'. I'm watching in amazement at a man that my imagination is labeling Ike Turner and his bimbo talking to the security guard, trying to arrange a visit up to see Larry & his golden wheelchair. And I wonder if a job at Larry Flynt Publishing right for me?

Tune in Tomorrow When I Continue the Story.

wojr

Labels: My Writing, Nostalgia, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 4:40 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Bronc, the Action Figure

I've been getting some questions about who exactly this "Bronc" person is that I keep referring to. Don't worry I'll craft a biography for the boy shortly.

But for now - you just have to go see his action figure. Bronc is the third one down and seems to be into bondage.

wojr

Labels: Bronc, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 1:40 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  They're Afraid of Opie, I Tell You

My shit is psychic, yo.

According to this article, they are planning behind the scenes telepics of 'Different Strokes', 'Laverne & Shirley', 'Mork & Mindy' & 'Bewitched.' ("We need to do it in a non-exploitative manner." HA)

How can you include 'Laverne & Shirley' AND 'Mork & Mindy' but ignore 'Happy Days'? They're in the same damn TV universe, made by the same damn people. Why not do 'Happy Days' unless you are, like I said, afraid of Ron Howard?

I realize no one cares, but I love being right.

LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT

(How much do you want to bet the 'Bewitched' telepic comes out just when the Nicole Kidman/Will Ferrell big-screen version hits the multiplex? Those TV bastards aren't as dumb as one might think.)

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, Nostalgia, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 8:47 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  WHAT THE--

Go on Google and do an image search for "wojr."

This is the first thing I get:



Dude, the world is a bizarre place.

wojr

Labels: Snide Remarks, woj

  ¶ 3:12 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  But How Happy Were Those Happy Days?

(Warning: While I consciously avoided any of George Carlin's Seven Dirty Words, the following rant does delve into topics of gang rape, cocaine usage, interracial group sex, prostitution, Brady Bunch incest, sex with minors, cross-dressing, heroin addiction, female ejaculation, homosexuality and Ron Howard. Be forewarned.)

One of the positive things about growing older is, that given enough time, the truth comes out. And as it says in The Fountainhead, "the nice explanations are never the true ones". Especially in Hollywood. Given enough time, the spin-doctoring fades away and people realize which closeted actors enjoyed the sweet taste of man-love, that dehydrated actresses frequently suffer from heroin addiction and that Greg Brady tried to get with his on-screen Mother and Sister.

Thanks to Hollywood tell-alls and TV movies, the public has learned some of the truth about Three's Company, Charlie's Angels, The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family.

But, what about Happy Days? Where's the tell-all on that show? Aren't Donny Most and Erin Moran hard up enough for cash to be fleecing the secrets of that beloved sitcom?

I mean the show was one of the biggest hits of the late 70s. Cocaine was good for you then. Bad things must have happened. Now, I don't mean bad things like the gang rape of Jenny Piccalo or Arnold and Big Al double-teaming a twelve-year old blonde mulatto, but, come on now, everyone saw the Mork from Ork episode. The only explanation for that mess is heavy drug use, plus I think cocaine originated at Robin Williams. Forget the movie Blow, that man is the source.

I know what you're thinking Happy Days is beloved. It's Americana. It's the epitome of conservatism. Just don't forget it's still Hollywood. I went to a conservative college for only four years and my friends & I have enough crazy sex stories from that period to last a lifetime (especially Phil's ultimate female ejaculation story.) That show was on the air for TEN YEARS in less than conservative Tinseltown. Heck, it's 2004 and Scott Baio still hasn't left the Playboy Mansion.

So..

Ask yourself, why call her "Leather Tuscadero" if she wasn't into S&M?

Ask yourself, what happened to the older Cunningham brother, Chuck? Or Fonzie's cousin, Spike? They just disappeared and were never mentioned again. My theory: cross-dressers. But, I have no facts.

Ask yourself, why was the dim-witted character called "Potsie"? I'm not saying for certain that the boy liked the marijuana, but that's the one guy on the show I would assume was holding.

Ask yourself, what was the deal with "the Pinkettes"? Was Pinky Tuscadero their madam, pimping those poor girls out to support her demolition derby career? (On a serious note though, Roz Kelly, the actress that played Pinky, got three years in jail in 1998 for "shooting up cars and a neighbors apartment after a car alarm went off in the early morning and woke her up.")

I'm sure there are more tidbits that need to see the light of day. But I doubt they will. I just think Ron Howard aka Richie has become too powerful in Hollywood. He's an outright mogul now and no one wants to cross that line. Even a man who blabbed so much he was dubbed "Ralph Malph".

By the way, about Jenny Piccalo's gang rape - here's an actual quote from the show: "I wouldn't miss this for a weekend with the Green Bay Packers as their towel girl!" The girl was asking for it.

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, Nostalgia, Sex, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 1:56 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Wojr Mail Call

Continued comments on the "Attempted Wife-Swapping".

From Neerajimous Pai - "The swingers story rocked, especially for those of us who will never have such a thing happen to us (whereas for folks like Rosie and Claudine, or Rukus and fillintheblank, it happens three times a week). The really important question: what would the Wojr of ten years ago have done?"     He would have said something so incredibly inappropriate that no one would have slept with him.

From Phillip "Boom-Boom" O'Neil - "as much as i learned from you....there is much i still have yet to teach you my padawon learner."     Thanks for the offer, but I don't think I'll be attending the O'Neil School of Whore-Mongering and Polygamy. However, in Phil's defense, he does pretty well with the ladies despite referencing crappy Star Wars movies.

From some fellow named Kuffel - "You should of swung - [euphemism for female genitalia]!"     Not only is this man now a homeowner and a husband, but a parent, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, how was shoveling the snow last week, Kuffel? I think we had some clouds here in LA, but I can't be sure. All I remember was sunshine and sundresses.

Keep the mail coming people

wojr

Labels: Sex, Snide Remarks, Viewer Mail, Whores

  ¶ 1:44 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Miss, I think someone has written on your forehead..

I live only a few blocks from my work - a rare luxury here in Los Angeles. So, I just hop on a bus to get there. The damn thing stops right in front of my home and my office. Plus, it allows me my only guilt-free reading time. (Whenever I read otherwise, I feel guilty, like I should be writing. Just like when I write for this page and I feel like I should be doing some REAL writing.)

There are occasional drawbacks to my guilt-free reading time on my stress-free ride to work. Like the one I experienced this morning.

This morning, I got stuck next to a woman who spent the entire ride plucking her eyebrows.

Now, I realize there is an entire world of hair removal that the male brethren are not privy. I know that I, as a male, have reaped the benefits of hours of feminine hair care and upkeep. Such care that I just take for granted - believing the ladies were just born that way.

However, I want to know one thing. Who decided that the drawn-in eyebrow was an attractive look on women? You know what I mean, when all the real brow hair is just removed and replaced with some pencil drawing. (I've even heard of ladies getting those lines tattooed in.)

Is this done due to the prodding of other women or is there some damn fool man telling his lady that this is a good look for her? Who or what is at the root of this problem? They need to be found and severely reprimanded. I don't care if they are in a cave with Osama. Find them and deal with them.

Now, don't go thinking that I want everyone to go the "furry" route. I don't. Personal grooming ranks high in my book (especially when it's done in your home rather than the bus). Whenever I shave, I make sure to hit the gap between my brows. No uni-brow for wojr.

The point is - Just don't go drawing hair on yourself. That goes for men and women. I'm putting my foot down here, because I am seeing the occurrence more and more - and even with the younger generation. We are burgeoning on the edge of an epidemic here and there needs to be a voice for reason - even if that voice rides a bus to work.

Tomorrow: we'll attack comb-overs.

wojr

Labels: Advice, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 2:11 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  "When I Start My Cult, Those Are The First People I'm Going After.."

I think the reason cults get a bad name is that you never really see people trying to join one. Maybe if you bumped into people on the street that were actively seeking a cult, you would be more inclined to accept these groups as an integral part of society. Wouldn't you feel better about them if you opened up the personal ads and read the following?

SWM SEEKING CULT - 33yo lonely virgin is looking for a pseudo-militant religious group that would completely take over his life. Would prefer something with strong "Star Trek" ties, but open to all science fiction/alien invasion based beliefs. End goal would involve uniformed gender-neutral haircuts and mass suicide.

If I saw something like that in my paper then I'm sure I would not be able to refer to cultists as wackjobs anymore. Spam has a bad reputation as well, but at least I know that there are people out there that want to clean up their credit and increase the size of their penis.

(On a serious note, I just might place an ad like that just to see what kind of responses I would get.)

wojr

Labels: Personal Ad Pranks, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 8:13 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  Maybe I Should Pitch 'Joseph and the Colored Coat Thing' starring Michael Chiklis

With the overwhelming success of The Passion of the Christ, there is much talk in Hollywood about making more religious based pictures. Just like after the success of Titanic, there was a push towards historical disaster pics. Then, after Spider-Man, we were/are inundated with comic book movies. When there is money to be had, Hollywood will try to recapture lightning in a bottle. So, get ready because the Pearl Harbors and Daredevils of the biblical world are sure to be coming to a multiplex soon.

But is the success of Passion just based on the religious content? Aren't some people going just for the controversy revolving around the film? Just to be part of the cultural zeitgeist similar to the success of the Blair Witch Project? I don't know. Films with controversial religious content have never really fared well in the box office. Look at Priest, Dogma, and even The Last Temptation of Christ. All were, at best, considered a moderate financial success. (Can't you just imagine Kevin Smith railing away at Passion's grosses? "Where's my religious movie money, bi-yatch? I made Dogma. I had death threats. I wants my money. F- Mel Gibson. F- William Donohue.") Of course, all were decried by religious groups as anti-Catholic. I guess controversy is good for the wallet but only if it's directed away from Catholicism. Maybe if Hitler had gone after the Catholics, the grosses of Schindler's List would have been better.

Therefore, I guess I should start watching what I say & just rage against other groups. Like homosexuals. Eminem seems to have done pretty well with that route.

Keeping on topic, sort of, writer Peter David has written what he envisions will be inevitable South Park episode dealing with the Passion of the Christ. I like Peter David's writings, but his vision for this episode really doesn't stretch the imagination. Now, if he wrote about an episode of The Shield that dealt with the issue - that would have been something. Hmmm..

Tonight on a special episode of The Shield: Following the Los Angeles Premiere of "The Passion of the Christ", Vic and his strike team stumble upon the head of a prominent Catholic civil rights organization in a tryst with a transvestite that is (gasp) agnostic. In exchange for Mackey covering up the transgression, the malefactor agrees to sabotage Aceveda's election by labeling him a heretic and distributing pictures of him eating meat on a Friday. While at the Passion premiere, Lem and Shane strand Ronnie with repressed homosexual Julien in order to go see "Starsky & Hutch" instead.

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 11:30 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  "Martha Stewart Should Have Made One of Those Formation Privileges"

In what seems like a weekly trend, the front page of the LA Times disturbs me.

First off, the coverage of the bombing in Madrid continues.

Then, there is news of the gruesome mass murder up in Fresno.

But then, we have Cardinal Mahony's latest attempt to keep church documents secret in relation to priests accused of molesting children. The Cardinal claims that there was a "formation privilege" between a bishop and the priests under him (pun intended). That it is the bishop's "ecclesiastical duty to provide a lifetime of formative spiritual guidance to his priests" prevents the release of the requested information. God knows (pun not really intended) that I am all for the separation of church and state, but does anyone really believe the bishop is looking out for the individual priests in question or even protecting the penitent's right to communicate with a priest without fear of legal reprisal? He is trying to protect his own ass, first, and the public face of the church, second.

This week, the LA Weekly also ran a piece on Mahony's "hardball legal tactics in the clergy sex-abuse scandal". In it, they list 15 US bishops that have resigned or retired in relation to sexual misconduct or the cover-up of such offenses. Wait - I'm sorry - in relation to accusations of sexual misconduct or the cover-up of such supposed offenses. Mahony is just worried that he might end up #16.

Don't you think the Church should just come clean about any wrongdoings and try to put their dirty laundry behind them? I mean it worked for Hugh Grant. He admitted to his transgressions and he ended up starring in a movie called "About A Boy." Of course, he was only tied to a crack whore.

The more they try to hide the truth just adds to number of front page stories you'll see attacking the church and those front page stories only adds to the public perception of priests as potential pedophiles. Holy Alliteration, Batman! (Pun Intended)

wojr

Labels: News, Religion, Sex, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 12:14 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  "Why Is He Stroking His Mop?"

My aunt (who I love and adore) loves to send the sappy emails. Coupled with her recent propensity for forgetfulness, she sends me some again and again and again.

The most frequent being the one revolving around the teacher/professor that asks the name of the school's janitor as an extra credit question. When no one knows the answer, he scolds the students in some sanctimonious manner common to despondent ex-hippies.

If I was ever forced into that spot - facing that same extra credit question - here is my planned response.

"Our janitor's name is Fred.

Fred is an ex-con with a below average IQ. So, mopping the floors is best gig he can get. He likes the job because all the nubile co-eds provide him ample fodder for his masturbatory exploits.

Fred likes his solitude and hates how you call attention to his attempts to blend into the background. He wanted me to convey to you that he has your home address. The manner in which he mentioned that fact did not seem to imply that a Christmas card would be forth coming.

If you noticed, I have left the rest of my test blank. This is because Fred gave me your home address as well.

I expect an A.

wojr"

Labels: College, My Writing, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 12:38 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  wojr.com - your insipid source for news


I really don't need a judge to tell me this. But, now that Martha is taken care of, can we go after Joe Francis next?

Two snippets from eonline.com:
PLAYING THE FIELD: Angelina Jolie telling the New York Post that she's currently sleeping with men with whom she's close friends and is not seeking a serious relationship. "As crazy as it sounds, meeting a man in a hotel room for a few hours and then going back and putting my son to bed and not seeing that man again for a few months is about what I can handle now," she said. Snide quasi-metrosexual comment #1: I guess her brother was out of town.

IN SIGHT: J.Lo inking a development deal with Fox giving them first look rights to any TV projects coming out of her shingle, Nuyorican Productions, report the trades. "I started in television and love the medium," Lopez said in a statement. "We intend to be a major creative force in television." Snide quasi-metrosexual comment #2: Started in television? She was a FLY GIRL.
And for those that were wondering, the definition of Nuyorican.

For the geeks like me: Scott Tipton turns his attention to Batman: The Animated Series.

For geeks bigger than me: Well, just look and see.

And as a follow-up to my earlier rant, more body-snatching information.

wojr

Labels: Comic Books, Hollywood, News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 10:27 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  "For Artistic Reasons, I kept the Judas jokes to a minimum."

I don't think tonight is going to be a big a TV night in the wojr household. Too much work to do. But the programming being offered is intriguing to say the least.

You could tune in ABC to see the TV Movie "Judas." (I bet the folks at Disney are loving all the Mel Gibson/"Passion" frenzy. "Come over to ABC and check out the less than bloody version of events - for FREE!")

Or you could go over to NBC and watch "Behind the Camera: Charlie's Angels." I will be honest. Based on the one ad I saw for it - I am tempted. Some actress doing a mean vocal impersonation of Kate Jackson's sexy voice. Wallace Langham pimped out in the sleazy 70s gear as Farrah's opportunistic hustler of a manager.

Then, I read this-

According to EONLINE.com:
"NBC cutting the final scene in its upcoming Charlie's Angels TV movie after Farrah Fawcett's former manager threatened legal action for being portrayed as an oportunistic [sic] hustler. The network claims the ending was altered was [sic] artistic reasons."

Does anyone ever believe it when they use "artistic reasons" as the excuse? Just say, "out of fear of litigation from an opportunistic hustler, we edited the show." (And who's spell-checking shit over at E!? Maybe they call it E! because entertainment is too hard to spell.)

wojr

Labels: Hollywood, News, Religion, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 10:55 AM 0 comments links to this post   

  "This guy in my biology class said that if Ferris dies, he's giving his eyes to Stevie Wonder."

The front page of Sunday's LA Times has a story about the head of the UCLA Willed Body Program being arrested for the sale of corpses and body parts. Here's the Fox news version. Also, on the front page was a companion piece examining the practice of selling body parts on a whole. The human tissue industry is thought to be worth $500 million a year. WOW! Now, I know a million dollars is not what it used to be. Hell, 500 mill is not even half of the box office take for "Return of the King". But, I was still taken back by that number.

So you want to be a caring, humane person and elect to donate your body to an organ bank or a medical school for transplant or scientific research - your physical form does one last act for good and your family eventually receives an urn of your ashes. Not a bad deal and you get an interesting conversation piece for your next cocktail party.

But then we forget about the eternal pursuit of the almighty dollar.

Here are some snippets from the LA Times article:

> "Most cadavers are dissected by first-year medical students. But surplus bodies and parts can be sent to other scientific institutions, including for-profit bio-medical corporations."

> "Like stolen cars that are chopped up and sold in pieces, bodies are worth much less than the sum of their parts."

> "Vidal Herrera, a former medical technician who runs a forensic services business called 1-800-AUTOPSY, said 'I get calls all the time from medical researchers, corporations. They want to purchase bodies or they want to purchase tissue'." Well, I guess that's what happens when you call your business 1-800-AUTOPSY. I wonder if 1-800-CORPSES was already taken?

> "[Brown] was fired after it was discovered that he had charged the university for a trip to Phoenix and sold six spines to a hospital there for $5,000."

> "[UC Irvine] auditors could account for only 121 of the 411 cadavers donated to the Willed Body Program." Outside of baseball, I would say that is a horrible average.

> "In a single transaction, [Tyler] made more than $4,000 selling 232 fingernails and 35 toenails." He must have shared my aversion to feet to get such a lopsided figure.

> And in relation to the return of the remains to the respective families - "'I have no idea what's in my mother's urn,' [Storr] said. 'It could be a dead dog, cigarette ashes, burnt newspaper. Who knows?'"

So - doesn't that seem like a fun way to help your fellow man? Makes my concerns about encountering a necrophiliac mortician after my demise seem rather inconsequential.

wojr

Labels: News, Snide Remarks

  ¶ 8:14 PM 0 comments links to this post   

  Be Forewarned...


What is this all about?

No, not in the grandiose "meaning of life" manner. I am referring to what this asinine page is all about. Before jumping on the "blog" bandwagon, I spent many an hour looking at other individual's diary-like contributions to the Internet (when you call it 'research', wasting time can be relatively guilt-free) and noticed that many of these on-line journals have a primary focus or direction. I have born witness to web logs devoted to knitting, comic book creating in Kansas, the defense of Michael Jackson, proving that Secretary Rumsfield is actually the devil and the price comparison of hookers in third world countries (when you call it 'research', third world prostitution can be relatively guilt-free).

This journal will not be as centered as those and not just because I am not what one would call a centered person. It is just that those others are not only occasionally very frightening but more often than not repetitive.

This space is for me to get the voices out of my head and down on "paper". The topics will definitely vary. Sometimes they will focus on Global Thermonuclear War. Sometimes they will deal with how an acquaintance from college had her crotch "burn" for an entire year. If I don't know what to expect, I doubt any of you can. Ergo, we all can remain interested.

However, I think I should issue a warning, like one of these disclaimers issued out before all the really good TV shows. I don't like to shy away from things. I might not offer my opinion on topics I feel ill informed on, but I don't avoid areas because they are so-called "hot topics". I love the grey areas of our society. They interest me. They drive me towards discussion. Often, they inspire the things I write about. To be honest, I have to avoid most of those topics every weekday from 8AM to 5PM for the sake of office politics. I won't avoid them here.

So, here's a quick breakdown on where I'll be on these issues:

Politics - If believing that education should get more of our tax dollars and that everyone is entitled to quality medical care makes me a liberal, then I am a liberal. Now, my other viewpoints in the political realm might range from the slightly conservative to the radical left, but my passion for those points will never equal the level of those first two. (But, I will admit that the Patriot Act scares the shit out of me.)

So, be forewarned..

Religion - I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic school from the age of 9 through 21. Personally, I like god. And by god, I mean "whatever that is more than human and created all the shit you see in the universe". I am, however, not so fond of man, especially the ones doing things in a god's name. That feeling stems back prior to 9/11. So, don't expect me to back the organized religions of the world. Now, don't get me wrong. I greatly admire people with faith. If you have a strong bond with your deity of choice, you get all my props. Just don't try to push me into that same relationship and, Heavens to Betsy, don't go condemning me or anyone else to your conceptualization of an afterlife.

So, be forewarned...

Discrimination - My mother didn't exactly teach me a great deal in relation to living a 'good' life, but she did impart one very important nugget of info - "Judge people only on how they treat you". Back in grade school, one of my friends, Brian Hope, was black (and I'm pretty sure that he still is). Actually, I remember having a crush on his older sister, but cannot seem to recall her name at the moment. In the middle of some stupid, youthful argument, I dropped the "N-Bomb" on young Brian, not really knowing the true ramifications of the word. When news of my transgression got back to my mother, she beat the crap out of me. Now my mother had a tendency for whooping my ass, but even now, twenty years later, I think that was one time she was justified in her actions. Thus, I still "judge people only on how they treat me". Only know, in my cynical 'old age' that has become more "I give everyone the equal opportunity to show his or her inner ass". So, I don't care about the color of your skin, the nation of your birth or how you get your sexual/romantic kicks, because all the people that I really despise tend to be white, straight Americans.

So, be forewarned...

Profanity - I'll try to keep it to a minimum. Sometimes I will fail. Even when it comes to those dreaded "C-words".

So, be forewarned...

Now that all the necessary opening warnings are out there, let's get back to our regular scheduled programming.

wojr

Labels: Advice, Political, Religion, Snide Remarks, Whores

  ¶ 9:12 PM 0 comments links to this post